


Storm Before The Calm

by NeonViolet



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Coming of Age, Cuddling, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, Flirting, Freeform, Friends to Lovers, Future Fic, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Abuse, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Religious Conflict, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Strangers to Friends, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-03-06 09:36:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 88,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13408455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonViolet/pseuds/NeonViolet
Summary: "He watched the ground beneath him start to get smaller as it faded away and he reminded himself that no matter how much everyone else would hate him for what he did, no one would hate him as much as he hated himself.  So even if he seemed to be losing control of everything else in his life, at least he had that."Or: Coming of age story as Isak navigates what he's been taught to believe and what he actually believes. Learning to love himself and falling in love in the process.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my very first fic ever. I am new to this fandom as well as fan fiction in general but was immediately pulled into the black hole that is Skam. I am a songwriter and musician, so I am very sensitive to the idea of artists putting pieces of themselves out for the world to see. It's very personal and an incredible act of bravery that I admire.  
> Fiction is so different then songwriting so bear with me as I learn. I am someone who is fascinated by the human experience, and as such my fics will be heavy on the angst but peppered with relief and humor. I took a lot of liberties with this story and it may not be everyone's cup of tea. It takes place in America and Isak is biracial. I was inspired to take on canon divergence by Jamz24, (Who has also joined me as a Beta for this fic, and I couldn't be more thrilled).
> 
> Thanks for being a wonderful community everyone!

**ACT ONE**

CHAPTER ONE 

 

 **_April 23, 2022_ **  

Isak stood in line at baggage check with his sister Nicole.  They each clutched the handle of an oversized suitcase as they stood silently waiting to make their way to the counter. The tension was palpable and honestly unbearable, and if it weren’t for the lead balloon of nerves currently sitting in the pit of his stomach he would probably try and ease the discomfort with some joke about Brian, Nicole’s husband who was standing several feet behind the roped off line waiting with everyone else.  Brian was always an easy go-to joke.  A bit of an outsider who didn’t quite fit in with the family but always took things in stride.  And really, that’s all that mattered.  But not even a classic Brian zinger could be mustered up in Isak’s mind.  Even if he could think of something witty enough he’s not sure his body would cooperate and allow his mouth to deliver the joke.  Nicole wasn’t fairing too well either if her clenched jaw, rapid blinking, and antsy way she shifted from one foot to the other was anything to go by. But even with all of that, she was still beautiful. She inherited their mother’s Latin olive skin, full lips, and thick curly hair, but that’s where it stopped.  She had their father’s big round eyes and dainty turned up nose. She even got the tiny cleft in his chin; the dimple softening her other strong features.  She was stunning and poised even in the midst of stress.  

 

Isak was jealous.  Not a malicious jealousy of course. He was a man and had no desire to be a woman. It was more like he felt left out.  Nicole was so obviously Latina. (More accurately they were all biracial), but Nicole just fit the bill for a Latin looking woman.  Their father was Norwegian but their parents divorced when Isak was five and then his father died when he was nine.  He and his sisters grew up with their mother’s side of the family – all of whom were very Puerto Rican.  And yes, they fit the stereotypes very well.  Puerto Rican flags hanging off of rearview mirrors, maps of the island framed and placed above a large sofa covered in plastic.  Rice and beans for dinner most nights, (that’s not a complaint, just an observation), the smell of garlic and cilantro as soon as you stepped into the house, and fruit shaped magnets on every refrigerator.  Isak never understood that one, but it was pretty consistent.   

 

And then there was Isak, as Caucasian looking as they come – for the most part.  His skin was pale but he tanned easily. Not as deep as his sisters, but he could get deceivingly dark for someone as naturally white as he was.  His hair was a dark blonde with strong waves that curled at the ends and his lips were thin, (he hated that).  He had green eyes like his father and the almond shape of his mothers. He was tall and slim but thanks to his obsession with ultimate frisbee he was toned – because honestly you could not pay him enough to go to a gym.  But for all his self-deprecation when it came to his appearance, he loved his smile. His lips may not be as full but he definitely had his mother’s smile; wide and bright. He loved how young and inviting her smile could make you feel. But as soon as the memory entered his mind something pinched inside of him. He felt the stinging right in his chest and he forced the thought away before it could fester any further.  Now wasn’t the time. 

 

It was early. Too early for Isak, who couldn’t understand why anyone would voluntarily choose to get out of bed before noon on any day of the week.  But today he didn’t have a choice.  His flight was leaving at 8:13 (and really, what kind of arbitrary time choice is that?) and so he was forced awake by a 5:30 alarm.  He was already packed but it was an hour drive to the airport and he liked to be certain he arrived a little over an hour before his flight was scheduled to leave.  He was nervous enough today without having to add missing his flight to the list. 

 

“Isak, let’s go.” He looked up to find Nicole had already begun making her way to the front of the counter dragging his enormous black suitcase behind her.  He quickly grabbed the other piece of baggage and his backpack and made his way over to her.  As he slid his ID to the ticketing agent he made several fists with his hands willing them to stop shaking. Nicole noticed and grabbed one of his hands in hers and gave it a quick squeeze.  It was a big gesture for her.  She was full of love but never one to openly be affectionate. He was grateful and he took a deep breath. 

 

“Isak Valtersen?” the ticketing agent asked without looking up from her screen. 

 

“Yes mam.”  The formalities were pouring out this morning. 

 

“I show here you have service to Jackson, Wyoming with a layover in Denver.” Again, she didn’t look up from her screen instead continued to click away at her keyboard. 

 

“Yes mam.” He was going to have to really dig to rediscover his vocabulary today.  She looked up at him with a tired smile and gestured to the platform in front of him. 

 

“Place your lightest bag on the scale first please.” She recited the words like a script, and to be fair, it probably was one.  Nicole grabbed the bag out of Isak’s hand and lifted it onto the platform while they all stood silently as the numbers on the digital scale made their way upwards and stopped at 67 lbs. Isak looked up at the ticketing agent whose demeanor immediately changed from professionally tolerant to blatantly annoyed. 

 

“The baggage weight limit is 50lbs. The first ten pounds over is $50 with an additional $10 per ten pounds after.” Again with the script. 

 

“What?” Ah, a third word he could add to this morning’s vocabulary. The woman looked more irritated, as if questioning this policy was personally offensive. This was his lightest bag and he had one more to check.  The last thing he wanted to do was shell out a couple hundred dollars just to check two bags. He rolled his eyes as he reluctantly reached around to his backpack to get his wallet out.  The ticketing agent continued. 

 

“Why would one person need to pack so much anyway?” The ticketing agent mumbled loud enough to be heard, and immediately Isak felt Nicole’s indignation before he heard her. 

 

Nicole's neck snapped up and her hand came slamming down on the counter in front of them. “I beg your pardon?! He's moving!” There it was.  Those three words confirming what he’d been avoiding all morning - he was leaving today and never coming back. Nicole was oblivious to his inner turmoil as she continued her angry lecture.  

 

“This is a one way trip for him, and honestly that’s none of your damn business.  If he wants to spend a mortgage payment on checking his bags that’s his prerogative and your job is to stand there and accept that!” She was heaving when she turned around and faced him.  

 

“Isak, put your wallet away.  Just empty your bags of a few of the heavier items and I will ship them to you this week.” He didn’t bother asking her if she was sure, just immediately opened up the two pieces of luggage and pulled out his journals from one and a large box of letters and cards from the other.  The agent made quick work of checking him after that, although Nicole’s crossed arms and glare from over the counter probably had a lot to do with it.   

 

As they made their way to the waiting area Isak nudged his younger sister’s shoulder. “Thank you for that.”   

 

She eyed him from the side and smiled.  

 

“Whatever. She was being an ass anyway.” Isak let out a roar of laughter at that.  Nicole, while assertive and sometimes rude, did not curse.  Growing up in an ultra-conservative mega church in the south made sure of that.  But he knew she was feeling loose lipped today, and it helped that they weren’t within earshot to Brian who would definitely not condone that behavior.   

 

As they approached the group, everyone stood up in quiet anticipation.  Isak let Nicole fill everyone in on  _Baggage Gate ’_ _22_  while he silently watched everyone’s reactions.  Brian shook his head in disbelief, mainly because as a white male he wasn’t used to people being rude to him.  Entitlement is something else.  Predictably, Krista, Isak’s youngest sister, and Jonas, his best friend, were rolling their eyes and whispering back and forth to each other.  Probably nothing to do with the story Nicole was sharing and most likely something inappropriate about Brian.  Isak was going to miss this.   And suddenly there was the stinging in his chest again.  He needed to get this over with now before his breathing stopped altogether.  He cleared his throat and everyone seemed to take that as the official call for goodbyes.  They all got silent as Brian approached him first. Brian was tall, but Isak was taller.   

 

He hooked his chin over his shoulder and whispered into his ear, “Take care of my sister.” He squeezed him and gave him the unofficial bro pat on the back and let go.  When he looked he saw tears making their way down a red splotchy face.  Shit.  If it was like this with Brian, Isak didn’t think he was going to make it through the rest. 

 

He looked over to find Jonas barreling toward him in a bear hug.  Isak took a step back to brace the impact and squeezed his shoulders.  As he tried to let go, Jonas just squeezed harder and turned his face into his neck.  Isak breathed in the smell of the shampoo, generic and floral, that was pouring from his thick mass of curls.  

 

“I love you so much Isak.” He whispered wetly into Isak’s hoodie.  

 

“I love you too Jonas.  You’re my best friend.  You’re my family forever.” Isak pushed away and smiled weakly at Jonas.  They just stood there for a few moments silently before they both broke out in laughter.  Nothing was funny, and honestly to an outside observer the reaction was completely inappropriate to what the situation called for, but this was Isak and Jonas. And this was why they were best friends.  When things were too overwhelming they just laughed.  It was a coping mechanism.   

 

Was it healthy? Isak didn’t feel like delving into that yet.   

 

Jonas squeezed him one last time and whispered, “P.O.W.’s for life.” Isak blinked back some tears and whispered it back. 

 

As soon as he looked at his sisters he knew his body was about to betray him.  They were already sobbing, and Krista's shoulders were hunched over from the cries being punched out of her.  He couldn’t take it and found himself enveloping both his sister’s in his arms. For a few minutes all that could be heard were the pitiful cries of three people mourning a loss.  They didn’t even try to quiet themselves.  And if they tried it probably only would have made them louder.  Pain like this demands to be freed without restrictions, and neither of them wanted to find out what trying to confine this agony would feel like.  So they let it wreck out of their bodies as they held onto each other as tightly as they could.   

 

Isak was only 23 and he didn’t have kids of his own, but he knew what a parental love felt like, because there was no one on this earth he loved more fiercely than his sisters.  There were no others in existence that he would die and start wars for. They had been through so much together.  Hey all saw the same traumas and they braved the same trials together. But now he was leaving and he felt like he was betraying the only loves of his life.  

 

Krista looked up first.  Big round eyes opened wide and bloodshot, making her seem younger than her fifteen years. “What will I do without you?” Her voice trembled and an endless stream of tears continued to pour over her cheeks as she clung to the hem of his hoodie. Isak reached out to wipe at her face.  

 

“You will be fine.  You are the bravest person I know and I am a Skype call away.” He took a shaky breath and continued.  “And you have Nicole and Jonas.  They aren’t going anywhere.” Isak looked her in the eye as he begged her to hear everything that he was leaving unspoken.  She nodded slightly and reached to cling to his neck. He squeezed her waist before stepping back to kiss her cheek.   

 

“I love you more than double stuffed Oreo’s.” He directed the sentiment at her and watched as the corner of her lips slowly turned upwards.   

 

“And I love you more than stuffed crust pizza.” She leaned in and reached up to kiss his forehead before making her way towards Jonas who was already standing with his arms open waiting for her.  Isak watched as they sat down and Jonas whispered something into her hair as he rubbed her arms.  There was never a time in his expansive memory that Isak could recall feeling as thankful as he was right this moment that Jonas treated Krista like his own little sister.  It was a comfort, no matter how slight. 

 

He tore his eyes from them and allowed them to land on Nicole.  They were only a year and a half a part and sometimes he felt like they could read each other’s minds.  They had that twin telepathy thing going on, except without the twin part.   

 

Semantics, whatever.   

 

He reached out and grabbed her hand.   

 

“What do we do now?” It came out soft but he was pleading with her to tell him what to do.  He didn’t want to be the big brother right now. 

 

“I don’t know” she shrugged, “but I don’t want to cry anymore.” 

 

“Me either.” 

 

They stared at each other in silence.  Both of them quietly agreeing to stop the tears.  She squeezed his hand one more time and said, “I love you Isak. Krista and I are the luckiest brats in the world, because we get to have you as our big brother.  Now get on that plane and text me when you land in Denver.” He laughed at her motherly tone and kissed her one last time before picking up his backpack and making his way through security. As soon as he put his bag on his shoulder and grabbed his things off of the TSA conveyor belt, he looked back at his family, waved, and walked towards his gate. 

 

 

 

> **_Two weeks before:_  
>  **  
>   
> 
> _Isak_ _sat in Chris and Anna’s living_ _room_ _in the corner of their brown sectional sofa while they sat across from him patiently waiting for him to speak.  He was holding his knees to his chest and he was two seconds away from rocking back and for_ _th and really losing control._ _He saw them at church yesterday, (work? What difference did it make, it was the same thing), and asked if he could come over to talk_ _to them.  He knew not telling them what it was about was irritatingly mysterious and melodramatic, but that didn’t matter.  This was too big.  Too important._  
> 
>  
> 
> _It had been eating him up for months now and he was starting to see the physical side effects of it.  He was losing his hair and vomiting.  Lost his appetite and sleep was a concept he had forgotten_   _about altogether.  He had prayed about it and he had begged God for forgiveness.  He had never been_ _sorrier_ _in his life, but it wouldn’t go away.  His secret_ _lay_ _with him at night and held him close.  It breathed down his neck at work when he was teaching his students. It followed him everywhere and threatened to ruin every relationship he had.  But he had to say something. He had to tell someone, and there was no one he trusted more_ _with it_ _than Chris and Anna._  
> 
>  
> 
> _They all worked_ _for the youth department at Calvary Center Church_ _.  It was the biggest_   _evangelical_ _non-denominational church in the state and they, along with Jason, the youth pastor and their boss, directly oversaw the department which boasted over two thousand high school students.  It was a job that came with notoriety and some celebrity in the area._ _Isak_ _was the youngest member of the_ _staff with Anna peaking the group_ _at 26 – and that’s what everyone loved about them. They were young, creative, cool, and successfully ran a monster of an organization. It was thrilling and beyond stressful – but they loved it.  Because when it came down to it, they loved their students. It helped that the four of them were good friends before they started working in ministry together.  They all had the same vision and goals and most days it didn’t feel like work.  Considering how young they were and the size of the operation they were running, they were given incredible amounts of freedom to do and create as they pleased.  Whatever it took to bring the gospel to the youth of Florida. To spread the message of God_ _to today's_ _young people_ _. But right_   _now_ _,_ _that was the last thing on_ _Isak’s_ _mind. He’d been sitting on their couch for almost thirty minutes and hadn’t said one word.  Honestly their patience with him was teetering on award winning._ _But enough was enough._  
> 
>  
> 
> _“I did something awful.” It came out little more than a whisper, but that was all he could manage._ _Tears were streaming down his face,_ _but he wasn’t sobbing.  They were just leaving his eyes on their own._ _Chris let out a_ _sharp_ _breath._  
> 
>  
> 
> _“I’m running through all of the things you could possibly_ _have done_ _in my mind and I’m starting to come up with worse case scenarios here.  Did you run over a child?”_  
> 
>  
> 
> _He meant it as a joke.  He was trying to lighten the mood, but there was no helping it._   _Isak_ _just shook his head in reply.  Before giving himself any more time to_ _talk himself out of it, he just let_   _it_ _rush out of his mouth._  
> 
>  
> 
> _“I had an inappropriate relationship with someone who was married.”_  
> 
>  
> 
> _They both just stared at him in silence.  They all knew what_ inappropriate  _meant.  It was code for_ sexual _. Even though they tell you_ _that all sin is worth the same_ _,_ _no one really means that.  Because when it comes to sexual sin_ _in the church,_ _there is nothing more disgusting, shameful,_ _or_ _difficult to be rid of._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Chris just nodded and said, “Ok.” as patiently as ever._  
> 
>  
> 
> _“But I ended it.”_ _Isak_ _blurted out.  “I knew it was wrong and I felt terrible and I couldn’t stand myself any longer.”_ _Isak_ _was starting to shake now, but_ _Chris didn’t react and he never took his eyes off of_ _Isak_ _._  
> 
>  
> 
> _“Who was it?”  And that was the question he was most afraid of answering.  But he knew that without it, this was all pointless._  
> 
>  
> 
> _“I need you to promise me that you won’t repeat this to anyone – ever.  Promise me!”_ _The desperation coming out in his tone felt foreign. Who was he?  When did it_ _get_ _to this point?  What small choices did he begin making in his life that led to being sick with fear at the thought of people looking into the darkest corners of his life?_  
> 
>  
> 
> **"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18**   
> 
>  
> 
> _Promises were a big deal to_   _Isak_ _and his friends.  For some reason when they were all younger they had decided that no matter what, if you promised_ _someone_ _something you had to fulfill it and you couldn’t l_ _ie.  And for all these years_ _it was the one code among their friends that no one joked around with.  It meant something and you didn’t just throw around that word carelessly.  So he knew what he_ _was asking them when he said this.  Chris and Anna looked at each other, having a silent conversation with their eyes._  
> 
>  
> 
> _“We promise_   _Isak_ _.” Chris looked at him with the most empathy he had ever seen in anyone.  And for a moment_ _Isak_ _felt brave.  It was fleeting as hell but he grabbed onto it for the strength he needed._  
> 
>  
> 
> _“It was Jason.  I had an affair with Jason.”_ _This time his body didn’t hold back and his cries came out as yells while he curled into a ball and wept._  

 

 **_Now_ **  

“Please prepare for takeoff.”  

 

The scratchy sound of the captain’s voice came over the intercom and shook Isak out of his thoughts.  Isak pulled his hood over his head and leaned against the window as he watched the runway go by faster and faster. He felt the tears on his neck as they made their way down and soaked through the shirt he was wearing underneath his hoodie.  He felt the cold plastic of the armrests dig into his hands and his fists tightened around him.  And then he felt the shame and disgust as it took over his body and filled him with nausea and a fatigue he could never be rid of.   

 

He watched the ground beneath him start to get smaller as it faded away and he reminded himself that no matter how much everyone else would hate him for what he did, no one would hate him as much as he hated himself.  So even if he seemed to be losing control of everything else in his life, at least he had that.  

 

He cried himself to sleep and didn’t wake up until he landed in Denver. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Tumblr:**   
>  [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wasn't ready for the disappointment that Nicole was going to be flooded with. Because honestly, he could live with the knowledge that this scandal would classify him as dirty and an abomination. That's why he was leaving after all, wasn't it? To start over. To figure out who he was outside of God and religion. If there was anything to figure out at all. But the disappointment from his sisters? How would he be able to live with that?

CHAPTER TWO 

 

Isak was exhausted from the flight.  An early morning combined with constant crying and his nerves on edge wasn't really conducive to a day where you're leaving everything you've ever known in favor of a life without a support system.  As he walked off the plane and into the terminal in Denver, he quickly checked a monitor to confirm his gate and departure time.  He had a three hour layover which was the first feeling of gratitude he's felt all day.  He can't really handle needing to rush right now. 

 

His stomach was still in knots so food wasn't an option, but he knew he needed to drink some water.  If there was one piece of information he retained from the copious amounts of literature that had been sent to him upon his hire, it was to keep hydrated.  He was leaving his home - a beautiful beach town in Florida exactly at sea level and would be arriving to an elevation of 7,000 feet.  Isak had only ever been in the mountains once when he was 6 years old. It was right after his parents divorced and everyone was still trying to maintain a united front. He and Nicole flew to Norway with their father to visit family and go skiing in Trysil. All Isak remembered from that trip was the way his aunts talked about his mother as if he wasn't able to understand.  And while he didn't comprehend everything that they discussed, at six years old it's hard to miss blatant animosity in someone's tone.  He decided then he didn't like them very much. 

 

After purchasing an oversized bottle of water, he stopped at a restroom on his way to his gate.  The line of men in front of him had shrunk from seven to two when he remembered he needed to text Nicole and let her know he made it to Denver.  His phone starts lighting up with notifications as he switches it back on from airplane mode.  The decision to ignore those until after he contacts his sister is taken from him when he sees a missed call from Chris and a red icon indicating an unheard voicemail. Heat begins to pool in his stomach the moment he hears Chris's voice. 

 

 **_"Hey Iss, I know you're currently on your plane right now but I needed to reach out to you immediately.  I just left Jason's house."_ **  

 

There's a pause where all he can hear is the sound of heavy breaths coming through the phone.  

 

 **_"I know I promised you that I wouldn't say anything, but it's all I've been thinking about for the last two weeks, and honestly this is bigger than you and me.  I was able to hear your side of the situation and I know your heart.  You are remorseful and have repented, but I could not in good conscious continue to let Jason lead our kids knowing that he was keeping that kind of sin hidden.  I can't tell you anything more, but just know that I am going to do everything I can to keep this from our students.  Hope you had a safe flight.  Love you brother."_ **  

 

Silence 

 

Isak pushed through the men in front of him and vomited into the nearest trash can. 

 

<><><> 

 

He sat at a small empty charging station in a corner near his gate.  His leg was bouncing up and down and for the life of him, he couldn't get it to calm the fuck down.  He had to call Nicole; he had to tell her everything.  There was just no way he could risk this coming out and for his sisters to hear it through church gossip.  The thought made him nauseous again.   

 

 

 

> **_Two months ago:_  
>  **  
>   
> 
> **______________________   **
> 
> **_Jason_ **  
> 
>  
> 
> _She just left for work.  Come over._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Ok.  Be there in 30._  
> 
> **______________________ **  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak was nervous and giddy.  They had talked about this before; Jason's wife would leave for work every morning and never close the garage door after she left.  Meaning Isak could just walk in without being seen._  
> 
>  
> 
> _The first time Jason suggested it, Isak just smiled and replied with something flirty.  Almost all of these interactions between the two of them were through text. At work they were the picture of professionalism, but in the evenings their conversations were anything but._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Jason, like the rest of their friends, was an artist and a creative at heart, so he loved to write elaborate stories of the two of them living out both of their sexual fantasies.  And Isak would read it and let him know how turned on it made him.  Isak played the seductive tease well.  He would reply back letting Jason know how he wanted to put his mouth on him and how seeing him at work made him hard and he would have to relieve himself of the tension in his office.  That part wasn't true, but he knew Jason liked to hear it._  
> 
>  
> 
> _At first Isak was unsure about everything._  
> 
>  
> 
> _'I'm not gay' he told Jason one night while they were texting._  
> 
>  
> 
> _'Of course you're not.  Neither of us are.  We are just hyper sexual beings and we need an outlet – that's all this is.'_
> 
>  
> 
>   _And Isak believed him.  He had to.  The alternative was terrifying._  
> 
>  
> 
> _And so, it continued - and it was thrilling.  The adrenaline of it all was addictive. There would be the evenings where all of their friends went out to some chain restaurant for dinner and he and Jason would sit next to one another.  Jason would slip his hand onto Isak's thigh under the table and stroke him while maintaining a conversation with everyone else.  And no one was the wiser. Or the days at work when they would be the last to leave the conference room after a brainstorming meeting and before he could get to the door, Jason would press himself against Isak from behind and whisper into his ear, "Do you see what you do to me?  See how hard you make me?"  And then walk away leaving Isak to quickly catch his breath._  
> 
>  
> 
> _It was exciting because it felt innocent and forbidden at the same time.  It was all talk.  But now, Jason was inviting him to his home.  Somewhere in the back of his mind Isak knew that this was crossing a new threshold, but if he continued down that train of thought then he wouldn't go through with it, and he already told Jason he was coming.  It was almost like a dare.  Jason was calling him out to see if he would call 'Uncle' first.  And it was that thought that moved Isak into his car and drove him to his house._  
> 
>  
> 
> _As he pulled into Jason's driveway he saw the garage door open – just like he said it would be.  He shut the car off and just sat in the driver's seat to collect himself.  He did it.  He won.  Now he could walk in there and they could laugh and flirt over the absurdity of this whole situation._  
> 
>  
> 
> _He pulled off his sunglasses as he walked up to the door inside the garage that Isak knew led to a small hallway in Jason's house. He raised his hands to knock, but before his fist could make contact with the door, it swung open and he was grabbed by an arm and pulled inside. Before he knew it, he was being pressed against a wall as a voice whispered into his ear, "This is it.  After today, we end this."  And just like that his phone and sunglasses dropped to the floor as his lips were being crushed by Jason's mouth._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak didn't know what to do.  His brain was being flooded with conflicting thoughts._  
> 
>  
> 
> _'Stop.'_  
> 
> _'This wasn't the plan.'_  
> 
> _'Weren't we just kidding?'_  
> 
> _'We were just flirting._ _'_  
> 
>  
> 
> _There were alarms going off telling him to stop, but then Jason's hands were roaming over his body and pushing him further against the wall, and Isak knew he had a role to play. That's what all this had been to begin with – just being the object of someone's else's affection. The assertive seducer willing to give into the indulgences no one else would - the sensuality's that their dogmatic world classified as debauchery and depraved._  
> 
>  
> 
> _He pushed through the panic and kissed Jason back hungrily. Fisting his hands in his hair and arching his back from the wall to create more pressure. Jason groaned and broke away from him suddenly, grabbing Isak's wrist and leading him into the living room and onto the oversized sofa. The sofa that Isak had spent countless nights on playing games and watching movies with their friends. The sofa that was now being littered with their clothing as it was being ripped off their bodies and thrown carelessly about._  
> 
>  
> 
> _He pushed Jason down until his head hit the armrest. Straddling his hips, he leaned in and slowly pressed his lips to Jason's, teasing him with his tongue and licking his bottom lip while he lazily grinded his hips into him.  Both of them were still in their briefs, but the friction was intoxicating.  Struck with a moment of courage, Isak pushed up from Jason and made his way down until his face was pressed against the inside of his thigh.  He tilted his head back to look him in the eye as he hooked his fingers into the waistband of his underwear.  In one swift movement he had them pulled down and was immediately taking Jason into his mouth._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Jason let out a strangled noise as he guided Isak's head into a rhythm._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Fuck Iss. Your mouth.  You're so fucking good at this."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _And then everything stopped.  There were no more sounds registering.  The noise from the tv that had been left on suddenly seemed to mute itself and was replaced by the sound of Isak's pulse hammering in his chest.  He could feel that Jason was saying more but nothing was making it to his ears._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Maybe it was the sudden use of his nickname.  Or maybe he wasn't as good at playing a part in person like he thought he was.  All he knew was that he couldn't do this anymore.  Jason was married.  He had a wife! A woman who Isak adored.  What was Jason thinking? And what about him? What was he doing here? He had never done anything like this in his life.  Had never had sex, let alone had another man in his mouth.  What did this mean for Isak?  Was he - ?_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I can't do this." He sat up immediately and pushed himself to the other end of the couch.  Jason sat up, reached down for something and handed Isak his shirt.  He took it without looking him in the eye and put it on hastily.  He sat there just staring at his knees and felt Jason scoot closer to him._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"It's ok." He paused and let out a long breath. "That's ok." He placed his arm around Isak's shoulders and in this  moment, he allowed himself to settle into the comfort.  No matter how slight.  No matter how perverted.  No matter how fucked up._

 

 

 **_Now_ **  

He dialed Nicole's number, placed the phone to his ear and waited for her to answer.  

 

"Hey, did you make it?" Her voice came through the receiver a little tired but anxious. 

 

"Yeah, yeah I did. Sitting by the gate now." He propped his elbow on the table and dropped his forehead into his palm.  

 

"Good.  How was the flight?  How much longer until you takeoff again?" 

 

"The flight was fine I guess.  I slept through it.  And I think we start boarding in a little over an hour.  I know I'm only 2 hours behind you now but I already feel displaced with the time change." 

 

She laughed softly, "Yeah, we just finished lunch and I'm getting ready to take a nap.  It's been an overwhelming day."  She dropped off there like she was remembering their morning at the airport.  

 

He always found the magnitude of his love for his sisters to be amazing.  It was something he could never describe to anyone else because he wasn't sure he knew anyone else who experienced this.  Right now, two thousand miles away, the life that he had known and carefully curated for himself was about to be irrevocably destroyed.  His name was going to be raked through mud, his reputation would be tarnished, and he would lose the trust of so many.  Of the students that he counseled, their parents and families, and the administration of the schools in the surrounding counties.  But all he could find to worry about was Nicole and Krista.  How this would devastate their lives.    

 

He wasn't ready for the disappointment that Nicole was going to be flooded with.  Because honestly, he could live with the knowledge that this scandal would classify him as dirty and an abomination.  That's why he was leaving after all, wasn't it?  To start over.  To figure out who he was outside of God and religion.  If there was anything to figure out at all.  But the disappointment from his sisters?  How would he be able to live with that? 

 

Well the answer was clear.  He wouldn't. 

 

 Isak figured it was now or never.  

 

"I have to tell you something." His voice started cracking, betraying any sense of bravery he was trying to portray. "And I need you to promise me you won't tell anyone else."  

 

Her voice dropped an octave, "You're scaring me Iss.  Are you okay?"  

 

"Nic, just promise me first." 

 

A pause. 

 

"I promise." 

 

Deep breath in. 

 

"I had an affair with Jason.  It started in November and lasted for a few months.  I ended it a while ago but it looks like it may become public knowledge soon and I didn't want you to find out through anyone else." It all rushed out.  He didn't have it in him to ease her into the story or be tactful with his bluntness.   

 

Several beats passed before she said anything. "What happened?" And like he was reading through a history book he recited the entire situation to her.  Told her how it started sometime after his breakup with his ex, Jasmine.  How it was all just texts until it wasn't.  How he went to Chris and Anna to confess it all.  How it had taken a physical toll on his body and how he didn't even know what was happening to him mentally.  He told her that he wasn't gay but that he was weak and gross and so sorry.  And then he told her about Chris's voicemail.  It was all so clinical, like he was describing someone else's story.  It almost felt- easy? 

 

Silence again.  And then – no.  Her breath was stuttering.  He could hear the heaving sounds come from her chest.  "Iss – I'm so sorry!" And there he was again, wailing out loud in public.  How many more times was this going to happen to him?  Was this what the rest of his life was going to feel like now? Just endless waves of sorrow and shame throwing him back and forth and beating him until he was even more weak and even more small? 

 

"Isak," her voice was steadier now.  Surer. "I don't know what's going to happen, and I don’t know how this will play out but I know that I love you.  You made a bad choice but you are not a bad person.  You are still my big brother and you will always be my family.  I am so sorry that you have been dealing with this on your own."  

 

Isak wiped his face on his sleeves and sat up a little straighter.  His shoulders had hunched forward through his sobbing and he was sore.  He took several long deep breaths to steady his breathing before speaking again.  

 

"I love you Nic." He whispered it. "I wish you were here."  He needed to get through this damn day already.  "Do me a favor and don’t tell Krista.  I want to be the one to do it." 

 

"Of course, Iss." 

 

"I think we're about to board."  

 

"Okay.  Let me know when you land." He placed the phone in between his face and shoulder and started unplugging and wrapping his charger to put back in his backpack.  

 

"Also," she continued, "I shipped your stuff to you as soon as we left the airport.  Don't know how long it will take to get to you though." 

 

He had completely forgotten about that.  "Thanks" he mumbled as he zipped up the front pocket. 

 

"Love you." 

 

"Love you more." 

 

<><><> 

 

The plane for his connecting flight was terrifyingly small.  There were only single seats on either side of the aisle and the entire one and a half hour ride was spent in what felt like a tornado of turbulence.  When they began their descent, (thank god!), he looked out his windows to see snow covered mountain ranges.  Isak couldn't remember the mountains in Norway and Florida definitely didn't have any mountain ranges to boast, but this, The Grand Tetons - this was a sight to behold.   

 

Stone that jutted out from the ground into sharp peaks almost 3 miles into the atmosphere.  Tips covered in crisp white with trails snaking along the mountains making their way to the base.  Bold, green statuesque trees lining a wide crystal river and a sky with colors that could rival a Florida sunset. Isak had never seen anything like it. He was stunned at the reverence he felt. 

 

He braced himself for a bumpy landing and finally released the death grip he had on his armrests. As soon as the 'Fasten Seatbelt' sign was no longer illuminated, he reached down for his backpack and made his way to the front of the plane.  He was expecting a covered walkway that lead to the terminal but instead was faced with a set of steel stairs leading to the tarmac.  He climbed down huddling against a soft wind that whipped through his hoodie.  It was the end of April but felt like a January day back home.   

 

He followed the small crowd of passengers from his flight into a small building that he could only assume was the Jackson Hole airport.  It looked to be about the size of a small grocery store.  Nothing like the airport back home which was rated top in the country for its size and technological advances.   

 

Isak sighed. He was going to have to stop comparing everything to back home.  It wasn't home anymore.   

 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened the email from the HR director that had the details of where to find the van that would shuttle him to where he needed to be.   

 

 **_As soon as you land be sure to grab your luggage and make your way to the front entrance of the airport.  There will be a green van with the logo 'Grand Teton Lodge Company' waiting for you outside.  The driver will have your name on a clipboard to check you in._ **  

 

Alright, easy enough.  

 

Isak didn't have to go searching for baggage claim as there was only one conveyor belt and he could easily see the airport in its entirety from where he stood. He grabbed his two suitcases off the belt and started making his way to the front.  He didn't want to be late and make an awful first impression.  Isak was naturally independent and outgoing when he needed to be, so normally this situation would excite him with a sense of adventure. But currently he felt nervous and full of a stage fright he didn't recognize.  So far, running away from your problems wasn't living up to the hype.  

 

He made it to the automatic sliding doors when he spotted his name out of his peripheral vision.  He stepped back and turned around just to make sure he wasn't seeing things. The Norwegian spelling of his name was not common in America, (thanks dad), and that was enough reason for a second glance.  But there it was, bold and black on a piece of white cardboard.  

 

 **Isak V.**  

 

He looked up to the stranger holding the sign – and he had to look up.  At just over six feet, Isak was used to being the tallest person in the room but this guy had him by a few extra inches.   

 

He cleared his throat.  

 

"Um, I'm Isak." 

 

The guy turned slightly to his left to look at Isak.  He paused for a moment, looking – shocked? And then, "Isak Valtersen with GTLC?" 

 

"Yeah, that's me" 

 

He smiled broadly and held out his hand enthusiastically.    

 

"So great to meet you! I'm Even - your roommate." 

 

 

 

> **_A month ago:_  
>  **  
>   
> 
> _"It was a pleasure speaking with you Isak. Look forward to having you at GTLC once the season starts.  In the meantime, feel free to reach out to me with any questions you may have."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I'll be sure to do that.  Thanks."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _He threw his phone on the bed and threw his head back into the pillows.  It was official – he was moving to Jackson, Wyoming in five weeks.  Packing wasn't going to be difficult.  He lived with Jonas in the spare bedroom of his parents' house. He had moved back home a couple months ago after the lease from his place had expired and he wasn't sure what his next move was going to be.  That didn't last long. Tony, his stepfather, was on another binge with prescription pain meds and whenever that happened his relationship with his mother went to shit._  
> 
>  
> 
> _He felt terrible leaving Krista there alone knowing how abusive the situation could get, but after a night of yelling back and forth with his mother about Tony's addiction the older man struck Isak across his face twice with the back of his hand.  Leaving behind a mark he had to lie his way around later.  He called Jonas that night and left the next morning._  
> 
>  
> 
> _He had heard about seasonal work through a friend of a friend and after almost no consideration whatsoever he applied to three different resorts.  Grand Teton Lodge Company reached out to him first and after 2 interviews he was hired as a lead server at one of their restaurants at the lodge._  
> 
>  
> 
> _It crossed his mind more than once that leaving behind awell-paying and lucrative career to go to the other side of the country and be a waiter wasn't the smartest decision he'd ever made.  But unlike everything else currently going on in his life, this was the only thing that brought him a sense of ease when he thought about it._  
> 
>  
> 
> _And that was enough really.  At this stage in the game all he was looking for was peace.  Peace of mind.  Peace with knowing who he was.  Peace with God.  Peace with the idea that maybe there wasn't a god.  And peace with being okay if that's what it turned out to be.  He just needed some semblance of rest, and when he thought about spending his summer out west, that's what he received._  
> 
>  
> 
> _He had five weeks to buy his plane ticket and give his notice.  But first, he was going to have to break the news to his sisters._

 

 

 **_Now_ **  

"Here let me grab one of your bags." Even reached out and took the largest piece of luggage from Isak's hands before he could protest.  

 

"I know you were probably expecting the shuttle, but a flight with 3 other new hires was cancelled and it seemed silly to have them bring out a 12 passenger van for one person, so I volunteered." 

 

"That's okay.  I appreciate it."   

 

They made their way to the parking lot where a sleek black Audi sedan was waiting for them.   _Impressive, and weirdly out of place_ , was all Isak thought.  

 

As if reading his mind, Even spoke up.   

 

"It was a graduation present a few years ago.  It's ostentatious I know." He shrugged a little as he shoved Isak's bags into the trunk and unlocked the front doors for them to both get in. 

 

"It's just that I was expecting a bunch of Ford pickup trucks.  I guess a luxury sedan didn’t fit my vision for Wyoming."  He paused briefly then added, "And yeah, it's a little pretentious." 

 

Even barked out a laugh and Isak was relieved that he found his remark funny and not biting. Isak could be sarcastic, but it was usually always in jest. 

 

"You're right though, there is an abundance of trucks around here, but I grew up on the east coast in upstate New York.  Both my parents work for the State of Education and my father has very passionate views on 'investing in your automobile'" He hooked his fingers in air quotes as he said that.  

 

Isak smiled.  He understood that type.  His father's side of the family was much more well off then his mother's.  His aunts were always speaking down to his mom about moving from one home rental to another while he was growing up.  His aunt had bought both him and Nicole there first cars and while he hated them and their treatment of his mother, he knew his she could never afford to give them something as extravagant as a first car.  So instead of declining the gift he and Nicole both insisted on mid-level sedans. They both needed a vehicle, but they weren't interested in making their mother feel like shit in the process either.  The fight was easier than expected, his aunt resigning herself to the 'compromise'.   

 

None of that mattered now though.  He had sold his car before he moved, wanting to pad his savings account with as much as possible before leaving.  This job was seasonal, which meant it ended in the end of summer.  He didn't know what he was going to do after that and he wanted to feel financially stable. 

 

Even turned the radio on to something with a lot of twang. 

 

"How do you feel about country music?" 

 

"Not particularly inclined to love it." 

 

"Me either, but you're in cowboy country now." 

 

"Cowboy country?" Isak looked over at Even as he tapped a beat onto the steering wheel. 

 

"Yeah man just wait.  Actually, are you hungry?  We could stop into town for some lunch before heading to the park.  Town is about an hour away from us so it's nice to get a chance to get in there when you can." 

 

Isak thought about it for a moment.  It was just around lunch time here but back home it was the middle of the afternoon.  Aside from his bottle of water, he hadn't eaten anything and while he wasn't particularly hungry he knew he should probably eat something anyways. 

 

"I could go for some food." 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Tumblr:**   
>  [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was desperate. Nervous that he offended the guy who gave him extra hangers and made sure he was staying hydrated. Isak had no friends here. No connections whatsoever, and he didn't want to lose the one he seemed to develop so quickly. 
> 
> Even stayed silent as they walked the trail back. Isak thought he blew it royally, but then Even finally spoke. 
> 
> "You're not a bother Isak." He kept looking straight ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***I'm Having some formatting issues with text messages. Bare with me. or if you can help, let me know!***  
> I just completed the outline for this fic - and let me tell you, I am crying!  
> I hope you are all prepared for a true slow burn and to take this journey of healing and self discovery with our Isak.  
> Deep character development is something I am truly trash for, so I would love to hear what you have to say on it. I have a pretty firm grasp on our protagonists but don't mind seeing how you all interpret them.
> 
> Come talk to me on Twitter: @TabithaAnne8
> 
> Thank you to Jamz24 for assisting me with some prompts.  
> She gave me motivation in really beginning to develop Isak's voice here.
> 
> ***All grammatical errors are mine.***

"Welcome home." 

 

Isak took in his surroundings as he stepped out of the car.  He was surrounded by three large apartment buildings.  In the middle was a wide expanse of a courtyard and within that were a few trails leading to a club house. Directly across there was a basketball court with picnic tables and benches sporadically spread out amongst the trees and parking lot.  

 

"This is  _Employee Village_." Even had already retrieved Isaks's bags from the trunk and was making his way around the car towards him. He pointed to the clubhouse which was currently behind them.  

 

"That's the common area.  There's a large laundry room in there along with vending machines, pool tables, and a big screen tv.  Right now, it's constantly on some indie channel that plays horror films.  Dakota, one of the wranglers, refuses to watch anything else." 

 

He looked at Even with an amused smile, "A wrangler named Dakota?" 

 

Even raised his eyebrows expressively and tilted his chin down a bit.  

 

"I swear to god." He straightened up and continued with his verbal tour.  

 

"These three buildings house all of the employees here at  _Colter Bay_  and that small stretch of doors attached over there" He pointed opposite the common area, "That's where management lives. You and I, however, are over here in building three." 

 

He looked up to the building directly in front of where they had parked, Even had already started towards the side where a set of stairs led to the second floor.  Isak quickly caught up with him and grabbed one of the suitcases from his hands as they made their way up.  As soon as they reached the landing he was panting so heavily he felt as if he'd just run a mile.  He tried to hide his breaths, suddenly embarrassed at how out of shape he seemed to be. But as he was quickly learning, nothing really got past Even. 

 

"It's the altitude change.  It will take some getting used to. Whatever you do just keep yourself hydrated.  The mountains will suck every last ounce of water out of you." 

 

They made their way into the building and down a hallway, stopping in front of a door marked  _9_.   

 

"Thanks for the tip." Isak managed to heave out trying his hardest to remain standing upright and not bent over like his body seemed to be pushing him to do.   All he wanted to do was crash and sleep for the next few days, but he didn't want Even to know that. 

 

They pushed through the door and he followed the taller man in the room.  it was far more spacious then he expected.  On either side were two wardrobes, two dressers, and a pair of double-beds.  The wall directly between them was filled with one enormous window and sat beneath it was a nondescript desk and chair.  He looked over to the left side of the room where it seemed Even had already taken over.  One of the doors to the wardrobe was open and there were pictures taped to the hanging mirror. His bed was made and on his dresser he saw several containers of hair product and colognes.   _Definitely a city boy._ The thought comforted him.  He himself came from a major metropolitan area, the knowledge that his new roommate was from a similar background made him feel less lonely somehow. 

 

"I got here a little over a week ago so I just commandeered this side of the room.  But we're lucky to have a corner dorm, it means an extra window.  I figured you wouldn't mind having the view."  

 

He shrugged like he barely gave it any thought, but to Isak it was a big deal.  He felt the sudden sting of tears pushing behind his eyes and he quickly turned around to give himself some privacy.  He needed to get a grip.  How was he supposed to make it through this summer if every small act of kindness shown toward him left him in a pool of tears? He cleared his throat and took in a few calming breaths before dropping his backpack and unceremoniously throwing himself onto his bed, arms and legs star-fished out and eyes trained on the ceiling. He let out something between a sigh and groan and heard chuckling from across the room. 

 

He lifted his head up to see Even's shoulders shaking in quiet laughter.  

 

"I know the bed isn't  _that_  comfortable" 

 

Isak threw his head back on the pillows with a huff.  

 

"No, I'm just  _that_  exhausted." It was only 7 o'clock back home but he felt like he'd run a marathon and then been steamrolled immediately afterwards.   

 

Even looked down at him sympathetically before making his way over to his wardrobe.   

 

"I'm going down to the common room.  Some of the wranglers wanted to play a game of Bullshit."  His voice was muffled now as he rifled through the bottom shelf.  "I know they'd love another player though." He stood up straight with a triumphant look on his face as he lifted up a grey hoodie.  The blue sweater he had been wearing was quickly pulled over his head, the shirt underneath lifting up and revealing a small stretch of smooth pale skin above his jeans.  Isak quickly turned his head back towards the ceiling before Even finished donning the hoodie and discarded the blue sweater into a mesh hamper behind the door. 

 

"So, what do you say?  Wanna join us?"   

 

He sat up and pushed his back up against the headboard.  He should go.  He should meet people and relax, but how much relaxing was he going to do when all he wanted was to wallow in self-pity?  He gave Even, what he hoped was a grateful smile.  

 

"Thanks, but I think I'm gonna take the time to unpack and settle in." 

 

"That's chill.  If you finish up and want some company or some beer, you know where to find me." He flashed Isak a bright smile and what he assumed was an attempt at a wink.  He smiled back.  He couldn't help it.  Even was goofy and endearing, and that combination put him at ease.  There was nothing assuming or judgmental about him.   

 

It felt nice.  It felt needed.  

 

"Oh hey, what's your cell number? If we end up heading out anywhere I'll let you know." He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and tapped at it while Isak recited his number to him.  A few moments later he was heading out the room with a quick "Later" and just like that Isak was alone.   

 

He grabbed his Bluetooth speaker out of his bag, plugging it in and setting it up on his dresser knowing he would need some music to get through the task ahead of him.  He opened Spotify and pressed play, letting the sound of Miguel fill the room.  His phone lit up with a notification. 

 

 **____________________**  

 **Unknown Number**  

Hey, it's Even!  

Save me as something awesome. 

Also, drink some water and stay hydrated. 

… 

Seriously. 

 **____________________**  

 

Isak rolled his eyes, already fond of his new friend. He quickly saved him to his contacts as  _Something Awesome_ , (because Isak is a bit of a smartass, ok?) and lifted the first suitcase onto the bed to start unpacking. As he made his way to his wardrobe he began making a mental note of supplies he was going to need to pick up when he got the chance, suddenly remembering that he hadn't had the room to pack any hangers.  Opening the two doors he found a brand new set of hangers still packaged.  A quick observation revealed them to be the same sea-foam green color as the ones hanging in Even's cabinet.   _Who is this guy?_   He would make sure to thank him later. 

 

A little over an hour later he pushed the last empty suitcase under his bed and collapsed onto it satisfied.   The room felt more like a home now.  The hooks on the walls had his jacket and various hoodies hanging from it, the dresser held a few pictures of his sisters and friends, and the pillowcases on his pillows were replaced with the two he brought from home.   

 

He picked up his phone and sent out a bunch of texts to Nicole and Krista when the battery icon started blinking, reminding him it hadn't been charged since this morning.  He reached over to grab his backpack, which was settled between the nightstand and bed and unzipped the front pocket to retrieve his charger. The cable was tangled in with his headphones and stuck beneath the book he brought to read on the plane but completely neglected.  He put both hands inside the pocket to grab everything inside of it at once and scattered it on the duvet in front of him.  A folded up envelope he didn't recognize fell out as well. 

 

Picking it up he saw a purple heart drawn on it with a big letter  **O** written inside of it.  

 

"Olive" he whispered to no one.  He opened it up and a smiled softly to himself as he could hear her say  _'Dammit Is, It's Ollie! Stop calling me Olive like I'm stuck knitting an afghan in a nursing home.'_   

 

He had met Ollie and Jonas the same night at church when they were all twelve.  They were forced together in a group sharing activity as neither of them seemed to really know anyone else there.  It turned out Ollie went to the same school as he did.  After a quick joke at Jonas's expense because he was homeschooled they settled in and had been  inseparable ever since.  

 

Ollie eventually stopped going to church after high school.  She was a free spirit and didn't like the  _'Misogynistic patriarchal society'_  that she felt was pushed down everyone's throats.  Most of their church group cut ties with her, classifying her as a  _wild party girl who had backslidden_.  Whatever.  Jonas and him got a pass because they were all best friends, but he knew there were deacon's and their wives who looked down on him, a recognized leader within the church, for still hanging around her. 

 

The thing was - Isak liked the new group of friends she had acquired.  Yeah, they generally always smelled like smoke and booze and he was certain all of them were probably gay - but they were fun as hell, and they were accepting.  They didn't require a deep knowledge and understanding of your  _salvation story_  in order to want to hang out with you.  It was refreshing and Isak wished he could have that all of the time.   

 

He sat back to read the letter. 

 

 **_My dearest Isabelle,_ **  

 **_(Just kidding! Don't yell at me for that.)_ **  

      ** _Hopefully, if Jonas can be trusted to do his job right, you are either on the plane to Wyoming or already there. I made him promise to stick this in your bag once you were already at the airport because I couldn't risk you reading it before you left. You're such a grumpy sap and I knew your goodbyes would be overwhelming enough._  **

 **_Anyways, it fucking sucks that I couldn't be there to say goodbye to you in person.  We can thank my "sick" grandmother in Alabama for that.  (Side note: She's not even sick.  She's just old and lonely as hell.  But sure, I'll spend two months reading you your Readers Digest subscriptions grandma)._**  

 **_[INSTERT THE PATENTED ISAK EYEROLL HERE]_ **  

      ** _I know that this feels like goodbye, and maybe it is for a while, but I promise it's not forever.  Maybe you'll never move back home, and while I'd miss you more than a white girl misses FRIENDS, I'd be fine with it if that's what makes you happy.  Because home is where you are. (Let me be corny)._  **

      **_All I want in this world is for us to fucking live,_ ** **_ya_ ** **_know?  I mean really live.  And this is your chance Is.  You get to live.  You get to get out of the confines of Calvary and taste what's out there.  Get drunk without feeling like you have to hide it.  Date a bunch of people without thinking you're supposed to intend to marry them. For Christ's sake Is, kiss some boys and feel good about it!  Just live._ **  

**_Anyway, I'm certain you're exhausted, and If I've played my cards right you are probably already crying. And honestly, I'm not even sorry.  (cos I'm a cold hearted bitch). J/K._  **

**_But seriously - I am._  **

**_Just remember that you don't have to have it all figured out right now.  Do what feels right at the moment.  And once you've settled somewhere let me know.  Jonas and I will be on the first flight to come visit you._**  

 

 **_Love, love, love you,_ **  

 **_Ollie_ **  

 

 **_P.s. I took the liberty of placing some photos of me in here.  Can't have you forgetting how gorgeous I am! <3_ ** 

 

He didn't even bother wiping the tears away, at this point they felt like a permanent fixture.  He sifted through the three pictures she had included. One was a selfie of her in her car.   

 

 _'_ _Gotta_ _catch the sun at that golden hour'_  she would always say.   

 

The second one was of her and him outside their favorite restaurant on the beach. They were both in their bathing suits and she was on his back, both of her arms in the air throwing up peace signs while Isak's face was scrunched up in laughter underneath her, arms tucked under her thighs trying to hold her up.  He remembers Jonas taking that picture reluctantly, with Ollie yelling at him to make sure he got the best angles for Instagram.   

 

And the last one was of all three of them curled up together on her bed.  It was the last night they all were together before she left for her grandmother's. 

 

> **_One week ago:_ **  
> 
> _"What is taking Jonas so long?" Ollie was sitting on her bed in front of him while he put two French braids in her hair._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Stop moving your head or these are going to come out crooked." He gently tugged at her hair, forcing her to face forward again.  "And if you wanted the popcorn and beer to be prompt, maybe you should have gone to the kitchen yourself instead of batting your eyes at Jonas and making him do it."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _She stilled at his words before mumbling and crossing her arms in front of her chest._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I didn't bat my eyes at him."  Honestly, she could be such a child sometimes._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Yes, you did.  And you did it knowing he wouldn't refuse you.  Honestly the back and forth pining and angst between you two is worse than a CW show.  The constant 'will they, wont they' is giving me whiplash."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _She sighed and dropped her head forward.  He stubbornly pulled back a little more harshly this time._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Head. Still."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I'm not pining.  I'm just - "_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"You're pining. It's fine really. I'm used to the weird and uncomfortable dynamics between the two of you.  It's been going on for years now. I just don't know why you two don’t do something about it already."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _She dropped her head forward again._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I swear to God Ollie, I am this close to making you braid your own hair. Keep. Your head. Still."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"No!" She was such a whiner. "You know I can't braid my own hair.  Plus, it feels so nice when someone else does it."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I still don't know how you can't manage a simple braid on your own.  Your middle name literally means_ 'Beautiful Hair Storm _'."  He took the comb that was next to his leg and pulled it through a small section of her locks._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I'm Native American Iss, not a fucking Disney princess. And not all of us have little sisters – or, ya know, any siblings at all." She was moving her arms around in front of her, as if to push her point further.  "Some of us are dark and twisty because our parents didn't think far enough ahead to provide us with sibling companionship."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"God, you are so melodramatic."  He tied off one braid and started sectioning off the other side._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"It's not like I don't want to do something about it." Her hand was covering her mouth and she was acting uncharacteristically shy._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Hmm?"  The comb was being held in his mouth while he tried to smooth down the top portion of her hair.  Her hair was straight and dark, but as thick as his sister's, so while it was a slight challenge to get it to behave, it was nothing he wasn't used to._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Jonas.  You said you don’t know why we don't do anything about it.  I'm saying it's not as if I don't want to. It's just - " she trailed off for a moment.  "It's just always bad timing, ya know?  School getting in the way or his internship. Me getting over myself and deciding if I would even be good enough for him.  I'm either dating someone or he's dating someone.  I mean he's dating Lizzy right now for Christ's sake - and she's a fucking pastor's kid.  There's no fucking competing with that."  Her shoulders slumped forward, but to her credit she kept her head in place._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak spit out the comb onto the bed._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"First of all, you ARE good enough. Too good honestly.  I mean, you're both my best friends but it would be hard for me to ever let you go and admit whether or not I think someone deserves you. And I feel the same way about Jonas.  So really as far as I'm concerned, the only people worthy of either of you is each other." He paused to make sure she was listening. "Second, he's only been dating her for like three weeks, and between you and me I think she strong armed him into a date and then he was too nice to let her know that he wasn't that interested."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak thought about that for a second.  He should probably address that with Jonas actually._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"And finally, what we are not gonna do is pit women against women. There is no competing.  This isn't a competition.  But if it was," He lowered his voice just slightly, "You are far more interesting than she is.  Hands down, you'd win the competition."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _He could see her slowly smile through the mirror on the wall across from her bed._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"What competition?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Good girl." He went back to working on her hair, having temporarily stopped while he was on his soapbox._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"If I'm so wonderful and interesting, how come you never tried dating me?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"That's easy – I can't handle you." He deadpanned without even looking up._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"What?! Are you saying I’m too much woman for you? There's no way that can be true, not coming from your family."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Lord knows that's the truth." Isak grumbled._  
> 
>  
> 
> _He tied off the last braid and patted her shoulders.  "All done."  He tossed the comb onto her nightstand and laid back into the pillows._  
> 
>  
> 
> _She made her way to the headboard next to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "It's too bad really.  We're both so good looking, seems like such a waste of two beautiful people, ya know?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak rolled his eyes and pushed at her slightly.  "And so humble too."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _She pushed back indignantly. "Come on Iss, you know it's true.  Look at you.  You're tall with the most breathtaking eyes I've ever seen.  Honestly, sometimes I don't think you appreciate how green they are." She put her head back on his shoulder and carried on.  "And you have abs for Christ's sake – and you don't even try.  It's not fair."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"The tone of this conversation is confusing me.  Should I be apologizing?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"No.  It's all for the best really.  I don't think I could be friends with unattractive people anyway.  Also, you're welcome that I'm so hot too."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Thank you?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak loved Ollie almost as much as he loved his sisters.  Some days he couldn’t piece apart the difference in his affection for his best friends and his sisters – the love just ran so deep.  A lot of people didn't get Ollie; they found her boldness intimidating or brash, and really that was their loss.  Because while she could be quite blunt, and admittedly her brain to mouth filter could use some work, she had one of the biggest hearts a human could contain._  
> 
>  
> 
> _What some people didn't take the time to see was how when she walked into a room and instantly became the life of the party, she would always be sure to strike up a conversation with the people she knew were too uncomfortable to speak to anyone else.  People missed how much she cared for the marginalized and unseen because they just thought she was too loud. They saw her loyalty as something threatening and drew back in fear, not taking the time to see that she was more of a lover, not a fighter._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak admired her for the complexities that made her who she was._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Jonas is Latin too, though." She brought him out of his thoughts._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Umm...?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I'm just saying – Jonas is Latin too, right?_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Where was this going?_  
> 
>  
> 
> _He crossed his legs out in front of him, careful not to disrupt her head with his movements._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Yeah Ollie. Jonas is Latin.  So what?" He looked down at her but her eyes remained fixed on his lap._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"So, based purely on stereotypes, I'm not too much woman for him, right?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Oh._  
> 
>  
> 
> _He lifted his arm to put around her shoulders._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"No. Not even close. The Vasquez's are definitely a big personality family. You'd barely make an impression.” He paused, and then added, “I mean, if we're basing this purely off of stereotypes."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _“Of course.”_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Right."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak looked down to find her brows knit together in deep thought._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"You're thinking too loud.  Spill it."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _She looked over at him, "It's just – he's South American...?" She dragged out the last word as she asked it._  
> 
>  
> 
> _She was going to leave him dizzy if she kept doing these 180's in the conversation._  
> 
>  
> 
> _But actually, what was the answer to that question? Yes? What was Jonas's ethnicity?  They had definitely gone over this before._  
> 
>  
> 
> _They blinked at each other for a moment before he replied._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"He deserves better friends than us."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Oh, a hundred percent. Without a doubt.  We’re terrible."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Who's terrible?"  Jonas appeared in the doorway, bowl of popcorn in one hand and six pack of Stella Artois in the other. Isak sat up to grab the beverages from him and set them on the nightstand, grabbing one for himself and Ollie._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"What took you so long?" Ollie ignored his question completely and went straight back to being a brat._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Jonas crawled onto the enormous bed with them, laying his head in Isak's lap and placing the bowl of popcorn in Ollie's.  And this was Isak's favorite thing. Cuddling.  Maybe it was because he was the oldest sibling and he was wired to be physically affectionate, but it didn't matter because his friends were too.  All of their friends were tactile like this really.  No one cared about male bravado or what was deemed too inappropriate.  When it came to hugs and cuddles, they were always given freely.  He was going to miss this the most.  Leaving home was already hard, but not knowing what kind of people you would meet on your journey and whether or not they would accept you the way you were was a daunting thought._  
> 
>  
> 
> _It's different when you meet as kids, you just go with the flow and things always seem to settle in place.  But as an adult, making a new life for yourself was scary.  Everyone was already set in their ways and it was easy to see how it could be irritating to try and fit someone new and different into the comfortable life you've built for yourself.  So, Isak was just going to have to be okay with the fact that he may end up surrounding himself with people less tactile then what he was used to.  Then what he wanted._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Did it matter really if he had to hide that part of him? Hiding parts of himself was something he was beginning to be an expert at anyway._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Well I burned the first bag of popcorn completely." Jonas said looking over at Ollie as he reached into the bowl to answer her question._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"And then I had to take out all of the un-popped kernels for you because you always end up biting down on one, and I swear to god one of these days you're going to chip a tooth Ollie." Isak could see her blushing over his attention towards her._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"And then it took me forever to find the stupid organic butter you insist on using.  It was hiding behind the eggs by the way."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak rolled his eyes.  "I think I'm gonna throw up."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Ollie elbowed him in his side and shot him down with a paralyzing glare._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Too soon to joke about that.  Noted._  
> 
>  
> 
> _They sat there in a comfortable silence for a while.  Isak sipping from his beer, Ollie aimlessly playing with Jonas's hair, and Jonas humming in appreciation while he shoveled popcorn into his mouth. This was their last night together before he left.  Tomorrow afternoon, Ollie would make the drive to her grandmothers to help her out for a couple of months, and in a week he would be flying away from all of this._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"You're thinking too loud." Jonas spoke up not looking at either one of them._  
> 
>  
> 
> _That was there thing.  When it was glaringly obvious that someone had something to say but wasn't spilling it out they always said "You’re thinking too loud'.  It was actually pretty effective and therapeutic._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I think everyone is gay." And well, leave it up to Ollie._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I'm going to need more explanation than that, because last time I checked I was very straight."  And was that really true?  Ugh, not now Isak._  
> 
>  
> 
> _She stopped raking her hand through Jonas's hair and turned to look Isak right in the eye.  Jonas took his hand out of the bowl of popcorn to grab her wrist and put her hand back in his curls. She continued her ministrations but didn’t look away from Isak._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"But are you really?" And wait – what? What was she implying?  Did she know what he had done?  How did she fucking know?_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak's mouth hung open when he finally realized she was waiting for an answer._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Are you?"  Deflection.  Deflection was always a great go-to tool to pair with denial.  But was it denial?  Again, not now Isak._  
> 
>  
> 
> _She sighed and leaned back against the headboard.  "I don't know.  I mean I've kissed girls, and I've enjoyed it.  I guess I just love everyone and don’t really feel like I should have to think too hard on what that means.  If it feels right, then just do it.  Ya know?  And if I feel that way, then I can't really claim to be straight, now can I?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Yeah, I get that." Jonas again.  And what?  "I mean can I be straight and still find other men attractive?  Sure. Miss me with that heteronormativity bullshit.  But if I've already come to terms with the fact that I don't think being gay is the abominable act we've been taught our whole lives, then what else could I be wrong about?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> Ok, so one point to the homeschooler. 
> 
>  
> 
> _But this was not how Isak saw this evening going. What should he add to this conversation?  Like Jonas said, he didn't believe being gay was a sin.  The three of them left that notion behind a while ago, even if Isak had to be a little quieter about it.  But that didn't mean Isak was gay.  He dated girls.  Had kissed and touched girls.  He even thought at one time he would marry his ex, Jasmine.  And yeah, there was that time he flirted with a married man and allowed it to go further than he had ever planned, but that was because he got carried away.  It was a perverted joke that went too far. And he couldn't even remember if he enjoyed it.  Because what would it mean if he enjoyed being with a married man?  That was the lowest you could get really.  How gross did that make him?  So, if he admitted he was gay, (which he absolutely was not), then that was admitting to enjoying being a homewrecker.  And if he admitted that, then he may as well write his own one-way ticket to hell now._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Ollie broke the silence again._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Whatever.  I just get stuck in my thoughts sometimes. Forget it."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _And well, he didn't want to leave it like that.  He didn't want her feeling invalidated or embarrassed, so -_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"No I get it.  Well actually, no I don't, but that's just because I haven't given it much thought personally." Lie. "But honestly, making yourself uncomfortable just to fit a preconceived notion of what you thought you were supposed to be Isn't healthy either.  So, if that means you’re a little gay, then fuck it – you're a little gay." He waved his beer around trying to convey his enthusiasm and not think too hard on how he should apply his own advice to himself._  
> 
>  
> 
> _And would that be such a bad idea?  Was Isak gay?  No.  At least, probably not.  But these were his best friends.  The two people in the world who knew him better than he knew himself most days.  They knew about Tony and how abusive he could be.  They knew h_
> 
> __
> 
>  
> 
> __
> 
> _So, maybe he could let them in on what was battling inside him.  Hell, maybe it was just some stupid phase you go through when you're beginning to question your own personal beliefs and this was all going to pass.  They probably dealt with it themselves – so really, they were the best ears to lay it on._  
> 
> __
> 
>  
> 
> __
> 
> _He just needed to do it.  Get it over with already.  Open his mouth and let sound flow out._  
> 
> __
> 
>  
> 
> __
> 
> _And then, like the whirlwind of a human that she was, Ollie suddenly bounded out of bed towards her desk to grab her phone.  Leaving Jonas pouting like the lovesick fool he was._  
> 
> __
> 
>  
> 
> __
> 
> _God, these two._  
> 
> __
> 
>  
> 
> __
> 
> _"We need to take pictures." She jumped back on the bed, pulling Jonas up and wedging herself between the two men.  They never moved from those positions afterwards and no one added anything further to the conversation they had just been having._  
> 
> __
> 
>  
> 
> __
> 
> _Instead, they put on some re-run of The Office until they fell asleep one by one._  

__

 

__

**_Now_ **  

__

Isak took the three pictures and placed them on the windowsill above his bed, tucking the folded letter behind it.  Too tired to change into sweats, he shed his outer layers, crawled under the covers, and as predicted, cried himself to sleep. 

__

 

__

<><><> 

__

 

__

Isak slowly opened his eyes, regretting it the instant he did.  He had a splitting headache and felt nauseous – all the signs of a bad hangover, but he hadn't had anything to drink last night.  He rolled over onto his back and placed his arms over his eyes to block the light streaming from his window, groaning as the shift suddenly made his stomach turn.  Reaching under his pillow, he grabbed his phone from where it was plugged-in to check the time.  6:53 am.  Nearly 9 o'clock back home. 

__

 

__

The door to his room suddenly opened and he watched as Even walked in, a green canvas bag tucked under his arm.  He was in a pair of joggers and a white t-shirt – hair still mussed from sleep. He looked – soft. 

__

 

__

"Good morning!" He looked over at Isak as he sat on his bed, back to the wall and smiled as bright as the damn sun.   

__

 

__

Ugh. 

__

 

__

Not really caring what kind of impression he was making at this point, Isak slowly sat up and said, "You're too loud. Are you a morning person? Is this going to be a thing?" 

__

 

__

Even laughed and spoke a little more softly this time. "How're you feeling?" 

__

 

__

Rubbing the spot above his left eye where his head seemed to throb the most, he squinted over at Even. "Like I was at a rave with Kylie Minogue." 

__

 

__

Tilting his head and looking even more soft, Even replied "Altitude Sickness. It's a bitch.  I told you to drink water."   

__

 

__

Right. Altitude Sickness was definitely something he read about in one of the dozens of attachments sent to him from the HR Director.   

__

 

__

"Don't worry, it should subside in a few days." Even reached under his bed and dragged out a large case of bottled water.  He pulled one out of the plastic packaging and tossed it to Isak, watching as it landed on the bed next to his leg. 

__

 

__

"Drink that now and be sure to have several more throughout the day.  I'll leave this out for you." He gestured to the pack of water that now lay on the throw rug beside his bed. 

__

 

__

He lifted up the thrown bottle, opening it carefully and taking a small sip before setting it down on the nightstand next to him. 

__

 

__

"All of it." He glanced over to Even who was looking straight at him, face stern but humor in his eyes. "I'm serious.  Drink the entire bottle now.  You'll be thanking me when you don't have to clean blood out of your pillowcases from overnight nose bleeds." 

__

 

__

Isak's hand suddenly shot to his nose and he looked behind him at his pillows.  Sure enough, there were several dried brown spots covering the piece of linen – a definite sign of a nose bleed.  

__

 

__

He reached for the bottle and rolled his eyes as he lifted it to his mouth and began drinking.  He looked over at Even who continued his gaze and didn't remove his eyes from him even once as he gulped down the water.  In fact, his eyebrows were raised a bit, in silent challenge.  It reminded Isak of the way his mother looked when she knew she was right. 

__

 

__

When he drained the bottle of every last drop, he replaced the lid and muttered a barely there "Thank you" to Even who just laughed and said, "You are such a grump.  This is going to be so much fun." 

__

 

__

Isak picked the bottle back up and chucked it across the room over at Even, who easily dodged it and laughed louder, eyes disappearing into crinkles as he did. 

__

 

__

"Yeah.  You're are definitely going to be a lot of fun." 

__

 

__

Isak rolled his eyes and laid his head back down, overwhelmed at the idea of feeling like this for a few more days.  And then suddenly he was aware of his need for a shower.  He had been in and out of public areas all day yesterday and the thought of steam and soap was suddenly the most enticing thing he could think of.  Realizing there was no door leading to a bathroom in their room he glanced over at Even. 

__

 

__

"Um, where are the showers?"  

__

 

__

Even, who had begun swiping around on his phone, looked up suddenly, eyes opened wide and comically. 

__

 

__

"Shit.  I'm so sorry I didn't tell you yesterday.  There is one directly in front of our door across the hall."  He started making his way off the bed as if to bring Isak there himself. 

__

 

__

"No worries.” He held up a hand to stop Even from getting up. “Honestly, I was a little caught up in my head yesterday.  I didn't even think to ask."  He slowly eased his body off the bed, shamelessly wincing at how sore his muscles were, and made his way to the wardrobe where he had a towel and shower caddy filled with toiletries.  He grabbed what he needed, slipped on a pair of sliders, and quietly padded his way out of the room. 

__

 

__

The bathroom was large, clean, and more importantly – there was no shortage of hot water.  He let himself stand under the harsh pressure of the water as the heat eased the tension that had built up from the previous days stress.   

__

 

__

Today was his last day to relax before he started training and work tomorrow so he decided he would be sure to Facetime with both his sisters at some point.  He also still hadn't spoken with Krista yet and he wasn't any closer to feeling better about that idea than he was yesterday.  That made him think of Jonas and Ollie.  If this was going to start leaking out he didn't want them finding out from anyone else either.  It was only a matter of time before this whole thing blew up, and while he couldn't prevent it from happening, he knew that he could get ahead of it when it came to the people he loved.  He owed them this. They deserved that from him.  He was the fuck up, after all. He was the one who made the decision to engage in sin - marking himself as filthy, defiled, and unworthy in the process.   

__

 

__

The thoughts started overwhelming him and he could feel his heart rate speeding up and chest tightening.  His head was still spinning and his stomach hadn't quite settled from this morning either.  He needed to get a hold of himself before he lost control completely.  He concentrated on his breaths and focused on the sound of the shower stream – trying his best to relax while he rested his head forward on the shower stall. Twenty minutes later he shut the water off and dried up, wrapping the towel around his waist and making his way back to his room. 

__

 

__

Even was where he had left him sitting on his bed, swiping through his phone, but he had changed his clothes into a pair of dark skinny jeans and a plain grey t-shirt.  Isak quickly slid on a pair of briefs while still wearing his towel and then removed it from his hips to hang on a hook so it could dry.  He grabbed his favorite white baseball t-shirt with the navy blue sleeves and pulled that over his head while turning around to face Even. 

__

 

__

"So where does one go for a meal around here?" He asked as he finished yanking the shirt over his head and tugged it down his torso in order to look up at his roommate - who was already staring at him.  Or more accurately, staring at his chest?   

__

 

__

Modesty wasn't something Isak was afflicted with.  He was constantly changing in front of his friends or living at the beach and pool shirtless in his bathing suit - but he knows not everyone found themselves as comfortable in similar situations.  And if the still form of Even sitting on his bed, phone lying flat in his palm, and eyes still on Isak was anything to go by, he was guessing his roommate wasn't comfortable with it either.  He would make sure to make a better effort moving forward.   

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He quickly pulled on a pair of tight jeans, (well, all his jeans were tight. He could thank his Latin family for his very Latin ass), then went to his dresser to grab some hair product and moved to the mirror on his wardrobe door to try and tame his curls as much as possible.   

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Really, it was a lost cause.   

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"Hey Even." He tried again and saw through the mirror as he looked up and met his gaze in answer. "I was just wondering where I could go and get some breakfast. 

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That seemed to snap him out of it and he scooted to the edge of his bed searching for his shoes. 

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"Right!  Actually, I was planning on bringing you to breakfast myself. It can be a bit overwhelming around here on the weekend.” 

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Isak walked back to his dresser to grab his watch.  It belonged to his father and it didn't work anymore but he still wore it every day.  He felt better.  Yeah, he was still a little queasy and his headache was still a faint throb above his eye, but the nerves that had accompanied the stress from yesterday seemed to have melted away.  Honestly, it's amazing what a shower can do.   

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He grabbed his phone, wallet, and keys, turned around to face Even and with the confidence he was lacking yesterday he said, "Lead the way." 

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Even, who was already standing, smiled brightly and held the door open waiting for Isak to step out, before locking the door behind them and following close behind. 

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<><><> 

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"This is the Employee Dining Room, or as everyone else calls it – The EDR."  Even gestured widely to the building they had just entered.  It was a short walk from their room.  They took a trail that started in front of the common room and wound through some shallow woods to get here. There was absolutely no incline, but by the time they reached their destination, Isak was out of breath yet again. Even looked annoyingly smug as he pulled out a bottle of water from his backpack and shoved it into Isak's hand before walking into the building. He opened it and immediately started chugging while letting his gaze wander the open room. From the outside it looked like an old large log cabin, but inside was a modern looking cafeteria that reminded Isak of the dining area in an Ikea.   

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The entire room had lofty cathedral ceilings that led to exposed beams and had floor to ceiling windows on three sides that looked out over the valley.  It was large and airy and instantly made you want to take a deep breath in.  There was a low rumble of chatter as other employees enjoyed their morning and talked amongst themselves.  Some socializing with friends, while others sipped their coffee and just enjoyed the view. 

__

 

__

 Isak loved it. 

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They got into a short line where a security guard was standing next to a large stack of trays and plates.  Even had him sign in on a clipboard, explaining that once he got his work photo ID he would use that card to swipe in for every meal.   

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As he made his way through the line and stood in front of the spread of food, he found that it was all actually quite impressive and not the gross pre-frozen fare he was expecting.  They had eggs to order and there was an abundance of fresh fruit and baked goods that extended out over a buffet.  Isak asked for a mushroom and cheese omelette and grabbed a banana muffin as well as a coffee while he waited for his eggs to be prepared. He had just finished pumping in some Hazelnut syrup into his cup when one of the cooks brought his omelette to him where he was standing against the coffee station.  Placing his items on his tray, he looked up to find Even sitting at a booth in front of the window all the way in the back corner waving him over. 

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He placed his tray on the table and slid into the booth so he was as close to the window as possible.  This view alone could possibly make Isak a morning person. 

__

 

__

Maybe. 

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Probably not, though. 

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They spent their breakfast in and out of companionable silence, with Even breaking in every now and then to point out some wildlife through the window and follow it up with an interesting piece of trivia.  Isak himself was someone who  _knew_   _a little about a lot_ , so he really appreciated all the random tidbits of information being thrown at him.  It was fascinating to watch the different pieces of Mother Nature around him as well.  At home it was common to be swimming alongside bottle nosed dolphins when at the beach, or kayaking with manatees on the rivers and springs.  And while he would never tire of seeing a white egret walk beside him while he got his mail in the afternoon, it was still something else entirely to be immersed in another ecosystem.   

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__

While Even was going on about the Red Tailed Hawk that had landed in a tree not far from their view, someone scooted into the bench next to Isak, immediately filling his personal space and not seeming to care one way or the other if it was a socially acceptable thing to do.  

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Isak's head snapped around to find a dark haired man sitting next to him.  His hair was so black it almost seemed blue, and long enough to fall over his eyes - which Isak noticed were very green.  Greener than his. Ollie would love them. 

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"Dude, I came to warn you that the Anderson twins just walked in and they both had their hungry wandering eyes on."  The guy was leaning forward towards Even and dramatically stage whispering this information to him.  Even, on the other hand, seemed amused and not at all moved by the worrisome tone this guy carried. 

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"Matthew, this is Isak my roommate and one of the lead servers for The Ranch House.  Isak, this is Matthew.  He works over at the marina leading a lot of the lake tours." Matthew turned to face Isak, as if he had just noticed him, and stuck out his hand to shake. 

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"Hey man, welcome to Colter Bay. But just call me Matty.  Evens's the only person here who seems to avoid nicknames at all cost."  He smiled warmly and seemed like the kind of guy that got along with everyone immediately.  As Isak took his hand, he decided that he already liked him.  

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"If you're given a name, you should use it.  Why bother with anything else?" Even said, responding to Matty's introduction.  

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__

Matty grunted to what seemed like an old argument and then turned back to Even when he remembered that he had a mission to complete. 

__

 

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"Listen man, as your best friend -" 

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"I met you a week ago." Even interrupted 

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Ignoring him completely, Matty continued 

__

 

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"As your best friend, it is my duty to inform you of the unwanted attention that is the Anderson twins.  You can act annoyed now, but one day I won't be around to get you out of having to endure the two of them." 

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__

Even sipped his water and raised his eyebrows at Isak who was still sipping his coffee, as if to remind him he should be drinking water as well.  Isak let out an exasperated breath and turned to Matty. "Who are the Anderson twins?" 

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"Don't ask"  

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"I'm glad you asked!" 

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They both answered at the same time.  Matty seeming more than eager to give him the explanation he asked for.   

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"Clara and Wyatt are two super-hot, super-arrogant twins that have both decided to set their sights and affection on our man Even here. And honestly, who wouldn't?  Look at the guy." 

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__

"Matthew - " 

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__

"Oh shush." He waved Even off.  "You are a god amongst mortals.  Even if we weren't all entranced by those crystal blue eyes and pillowy lips – your hair alone is enough to keep everyone coming back." 

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__

Isak could see his point.  Even's hair seemed to defy gravity with the way it was held in a James Dean style quiff.  Isak should ask him what he uses, maybe get his wavy mess of hair to behave for once.   

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__

Maybe. 

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Probably not though.  

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"And how tall are you? Is it fair to have that many attractive attributes going for you?" 

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Even was leaning back in his seat now, still sipping on his water, taking in Matty's words with an amused expression on his face, shaking his head as he continued to silently drink. 

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__

Matty turned back to Isak and continued his previous explanation. 

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__

"So really it's no wonder he has the twins fighting over him.  And while I don't see the problem with a good old-fashioned summer fling, in fact – I recommend it, Even seems completely uninterested with the concept.  And as his best friend - " He holds up a hand to stop Even before he tries to interrupt him again, "I will honor his wishes, even if I think they're dumb and stupid and dumb." 

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"You said dumb twice." Even says with absolutely no conviction in his voice. 

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__

"So," Isak begins once he's taken in all of this information, and there was quite a bit of it.  It was like listening to Ollie. "You literally have a set of twins fawning over you and you've been here for just over a week?  That's impressive Even."  Isak shakes his shoulders in silent laughter as he sees Even pierce him with a look that seems to say,  _Et_ _tu_ _Brute?_  

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"Thank you Isak! It  _is_  impressive." Matty slams his hand down on the table as if it makes his point clearer.  "And honestly, it's such a waste of a Pan-man.  I mean you really should take advantage of what the universe is offering you.  Especially with Wyatt.  If he looked at me with those bedroom eyes, lord knows I'd let him bend me over in a second and -" 

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"Alright Matthew." Even interrupts him with a bark of laughter. "We get it.  You're super gay and Wyatt is super hot and your body super wants him." He uses air quotes every time he says the word  _super_. 

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__

"Uh, he is super hot.  How dare you?" He pouts a little and slumps down into the booth.   

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Isak takes this moment to ask, "So, what is Pan-man?"  Referring to Matty's description of Even earlier. 

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"He's just saying that since I'm pansexual, he feels as if it's a waste to not hook up with every person who offers up their body. Which is a gross misrepresentation of pan people, by the way." He spears Matty with a hard look. 

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"If the shoe fits." Matty mumbles. 

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So, Even's pansexual, Matty's gay, and the Anderson twins seem to just go with the flow and do whatever seems sex positive to them.   

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_Is anyone straight?_    

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He knew it wasn't right, but Isak always just assumed people he met were straight unless they said otherwise.  There is no reason that straight should be the default set in his mind, but he had too many years of his life where that was exactly what was fed into him.  And while he  _knew_  there were a lot of people out there that fell under  the LGBTQ umbrella, he was always surrounded by people that went to his church – therefore the common and expected assumption was that they were all straight.  And now he's sitting at breakfast with his first two friends, and neither of them seem to even want to claim heterosexual as a label.  It wasn’t bad, and honestly it didn't change how fond he already was of both of these guys.  it was just different, that's all.   

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He needed to stop thinking so much.  

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Still feeling the remnants of a headache made Isak remember that he should probably still be hydrating himself.  He looked over at Even, who he knew was going to enjoy what he was about to say, and asked, "So what are the chances you have an extra bottle of water in that backpack of yours?" 

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To his credit, Even didn't say anything, just smiled as he handed him another bottle from his bag.  

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"You know, I think I may be mistaken."  Matty was sitting forward again and fixing his eyes back on Isak.  "I don't think Even is the hottest guy here anymore." He let his eyes travel up and down Isak’s body, landing back on his mouth as he brought the bottle of water to his lips.  

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Isak choked mid-swallow when he caught the meaning of what Matty was suggesting. 

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"Actually, I  _know_  he isn't the hottest guy here anymore.” He leaned against the table, eyes never leaving Isak as he said, “Even, have you really taken a look at your roommate? I mean,  _damn._ " 

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Isak looked over at Even for help, unsure of how to respond to the brazen attitude Matty had thrown at him. 

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Even just shook his head at his friend, "Matthew, stop flirting with Isak. Isak, just ignore him – unless it really bothers you.  Then you tell him, cos no means no.  Right Matthew?" 

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Matty turned to face Even again, palms in the air in surrender. "Right.  Jesus Christ.  I won't bother him."  He stopped to think and then, "Not that it will matter anyway.  As soon as Wyatt sees him he'll either leave you alone completely Even, or he'll be just jealous enough to hate our baby Isak here and give him a hard time this summer." 

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Isak snorted at that, "Um, I can handle myself."  Honestly, he didn't like the idea of having to deal with confrontation this early on, but if it came down to it, he really could handle it.   

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"Oh baby, I'm sure you can." Matty’s voice was a low hum.  

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"Matthew!" 

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"Ok, ok! I'm done this time.  I swear." 

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Matty got up from the booth and turned toward them both.  

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"Isak, it was wonderful meeting you.  I apologize for my flirtatious ways. Kind of." He put his hand over his heart in emphasis. "You should come out tomorrow night and  join us all for the campfire over by the lake. It’s a tradition around here. Everyone gets drunk the first official day of the summer season.”  

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"Yeah man, that sounds great." Isak smiled at his new friend. "And don't worry about it.  I'm flattered really.  I mean, I'm straight, but I'm still flattered." 

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Matty tilted his head to the side and eyed Isak up and down in question, "Of course you are baby."  

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He faced Even.  "Bye best friend." And before Even could respond he turned away and was making his way out of the building leaving Isak in a stunned silence.  All he kept thinking was that if Matty and Ollie ever met, there would be no survivors left in their wake. 

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"He's a lot to take in but he's harmless and has the biggest heart." Even was looking over at the space Matty had just left.  "Honestly, I couldn't think of anyone better to want on your side."  He started to pick up his trash and began stacking everything on his tray. 

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Isak followed suit and began cleaning up his area of all of his dishes as well.  

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"I like him.  Actually, he reminds me of one of my best friends from back home.  It's nice."  They both slid out of the booth and started making their way towards the exit.  

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"I'm not sure what you wanted to do today, but I thought I could give you a full tour of Colter Bay and the other areas of the park.  We should probably get you over to the lodge at  _Jackson Lake_  so you can pick up your uniform anyway." 

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Isak had already planned on doing some exploring.  Having Even to play tour guide sounded more appealing.  

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"Yeah, that would be great.  Thanks man." 

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They had emptied their trash and placed their dishes in a bin and were making their way back outside.  It was starting to warm up, and the slight dry breeze felt incredible.  A stark contrast to the hot humid air back home. Isak wanted to stay outside all day.   

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As they walked back on the trail that led to the village, something suddenly occurred to him. 

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"So how does it work around here?  Do you get assigned some sort of buddy when you arrive and they play tour guide for you?  Or is that just for people like me who didn't bring a car with them?" 

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Even stuffed his hands in his pants pockets and looked over at Isak, eyebrows raised.  He was starting to realize Even expressed more with his eyebrows than his mouth at this point. 

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"Shit.  That sounded really ungrateful.  That's not what I meant at all." Isak started fumbling over his words. "I guess, I just feel bad having you take care of everything so far.  I know there's a shuttle system here to get me where I need to be if It's not within walking distance.  And I have schedules and maps that were sent to me as well.  I mean, I know I was a little out of it yesterday, but i'm actually pretty assertive and self-sufficient.  I don't want to give you the idea that I'm not capable of figuring this stuff out." Isak was rambling, but he was desperate.  Nervous that he offended the guy who gave him extra hangers and made sure he was staying hydrated.  Isak had no friends here.  No connections whatsoever, and he didn't want to lose the one he seemed to develop so quickly. 

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Even stayed silent as they walked the trail back.  Isak thought he blew it royally, but then Even finally spoke. 

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"You're not a bother Isak." He kept looking straight ahead. 

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"First days in new places are always hard - no matter how well you can handle yourself." He smiled at himself, seemingly pleased with the call back to Isak's earlier claim at breakfast. "Anyway, if you'd rather explore on your own, just tell me.  I can respect that." 

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"No." Isak rushed the word out before he could even think about it. "Honestly, I'm glad for it. And you seem like an alright guy – even if you do nag about the water."  

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"Nag?" Even mocked offense.  "Tell me Isak, how's your headache doing?" 

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It was gone actually.  Ugh, this guy. 

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"Yeah, that's what I thought."  Satisfied with himself he nudged Isak's shoulder with his and picked up his pace.  "Come on, let's get out of here before the twins spot us. Don't want them to spontaneously combust with our combined beauty." 

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And with that, they quickly made their way to the parking lot and jumped into Evens car, laughing as he sped out of the village. 

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<><><> 

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After shutting down his laptop and making sure it was plugged in to charge for the night, Isak got up from the desk and made his way to his dresser to change into a pair of joggers.  He had just finished Facetiming with both of his sisters and still couldn't find it in him to tell Krista what he had done.  Telling Nicole had been difficult enough, but telling Krista was bringing on a whole different level of dread and panic.  She was his baby sister.  The one who looked up to him and admired and wanted to be like him.  She always put all of her trust in her brother, and having to let her down by informing her that everything she ever believed about him was a lie – that not only had he done something that would cause him to live his life in shame, but also bring unjust heartache to her – it was too agonizing.   

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And honestly, he was tired.  Today had been filled with a constant stream of new information.  Even had driven him around the entire national park, giving him a thorough tour of  _Colter Bay_ , the area they lived and worked, showed him a shortcut to get to the restaurant in the morning, and walked with him to the general store so he could pick up most of the items on his list and helped him carry it all back to their room. He ended the evening playing cards with a bunch of the wranglers in the common room before heading upstairs to call his sisters.  It had been a productive and exhausting day.  

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Not bothering with a shirt, he climbed onto the bed and grabbed his phone to go through some of the photo's he had taken today. In the middle of trying to upload a few to Instagram, a message notification dropped down from the top of the screen. 

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**____________________**  

__

**Los Losers**  

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**Ollie:**  Isaaaaakkkkkkk!!!!!! 

Where are you?  Are you alive?  Are you dead? 

Isaaaaaakkkkkkk!!!!! 

Umm, I'm alive? 

 **Jonas:** She's just upset because it's been almost 24 hours since you last text her. She's got some major separation anxiety. 

 **Ollie:** Whatever.  I'm just the better friend.  
Take your hate elsewhere Vasquez. 

 **Jonas:** While I've got you both here...  
I broke up with Lizzy this afternoon. 

Color me surprised 

 **Ollie:**  I'm so sorry? 

What happened? You finally tell her that you actually didn't enjoy your first date?  
Or was it because she always wore too much of that gross perfume? 

 **Jonas:** Nah. But dude, that perfume was the worst. 

The absolute worst. 

 **Jonas:** Her dad pulled me into his office after church today  
and told me that while I was dating her I wasn't  
allowed to be in contact with you anymore. 

 **Ollie:** What the actual fuck?! 

In what world does he get to dictate who your friends are? 

 **Jonas:** Lol.  I know.  It was bizarre as hell.  
Whatever, it gave me the excuse I needed. 

 **Ollie:** Should've had the balls to do it without her father's weird meddling, Vasquez. 

 **Jonas:** Stop calling me Vasquez. 

Iss, are you like a secret ex of hers or something? Lol.  
You could've just said something. I wouldn't have cared.  
He tried to tell me my relationship with the Lord would suffer. 

 **Ollie:** This is pissing me off the more you say. 

Those manipulative assholes.  
Honestly you need to leave that place.  it's toxic as hell 

 **Jonas:**  Iss? 

No.   

 **Jonas:** No, what? 

I need to tell you both something.

 **Ollie:** …? 

 **Jonas:** ok  

I hooked up with Jason a few months ago.  
It went on for a while until I couldn't take the guilt anymore  
and had to end it. I confided in Chris and Anna, and on the  
day I flew out here I got a message saying that he confronted  
Jason about it.

Nicole knows, I told her during my layover.  
But Krista doesn't know yet. If her father cornered you, then it's cos  
it's starting to leak.

I'm so sorry guys.

 **Jonas:** whoa.  That is not how I saw this playing out.  
Are you ok? 

 **Ollie:**  You have NOTHING to be sorry about.  
Also, what Vasques said. 

It's been overwhelming.  I'm worried about Krista.  
And I know what the church is capable of.  
What Jason and his family are capable of. 

**Ollie:** They can really and truly go and fuck themselves. 

Iss, I am so fucking sorry you are dealing with this alone.  
I'm even more sorry you were put in a place where  
you thought you couldn't tell us. 

 **Jonas:** What Olive said. 

 **Ollie:** Watch it, Vasquez. 

Listen, I'm not gay.  Ok?  
I just fucked up and made a stupid choice. 

I'm not gay. 

 **Ollie:** ok. 

 **Jonas:** ok.  
But if you were, that would be chill too. 

I'm pretty tired actually.  I had a full day and I start work tomorrow.  
So I'm gonna go. Can we talk more tomorrow

 **Ollie:** Absolutely! 

 **Jonas:** We'll talk tomorrow.  
Love you Iss.  
<3 <3 <3 

 **Ollie:** <3 <3 <3 

Love you losers. 

<3 

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**____________________**

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Tumblr:**   
>  [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You end up finding out that you are capable of much more than you realize when you push yourself." He studied him a second longer before looking up at the ceiling.  "Besides, a broken heart seemed a small price to pay to be able to provide these kids with a home and love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter killed me at 13.5k - but it was the most important one I've written so far.  
> VERY IMPORTANT TRIGGER WARNING: Scene detailing a panic attack and another that details non-consensual sexual content.
> 
> This being my first fic, I never truly understood how important your relationship with you Beta. Jamz24 has been pivotal in not only assisting with the logistical edits for this story - but also being such a wonderful fan-girl. I love her and this community so much.

 

Isak makes his way through the saloon style doors of the restaurant that lead to the kitchen, waving to the head chef Ramone as he continues on to the staff locker room. It was a grueling day of training filled with policies, procedures, and countless other pieces of information he was still trying to retain to his memory.  The day had been split into three separate slots of time in order to give the four lead servers extra isolated training on their roles as supervisors, and he was grateful for that small amount of seclusion.  

Pushing through the door to the locker room, he headed to the back corner where he had locked his things earlier.  Twisting in the combination and swinging the door open, he hung up the extra uniform he had been issued that day, along with his gold mirrored name badge which had  _United States of America_  printed underneath it.  As he was finding out, people from all over the world came here to work seasonally, and as such it was the resorts proud way of displaying the diversity of their employees to all of the guests that would be staying there this summer.  Isak had already met some of his coworkers who were from Russia, Jamaica, and Egypt.  It was a far cry from the suburban white town he grew up in – and he loved it.

The more comparisons he began to make from where he was now and where he had come from, the more exhilarated he was becoming.  From the obvious diverseness to the impartiality and tolerance everyone seemed to exude, it provided Isak with a freedom and liberation he had yet to truly experience in his 23 years.  It was a heady feeling and he was already addicted.  The strain he had carried with him upon his arrival here just two days prior was beginning to seep out, replaced with the excitement and anticipation that came with the notion that life was giving him a second chance.  A new beginning.

Nobody knew him here.  He wasn't known as _that g_ _uy that worked at that one church._   If he wanted to have a few drinks out at a bar, he didn't have to drive a couple hours away where he wouldn't be recognized by one of his students' parents or a pastor's wife.  He didn't feel as if he had to police his mouth out in public, lest someone accidentally hear him curse.  And he didn't have the gut wrenching feeling that everyone around him was silently condemning him for daring to allow his thoughts to wander towards the notion that maybe the God that he had been taught about his whole life wasn't what he had been lead to believe.  Because if Isak was being honest with himself, that God was becoming more of a question mark and less of a certainty. 

Isak could breathe for the first time in his life.  And he didn't even realize he hadn't been.

He shut the door to his locker just as he heard someone come in behind him, fiddling with their own combination.

"So how was the first day?" Even's deep voice broke through the quiet rattle of the commercial kitchen on the other side of the wall.  Turning around to sit on one of the benches, Isak rested his head against the wall to give his attention to his roommate.  

He never really had trouble making friends.  He always enjoyed meeting knew people and talking to strangers even.  But with Even. there came an ease that was a bit unfamiliar to him.  Isak was used to putting in the work when it came to new relationships.  A lot of that had to do with his job as much as his personality.  He was constantly in the public eye and had to initiate rapport with strangers all of the time.  So it was nice to not have to  _try_.  For it to just fit into place.  For the other party to be interested in sincerely getting to know him instead of the forced bonds and conversation he usually put himself through. 

"Honestly, it was great." He exhaled the words out as he looked down at his hands while they fiddled with his keys.  He felt giddy.  Was that stupid? Was it silly to be this excited over his first day working in a restaurant?  It didn't matter – because he was.

Even finished rummaging around his locker and turned around, leaning his shoulders against the row of doors, stuffing his hands in his pockets, and looking down at Isak – giving him that smile again.  That damn smile that was brighter than the sun and more genuine then anything Isak thought he could ever be capable of.

"Good."  They were silent for a moment.  Even smiling at Isak like he was proud, and Isak smiling back because he was still riding the euphoric high of his new-found freedom. 

Even pushed off from the wall of lockers, straightening himself up. "What are your plans now?"

Isak stood, grabbing his backpack and making his way around the bench. "I was going to head home for a couple hours before the campfire tonight."

"I'll walk with you." 

They made their way back into the kitchen, and with one last wave to Ramone, headed out the back exit of the restaurant and onto the trail that lead home.  They walked in a comfortable silence, Even having found a pinecone along the way, kicking at it like a soccer ball as they walked. 

He was all long limbs and torso and his movements excruciatingly uncoordinated, but he was nothing if not determined.

"So, I'm guessing sports were probably never on your radar as a professional career choice."

Even paused his clumsy progress to stare wide eyed at Isak. Bottom lip slightly dropping open. In a swift movement, he turned and kicked the pinecone in Isak's direction, probably aiming for his shin but missing his target completely.  Laughing at himself as he seemed to prove Isak's point.

"I'll have you know, I have trophies in soccer."  He lifted his chin indignantly and continued walking the trail home.

"Really?" A small pang of guilt rang in Isak's chest. "Well then, I stand corrected. "

"Well I mean, I was 7 years old and everyone in the team got one.  Also, we lost that season completely. But the point still stands." 

"You were _that_ team?"  Isak rolled his eyes, smiling at himself for not sensing the sarcasm earlier.

"Hey, I don't make the rules."

"Right."

They arrived in front of their building and climbed the stairs to the second floor.  Isak took his keys out to unlock their dorm and threw his bag on the desk before taking his phone out and laying on the bed.

"I wasn't really into sports." Even said, continuing their conversation from earlier.  "I was more the artsy kid. Always listening to jazz and soul music, going to art exhibits for fun, dissecting editing techniques in film - that kind of stuff."

Isak looked up from his phone at Even who had pulled out his laptop and was sitting on his bed with his back to the wall. 

"Art exhibits for fun?" Even looked up at him and nodded.  "I don't understand art.” Isak blurted out without thinking.  “I mean I want to, but I can never get passed the idea that when I look at a painting I am interpreting it incorrectly and thus insulting the artist.  And for whatever reason that makes me irrationally mad." He sat up now, reaching around to plug his phone in and needing an excuse to turn away from Even's gaze after his admission.

"Well that's sort of what makes art beautiful.  _You_  get to decide how you feel when you experience it.  No one else gets to feel that for you."  Even turned his gaze back to his laptop and shrugged. "I'm much more interested in photography anyways."

He looked back up at Isak like he was struck with an idea but unsure, pursing his lips and moving them side to side thoughtfully.  “Do you wanna see?"  He was already sliding over to make room on his bed for him to sit down, so he silently made his way over and pushed his back against the wall, mirroring Even.  He crossed his legs under him and leaned over, shoulders touching, so he could get a view of the screen.  

Even clicked a few folders and suddenly the monitor was filled with a black and white image of a little boy on a tire swing.  He couldn't have been more than five or six years old.  He had deep colored skin and was wearing a tank top with stripes. His face was scrunched up in fear while his cheeks were stained with tears and smudged with dirt.  His knuckles were white as they squeezed around the chains of the swing he was sitting on and he was looking straight into the camera, eyes wide and bright – a stark contrast to the mood of the photo.  Isak immediately felt overwhelmed with the need to pick up the child and rock and soothe him. There was something so fraught about what he was looking at, but with the image's contrast, depth of field, and overall tone of the monochromatic snapshot – you were somehow left dazzled.

It was stunning.

"You took this?" It was a silly thing to ask.  Even had invited him over under the pretext of showing him some of his work, but Isak needed a second to gather himself.  He didn't know he would be looking at something that felt so personal.  That made him feel as if he should be alone while observing it in order to properly marinate over everything he was feeling.  Honestly, he had expected some half decent amateur work that most people posted on Instagram. But this was beautiful. 

"Yeah. I took this a little over a year ago." Even hadn't looked up from the picture at all.  Was studying it like he wasn't the one who had captured the raw moment.

"He's adorable." It was true.  Even crying, Isak could see how handsome the young boy was. "Do you know him? Or are you one of those Nat Geo type photographers that just shoots devastating material of strangers instead of providing help?" He was trying to bring some levity to the conversation, but Even only gave a small smile.  A far cry from the bright face-consuming grin Isak was beginning to associate him with.

"Yeah. He was my brother." Even clicked over to another photograph.  This one of an older man on a bench tossing some sort of crumbs to a flock of pigeons in front of him.  This was in black and white as well, and while the expression on the man's face was beautiful to look at – every wrinkle and line shown in great detail, it was the glare off the wet pavement, that had so obviously just been rained on, that added the emotion in this picture.  It was like another character in the story. Even really was incredibly talented, but Isak was still wondering about the boy in the previous photo.

"Brother?"  He didn't look related to Even, who had creamy porcelain skin. But Isak knew that didn't necessarily mean anything.  Families looked different all the time. Krista was technically his half-sister. Her father was Tony, his stepdad and he was African American - leaving her skin a beautiful caramel in color. Nothing like the paleness of his.  And honestly, the whole concept of  _half_ sibling was completely lost on his family.  He was only 8 years old when she was born, and he fell in love with her immediately.  There was no  _half_  love about it. Still, asking about the relation of the young boy to Even felt like the safer question.  Isak didn't miss his use of the word _was_ when describing him.

"Yeah.  Well he was my foster brother.  My parents have been fostering kids for ten years now."

 Isak looked away from the screen to face Even. "Really?  That's - wow. That's so interesting."

"It is.  They are honestly the greatest people I know." He clicked back to the little boy. "This little guy is Keshawn and I was absolutely in love with him. He had been placed in my parents' home after police raided his house and found his mother had over dosed in the kitchen.  He was 3 years old and wouldn't speak to anyone.  At the time, I was living in the city going to school, but I went home every holiday and most weekends." He shut his laptop, rest his head against the wall and continued.  "He was afraid of the dark and hated being alone.  So whenever I came home, he would always sleep in bed with me.  He was such a snuggler, always tucked up under someone's arm whenever possible."  His expression was fond as he recalled the memory.

Isak smiled, remembering how Krista was the same way. 

"At the time my parents had two other kids in their home, Simon and Lea.  They were both 5 years old and bickered worse than an old married couple. You could not get these two to share anything.  And Keshawn, he was constantly worried whenever one of them was crying or throwing a tantrum.  Bringing them his favorite doll or stuffed toy to try and make them feel better.  He was so nurturing for such a little guy." He paused for a moment, smiling at the memory.  "He was placed with a distant relative a couple of months after I took that picture." His smile fell.  "It was a good thing.  It was.  But - he had been with us for two years – it was so hard to let go."

 "Damn."  Isak blew out his cheeks.  "I couldn't imagine having to do that.  I have two younger sisters and I would easily kill anyone who tried to take them from me.  I mean, I know that's not the same.  I guess I'm just saying that I am completely in awe of what you and your parents do.  I love kids, a lot more than most even, but I don't know if I would have it in me to intentionally let people into my life knowing I'd fall in love with them and lose them eventually."

Even tilted his head to look Isak in the eye, narrowing his own eyes slightly, like he knew something Isak didn't.  He was always doing that, looking you right in the eye – making it almost impossible to look away even if you felt like he was reading your thoughts.  

"You end up finding out that you are capable of much more than you realize when you push yourself." He studied him a second longer before looking up at the ceiling.  "Besides, a broken heart seemed a small price to pay to be able to provide these kids with a home and love."

Even exhaled a long breath, tilted his head back over to look at Isak and gave him a half grin.  "Anyways, that photo was taken just after Lea came over to push him on the swing - much higher than he wanted to go and she knew it. So yeah – maybe I am one of those Nat Geo type of photographers."

Isak laughed - a response that was in direct conflict to his gut instinct, which was to reach over and hug Even. He was such a fascinating person.  He was naturally confident yet allowed himself to be vulnerable.  And unlike Isak, he seemed to think things through. He calculated his words and actions. He doled out loyalty to people he had just met, (Matty being a prime example), and loved freely – even if he knew it would result in heartbreak.  The fact that Isak was able to recognize all of this about him after only a couple of days, was a real testament to how exposed he allowed himself to be - something Isak himself was afraid of doing.

Even was a beautiful human being, and Isak was not going to take this friendship for granted or lightly.  He may not know whether or not there really was a God anymore, but he didn't think he could reason with himself that it was a mere coincidence that this was going to be his roommate for the next few months either. 

He wanted to say something.  Wanted to express how much he had been moved by his family's story.  How, after a weekend with him he already knew he wanted to be best friends with him.  But Isak was also not willing to come across as a creep either, and somehow telling someone you had just met that you had a  _feeling_ they were meant to be in your life seemed to be teetering between over-eager and disturbing.  

A hug still seemed too intimate, but physical touch felt like the appropriate avenue in this situation, so he reached out and squeezed the top of his knee slightly and said, "Well just so you know – in my very uneducated opinion, you are an extremely talented photographer. Ten out of ten would recommend you."  

It wasn't exactly what he wanted to say. If this were Jonas he would have tackled him in a suffocating hug to make sure he knew how proud Isak was of him.  If it was Ollie, he would have showered her in words of affirmation so she understood how unbelievable she was in Isak's eyes.  If it was his sisters, he would have lost all semblance of a grip on reality and started crying because they were so special and no one could ever be better than them.  But as it was, this was his new roommate, who was older, wiser, and more sophisticated in every way.  So a squeeze to the knee and a compliment with a hint of self-deprecation was going to have to suffice.

Isak was immediately rewarded with an eye crinkling smile.  Suffice it to say – message received. 

There was a knock on the door, startling Isak and causing his head to snap up towards it in alarm.  Even got up to answer it, leaving him on his bed and abruptly aware of how close he had slid next to Even during their conversation. He was going to need to chill before he scared this guy. 

Suddenly he missed Jonas and Ollie.  He never had to worry about how close he was sitting next to them.

Making new friends sucked.

Even opened the door and suddenly their room was filled with an enthusiastic voice that undeniably belonged to Matty.

"Hello boys!" He pushed his way in, armed with a store bag and a determined look. He toed off his shoes and immediately made his way towards Isak, bouncing onto the bed, filling the spot previously left by Even. 

"I brought pre-game essentials." He revealed two bottles from the bag – Coke and Captain Morgan.  Even grabbed some cups from the shelf next to his wardrobe, handing one to each of them before settling in and making himself comfortable on Isak's bed.

They drank for a while, mainly laughing at Matty who seemed to somehow make every story he told the most vivid and hilarious thing Isak had ever heard.  At some point, Even had put on some music and made his way back over to his bed, sandwiching Isak in between him and Matty while he told them about his trouble getting the bar at the restaurant prepared today.

Isak was on his third glass of rum and Coke and he was right at the perfect place between buzzed and drunk.  With-it enough to be aware and know what was going on, but loose enough to feel free and not care. He leaned his head over and rested it on Matty's shoulder, closing his eyes and listening to whatever rap song was playing through the speakers.

Matty put an arm around his shoulders, squeezing lightly. "You really are such a baby."

"I'm not a baby." He kept his eyes closed and moved his knee along to the beat. "I just love to cuddle and I'm not sober enough to care if that bothers you or not."  

Yeah, he was definitely feeling loose lipped. 

"Oh baby, you are the definition of a baby.  You're my baby now.  Get used to it."

Isak settled in closer, not opening his eyes. "You said the word baby a lot."

Even got up and made his way to the back of the door where jackets and sweaters hung on the hooks.  He lifted one of Isak's up and tossed it over to him.

"C'mon, we should start heading over to the lake, and you should put that on.  The temperature drops pretty low at night."  

Isak didn't really want to leave the warmth of Matty's arm, but he obediently pulled on his hoodie anyway.  He walked over to his bed to grab his phone and slide into a pair shoes before straightening back up, lifting his arms and stretching his legs and back.  He looked over to Matty and Even who were having a silent conversation with their eyes, ending with Even lifting his eyebrows at Matty and simply saying "No" in a tone that didn't seem to invite further argument. Matty rolled his eyes and stood up, reaching an arm out to Isak.

"Come on baby.  You're walking with me."  Isak didn't even bother fighting the nickname.  He actually enjoyed the endearment.  So he linked his arm with his older friend and they walked out into the dark.

<><><>

The party was awesome.  There was an endless stream of bodies down on the shore of the lake where they had gathered, and everyone seemed more than happy to talk with you or share whatever drinks or snacks they brought along with them.  Music was being pumped through some speakers, joints were being passed along, and a few feet away there was a crowd having a beer shot-gunning competition.  Everyone was in a good mood and genuinely wanted to be there.  

It was like the sixties, but without a higher cause.

Currently Isak was sitting at a picnic table talking with Alecia, one of the other bartenders working under Even at the restaurant.  She was from Jamaica and was filling Isak in on how to make the best Jerk Chicken he would ever try.  He didn't think he'd be able to recreate what she was explaining, but he really wanted to.

A bottle of beer was pushed in front of him and followed closely by a body sliding in on the bench next to him. 

"I saw that you didn't have a drink so I thought I'd bring you one.  It's still sealed so you don't have to worry about me drugging you."  A hand was extended out to him. "I'm Wyatt by the way."

Isak turned around fully to take in the man that was speaking to him.  Big dark brown eyes stared back at him. His back was to the table, elbows behind him propped up on its surface.  Long muscular legs stretched out in front of him, accentuating defined calves.  His skin was tanned, but it seemed naturally so, and not from spending time out in the sun.  His hair was wavy and looked purposely unkempt.  A five o'clock shadow framed a deep set of berry colored lips that stood out in the light of the campfire.

Wyatt was hot. 

He was still staring at Wyatt, who was looking down at him with an amused smile, one eyebrow cocked up.  

"So, are you going to tell me your name, or do I have to guess?  That's fine too, I don't mind games." He licked his lips and gave Isak a once over with his eyes.

Isak shook himself out of his thoughts for a moment to take the hand that was offered to him and shake it.  

"Isak."  That was all he could get out. If he kept talking he might give himself away.  If he opened his mouth to speak, he might lick his lips too while gazing over his jaw, collarbone, and chest. And then Wyatt might get the wrong idea.  He might think he was interested or flirting.  And he wasn't. He was just looking at him objectively.  And objectively speaking, Wyatt was good looking.  But if he didn't get his shit together, he might react in a way that he would regret and feel sick about later.

Wyatt leaned in close, lowering his voice and looking him straight in the eye while still holding his hand.  "It's nice to meet you Isak."

Isak pulled back from his grip laughing nervously and gestured to the beer he had given him, looking for something to distract him.  

"Thanks for this, but I actually have to work tomorrow, so I'm keeping it light tonight."

"Where are you working" He didn't back away, just remained in Isak's space.

"Uh, I'm at the restaurant.  A lead server."  He looked for Alecia to give him someone else to talk to, but she had left at some point - leaving him alone with Wyatt.

"Well god-damn, I'm a server at the restaurant as well." 

Before he could come up with some sort of retort, his hip was being nudged by someone sliding in to sit on his other side. He turned to see who else was coming into his personal space and sighed internally at the sight of Even. 

"There you are.  I was getting worried.  I don’t think I've nagged you enough about your water intake today." And with that he produced a fresh bottle from his side and pushed it into Isak's hand - eyes not leaving his once, not even to acknowledge Wyatt's presence next to him.

"Even."  Wyatt uncrossed his legs, spreading them out a little, further pushing himself towards Isak.  "Didn't know you two already met."

He looked at Isak for a beat longer before moving his eyes to Wyatt.  "Of course we did.  We're living together for the summer."  He slid over to his right a little, giving Isak room to slide away from Wyatt.  He took advantage of the opportunity, trying to disguise it by twisting his back exaggeratedly as he cracked it.

Wyatt didn't seem to notice, instead he shifted his gaze between the two men before giving a soft chuckle and shaking his head slightly.  "Well hell, I can't figure out which one of you is luckier."

There was another pause before Wyatt stood up and looked down at Isak.  He bent over, reaching his arm towards him, and just when Isak thought he was going to touch him in some way, he grabbed the unopen bottle of beer and straightened back up.  

"See ya at work tomorrow Isak."  He twisted the cap open and lifted he bottle slightly in salute. "Even – always a pleasure." And after taking a sip, he turned around and walked towards a crowd that had gathered on the shoreline.

"Shit." Isak didn't mean to say it out loud.  He was going for an internal curse, but it came out a forced whisper.

Even, who had been staring in the direction Wyatt just escaped, turned towards Isak.  "Are you alright?"

Was he?  Wyatt hadn't done anything wrong.  He came over and offered Isak a beer and made some conversation – conversation that was laden with flirting – but conversation all the same.  Honestly, it was a perfectly normal thing to do at a social gathering like this.  Should he maybe have kept more of a distance between them since he hadn't asked Isak if he could put his face so close to his, causing him to feel his warm breath on his cheek when he spoke? Yeah.  That would have been nice, but it wasn't the end of the world.

So what was the problem?  Was it that the mere presence of someone that looked like Wyatt did, combined with his obvious interest made Isak feel – for a fleeting moment – good?  Was it that Isak suddenly forgot who he was and all his confidence seemed to dissipate the moment Wyatt's side touched his - and while outwardly he seemed uncomfortable, inwardly he was excited? 

Excited by Wyatt.  A man.

_Shit_.

He turned around on the bench so that his back was to the table like Even's, and placed his arms on his legs, forcing a smile on his face in the process.

"Yeah I'm fine.  I'm just sobering up and starting to get tired."  He reached around for the bottle of water and made a show of gulping down half of it before taking a breath.  Choking a little in the process.  

"Wake up to any nosebleeds this morning?"

"No actually.  And my headache has subsided a lot too.  You may be on to something with all this water business."  Isak drained the bottle of Its contents more slowly this time.

"Yeah well, the first time I moved out to The Rockies, I had the worst case of Altitude Sickness you could imagine.  I could barely move from the bed.  I eventually made it to an Emergency Room where they hooked me up to an IV for a couple of days." He leaned back and crossed one ankle over the other.

"How long have you been in Wyoming?" Isak stuffed his hands into the pocket of his hoodie, beginning to feel the chill of the night.

"I just got to Wyoming for the Summer, but I've been traveling around doing seasonal work now for about a year.  Was in Denver before this over at  _Breckenridge_.  I did a few seasons there before winding up in Jackson."

Traveling back and forth doing seasonal work for a year - maybe more?  Was that something Isak could do?  He hadn't considered it.  Hadn't considered anything outside of just getting away from home as quickly as he could.  He knew this job in the park was only temporary, and unlike other resorts, they didn't have a Winter season so he was eventually going to have to make a decision on what his next move was.  Financially he was all set.  He had enough in his savings account to last him about 8 months if he needed to rent a place and pay bills.  And with this current job, most of what he made would be going right back into that bank account since his room and board were completely covered by the resort.  So money wasn't going to be his obstacle here – he was.  He had to figure out what was next.

Even kicked his ankle lightly, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"What about you?  You obviously weren't in the mountains before this."

"Uh, I actually came from home.  I'm from Florida, which should explain my body's inadequacy right now." He laughed at himself.  Sitting around a camp fire in the woods drinking with a hundred or so strangers from all over the world is not where he ever saw himself at this point in his life.  He didn't mind it though.

"Florida? So, are you like a hillbilly Floridian who only eats barbecue and drinks sweet tea, or are you the showy Floridian from a sophisticated town near Orlando who hates tourists and Mickey Mouse?"

"More like the Floridian from a small coastal town outside of the city who eats a lot of seafood. But -" He looked over at Even and tried to make his face as serious as possible, "I still hate tourists and sweet tea is sacred."

Even placed a hand over his heart and nodded solemnly.  "Duly noted."

He looked over Isak's shoulder, giving an amused smile at whatever he was staring at.  Isak turned around in time to find Matty making his way over to the picnic table, sullenly dragging his feet as he sat heavily beside Isak.

He threw his head back and sighed out loud.  Both men let the silence hang for a moment, staring at their over dramatic friend.  When no one said anything still, Matty pouted further and sighed more loudly this time.  

Shaking his head fondly, Even spoke first.  "Hey Matthew, is something the matter?"  His voice was stilted, obviously forcing the words he knew his friend wanted to hear.

Matty looked over at Even, forehead wrinkled in exaggerated despair and he placed his chin on Isak's shoulder.  "Yes Even, something in fact is the matter."

Realizing he wanted more prompting, Isak gave in this time.  "Do you want to tell us about it?"

Adjusting his head so his cheek now rested on Isak's shoulder instead, Matty took in a deep breath and exhaled it just as slowly.

"I thought I had a sure thing tonight.  I had been eye-banging this guy all night," He sat up and looked at Isak seriously, "I'm really good at that you know.  I can eye-bang the shit out of you."  He settled back down before continuing. "Anyways, I took a few shots and made my way over to him eventually, once I saw him alone. I was going to be really respectable and talk with him a little before taking him to my boudoir for the evening." 

Even snorted loudly and immediately cupped his hand over his mouth as if that would keep him from being exposed.  Matty sat up and glared at Even.  "Are you not taking my troubles seriously?!"

Isak decided to join in.  "Yeah Even, are you not taking Matty seriously?" He asked in an accusatory tone.

Realizing there was no out for him, he dropped his shoulders and looked at Matty. "No, I absolutely am." Even was so obviously biting the inside of his cheek to keep himself from laughing further, pinching Isak in his side as he did.  "Go on Matthew.  What happened?"

Matty threw his head back and yelled at the sky.  "Nothing!  Nothing happened Even because he only speaks Spanish and I don't feel comfortable hooking up with someone without explicit consent.  I'm not an animal!"

Evens face softened but his smile stayed.  "Sorry man.  That is rough.  But for the record, I don't think you're an animal."

Matty seemed to ease a little at that.

"So he was hot, huh?" Even asked.

"Boiling.  Definition of tall dark and handsome. And a perky ass that makes you wanna -"

"Is he wearing a red sweater with white stripes on the bottom half?" Isak interrupted Matty before he could go into further detail about what exactly he wanted to do to that 'perky ass'.

Matty looked at him from the side of his eyes. "Yes..." He said cautiously.

"Would he happen to be the gentleman leaning against that tree smoking the cigarette?  The one who keeps glancing this way." Isak gestured in the direction he was looking, where said gentleman was standing about ten yards away.

Both men looked over and Matty gave his affirmation.  "That would be the very one."

"Yeah, he is hot."  Even answered, giving Matthew an apologetic look.

Isak pushed himself off the bench and with a quick, "Be right back" made his way over to the man against the tree – ignoring Matty's unconvincing protests and Evens blatantly curious eye. 

The man's name was Hector, and from his accent and dialect Isak was guessing he was Mexican.  A quick conversation revealed that he was just as eager to spend some time naked with Matty this evening as well. 

Making his way back to his friends, smug smile on his face Isak sat down and filled Matty in on the details and sent him on his way, making sure he understood that he was on his own now, as Isak wasn't the least bit interested in playing translator to whatever these two were going to be up to.  

"Oh, and he said it would have to be your room, because his roommate is at his and won't leave."  Too stunned to say anything else - which Isak is guessing was a first for him - Matty quickly brushed a kiss on Isak's cheek and made his way over to Hector. 

Keeping an indifferent expression on his face, he leaned back and stole a glance over at Even who wasn't even trying to hide his interest and shock.  

"So you speak fluent Spanish?  That's impressive Isak."

"Yeah well, I kind of had to.  Didn't have much of a choice growing up." His face was still neutral – giving nothing away.

"Why? Did your parents force lessons on you?"

"Nah.  I'm Puerto Rican, speaking Spanish comes with the territory."  Isak looked back over, knowing he threw a small bomb on Even.  No one ever believed him when they found this information out.  

Even was staring back, mouth dropped open and eyes wide.  "Isak Valtersen? Even if your name was traditionally Latin, your looks would never give you away." He reached up and slightly tugged the hair at Isak's neck.  "I mean these blonde curls are as Caucasian as they come."

Isak lightly swatted his hand away from his hair.  "I'll have you know, that Puerto Rican's are some of the most diverse looking group of Hispanic people.  I have a cousin with flaming red hair, freckles everywhere, and skin lighter than yours – and she's not even biracial like me."  Isak gave Even a pointed look, but kept it light.  He wasn't actually offended.

Even grinned and nodded in agreement.  "You are absolutely right.  That was pretty close minded of me."

Isak pushed his shoulder against his slightly. "Nah, it's fine.  It's even more weird when you see me with my sisters.  We are like a gradient paint chip from the hardware store.  Cream, caramel, and milk chocolate.  If we didn't share so many other features you would never know I was related to them."

"So where is 'Valtersen' from?"

"My dad was Norwegian and I was named after his brother Isak which is why it's spelled the way it is.  It's actually not pronounced 'Isaac' at all.  It sounds like 'ee-sock' which is close to the Spanish pronunciation as well. But only my family calls me that. It's why Jonas and Ollie call me 'Iss'."

The fire was starting to fade a little, taking with it the warmth that had been keeping Isak comfortable, and Even was looking him straight in the eye in that way that he does – steady and focused, but with a gentleness that can't be faked; smile wide and eyes crinkled.

"What?" Isak was starting to get cold and feeling a little squirmy.

Even seemed to see his discomfort and looked back at the fire, which was settling more into hot coals at this point. "You're an intriguing person Isak Valtersen." He said it using the correct pronunciation as he stood up to stretch.  "Very intriguing."

Isak didn't agree.  There wasn't anything very interesting about him.  And anything that could be deemed  _intriguing_  was definitely not anything Even would want to know about.

"I'm gonna head back.  I need to be at the restaurant earlier than normal tomorrow to receive a shipment before we open up in the afternoon."

Isak collected his empty water bottle and some more trash from the table, and disposed of it in the bin before following Even back to their room.

<><><>

The end of that week finished off April, and May flew by just as fast.  Isak had a routine and Wyoming was feeling more familiar.  Maybe not quite like home yet, but he was comfortable.  Since the restaurant didn't open until just after lunch time, he got to spend all of his days sleeping in – and although the state of Wyoming didn't know it, that really worked out in the favor of all of its inhabitants because Isak was nothing if not consistent – and mornings and him never saw eye to eye.

He took full advantage of the activities being free to employees and regularly went kayaking out on the lake with Matty and horseback riding whenever possible.  (He tried to do that when Dakota was leading the rides, as he always made sure to reserve him his favorite horse.)  He had even begun working his way through the different hikes in the park and was proud of himself for accomplishing some of the more difficult trails.  Always a relatively fit person to begin with, Isak was beginning to see a difference in his body.  More defined muscles and thickness all around.  He even took up running, although he was still working his cardiovascular muscles when it came to that – the altitude was no joke. 

Once a week he and Even would go to Matty's apartment for a movie and some beer.  Which usually ended up with them arguing over Even's film choice.  ' _For once Even, let yourself enjoy the thrills that are the explosions in a Michael Bay film.'_ And Even insisting they were uncultured and he saw it as his personal calling to fix that.  Most of his lunches were spent in the EDR, with Dina, one of the campground managers, trying to teach him Russian while he tried to teach Even Spanish.  

Spoiler alert: Russian is really hard, Even's accent is really white, and Dina can still speak five different languages better than both of them – including their own.

Most nights he Facetimed with his sisters and his friends.  Ollie always insisting that he Facetime her on the weekends as well so she could see whatever it was he was up to that day.   _'Yes Isak, is it important that I am able to go on this hike with you.  You are terrible at describing things anyways, so this is really the only way I can prove you are where you say you are.'_ And Nicole had already sent him three care packages full of junk food.   _'I'm in another state Nic, not a third world country.  I can buy Oreo's here.'_

At work he had a great rapport with his coworkers.  Whenever he and Even worked a shift together, which was almost always, Even made sure to take the drink orders of Isak's customers up a notch – usually increasing the size of Isak's tips considerably.  He was the only server that would have  _regulars_  which is saying something when you work in a place that is almost exclusively made up of vacationing families. And he was actually friends with Wyatt – and yeah, he was as surprised by that as everyone else.

Wyatt still flirted every now and then but Isak had made it clear that he was not interested in anything other than a friendship, and after that it just became easy banter. And maybe some flirting.  

Honestly, Isak was flattered and liked the attention.  

He intentionally didn't allow himself to think about the reasoning behind that.  And why should he?  Not thinking was so much easier.  He was having the time of his life and he was on his way to really being happy.  He had smoked his first joint and discovered he actually preferred weed over alcohol – and he didn't have to answer to anyone but himself on the morality of it.  He was making new friends and meeting so many different types of people.  People with different beliefs and ways of thinking – giving him pause and allowing himself to learn, experience, and choose how he wanted to live.  It was like a balm for the still open wounds that had been left on his heart since leaving home.  

He still had his sisters and Jonas and Ollie, but it was hard to ignore that Chris and Anna hadn't once tried to reach out to him.  That the people who had promised to write and keep in touch didn't.  He wasn't stupid - he was sure rumors were beginning to make their way through the church - but to his knowledge they would stay limited to staff and stay away from the students' ears as much as possible.  Many of his favorite kids still reached out to him on Facebook, keeping him up to date with their lives and asking advice about the things that always seem like a big deal when you're in high school.  So he felt confident in the church's ability to continue to shelter their students.

Things weren't perfect, but in two months he somehow managed to feel like a completely different person than the scared and broken man he was when he arrived.  So yeah, he wasn't really thinking about Wyatt and what all that meant - because who cares?

<><><>

It was half way through June and the park was getting more and more crowded as the season went on, so today he took advantage of kayaking on the lake before it became dense with other watercraft and tourists.  Ollie had sent him a waterproof case for his phone the week before, so he had no excuse but to bring her along on this trip as well.

"So what are you plans for the rest of the weekend?"  Ollie was still Facetiming with him as he made his way back home from his afternoon out on the lake.

"Not entirely sure yet.  I'm off tonight, so probably going to do laundry and just chill.  I think the _Around the World_ party is tomorrow, so I may head over to that when I get off work."

"What is that?"  She was sitting on the counter in the kitchen of her grandmother's house, making herself a sandwich while she chatted with him.

"Basically all of the countries that are represented here get together and make a bunch of delicious food, and there is a DJ playing music from each country as well.  A bunch of the people from years before say it's the best party of the summer."

She looked up from what she was doing.  "Ooh! I wanna go!"

"No Ollie.  I am not going to a party carrying you around on my phone all night. Find something else to do." He started climbing the stairs to the second floor of his building.

"But I'll be so bored."  She was whining – and it was doing absolutely nothing to help her case.

"God, I can't wait until you're back home and you're Jonas' problem."  he was fumbling around his backpack looking for his keys.

"Rude." Her mouth was stuffed with food, but she didn't actually look bothered.  "Why do I feel like I can hear Jonas?" She said when she swallowed what was in her mouth. 

He paused for a minute.  She wasn't wrong, he could hear Jonas' voice too.  Pushing the key in the lock and turning it, he opened the door to his room and saw Even sitting at their desk with Isak's laptop open and Jonas's face clearly filling up the screen.  Even turned around in the chair.  "There he is."

Isak threw his bag on his bed and made his way to the desk, sitting in the chair as Even got up.  "Your Skype was open when Jonas called, so I just answered." Even explained as he made his way to his dresser, fumbling around in the top drawer for something.

"Ooh! Is that Hot Even?!"

"Even.  His name is just Even, Ollie."

"Hi Beautiful Ollie." Even turned his head around for a moment to acknowledge her with a cheesy smile.

"You're talking to Ollie?  I wanna say hi. Put her up to the screen." Jonas cried out. He reluctantly turned his phone towards the monitor of his laptop.

"Jonas! I miss you!" Ollie was now stuffing her face with chips.  Her decorum was nonexistent. 

"I miss you more! How's your grandma doing?"

"Ok, enough." Isak interrupted the two of them, facing Ollie back towards him.  "This is confusing the hell out of me and I can't keep up.  Ollie, if you want to talk to Jonas, call him on you own time."

"Ugh. Fine.  You’re such a kill joy."  She jumped off the counter and wiped her hands on her pants.  "Oh wait! Hot Even -"

"Just Even." Isak deadpanned.

Even stopped what he was doing to give her his attention.

"I finally got around to listening to that playlist you sent me and I am officially obsessed with Ella Mai. That song  _Naked –_ I mean!"

"I knew you would love her, that song just screamed your name. Had to let you listen to it." Even was standing behind Isak now, bent over his shoulder while he spoke to Ollie.

"Honestly, I don't know why I haven't been making babies to her music all this time."

"Ok, this is getting weird.  Even, go to work.  Ollie, I'd sleep a lot easier knowing that you were in fact, not trying to make babies right now.  And every one – stop taking my friends from me." He eyed all three of them separately, completely aware of the tantrum he was throwing and not caring in the slightest that he sounded like a child.

Ollie rolled her eyes at him.  "Chill Iss.  No one is stealing Hot Even from you."

"Even."

"And whether we like it or not, Jonas and I aren't going anywhere either – you have too much shit on us anyway."

Jonas chimed in with a chuckle. "And also, we love you and stuff."

"Right.  There's that too."  Ollie was now dipping a spoon into a jar of peanut butter and shoveling it into her mouth.  Isak, just shook his head at her in genuine wonder.

Voice thick with a mouth full of her gooey snack, she continued, not even looking back up at the camera.  "I've gotta go anyways.  Grandma will be up from her nap and I've got to drive her to her Cribbage game."  She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and finally looked back at them. "Bye guys.  Love you Iss.  Bye Hot Even!"

Isak rolled his eyes, not even bothering to correct her this time.  "Love you too Ollie." And then he clicked the end button, tossing his phone onto his bed.

Even had continued moving around the room, pulling out a large camera bag. "I have to close tonight so I won't be home until late, but Matthew is coming by to borrow this." He held up a very expensive looking camera as he placed it into a padded case.  "He's trying to impress some guy he met at the marina last week and I somehow allowed myself to become involved in his scheming."

Isak ginned widely at his roommate.  "Aww, you have such a soft spot for your best friend."  

Even speared him with a pointed stare before grinning right back. "Just tell him to make sure he replaces the lens cap when he's not using it."

"Got it." Isak gave a mock-salute to drive the point home. "Oh, I think I'm gonna do a load of laundry later, so if you have anything you need washed just toss it in my hamper."

Even quickly rushed to the bottom of his wardrobe and grabbed a few things, throwing them in the basket behind the door and sheepishly smiling at his roommate.  "I promise, one day I will do laundry for the two of us."

"You won't, but it's fine.  I've been keeping tally of how often I've washed your uniform for you.  You owe me seven favors so far, and I do plan on cashing in one day."

Even grabbed his messenger bag and tossed it over his head and shoulder.  "That’s seems fair.  Alright, I'll see you later.  Bye Jonas."

"Bye Hot Even."  Jonas waved - face serious, like he didn't just hijack Ollie's lame joke. Even threw one last glance back before he was out the door.

Isak unplugged his laptop and carried it to his bed, where he rested it on his lap while he settled himself in more comfortably.  "Sorry about that.  How long had you been talking before I walked in?"

Jonas was in the seating area of his studio apartment, lying down on his couch, surrounded by a bunch of brightly colored cushions Ollie had insisted he purchase to brighten up his place.  "Like five minutes.  It wasn't a big deal.  I actually had a question about some editing software update, so I asked him about that."

"It's like I can't get away from you artistic types – even half way across the country." Isak pretended to be annoyed, knowing Jonas would see through it.

"Says the guy who plays four different musical instruments that he taught himself by ear.  The same guy who dissects the lyrics to every Michael Jackson song and cried for four days when Prince died.  But sure, we'll pretend  _you_  feel out of place around the rest of us."

"He had so much more to give us! And not enough people talk about  _why_ he was dependent on opioids to begin with!"

"Dude." Jonas narrowed his gaze.

"What? You brought him up! Don't act surprised when I respond exactly how you expected."

Jonas seemed to concede to that.  They spoke for a while longer.  Jonas filling him in on his older brother's wedding and his mother's latest trial of some juice cleanse. He told Isak about how he took Krista out for driving lessons and from the sound of it - it wasn't going well.  Her nerves getting the best of her causing her to break down in the parking lot they were practicing in before she even put the car in drive.  Isak's chest stung, guilt welling up inside because it wasn't him there to teach his sister how to drive.

Jonas broke through his thoughts. "She just needs to get over the initial anxiety of it all, and she will be just fine.  I took her out for milkshakes after though, so hopefully there wasn't too much trauma attached to the experience."   


"Are you trying to weasel you way in as her favorite?  'Cause if you are - I'm sure it's working." Isak tried to mask the doubt in his voice.  He knew no one was replacing him in Kris's life – but jealousy didn't play by everyone else's rules.

"Pfft.  As if anyone other than you could be the recipient of all of the admiration and love that comes out of that girl when it comes to you.  If anything, I am sloppy seconds."

Isak gave a half-smile as a thank you to his best friend.

"Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something else."  He sat up on his couch and looked off camera for a moment before continuing. "I had lunch with Chris yesterday.  He actually reached out to me.  Anyways, he said that after he confronted him, Jason went to Pastor to tell him everything that had gone on between you two.  I don't know what version of the story he shared, but he offered to step down from his position, which Chris will now be taking over."  

Jonas paused and looked down at his lap.  "I guess this week Pastor had a meeting with the board of directors and they have granted Jason's resignation and are offering to continue paying him under the guise of a sabbatical until he finds something different, as well as doing any PR he may need along with references.  Chris said that Pastor has been going to staff members one on one to talk to them about what happened.  He says he's presenting it like it’s a ' _prayer request'_ ," He used air quotes as he spoke, "but we all know it's an excuse to fucking gossip about the whole situation."  Isak stayed still – not saying anything and willing Jonas to finish, knowing there was more.  Jonas waited a moment before he continued.  "Chris also showed me an e-mail that was sent out to all staff.  It basically said no one was to have any further contact with you or they would risk their position in the church, and possibly their job. That's why Chris hasn’t reached out."

Isak's heart stopped beating.   _What?_

"He seemed really broken up about it, but doesn't know what else to do because now he's the new rock star of the show and still has to work there. He kept assuring me that he would make sure to keep it from the kids, but you know the church is just worried about Jason's reputation.  So anyways, I left that place.  I'm fucking done."

Isak sat there quietly, feeling the storm inside of him that had been lying dormant – leaving Isak with a false sense of peace – begin to bubble up and take over him one inch at a time.  Heat filling and radiating out to the edge of his skin while his heart seemed to find its rhythm once again and was pounding much too rapidly to for someone who was sitting down not exerting any energy.

"So, I just want to make sure I understand this." Isak found his voice again, albeit low and shaky. "Jason and I have an affair – equal parties in a relationship with two consenting adults. The married man is offered protection, resources, and financial backing and I am shunned and marked with a scarlet letter.  Did I get all that correct?"

Jonas didn't say anything, just looked at the camera - solemn expression filled with silent apologies.

Isak looked at his phone, it was late enough that the laundry room would be empty and he could get his and Even's stuff done fairly quickly.

"I'm gonna go.  I've got some stuff to do before it gets too late."

"Iss, what do you need?  Do you want me to come up there?  I'll get the next flight to Wyoming.  You don't have to be alone."  Silence. "Iss, talk to me."

He was fine.  At least he would be fine eventually.  It wasn't the easiest news to hear, but he'd get through this.  So what if he was being discarded by a group of people who had known him since he was a kid and had expressed they're unconditional love and support on multiple occasions.  It didn't matter, because as Isak was learning – he wasn't capable of being on the receiving end of unconditional love.  There are conditions and deal-breakers for everything.  And yeah, he may be a little jaded right now, but he could take it.  As long as the kids never found out, everything would be fine.  He would take all the shit they wanted to throw at him – just leave the student's alone.

"I'm fine Jo.  I really do have to do laundry, and honestly could use the distraction of some monotonous chores."  He pushed the laptop off his lap and onto the mattress, signaling that he was ready to say goodbye.

Jonas looked reluctant, but let it go.  "Alright, just call me if you need me."  His phone went off somewhere off screen.  "That's Ollie.  Want me to fill her in on everything so you don't have to?"

Isak nodded, gave a quick goodbye, and ended the call.

> _**December 2022** _
> 
> _Isak's hands were shaking as he held a cup of egg nog and made polite conversation with some of his friends.  He was sitting on a bench outside in the backyard at Chris and Anna's house while the Christmas party was in full swing inside.  He was trying to focus in on what everyone around him was talking about, and on any other occasion the topic of making a group trip down to Miami for a praise and worship conference in the Spring would have had him completely engaged, but tonight his thoughts and nerves were elsewhere._
> 
> __
> 
> _The party had started an hour ago and although Jason was nowhere to be seen, Isak knew it was only a matter of time before he and his wife showed up.  And right now, Isak wasn't sure what the night would hold once he did._
> 
> __
> 
> _All because of last night._
> 
> __
> 
> _Fuck last night.  It was stupid really.  Isak almost never gets drunk at home – and certainly never while he was alone.  But last night he found out that Jasmine was seeing someone else.  It had been two months since she said she wanted a break, and to be honest, Isak was a little relieved when she suggested it.  But there was always the assumption that they would get back together eventually, I mean – isn't that what it means to take a break?_
> 
> __
> 
> _So last night while scrolling through Facebook, he saw the notification telling everyone that she was now in a relationship with someone else – and hell if that didn't sting.  A phone call or text from her would have been nice.  You know, since Isak was just sitting here waiting for her to call him and let him know when she was done with the break.  Letting him know was just a common courtesy that you gave the person you had dated for the last fifteen months._
> 
> __
> 
> _Isak took a sip of the eggnog, wishing there was rum in it but knowing this was not the crowd to find that acceptable.  If Isak was honest with himself, which he rarely was, he would have to admit that he was never in love with Jasmine.  Sure, he loved her.  Of course he did.  They had been friends long before they started dating, and she was a sweet girl who genuinely cared about everyone around her, but there wasn't any real passion.  And she probably realized that too.  So no, keeping her in a relationship with him probably wasn't fair to either of them – but Isak would have tried his hardest to make it work, and she knew that.  So was it so difficult to send him a text letting him know that she had moved on?_
> 
> __
> 
> _And this was why he drank last night.  It wasn't even good either.  He had a large glass gallon of store made sangria in his fridge, from who knows when, and he drank all of it.  So when Jason started texting him asking about his ex and how he was handling the information about her new boyfriend, he had definitely been drunk._
> 
>  
> 
> _Vulnerable, drunk, and without inhibitions._
> 
> __
> 
> _It was nice that Jason was reaching out to him.  He really thought that at this point it would have been Chris to check in on him.  He was closer to Chris anyway.  Chris sort of planted himself as a protective, somewhat possessive, older brother figure in Isak's life.  Some people saw it as a weird dynamic, but they just didn't understand the camaraderie and love they all had for each other.  Plus, it was nice to be looked after.  Isak never had an older sibling of his own.  Isak craved it._
> 
> __
> 
> _But it had been two months since his split with Jasmine and Chris never even asked him how he was holding up.  So while Isak was shocked by Jason's inquiry, (He was a little self-absorbed and had a reputation for being a dick), he also felt weirdly privileged that Jason would give him this attention.  Especially since it seemed so genuine._
> 
> __
> 
> _Isak was drunk.  He doesn't remember fully when their texting turned into a phone call, but that's exactly what happened.  And it was on that phone call that Jason told him, "If you were mine I would never let you go."_
> 
> __
> 
> _Admittedly, that made Isak's brain stutter in its thoughts for a second.  What did he just say?_
> 
> __
> 
> _Jason took Isak's silence as encouragement to continue._
> 
> __
> 
> _"I would never hurt you the way she did."_
> 
> __
> 
> _"Well honestly, I probably hurt her.  We were never really in love."  Isak spoke his words slowly, trying not to slur or sound sloppy and still trying to give himself time to grasp the turn this conversation had taken._
> 
> __
> 
> _Jason's voice became low and rough.  "You may not be able to force love, but no one can look at you and not feel hot and passionate."_
> 
> __
> 
> _"What?  Really?"  Isak was blushing.  His boss, a man who never gave anyone the time of day if he could help it, was saying things to him that no one else had ever said.  It did something to him.  A heat spread low in his stomach and it wasn't an unpleasant feeling. The fact that these words were coming from another man was something he could dissect tomorrow.  But right now, he wanted to hear more.  Right now, he wanted to feel more._
> 
> __
> 
> _"Dammit Isak.  Do you know how hard it is not to reach out and touch you when I see you at work?  You are a lesson in self-restraint for me daily."_
> 
> __
> 
> _Isak's breathing became heavier.  He could feel the sweat forming on his face and back, and that warm feeling in his stomach made its way up his chest and into his throat – right before he retched a gallon of sangria all over himself._
> 
> __
> 
> _Remembering the events of last night, he set his cup aside, all of a sudden finding the eggnog unappetizing.  Everyone had moved back into the house for the gingerbread house contest, and Isak was glad for the quiet.  He wasn't ready to face Jason.  What would he say anyway?  How do you approach a conversation that you'd rather avoid but know you need to have?_
> 
> __
> 
> _And as if he could hear his thoughts, the sliding door to the house opened and Jason walked out, making his way to Isak and sitting next to him on the bench._
> 
> __
> 
> _This was definitely one of those moments where Nicole would say, 'Speak of the devil and he shall appear.'_
> 
> __
> 
> _The silence was heavy and frankly, if Isak had to sit through any more awkward situations he was going to be sick again, so he just bit the bullet and spoke first.  "Listen, I am so sorry about last night.  I was drunk and lonely, and I don't know what came over me, I just - "  Isak was cut off by Jason's hand which had found its way onto his thigh and was brushing along the inside seam of his jeans._
> 
> __
> 
> _"Isak, shh." Jason turned towards him, his free hand reaching over and grabbing his chin to turn his face towards him.  "I've been watching you for a while. You think I don't notice the way you flaunt yourself at me when you put on those skinny jeans?  Or the way you bite your lip slowly in a staff meeting right before looking up at me?"  The grip on his face was getting tighter, but not painful.  Still, Isak was starting to feel uncomfortable._
> 
> __
> 
> _Moving his head to try and loosen Jason's hold on him, Isak's voice shook as he said, "Jason, I think maybe you have the wrong idea - "_
> 
> __
> 
> _"Do I?" He interrupted Isak.  Dropping his hand from his face, but moving the hand on his thigh to his crotch where he began stroking him with the back of his knuckles.  Isak sat there frozen, while he felt himself get hard underneath his jeans, screaming internally at the reaction his body was having to Jason's touch._
> 
> __
> 
> _He moved his face closer, letting his lips graze Isak's ear when he whispered, "See?  I knew you wanted this too."  He nipped at his jaw, turned his hand around to press his palm flat onto Isak, giving a slow squeeze before abruptly standing up and moving towards the sliding doors.  He looked over at Isak before he walked in, "Don't worry - I like it when you're a tease." Then he slipped into the house, shutting the door and the sound of the party as he did.  Leaving Isak heaving on the bench alone._
> 
> __
> 
> _He leaned forward, gripping the seat with both hands so tight he could feel blisters forming on the pads of his palm from the unpolished parts of the wood. What had just happened?  Was he a tease?  Is that what he had been doing?  Is that why everyone always called him a flirt?  Isak knew he was friendly, overly so sometimes, but was he leading people on?  Was he leading his boss on?  And why did he like it?  Tears sprung to his eyes, stinging as they made their escape onto his cheeks.  Jason was right, he did want it – he must have. Why else would his body react the way it had?_
> 
> __
> 
> _Isak released his grip from the bench and pressed the heel of his palms to his eyes.  Why was he so disgusting?  Why couldn't he just be normal?  Why couldn't he have just fallen in love with Jasmine?  What was so fundamentally wrong with him that he couldn't stop the conversation last night before it took a turn past appropriate?_
> 
> __
> 
> _Isak was pacing now and absently running his hand through his hair and over the back of his neck.  He needed to get a grip.  The sooner he came to terms with himself and who he was, the better his life would be.  The better his life should be.  So if that meant that Isak was a flirt and a tease and if his comfort level with speaking about sex with his friends, (even though he was a virgin), meant that he was a little slutty – then fine.  He was a little slutty._
> 
> __
> 
> _Just play the role they wanted.  That Jason wanted.  Jason -  his boss._
> 
> __
> 
> _He could be that person.  He could do it. And as for Jason – his parents were the most influential family in the entire church – so he could count on his discretion knowing he would want this all kept a secret as much as Isak did._
> 
> __
> 
> _It wasn't being gay, it was just sexual immorality.  This was all just about sex.  He just needed to get it out of his system.  Free himself from it so he could finally move on and maybe not be ashamed of himself for once._
> 
> __
> 
> _Isak scrubbed at his face, ran his hands through his hair one more time, trying to adjust it in the dark, and made his way back inside to the party._

 

**_Now_ **

The buzzer from the dryer rang out, rattling the counter next to it that Isak was currently leaning against as he folded the clothes from the previous load.  He set the laundry basket beneath the now open door of the machine and emptied its contents into it. 

Isak knew himself well enough to know that he lacked any real decent coping skills, but in the past when crisis or trauma hit him, he found that distraction was usually his friend. After his father died he had taken up Sudoku to try and mask the excruciating heartache that came with losing someone you love. Putting all of his energy and focus into trying to arrange a set of numbers strategically in a graphed-out box served its immediate purpose, and most days he was able to ignore the feeling of being so utterly sad and alone that he didn’t want to wake up the next day. 

But Sudoku couldn’t begin to touch the emotions searing through him at the moment.

 

He didn’t usually fold his laundry straight out of the dryer.  Hell, he rarely folded his clothes at all, but he desperately needed to do something with his hands. Something that didn’t take thought - since his mind was currently racing at its own volition anyhow.  

The fury and betrayal he was experiencing was coursing through him with a fierce intensity.  A violent energy starting at the innermost core of his being and shooting out of his extremities in a way that made Isak feel savage.  Never prone to physical violence before, he found himself needing to desperately keep his hands moving along with the monotony of the chore in order to keep down the urge of wanting to strike something with them.  Whether or not he hurt himself or another person in the process was of no consequence to him.  

He closed the dryer door, slamming it so hard it bounced back instead of clicking shut, echoing a loud and tinny sound into the empty room.  He slammed his fists on top of the machine before he stilled himself and took a few calming breaths.  He repeated his actions, more steady and gentle this time, gripping the edge of the dryer and dropping his head in between his shoulders. 

He couldn’t let this control him. 

Isak was far past the point of asking the _why me_ questions, because it was futile.  Whether or not he stayed back home or left, this would have happened - Because Jason was a _Clark_ and the church would do anything for that family.  When it came to the deities that were honored in that building, it was the Clark family first and God second.  Wealthy, powerful, and white – the Clarks could do no wrong.  They were not beyond any amount of cover up the church could offer them.  Isak had seen it with Jason's father when there were rumors that he was having relationships with minors – including his 17 year old assistant at the time - calling the victims out publicly on talk radio shows and accusing them of seeking attention and temporary fame.  Even going as far as giving Jason's dad a short-term role in the youth group as a way of showing to everyone how "youth friendly" he was.  And no one stopped it.  No one said anything on behalf of the young girls who were forced to interact with him on a weekly basis, all in the name of Jesus and good press. 

So what made this situation any different?  What made Isak so special?  Nothing.  

It still didn't change the hurt he was feeling, even if he should have expected it.

Isak took the basket filled with neatly folded clothes and carried it out of the laundry room and made his way back to his room.  Once through the door, he set the basket on his bed and immediately began separating Even's clothes from his and placing them in a neat pile on top of Even's pillows.  He hurriedly began shoving his own clothes into drawers and onto hangers, effectively reversing all of the work he had just done.  He didn’t care.  It was getting late and Isak was beginning to succumb to the fatigue wracking through his body.

His phone started vibrating and ringing with notifications.  The laundry room was notorious for being unable to receive any real cell signal, so Isak was expecting a few notifications from Jonas, more than likely wanting to check on him and follow up on their conversation.  

Isak pulled on a pair of gym shorts and removed his shirt, ready to throw his body onto his mattress and tuck himself under the covers.  His phone kept pinging with notifications, and so with an irritating sigh, Isak walked over to his nightstand where he had plugged it in and saw his screen lighting up with messages from Jonas and Krista.  Sliding over Krista's name first, Isak opened her texts to read.

**____________________**

**Krista**

Isak, why aren't you answering your phone?!

Iss! Call me!

I don't want to talk about this over text!

…

Is it true?!

Just tell me what happened?

…

Isak???

**____________________**

Heart thumping painfully in his chest, Isak opened Jonas's messages.

**____________________**

**Jonas**

Fuck, Isak.  Why aren't you answering your phone?

Krista keeps calling me and I need to talk to you now!

…

Shit.  Just read this and call me.  Seriously.

**[Attached Link]**

**____________________**

Isak's hand trembled as he tapped the link and waited for the page to load, revealing an official press release from the church on their website with links to local news outlets as well.

**_It is with sadness that we regret to inform our congregation and the members of our sister churches across the state that Jason Clark, beloved youth pastor at Calvary Center Church, will be stepping down from his role._ **

Isak continued to read below where a quote from Jason was placed.

**_"The decision to step away from the youth dept. at Calvary Center Church was not made lightly, but after a lot of prayer my wife and I have decided it to be the best option for us and our family right now while I seek healing from the sin of sexual immorality._ **

****

**_The last few months I found myself tested and tried; tempted by the trap of homosexuality – my own Jezebel experience – and I fell.  I allowed myself to fall into sin when the devil sported the carnal transgressions around me in the form of someone I believed to be a friend.  I am now falling to my knees in repentance and allowing the Lord to heal me_ _and break me_ _from these chains._ **

****

**_I ask you to continue to support me by lifting me up in prayer at this time._ **

****

**_'For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.' - Romans 8:13"_ **

Isak should have stopped there, but he let his eyes wander down to the comments section, where he found his name littered everywhere.  He closed out of the article and shut his phone off.  

He couldn't breathe.  Pain shot through his chest, cramping into the center and spasming in and out.  On instinct he clutched over his heart, skin tacky and damp with sweat, hand jerking up and down rapidly with the heaving of his breath.

He couldn’t breathe.  The edge of his vision becoming fuzzy and dark, accompanied with a heavy dread that seemed to cage him in; rigid and tight.

He couldn't breathe.  Body stiffening against terror, sliding down onto the floor, fists clenching – trying to stave off what felt like death.

He couldn't breathe.  Loud sobs being forced out of his body, gulping for air he couldn't seem to find; for control he desperately needed.

_He couldn't breathe.  He couldn't breathe.  He couldn't breathe._

Something solid against his back, around his shoulders, against his chest; crushing, squeezing, forcing him still.  He fought against the force but the pressure remained – sturdy and strong.

Vibrations surrounded him, breaking through the sound of his cries; a voice, faint and muted.  "Breathe.  Breathe with me.  Deep Breaths."

Warmth spreading in his veins, traveling out and through his skin.  "Deep breath in and out."  Chest rising in synch with the presence behind him; around him.

Light making its way back to the edge of his sight, eyelids drooping closed as he inhaled – stuttering and unsteady – and blew it out strong and slow.  He could breathe.  

The voice - low and soothing, gradual and firm – repeating its chant.  He could breathe.

Fists uncurling, joints loosening, skin soft and cool.  He could breathe.

The thick air seeping out of the room, and the dread that felt like deaths brother leaving him as well.  He could breathe.

"That's it, another breath.  In," The voice behind him, next to him, around him, "and out."

_He could breathe.  He could breathe.  He could breathe._

He opened his eyes, arms were around his shoulders and chest, still grasping but easing in their grip.  His cheeks were soaked with tears and he found enough energy to sit up on his own, the arms falling to his side, allowing him some room.

"How do you feel?"  Even's voice was soft and laced with concern as he moved around on the floor to face Isak.  Grabbing his wrist and placing two fingers over his pulse point as he used Isak's watch to take his heart rate.  

Isak didn't say anything and Even didn't make him.  Dropping his wrist after a few moments and looking up at Isak – eyes wet with worry.  Isak looked away, attempting to continue focusing on his breaths, tired at the amount of effort it took.  

He let the silence hang, not ready to confront the situation yet.  He felt weak and needy and couldn't do anything about the fact that someone saw him like this without his permission.  He felt out of control and needed something that was his choice – so he didn't say anything. 

It went on like this for a while.  With Even taking his pulse every now and then, not saying anything, just monitoring Isak and giving him, more or less, his solitude.  Finally, Isak looked over at the bed where his phone had been thrown, screen dark from it being shut off, and he remembered the texts from Krista.  

_She knew._  

"Hey, your heartrate is picking up.  What's going on inside of you?"  Even had his wrist in his hands again, taking Isak’s other hand in his and squeezing it.  The gesture immediately grounded him and he remembered his breaths.  He remembered to breathe.  

He kept his eyes trained on Even, knowing he could trust him.  He squeezed his friends hand back, knowing that he should tell him.  That he _would_ tell him.  Somehow knowing that this would maybe possibly one day be okay.  And if that was true, then confiding in Even was probably as good of a place to start as any.

Fresh tears started to fall out and pour over his face again, as the knowledge of what he was about to do overwhelmed him and flooded him with an infinite amount of indecipherable sensations.

_Deep breath in.  Deep breath out._

"I'm gay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to tell you, that the comments you leave mean so much. So thank you for everyone who takes the time to leave your thoughts and encouraging words.
> 
>  
> 
> **Tumblr:**  
> [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak cried and Even Soothed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So this took a bit longer to get out to you. My apologies.  
> My sweet and wonderful beta, Jamz24, was very ill this week, (please send her love if you can), therefore I can guarantee this is littered with mistakes. 
> 
> I know I say this every time, but your comments and kudos mean so much. I read everyone and love engaging with you all. This story is very close to my heart, and I cannot get enough of this Isak and Even.
> 
> I think there is a bit more fluff in this chapter, but still a little bit of angst. We learn more about Even as well. So jump in.

****CHAPTER 5

 

 

 

 

> **_August 2007_  
>  **  
>   
> 
> ****  
> 
> _Isak was sprawled out on the grass in his swim trunks outside in Landon's yard.  He was sucking on a red popsicle, but the sun was melting most of it - leaving red stained drips all over his chin, chest, and hands.  He was too hot to care.  Everyone had just left Landon's house – he had a pool party for his ninth birthday_ _-_ _and it was just him and Isak outside enjoying their frozen treats._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Landon was his very best friend.  They had known each other since they were in diapers and they both went to the same daycare.  Isak doesn't remember that far back, but he has seen pictures with both of them in the bathtub together when they were little._  
> 
>  
> 
> _He used to live on the same street as_ _Isak_ _, but his family moved one town over at the end of the school year._ _Isak_ _missed riding his bike over to his house, but this was okay too because now Landon had a pool._ _Isak's_ _mom had a baby earlier this summer, so he was always at Landon's new house anyway.  Landon's mom,_   _Cece_ _,_ _insisted on wanting to give his mom a break._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"How's your baby sister?  Does she_ _cry_ _a lot?"  Landon was laid out diagonally from_ _I_ _sak_ _, the_ _ir_ _temples touching._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Yeah, sometimes.  I guess it's a lot.  But I think that's what babies are supposed to do." He took a bite of his popsicle, wincing at the ache it gave his teeth._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"She is really cute though.  I don't think all babies are cute, so you got lucky.  It would be awful if you had an ugly sister."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"She's cute.  But she poops a lot."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Cool."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak finished up his popsicle, looking down at the wooden stick to read the riddle on it.  It was one he already knew, so he didn't bother sharing it with Landon._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"School starts in two days. It's not gonna be as fun without you." Landon looked over at him, blue dye stained around his lips.  That was the other thing, now his_ _best friend would be going to a new school_ _so they would see each other even less._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Are you scared? Fourth grade has big kids in it." Landon was a year older than him, but he was always a little more nervous_ _with_ _meeting new kids.  Isak usually did all the talking for the two of them._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"A little."  Landon had finished his popsicle and was staring up at the sky, forehead wrinkled in worry._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak reached over between them and grabbed his hand, squeezing it lightly and rubbing his thumb over the back of it like his mom always did when he was upset._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"It's ok to be scared sometimes.  I don't think we're always supposed to be brave.  That's only for robots and stuff, not real people."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Really?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Really.  Plus, you're the coolest kid I know.  Once everyone sees how far you can kick a ball, everyone is going to be begging you to be on their team at recess."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Landon rested his head on Isak's shoulder, small smile appearing on his dyed lips, eyes still trained on the clouds above them._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I only want to be on your team at recess though."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Yeah." Isak sighed, "Me too."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak didn’t want to say anything, but he was afraid of starting the school year too.  It was bad enough that they wouldn't be at the same school anymore and couldn't share each other's lunches – but now Landon was going to be with bigger kids and he'd want to do big kid things and probably think that Isak was just a baby. He didn't want to lose his best friend._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak sat straight up, he had the best idea._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I know what we can do!  We should get married!"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Landon pushed himself up too, not letting go of Isak's hand._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"We can't get married_ _Iss_ _, we're just kids.  You have to be a grown-up to be married."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I know that Lan, but that's why we have to be engaged first.  That's what my aunt Lucy did before she got married."  He was excited now_ _, wriggling around a bit_ _as he explained his idea.  "She said that Uncle Steve gave her a ring to wear and that let everyone know that they would be together forever before they got married.  And then once they did, they got to live with each other!"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"But I still have to go to a new school."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I know." He scooted closer to his friend, "but if we are engaged then you know that one day we will be married and live together forever.  So whenever you get scared that I'm not there, you can look at_ _your ring_ _and remember."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak took off the three different colored corded bracelets he was wearing, taking the orange one and putting it on Landon's wrist.  Orange was Landon's favorite color._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Is this okay?  I don't have a ring to give you."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Landon just thumbed over the bracelet, "Don't we have to be in love?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak thought about that for a minute, then shrugged.  "Yes, but I already love you.  You're my best friend and I don't want any other ones.  Plus, mom says you're supposed to marry your best friend anyways."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I love you too.  I don't want any other best friends either." Landon shrunk down, becoming even smaller._  
> 
>  
> 
> _They laid back down onto the grass, head to head and shoulder to shoulder looking at the clouds, which had turned a pink and purple color now that the sun was setting._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Hey_ _Iss_ _."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak turned his face to see Landon looking at him, chin hooked on his shoulder._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Should we kiss now?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Do you want to kiss?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Yes. Do you?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Yes, I think so."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _They both turned onto their shoulders and leaned in, pursing their lips out in front of them.  Isak closed his eyes when his mouth touched his best friends. It wasn't long, and it was kind of sticky from their popsicles – but Isak liked it.  It was fun.  He opened his eyes and saw Landon smiling at him._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I'm glad I'm marrying you_ _Iss_ _."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Me too."_ _He really was._  
> 
>  
> 
> _-_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak_ _ran into his house about an hour later,_ _Cece_ _had dropped him off home and he was so excited, he couldn't wait to tell his mom_ _everything._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"How was the party, sweetie?"  His mom was sitting on the couch, holding Krista in her arms with the tv running in the background on mute._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak walked over and kissed his sister's cheeks gently.  She really was so cute._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"It was so much fun! There was an ice cream cake, and we played Marco Polo, and I got a bunch of candy from the piñata too!"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _He was sitting next to his mom now, lightly petting his sister's head while he told her about his day._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Oh, and guess what else?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _"What else?" She was humming a lullaby for Krista and rubbing her fingers over her tummy._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Me and Landon are gonna get married!  Well, one day.  We're engaged first."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _His mom snapped her head to look at him and she didn't look as excited as he was._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"What do you mean, you are getting married?"_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak was getting nervous now. "Umm, we love each other and want to live with each other one day.  So we are gonna get married so we can."  It was all so logical.  You love somebody, you want to be with them all of the time and forever, so you get married._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Isak," She pronounced his name in a Spanish accent. '_ _ee_ _-sock_ _' instead of 'Isaac'.  She only did that when he was in trouble.  "You cannot marry another boy."  She wasn't yelling, but her voice was low and she looked_ _angry._  
> 
>  
> 
> _His lip was trembling.  He wanted to marry Landon._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"But why not mom?  We love each other and he is my best friend. You always say that you married your best friend.  I want to too." He was close to hysterics now._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Boys don’t marry other boys.  And girls don’t marry other girls. Jesus doesn't forgive you if you do.  It's an ugly sin that makes him angry."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak started crying.  He didn’t want to make Jesus angry.  He was scared now. "But I love him, and he kissed me! I love him."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak felt the sting and burn of a hand slapping against his face._  
> 
>  
> 
> _"That is enough! I don't want to hear another word! Now go to your room and change.  It's an early bedtime for you tonight."_  
> 
>  
> 
> _He ran to his room, holding the spot where his mother had hit him, crying at the feeling in his chest.  He wasn't allowed to marry his best friend.  Loving Landon was ugly.  He threw himself on his bed, chest heaving up in down while he tried to catch his breath in between his sobs._  
> 
>  
> 
> _Later that night he heard his mom on the phone with_ _Cece_ _.  She was_ _yelling at her._  
> 
>  
> 
> _He never saw Landon again._

 

 

 **_Now_ **  

 

"I'm gay." He said it.  Two words.  Two words that held so much power.  He could feel his heart beginning to race again.   

 

He was gay. 

 

 _I'm gay._  

 

It had been silent for a while and he was still holding Even's hand, staring down at the two of them clasped together resting on his knee, unable to meet Even's gaze just yet.  Grateful for a man willing to hold his hand after that confession, and apprehensive because he felt so exposed and weak. 

 

Even squeezed back and his deep voice came through, just above a whisper.  "Isak, that's great." 

 

 _Great?_   Was it?  Was it great that he found other men attractive?  Was it great that this meant he was unclean?  Was it great that he allowed himself to be in relationships with other women even though somewhere deep down in the recesses of his being he's always known this?  Was it great that he led people to believe he was something he wasn't?  And what now?  Now he was out?  What about all of the teenagers that had ever come under his leadership that he led to believe living like this was wrong, disgusting, or a sin?  What about them?  If being gay didn't make him a monster, then that surely did.  How many more people was he going to hurt in the process of him coming to figure himself out? 

 

A fresh batch of tears breached his eyes and made their way down his already damp and tear worn face.  Even moved over to his side and placed an arm around his back, pulling him in and gently placing Isak's head on his shoulder.   

 

Isak cried and Even stroked his hair; tugging gently when he got to the ends and curling slightly before going back and doing it again.   

 

Isak cried and Even hummed; resting his cheek on Isak's head so he could feel the timbre of his voice. 

 

Isak cried and Even gripped tighter; his breathing deep and exaggerated like a lullaby. 

 

Isak cried and Even soothed. 

 

Isak didn't move.  He didn't want to disturb this moment of comfort.  Didn't want it to be over just yet.  "I'm not so sure how great it is." It comes out a little hoarse, his voice worn out from the strain of crying and fatigue. 

 

Even stops humming but continues playing with his hair, brushing it with his fingers and tugging at the ends.  "Of course it is.  Everything about you is great." 

 

Isak lets out a humorless laugh.  "That's not even remotely true Even, but I appreciate your loyalty, no matter how misplaced it may be."  He lifts his head off of Even, leans back and rests it on the mattress behind them but remains sidled up in Even's side.  He drops his hand from Isak's hair and curls his arm around his waist to keep him tucked close, resting his head beside him. 

 

"I don't know what's going on Isak, but I know that sometimes people do things that aren't  _great_  but that doesn’t mean that they aren't."  He leans further into Isak, temple's touching. Head to head and shoulder to shoulder. 

 

Isak wraps his arms around his middle and scrunches his face in pain, feeling so young, "But I did something really terrible Even."  

 

Even doesn't move, just keeps his head against Isaks, and his arm around his waist.  "Do you want to tell me?"  There's nothing demanding about the question.  It's a suggestion and like Even, it's unassuming.   

 

"I had an affair with a married man."  He waits for a response - a gasp indicating his disgust, but he gets none.  So he continues.  "It was my boss."  He knows that statement is loaded enough for Even to realize its meaning.  Even knows he used to work at a large church back home.  He even knows that Isak struggles with his belief in God – they've had multiple conversations about it on walks or when they've shared a joint in their room.  So when Isak says,  _It was my boss,_ he knows Even will understand.  And since he's said this much already, he keeps going.  "It was dumb and foolish and I knew better – I did.  I wasn't comfortable with the things he was saying and texting to me at first, even though he was being nice, and I was going to tell him.  I was.  I was going to tell him it wasn't okay and I was drunk and that we should just forget about it, but then he put his hands on me and – fuck!" 

 

Isak brought his knees up to his chest, holding them tightly with his arms and buried his head within them.  "He fucking touched me and my stupid body reacted!"  He was crying again, his voice muffled by his arms.  "So when he told me that I wanted it – that I wanted him, I couldn't prove him wrong!  And when he told me I flaunted myself at him, I couldn't decide if he was lying or not – because my body seemed to know for me!"  The sobs racked out of his body again, dry and deep.  His well of tears seemingly dried up for the night. 

 

"I fucked up Even.  I'm disgusting.  I pushed myself onto a married man.  He was fucking married!"  

 

Even placed his hand on Isak's back in between his shoulders and rubbed small circles there.  "Isak, I want you to listen to me." His voice seemed to get deeper, if that was possible. "I'm not going to discuss the morality of what you did here, because no one gets to decide that but you.  You are an adult and you make your own decisions." He paused for a moment, weighing his words.  "But  _you_  were not the married one in this equation.   _You_ were not the one in a position of power.  And more importantly, how your body reacts is nothing but biology.  It is not the end all be all of your truth.   _You_  get to decide how you feel, no one gets to do that for you.  Do you understand me?"  His question was gentle but still demanded an answer.  

 

Isak nodded in response.  Lifted his head and looked up at the ceiling, blowing out a heavy breath.  "I'm sorry.'  He hated crying in front of people.  He barely handled it well when he was with Ollie and Jonas, yet in the span of a little over an hour he had managed to be the most exposed he ever had in his life in front of his friend who he had only known for a couple of months.  Admittedly, they did live and work together – which probably aided into the speed of which they grew to know each other – still, he somehow came out to this man before even considering telling his best friends first.  That probably meant something and was worth looking into – but Isak was too damn tired and vulnerable to try and discern whether or not he could develop another best friend this quickly. 

 

Even was back to playing with his hair again, "Apologies aren't necessary." 

  

Isak scrubbed at his face., "Ugh.  I have to talk to Krista and Jo. Tonight is such a shit show." 

 

"You don't have to do anything tonight." 

 

Isak didn't say anything, just turned around to reach for his phone.  Putting it back on and handing it over to Even, letting him read the press release and the text messages from earlier. 

 

"Jesus Christ, Isak." 

 

Isak had to laugh at the unintentional pun.  Actually, Isak just needed to laugh. 

 

"Honestly, it's probably for the best that I'll never meet this Jason.  This is some fucked up shit, and I'm not certain I could contain the urge to physically harm him."  Even thought about it further, “We’ll actually, probably more of a verbal assault.  I'm not much of a fighter.”  Even looked so serious.  The hard expression on his face looked so out of place.  Even was always so congenial and jolly.  It was a little endearing – like watching a puppy try to stand up to a full-grown dog. 

 

"What do people do to deserve your loyalty Even?" 

 

"Not enough probably."  His face turned dark for a moment – staring at nothing, but quickly transformed back to the soft and kind features Isak was used to.  "But you don't have to do anything to earn my friendship Isak – you already have it." 

 

Isak let the statement hang in the air for a moment.  He realized that he didn't really know when it happened, but Even had his trust and friendship as well.  Jonas and Ollie had years on their side, but somehow the bond with Even felt similar.   

 

Isak nudged his shoulder into Evens.  "I'll keep you around – only if you always play with my hairlike this  though.  That shit was relaxing as hell." 

 

"Isak, are you trying to tell me that no one's ever played with your hair?" 

 

"God no.  Not since I was a kid anyway."  He tilted his head, remembering how his mom would stroke through his curls while she watched tv.  His head on her lap while he drifted off to sleep from the gentle movement of her fingers.  His heart pinched.   _I miss her._  

 

He shook his head, physically trying to dispel the feeling his train of thought had brought him.  "I, however am incredible at playing with other people's hair.  Such is the plight of being a big brother.  So by all means, feel free to card your hands through this mop on my head any day." 

 

Even smiled that eye crinkling smile and laughed that warm deep laugh, just as he tugged playfully at Isak's hair.  "You got it." 

 

They both took that moment to stand up, Isak needing a moment to gather his balance before sitting himself on his bed. 

 

"I'm gonna go take a walk." Even was stretching his arms out above him.  Isak noticed he was still in his uniform and hadn't removed his sweater.  A reminder of the state that Even had found him in when he walked through the door.  Isak knew this was Even's way of giving him some privacy.   

 

He really was too nice for his own good. 

 

"You don't have to leave." 

 

"No, I absolutely do." He nodded insistently.  "I need to make sure Matty didn't drop my camera in the bottom of the lake.  I love him, but he tends to be careless when he sets his sights on another man." 

 

Isak gave a dramatic gasp.  "You love him?" 

 

Even rolled his eyes. 

 

"Oh my god – he's your best friend, isn't he?!" Isak couldn't help it, teasing Even had become an addictive hobby of his this summer. 

 

"Shut up." 

 

"He is going to be thrilled Even.  He's going to mark this day down on his calendar and write it in his journal – you know he will."  Isak waved his hand in the air as if showing an imaginary marquee.  "Dear Diary, today Even told me I was his best friend - " 

 

"Ugh, he's not my best friend, you are."  Even was plugging his laptop in at the desk, not realizing that Isak had stilled.  As if his words didn't hold such an enormous amount of weight. 

 

It wasn't until he turned around that Isak could see Even become aware of how his words had affected him.  "Isak, stop."  Somehow those words would have been condescending coming from another source, but Even – Even was always gentle. 

 

"What?  Stop what?"  Isak looked around the room, attempting nonchalance. 

 

"I finally understand why Jonas always tells you,  _you're thinking too loud_.  I can hear your thoughts loud and clear right now." 

 

Isak didn't say anything, just threw his eyebrows and up and gave a slight wiggle of his neck, as if to say  _whatever_. 

 

Even walked over to his drawers, pulling out various articles of clothing in order to change out of his uniform.  He stepped out of his work pants and pulled on his favorite ripped black skinny jeans before he pulled off his dress shirt in order to replace it with a plain white henley.  And Isak knew he would inevitably tug the sleeves up to his elbows, unable to stand the feel of the material on his wrists for too long.  He let his gaze roam over Even's skin, watching the slight shadows from his muscular back disappear as he finished pulling the shirt on.   

 

He turned around to face Isak again, challenging him slightly with his gaze. 

 

"Isak, I don't have to be your best friend for you to be mine."  He was stuffing his wallet into his pocket.  "Besides, who could ever replace Jonas, or Ollie for that matter?  Ollie would have me by the balls if I even tried, and she's not someone I'm particularly keen on crossing at the moment."  He paused for a second, considering his next words.  "All I'm saying is that you don't have to freak out over me calling you my best friend.  Don't overthink it.  I'm certainly not." 

 

 _Don't overthink it?_  How do you not?  How long did it take before he considered Ollie and Jonas to be his best friends?  He can't remember - and honestly, he's not so sure it was because a certain amount of time had passed or because the three of them had experienced so much together.   _POW's for life._   Isak  _knew_  that you didn't have to be with someone for a lengthy season in order to bond with them deeply.  Isak  _knew_  that the same way falling in love with someone just happens quickly for some, that the same could be said for other relationships too.  He  _knew_  this – but in practice – it was unfamiliar. 

 

I mean, what did he really even know about Even?  Sure, he knew that Even loved photography, art, and music and seemed to be talented at anything he tried his hand at.  He knew that most of his closet consisted of the colors grey, black and white because ' _I like to add color to my life through personality and experiences,_ _Isak_ _._ _'_ He understood that, like Isak, Even would start wars for the people he loved in his life.  He knew that he preferred savory food over sweets but could never turn down raspberry pop tarts.  He knew that he snored when he wasn't feeling good and that he observed everyone and everything around him with so much detail and intensity, just so that he was able to be there for them on the off chance they needed something.  He knew that Even was as laid back and chill as they came but had tendencies to grow jealous with his time – even though he tried to hide it.  And he knew that there were some things he wasn't telling Isak intentionally.  Because Even was nurturing to a fault and seemed to always try and protect the people around him from something they were unaware of. 

 

Sure, he  _knew_  a lot about Even, but no more than anyone else would.   

 

Right? 

 

Isak cleared his throat. "Yeah well, don’t tell Matty any of this."  he responded, trying to bring some levity back.  Although, he's not sure Even noticed the serious change as a result of what he had uttered.  

 

 _Yeah right.  Of course he did._  

 

"I don't have a death wish." And that was that.  Even checked his phone quickly before glancing up. 

 

"You ok?" 

 

Isak nodded, "I'm better."  It was true.  If anything, he wasn't a crippled mess on the floor.  So that was something. 

 

Even studied him for a moment longer and then headed towards the door.  "Alright, well text if you need me."  And with a quick nod, he was out of the room. 

 

Isak collapsed back onto his pillows.  Without thinking he called Krista. It was late back home, but he knew she would answer.   

 

And after only two rings, that is exactly what she did. 

 

"Issy?"  She was the only one to call him that.  When she was little and learned what rhyming words were, she decided that he would be Issy and she would be Krissy. 

 

"Hey Krissy." 

 

"Are you okay?"  She sounded so small.  He knew she was stressed – not knowing fully what was going on had probably put her into a full-on panic - yet she was still concerned for him. 

 

"Honestly, I don't know Kris.  I think so?"  This was a strange position for him to be in.  He was always the one checking in on her.  Always the one making sure she was okay, sheltering her in any way he could.  Making sure she was taken care of.  So being honest with her about how he was doing – especially when it wasn't the positive answer he usually gave – it was weird. 

 

"Fucking, Mariah sent me the link with Jason's statement in it -" 

 

"Don't curse Kris." 

 

"Fucking, Mariah," She ignored him, "sent me the link with Jason's statement in it.  Asked me how long I've known that my brother was a gay homewrecker, like she was actually concerned for me."   

 

Isak could just picture her, face all scrunched up as she talked about Mariah – who she barely tolerated as it was.  And while the thought of knowing exactly how his sister was reacting brought him some slight joy – he couldn't help but wince at the words,  _gay_ _homewrecker_.   

 

"Iss, I don't care.  I know you, and I know what's going through your head right now, and I hate that I'm not with you."  Her voice broke, shaking softly with cries, causing his heart to break all over again.  His baby sister – his heart and soul was broken over this.  Over him.  "I hate that none of us are with you.  But you don't have to protect me right now.  So stop thinking that you have to."  She took a deep breath and continued.  "I don't know what happened – but I won't believe anything without you telling me first.  I'm not stupid, I know what the Clarks are like - even Jason."  And another piece of his heart shattered at the knowledge that his little sister was not ignorant to the corruption of the church she was a part of.  The community that had become her life, like it had his, at such a young age.   

 

"And Issy, I read some of the comments,"  _Shit_. "And nothing  _makes_  you gay.  There isn't some magical sin that has the power to turn you gay, only for you to have to atone for it later.  You either are or you aren't.  And if you are – than great.  And if you aren't, that's great too.  So, no matter what did or didn't happen between you and Jason – it doesn't matter, and it sure as hell doesn't define you." 

 

Isak brought his arm up and laid it across his eyes, like that would keep his emotions at bay.  It didn't. 

 

He didn't think, he just spoke.   

 

"Krissy – I am gay."  And there were those words, for the second time in one night.  They left his mouth a little easier this time around.  "As far as the situation with Jason goes, there's a little truth in everything I guess, but I don't want to get into it right now.  Just know, that I never wanted to hurt you or make you disappointed in me." 

 

He could hear rustling around on the other end of the phone - she was probably in bed - before she responded.  "Issy, you are the single greatest man I know."  She was sobbing now, and hell, that's all it took for him to lose control too.  "Gay, straight, Christian, Atheist, or all of the above – that will never change."  He wiped the tears from his face, wondering not for the first time during this conversation when she got so smart. 

 

She tried to steady her breaths, hiccupping in the process.  "Mom told me I'm not allowed to go back to church.  I think she was trying to punish me somehow, but honestly, good fucking riddance." 

 

"Kris! Enough with the cursing!"  He wasn't ready to talk about his mom yet, so Kris's foul mouth was a welcome distraction. 

 

"Isak, I literally got my vocabulary from Ollie and Jonas.  You have no one to blame but yourself." 

 

Isak grumbled, "Great." 

 

"Does Nicole know?" 

 

"She knows what happened with Jason, but that's it.  I don't know, it's weird – I feel like I need to tell a bunch of people – especially now.  They're kind of forcing my hand.  But, I wish I had more time." 

 

"Fuck them, Isak." 

 

"Krista!" 

 

"The more you tell me to stop, the more I'm going to do it!" 

 

"Ugh, who raised you?" 

 

"You did, you nerd." 

 

God, he would give anything right now to be hugging his baby sister.  He didn't deserve her.  She was the single greatest thing in his life. 

 

"I can hear how sappy you are getting in your head.  It's grossing me out." 

 

"I have got to start limiting how much you hang out with Ollie.  I can't tell where you end and she begins. It's freaking me out.  And why does everyone somehow just  _know_ what I'm thinking all the time?" 

 

She ignored his question.  "I may get my sassiness from her, but my insufferable qualities are all you Issy.  All the best parts of me are from you." 

 

"Who's getting sappy now?  I'm trying to  _stop_  crying here, Kris.  Jesus!" 

 

"Ok, ok!  I'm done."  They were both quiet for a moment – letting the weight of everything hit them.  Tonight was a turning point for both of them individually and as siblings.  Tonight was a lot.  

 

"But I mean it Isak, fuck them.  They don't get to make any decisions for you.  They don’t get to have that power." 

 

She was right.  He knew she was.  And maybe being separated geographically from everything would help.  Maybe it wouldn't.  He'd find out eventually anyway.  All he knew at this moment was that he was gay, his sister loved him and was too wise for her age, and he might have another best friend.   

 

Probably had another best friend. 

 

All in all, those weren't terrible things to have.  This wasn't really over, and he's not even certain that he'd dealt with the hardest part yet – but he kind of just knew that things would be ok.  He would just need to keep reminding himself of that in the future. 

 

He ended his call with Krista before opening up his texts with Jonas and Ollie.  He'd done this twice already tonight, he wasn't too worried about doing it a third time.  And he was too tired to call them both up, so they'd have to deal with a text.  Whatever. 

 

 **____________________**  

 **Los Losers**  

 

So, as it turns out – I'm gay. 

 

 **Ollie:**  See! Everyone's gay! 

 

 **Jonas:**  I think Olive may actually be right this time. 

 

 **Ollie:**  I swear to God Vasquez... 

 

Love you guys.  
G'night. 

 

 **Jonas:**  Love you more 

 

 **Ollie:**  Wait! Does this mean you're getting a Grindr now?!  
…  
Guys?!  
…  
Does it?! 

 **____________________**  

 

<><><> 

 

"Isak! I have something for you!"  Isak was just walking into the EDR when Alecia started flagging him down.  He had to work a double shift tonight and decided to get some lunch a little earlier than usual.  Even had taken, what seemed to be, an important phone call right when they were about to leave, so Isak made his way to lunch without him. 

 

He walked over to the table Alecia was sitting at, a few of her friends chatting amongst themselves as he approached, taking a seat in the empty chair next to her.  She reached down into a bag and pulled out a plastic Tupperware container. 

 

"Now don't let this get to that pretty head of yours – but I made an extra batch of my Jerk chicken."  Isak loved listening to her thick island accent.  "I know you're working late tonight, and I can't promise there will be any left when you get off."  Despite her tone, she was smiling as she held out the food for him to take.  

 

He didn't bother trying to suppress the enormous grin that swept up his face – knowing that in this case, it was the best way to disarm her completely.   

 

"Alecia, if you keep treating me this way, you'll never be rid of me."  He meant it too.  She was only a couple years older than him, but there was something so maternal about her – everyone wanted to know and be loved by her, and for whatever reason, she showered Isak with her affection, constantly trying to disguise it behind fake exasperation and irritation.  But you don't take the time to make a homemade dish for someone you 'tolerate'.    

 

She huffed in response and gave an eye roll that could rival Isak's.  "You couldn't handle me.  Plus, my husband might have something to say about that."  She pointed towards the door where said man just happened to be walking through.  "Just take the food and get out of here." She tried dismissing him, but he enthusiastically reached over and wrapped his arms around her, trying to make his hug as exaggerated as possible to try and rival the incredible hugs she gave everyone else.  She was an excellent hugger. 

 

She squeezed back, laughing at him like he was a fool, (and well, she wasn't completely off base there), and then swatted at his back.  "Get out of here and eat that before people realize I like you." 

 

He flashed her the cheesiest smile he could muster while he stood up.  "Admit that I'm your favorite." 

 

"I'll do know such thing – you know Even's my favorite."  She cornered him with a challenging glance.  He didn't move, just raised his brows back at her, "Oh yeah?  Where's Even's Jerk Chicken?"  

 

He was rewarded with a slow grin and small shake of the head.  Pleased with himself, he bent down one more time to give her a peck on the cheek.  "It's okay, at least I know the truth." 

 

She rolled her eyes and pushed at his shoulder, turning her attention back to the group sitting around her while he made his way to the table he usually occupied with Even and Matty, making sure to grab some silverware on his way over. 

 

He had barely sat down before Wyatt approached him, pulling out the chair next to Isak and sitting down. 

 

"What ya doing tonight?" Wyatt began, with absolutely no preamble. 

 

Isak lifted the lid to the container, taking in the incredible smell of the meal in front of him as he dug his fork in.  He didn't even bother looking up at Wyatt before he responded.  "Working, and so are you."  His mouth was slightly full and he couldn't find it in him to care. The chicken was to die for – and that was saying something.  Isak came from a Caribbean family full of incredible cooks who knew how to utilize seasoning and spices, so he was a bit of a snob when it came to home cooked meals.  But this, this was incredible.  He may actually fight Alecia's husband for her.   

 

Maybe. 

 

Platonically of course.   

 

Because he was gay. 

 

"I know you're working.  I'm talking about after."  Wyatt was mixing some sort of protein powder in his drink.  Yeah, he was  _that_  guy.   

 

"Sleeping, showering, sleeping.  One or all of those things."  Isak couldn't really bother with being articulate when the food he was eating was  _this_ good. 

 

Wyatt turned his body around to fully face Isak now.  "Go to the Around the World Party with me."  It was a statement. Despite Wyatt's reputation, he was a good guy and wasn't  _really_  telling Isak what to do.  Honestly, Isak wished people took the time to actually get to know Wyatt, and who he  _really_  was.  It's not that he hid it from anyone - people just preferred to make his sex life the topic of their conversations instead.  And really, if he wanted to sleep around, what was it to everyone else?  He wasn't hurting anyone. 

 

Well, except for maybe when he was topless and wearing his swim trunks at the lake.  The lime green ones that were short and came to mid-thigh.  That view was a lot to take in if you weren't ready for it.   

 

"No."  He didn’t miss a beat.   

 

This was a typical exchange between the two of them.  Wyatt would flirt, ask him out, and Isak would refuse.  Wyatt would flirt some more – smile in a way that made Isak want to say yes, he would still refuse, and then Wyatt would back down.  Taking it in stride and move on.   

 

Isak had never explicitly claimed to be straight when it came to his communication with Wyatt, but those were definitely the vibes he was trying to put off at the time.  Either way, it didn't much matter now, did it?  And it certainly never deterred him from pursuing Isak either.  Whatever.  It was flattering and comforting.   

 

Isak enjoyed routine.  Sue him. 

 

"Ugh, come on Isak.  I'm actually serious."  He turned back around, pouting while shaking his bottle to mix the powder and liquid together.  "It doesn't have to be a date.  Forget I even said date.  We just show up together, have a few drinks together, enjoy each other's company – together..." 

 

"You are describing a date."   

 

"I mean if that's what you want to call it..."  He grinned at him like a child trying to charm their way into getting a new toy.   

 

He was very adorable for a hot man.  It was confusing. 

 

Even chose that moment to arrive, setting down his tray and sitting across from Isak.   

 

"Ask Even to go with you." He said, stuffing his mouth further. 

 

"I don't want to go with Even." Wyatt looked over at the tall blonde, "No offense." 

 

"None taken?"  Even looked confused but didn't ask any further questions, busying himself with his phone. 

 

Isak took a break from his meal to acknowledge him, trying to remember some of his manners and swallow before speaking.  "He wants me to go to the party with him tonight." 

 

Even's phone went off and he started tapping away, not bothering to look up before responding.  "Oh, yeah – Isak's not gonna to do that.  He's gotta sleep and shower."   

 

"Thank you!" He looked back over at Wyatt, "See?  Important plans tonight." 

 

"It's becoming more and more clear how the two of you can look the way you do, and still have the social life equivalent to a tree." 

 

Isak went back to his Jerk chicken, "Hey now, that's not fair.  Trees are brimming with wildlife and a variety of ecosystems." 

 

"And that's my cue."  Wyatt pushed his chair out and grabbed his bottle with his protein concoction as he stood, looking down to face Isak.  "You know where to find me if you change your mind?"  Isak nodded, knowing he wouldn't – wondering why Wyatt seemed more disappointed than usual.  Wondering why he cared if he was. 

 

He looked over at Even who had put his phone down and appeared distracted. 

 

"Everything okay?" 

 

Even looked up at Isak, eyes taking a moment to focus on the person in front of him.  "Yeah, just some stuff back home."  He shrugged his shoulders, taking his fork and moving the salad around his plate.  And that was Isak's first red flag that something was wrong.  Even  _loved_  salads.  If it was green or categorized as a vegetable, then you could always find Even inhaling it.  He claimed it was the least he could do, since he wasn't very active or prone to have any real desire to be either, but Isak knew he was just a weird vegetable lover deep down. 

 

Isak, put his fork down and pushed the last portion of his Jamaican meal towards his friend.  "Here.  Eat." 

 

Even met Isak's gaze.  "Where did you get this?"  His face lighting up, not wasting any time before digging in. 

 

"Alecia made it for me because she knew I was working late tonight." Isak shrugged like it wasn't a big deal, but internally he was swelling at the thought – enjoying the special attention she had given him. 

 

Even looked back up and spoke with his mouth full, secretly making Isak glad that it wasn't just him who seemed to lose all sense of decorum while eating that meal. "Have you drugged everyone here?  Why is everyone obsessed with you?" 

 

"How dare you?  I'm charming as hell." 

 

Even swallowed his bite, reaching for his water bottle.  "Yeah, that's true.  Irritating, but true." 

 

Isak gave him a kick under the table.  "Ow! Okay, I'm kidding. Jeeze."  Even bent down slightly to rub at his shin. 

 

Satisfied, Isak reached across the table to Even's plate, grabbing the homemade croutons he knew Ramone had made earlier that day, and popping them into his mouth.  Even looked like he wanted to protest but kept silent instead while he finished off the meal Alecia had made. 

 

"So, I told Krista about me last night."  Isak had fallen asleep before Even returned back to their room, too tired from the evenings events to wait up and fill him in on his conversation with his sister. 

 

Even looked up from his phone.  "Oh yeah?"  Isak knew he was much more interested than he was letting on, but he was also too kind to push.   

 

Isak moved on to stealing the red bell pepper slices from Even's plate.  "Yeah, and I won't say I was worried for nothing, because it was hard to hear how broken she was over everything that had happened – but she's a 15 year old Yoda and much more aware and open minded than I was at that age - all things considered." He sighed.  "And it was a fucking relief and felt great." 

 

Even's face was proud and affectionate and addicting.  "That's great.  You're great."  He tilted his head slightly, "But Isak, if you take one more vegetable off my plate, I promise you that you're going to lose a hand." 

 

Isak's eyes widened at the sudden switch in endearments. "But Even, I'm being really brave right now and coming out.  You're supposed to be giving me special treatment."  He tried his best at faking offense. 

 

Even held his gaze.  "I'm so proud of you.  I actually really am."  And Isak could see that it was true.  "But you're gay Isak – you didn't just become a quadriplegic.  So, hands.  Off.  My.  Food." 

 

Isak slouched down slightly in his chair folding his arms across his chest.  "It is never more apparent that you were an only child for most of your life, like it is when it comes to sharing." 

 

"And most days it's hard to believe that you aren't the youngest out of your siblings when you throw tantrums." 

 

Isak stuck his tongue out at Even.  Even laughed. 

 

<><><> 

 

His lunch shift was almost over, and he was leaning against the bar talking to Even about their plans to go into town next week to do some shopping - Isak needed a proper pair of hiking boots and Even wanted to check out a specialty camera shop he had seen online – when Liz came over to bring some glasses behind the bar to be cleaned. 

 

"I just sat Breanna in your section."   

 

Isak turned around, and sure enough his now empty section of tables had one inhabitant.  He muttered a quick thanks, put in an order for a mimosa into the point of sale system, and walked back to the bar where Even had the drink already waiting for him in a slender glass. 

 

Breanna was Isak's only recurring customer that actually lived locally in Jackson.  She came in every Saturday afternoon – sometimes Sundays – and always ordered the same thing.  Started with a mimosa, followed by water, and then she would have the turkey club wrap.  Sometimes with a side salad, sometimes with a cup of French onion soup.  She never ordered dessert, always talked to Isak – making sure to ask about his sisters – and she always tipped double what she should.   

 

She was sort of the epitome of what you expected someone to look like out here.  A woman somewhere in her late 50's, (if he had to guess, and he probably shouldn't), with skin that was wrinkled from laughing and being in the sun, but eyes that were so alive they brought back an incredible amount of youth to her.  Her hair was long, falling down to her waist. Dark brown with silver, grey, and white woven throughout, and usually always worn in a braid.  Isak never saw her in anything but jeans, seeming to opt for comfort and convenience over anything else, but she was always impeccably put together – wearing cream colored cable knit sweaters or subtle tie dye blouses that you would expect on a wealthy hippie.  

 

 _Wealthy hippie?  Was that a thing?_    _Eh._  

 

Isak really enjoyed having her to serve.  She was the kind of person who asked about you and genuinely wanted to know the answer.  She was the wife of a pastor at a church in town, but she was always so serene.  And it was that small fact that made Isak so comfortable around her.  Certainly more comfortable then he would be with anyone else carrying around that label. 

 

She saw him approaching and immediately smiled up at him in the most caring of ways as he set her drink down. 

 

Isak also secretly loved how shameless she was about ordering an alcoholic beverage in public. 

 

"Isak!"  She exclaimed, her whole body lighting up with her words, voice deep and gravelly.  "How is my favorite boy?" 

 

He shook his head affectionately at her.  "There is no possible way I am your favorite boy." 

 

"Hush, of course you are.  I have three grown daughters and four granddaughters.  For whatever reason the good Lord decided I was going to spend my life surrounded by women – and then he brought me you.  So yes, you are my favorite boy." 

 

Isak could feel the heat warming up his cheeks as the blush filled his face without his permission. 

 

She took a sip from her glass, looking at him above the rim and grinning the entire time.   

 

"It's a good thing I'm off tomorrow.  I'm going to need the extra time to recover from all of your affection and sentiment.  You know you don't have to lay it on so thick?  You're already my favorite customer."  He reached over to fill her water goblet.  "Not sure how your daughters managed to live through it for all these years."     

 

"With a lot of eye rolls and  _'Mom, you're so embarrassing._ '."   

 

"Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate actually."  He winked at her, enjoying their exchange.  "What about the Mr.?  I'm sure he's a victim of your embarrassing endearments as well.  Does he roll his eyes through it too?" 

 

Taking another slow sip, she set her glass back down on the table.  "He reacts much the same way you do.  Pretends it doesn't affect him, but blushes to the high heavens and grins like a child on Christmas." 

 

Isak threw his head back so she couldn't see his pink cheeks.  "Ugh, I'm going to put your order in."  He turned around, making his way to the computer to tap in her order, still hearing her laughter from across the restaurant. 

 

- 

 

"So, are you really off tomorrow?'  Isak had just brought her lunch to her and was refilling her water as she spoke. 

 

"I am.  Why?  Are you asking me out Breanna?"  She lightly slapped his waist with the back of her hand, glaring at him from the corner of her eyes warmly. 

 

She dipped her spoon into her soup bowl.  "Well I suppose I am."  She said thoughtfully, not looking up from her bowl.  "I was planning on taking a hike on Lunch Tree Hill tomorrow around mid-morning.  And I'd be more than thrilled to have your company." 

 

He leaned his hip slightly against the table across from where she sat, eyeing her questioningly.  "Is that so?  Don't you have church tomorrow morning?"  He was being smug and he knew it, but there was no way the wife of a Pastor was going to miss a service.  Isak wasn't even sure that was allowed.   _Was it?_  

 

She sat up, blowing slightly on the steaming liquid as she did.  "I'm playing hookie tomorrow.  So, are you coming, or aren't you?"  And now she was the one with the smug smile. 

 

To say that Isak was surprised would be a bit of an understatement.  He schooled his features as much as possible, but if the way she was still staring at him with one eyebrow cocked upwards was anything to go by, he was sure she could tell that she had caught him off guard. 

 

He thought about her proposition for a moment.  Lunch Tree Hill wasn't a difficult hike at all, in fact it was probably the easiest in the park, and it had an incredible view of The Teton's from the base of the valley and you could always spot a heard of elk on the plains.  It was a good hike for beginners or for those looking for something more leisurely.  He wasn't worried about the difficulty of the activity or even if he would enjoy his time.   

 

But he was worried. 

 

Because when it came down to it, yes – he would like to spend the morning with Breanna.  It wasn't a surprise to anyone how fond he was of her or the mutual feelings and respect from each of them.  You'd have to be blind to miss that.  But, she wasn't just kind to Isak, she was unfailingly good to everyone who met her.  Always ready with a smile for whichever hostess was at the podium when she arrived.  Making sure to leave a separate, if not unnecessary, tip for Even because he made her ' _the best Mimosa in the West_ _'_ _._ Which only caused Even to laugh and remind her it was only two ingredients.  She'd even asked to speak to Ramone one afternoon after tasting his homemade Ranch dressing, making sure to lay the compliments on thick to the large, and some would say intimidating, man who turned into a big ball of mush under her words.  

 

She was kind and gentle and loving to everyone she met.  She couldn't help but exude a motherly and nurturing nature.  And although  _he_  understood the dynamics of their relationship, there was still that small hair-raising feeling in the back of his mind.   

 

So he had to ask. 

 

Clearing his throat as subtly as possible, "Uh, so would your husband be ok with you missing church?  I mean, um..." He brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck, studying the wood grain pattern on the table.  "Would he be ok with you being with me alone?"   

 

He felt dumb.  It shouldn't be this awkward to want to spend time with someone like Breanna, but he already fucked up once with someone who was married.  And while he knew that this was not the same situation in the least, the concerns still ran through his mind.  Not to mention, had he been back home, not only would this entire situation absolutely  _never_  happen – he would be ostracized further for even entertaining the idea of being alone with another married human being – no matter how improbable it was that anything outside of companionship would take place.   

 

It was dumb.  But this was his life now.  He made his bed, and all that shit. 

 

She reached over quietly and laid a gentle and wrinkled hand over his own, resting her palm to the back of his.  He didn't look up even as she addressed him.  "Gary would be over the moon to know I'd be spending my morning with you.  In fact, I'm sure he'll wonder why it's taken this long to begin with – what with how much I talk about you at home."  She waved her hand in the air wildly.  "At this point, he's wondered if I've adopted you without telling him." 

 

He felt a squeeze in his chest, but nothing painful or terrifying – it was a comfortable feeling that left him lighter.  He threw her half of a grin, making sure to meet her gaze this time. 

 

"Alright, I'll go.  You can stop begging."  

 

She smacked him on the waist again.  "Enough with you already."  But she was smiling and she was laughing and she was happy. 

 

"Now onto the more important matter."  She raised her empty glass, "Would you please inform Even that I think i'll take a second Mimosa today." 

 

Isak did not hide his shocked face, letting his jaw drop animatedly as he made his way to the bar to place her order. 

 

<><><> 

 

Isak really wasn't planning on going to the party tonight.  He really was just going to shower and be lazy in his room for the rest of the evening.  Probably end up stealing Even's laptop to watch a movie from his extensive library while also stealing from his stash of snacks, and maybe also stealing the Nike neon pink hoodie of his that fit so comfortably and had the downiest fabric on the underside it made you want to skip wearing a shirt altogether and just feel it against your skin. 

 

Actually, he stole a lot of things from Even.   

 

Isak spent maybe two seconds feeling guilty about it until he remembered the amount of laundry he did for the two of them, and also the charcoal Herschel beanie of Isak's that Even swears he hasn't seen.   

 

 _"Even, I can literally see it on you.  You're wearing it right now."_  

 

 _"Isak, I don't know what you're talking about.  I have no idea where your super soft, super comfortable, super nice beanie is.  But if I were to have taken it, it would probably be because it keeps my ears warm and covers up my long head, and also makes me look effortlessly cool."_  

 

 _"Right."_  

 

So suffice it to say, Isak wasn't too concerned about commandeering some of Even's belongings from time to time.  Not that it mattered tonight, because he somehow found himself at the party anyways.  Although since it had been a last-minute decision he was in a pair of soccer shorts and Even's pink hoodie.  He wasn't really planning on trying to impress anyone anyway. 

 

He only came because Matty accused him of isolating himself from the last three parties in favor of holing himself in his room to be a hermit.   

 

 _"Even comes out more than you.  Jesus Isak, get that cute ass into a tight pair of jeans so the world can thank you later."_  

 

 _"What are the chances of you not describing my ass as a gift to the world ever again if I come tonight?"_  

 

 _"Slim."_  

 

 _"Yeah, ok.  I'll come."_  

 

And that is how he found himself nursing his fourth beer of the night while he watched a crowd of people dancing and grinding in front of the corner he was standing against.  Matty had shown up for all of twenty-five minutes before sneaking out with the same mystery man he met at the marina recently.   

 

It's not that he didn't know anyone else there – he had seen Even walk in at some point, and if his tracking of him could be trusted, he was currently playing pool with a crowd across the room.  Alecia had seen him when he arrived earlier and had tried her hardest, albeit fruitlessly, to get him to do shots with her and her friends. His beer was good enough, starting to provide a slight buzz, and he felt like being an observer tonight.  If he started doing shots, it was likely he would become the attraction instead – and well, that wasn't really something anyone wanted. 

 

So while it would have been nice if Matty had stayed to keep him company, seeing as he all but guilted him into attending, Isak wasn't really too concerned about it.  He was enjoying himself well enough and felt calm even, despite the mass of people and the thundering vibrations from the music being pumped out of the array of speakers set up around the room.   

 

He lifted the lukewarm bottle of beer to his lips when he saw a familiar flash of royal blue out of the corner of his eyes.  Turning his head to get a better look, he saw Wyatt walking towards him, blue snapback on backwards, with a small smile that spoke more of disbelief than anything else.   

 

"This has got to be a mirage.  My mind has finally lost it.  My body is thirsting after Isak Valtersen so hard that it is finally just creating an illusion of him now."  Wyatt was leaning against the wall next to him now, bottle of tequila in his hand.  He took a long swig before wincing from the burn down his throat and offering the bottle to Isak.  He declined the liquor, lifting his beer up as a way to indicate he was already taken care of. 

 

"You are so damn dramatic. How do you manage to put that much effort into everything every day?" 

 

"You pull it out of me.  It's a natural instinct when I'm around you."  he turned towards Isak, his shoulder resting against the wall now, head bent just slightly to rest against it as well.  He was flirting.  And Isak didn't mind.  Instead he smiled and snatched the tequila out of his hand. 

 

"Ugh, shut up and give me this."  Before he could change his mind, he was sucking down a mouthful of the bitter liquid, sputtering slightly as it made its way down his throat.  He quickly chugged the rest of his beer to get rid of the unwanted feeling, chasing it away with the now flat drink.  "God, I hate tequila."  And then took one more swallow for good measure. 

 

Wyatt grabbed the bottle back, small grin on his face and eyes still on Isak.  He was starting to get a little dizzy, swaying slightly - symptoms from several beers and the sudden decision to have liquor – and maybe from the dark gaze Wyatt was sending his way.   

 

Probably just the alcohol though. 

 

His phone buzzed from the pocket in front of the hoodie he was wearing, distracting him from his slightly bewildered state.  He pulled it from its place and saw a text message from a number he didn't recognize 

 

 **____________________**  

 **Unknown Number**  

 

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind.  
It is an abomination.  
-Leviticus 18:22 

 

If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man  
as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act.  
They must both be put to death, for they are guilty  
of a capital offense.  
-Leviticus 20:13  

 

Now the works of the flesh are evident:  
adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness...  
Those who practice such things will not inherit the  
Kingdom of God.  
-Galatians 9:19 

 

Isak, you have disgraced your Lord and your church family.  
God will seek his vengeance on you for  
the sins you committed on Jason and his family.  
You are truly an abomination and will spend the  
rest of your days burning in the lake of fire for eternity. 

 

 **____________________**  

 

Isak stuffed the phone back in his pocket, turning towards the wall and leaning his forehead against it, eyes fixed on the floor.  He could feel himself spiraling, losing control.  His heart pounding against his ribs, threatening to escape altogether.  He didn't want this.  He needed to get a hold of himself.   

 

 _Breathe Isak.  Breathe._  

 

Somewhere the faint sound of music mixed with a voice – Wyatt's. 

 

"Hey, Isak – you okay?"  A gentle squeeze on his shoulder.  Isak wanted control.  He wanted to make decisions.  He wanted to be the authority in his life.   

 

 _They don't get to have power._  

 

Fuck them.  Fuck their god and fuck their hell.   

 

Taking advantage of the liquid courage, he twisted his body towards Wyatt, grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled. Pressed his lips to his and pushed against his chest.  Wyatt went stiff for a moment, pulling back slightly – crease in his brows.  "Isak," He looked back and forth between his eyes. "are you sure?" 

 

Isak lifted the hat from Wyatt's head and placed it on his own – backwards and cocked slightly to the side.  He leaned in and ran his tongue over Wyatt's bottom lip, slowly, before looking back at him and licking his own lips. "Yes.  Now kiss me." His voice low and hushed.  Wyatt's gaze shifted to Isak's mouth and he leaned in, pressing him against the wall gently, hands cupping the back of his neck and pulling his lips back towards him.   

 

Isak grasped at Wyatt's hips, clutching to the skin underneath his shirt and humming at the warmth now filling his face, mouth, neck, body.  Wyatt growled lowly and caught his bottom lip between his teeth, tugging and sucking as his hands roamed lower, pulling Isak impossibly closer. 

 

Isak's hands left the smooth skin of his hips and wrapped his arms around Wyatt's neck, panting as he felt Wyatt begin to roll his hips forward – grinding Isak into the wall and gasping at the friction and release of pressure.   

 

But Isak took control of the kiss again.  Tilting his head to slip his tongue into Wyatt's mouth, tasting him and rubbing his tongue with his own.  Humming at the taste of him and the heady feeling filling him up.  A combination of alcohol, lust, and the need to command something.  Anything. 

 

Wyatt's hands roamed further, slipping one in between their bodies and grazing over Isak's crotch, slow and hard. 

 

Panic replaced the warmth and Isak felt himself lose control again.  He pushed away the body in front of him – chest heaving, eyes watering and vision turning cloudy. 

 

"Don't touch me!"  He couldn't see, couldn't breathe.  "Don't touch me!" 

 

"Isak, shit.  I'm sorry."  A touch on his arm.  He shrunk back. It burned. 

 

"I said don't touch me!" 

 

The voice was gone.  His throat constricting.  He couldn't see.  Dread, fear, worry, darkness.   

 

"Don't touch me."  He wasn't yelling.  Couldn’t.  He was forcing the words out – escaping his mouth in a scratched whisper.  "Don't touch me.  Don't touch me.  Don't touch me." 

 

Another touch on his back.  "Don't touch me."  A hand on his neck, he couldn't see.  "Don't touch me." He was begging.  Pleading. 

 

The hand left.  He felt air rush over his face, moist and warm.  "I'm not gonna touch you Isak, but I'm right here."  The balmy air still touching his skin in waves. 

 

"I'm right here.  Breathe for me Isak."  His name.  He heard his name.  He breathed.  Closed his eyes and inhaled deeply and pushing it out forcefully and slow. 

 

"I'm right here, Isak.  Just keep breathing."  His name again.  The sound of it grounding.  

 

He breathed, feeling the vibrations from the party reappear and hum through him.  He opened his eyes.   

 

Even. 

 

"I'm right here.  I'm right here."  He could see.   

 

Even moved closer.  "Is it okay if I put my arm around you?"  He nodded.  Eyes never leaving his. 

 

He could see. 

 

Even pulled him into his side, squeezing slightly.  "Come on, let's go home." 

 

He just nodded.  Kept nodding like Even wouldn't agree without his explicit consent. 

 

He could see.  He could breathe. 

 

- 

 

They were laid out on Isak's bed – his head resting on the space between Even's shoulder and chest, face half buried into his shirt while Even's fingers ran through his hair, following the usual tug and curl motion he was beginning to associate with him.   

 

It was quiet now, Isak already going through a litany of apologies once he was aware what had happened, while Even all but force fed him water and insisted that apologies were the last thing that needed to be said. 

 

He didn't explain to Even what had happened – mainly because he was uncertain himself.  He did however mention that he initiated the touching with Wyatt.  Remembering Wyatt's face as Even walked him out – very real fear and worry all over his expression.   

 

He owed him an apology. 

 

Isak hated himself.  

 

"Can you do me a favor?"  Isak didn't move, didn't look up to try and meet Even's gaze.  Just whispered his question loud enough for Even to hear. 

 

"Hmm, probably."  Even didn't stop playing with Isak's hair.  Instead he lifted his left arm up and rested it under his head – settling in further to the bed. 

 

"Tell me something about you." 

 

"That's an ambiguous request Isak." His tone was light, almost humorous. 

 

"Tell me something personal.  I feel - honestly, I feel too exposed.  You know so much about me.  Not stupid things either.  You know the heavy shit."  He trailed off.  Truth be told it felt like an imbalance of power – which was dumb because he trusted Even.  Trusted him explicitly and knew deep down that he would never use any of his knowledge against Isak.  But knowing things and feeling them as truth were sometimes two different things, and right now fear was winning out. 

 

And Even being Even seemed to sense that.  He didn't question Isak's request or try to tell him he had nothing to worry about.  He was always validating, and not for the first time it made Isak wonder what he did to deserve this. 

 

He was quiet for a couple moments and Isak listened to his breaths, deep and even, while his head rose and sunk with him. 

 

"The reason I left home to come travel and do seasonal work over a year ago is because I was engaged and my fiancé called it off." 

 

Isak didn't know what he was expecting, but this wasn't it.   

 

"My parents have made quite a name for themselves in the northeast, particularly the state of New York.  They are well off and most of their social circle is the same."  Isak stayed quiet as Even continued, not missing how Even called his parents wealthy and didn't place himself under that label. 

 

It was a very  _Even_  thing to do. 

 

"I was in freshman year of college when I met Sonja and it turned out her father was an old colleague of my dad's and they were working together on some project at the time, so we had more reason to see one another outside of campus life."  He shifted his arm so he could reach the hairs behind Isak's ears.  "Her father is a phycologist with a practice on the Upper West side of the city and I was going to school for child psychology - "   

 

Isak interrupted and looked up.  "Wait, what?  Seriously?" 

 

Even just shrugged.  "Yeah, why?" 

 

Isak nestled back into Even, "I don't know.  I guess I just assumed you went to school for photography.  You never mentioned psychology." 

 

"I did go to school for photography.  Well, I minored in it actually.  Anyways, Sonja and I dated for the four years of pre-grad before I proposed.  Which was definitely very young, but I was planning for a long engagement.  I still had post grad to get through and still hadn't decided if I wanted to go further with my doctorate after that.  After grad school, Sonja's dad offered me a job in his practice with the expectation that I would do my doctorate while there, and that wasn't something I could promise.  I had worked as a freelance photographer through school and met some incredible contacts and was considering pursuing that further for a while."  Even stilled for a bit before exhaling loudly.  "Anyways, long story short Sonja wasn't interested in being shackled to an artist or anything that didn't really live up to her expectation of what her life should look like.  She was used to a certain caliber of living, and as a photographer with no real prestige or clout, I couldn't promise her that.  So she ended things with us and moved out of our apartment the next day.  I was humiliated and hurt that she could throw away seven years away so quickly and flippantly.  It was painful to think that I was so easily discarded."  Isak heard the tiniest crack in Even's voice, and his chest constricted.  "So I found someone to sublet my apartment until the lease was up and I moved to Colorado." 

 

They let the silence hang in the room.  The air was thick with emotion and it was beginning to make Isak uncomfortable.  Yes, he had invited this discomfort when he asked Even to share something personal, but he wasn't expecting to hear about his heartache that still seemed so fresh.  And Isak would take all of the hurt and discomfort in the world if it meant that the ones he loved didn't have to feel it. 

 

 _Loved?_   Well, I guess we're at that point now. 

 

Desperate to change the subject, Isak tilted his head up so he was looking at Even's chin.  "Even, how  _old_  are you?" 

 

Even looked down, causing several double chins to form.  "I turn 27 next month." 

 

"Oh my god, you're so old!" 

 

Even lifted his head and shoulders up further, mouth hung open in shock as he pulled Isak's hair tightly, causing the younger boy to cry out in protest, unable to be taken seriously as laughter bubbled out of him. 

 

"I'm old?!"  Even was sitting up now.  "Well, let me take these old bones and old fingers to my bed now.  They are much too old to be threading through the mop of hair on your head." 

 

He started to get up and Isak tried to cage him in with his legs and arms but Even was too fast and was already in the middle of their room by the time Isak sat up properly, swaying a bit from moving too quickly and his body still trying to sober up from the evening's events. 

 

He was still laughing and trying to catch his breath.  "I'm sorry.  It's just that I didn't know I was living with the elderly.  Do you have a life alert bracelet?  Do you take blood pressure medication daily?  How's your fiber intake?" 

 

And that was the last thing Isak remembers before the world went black from a pillow being thrusted at his head. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 I love these boys so much <3  
> (If there is anything I am not tagging properly, please let me know)  
>  **Tumblr:**  
> [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She started walking back onto the trail. "Now let's talk about Even." 
> 
>  He put on his hiking pack and caught up with her, lifting the canteen to his mouth and taking a swig. "What about him?" 
> 
>  "How long has he been in love with you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all! This chapter had me by my non-existent balls!  
> Most difficult chapter for me to get through for many reasons, but I made it.
> 
> I know I talk about Jamz24 every chapter - but I am telling you, I could NOT have gotten through this without her technical eye and overall superior brain.
> 
> And while we are at it, Skamsnake (my Beta-Beta) managed to hold my hand through this from 5,000 miles away - showering me with encouragement the entire time.  
> (Do I have a praise kink? Maybe. Is she biased? Definitely.)
> 
> Moral of the story kids - Don't leave home without your Beta.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Non-consensual sex acts.

****CHAPTER SIX

 

> **_THEN_ **
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> It was supposed to have gotten easier.  It  _should_ have been easier by now - but it wasn't.  What was the point of ending the entire affair with Jason if it didn't actually end?   
> 
>  
> 
> Isak flushed the toilet, wiping the spit and vomit from his mouth before standing in front of the sink to rinse away the bitter taste.  This had become his life now.  Every morning his stomach insisted on emptying its contents – even when there was nothing to empty.  At night he was reduced to a puddle on his floor in the fetal position - clutching his abdomen as sharp and hot excruciating pains seared through him, lasting for hours at a time while he remained crumbled in physical agony - some nights passing out for undetermined amounts of time due to the pain. 
> 
>  
> 
> He was losing weight rapidly – but he had no appetite.  Just drinking a glass of water was an effort and often still resulted in him being sick.  His wardrobe consisted of clothes that were too big and whatever hats he could get his hands on - because every time he took a shower a new clump of hair fell out. 
> 
>  
> 
> Isak wasn't an idiot.  He could see the physical repercussions of his emotional and mental state manifesting in an ill body.  But what was he supposed to do?  Talk to someone?  Admit his shame and guilt and put this heavy burden onto someone else?  No.  These were his choices.  Decisions he made - therefore he had to live with the consequences. 
> 
>  
> 
> And that's why he didn't let himself cry today after their church wide staff meeting where Jason kept staring at him from across the conference table while sending him messages on his laptop throughout the entire meeting. 
> 
>  
> 
> **_Jason:_ ** **_11:43 am_ **  
> 
> _Why would you wear those jeans?_  
> 
> _I told you this was over, but you can't help flaunting yourself at me, can you?_  
> 
>  
> 
> Isak tried to pay attention to the brainstorming session going on in front of him, but the message window kept popping up on his screen. 
> 
>  
> 
> **_Jason: 11:44 am_ **  
> 
> _Did you ever even think about how this would affect me when you started this?_  
> 
> _I'm married, Isak. But you had to throw yourself at me anyway._  
> 
>  
> 
> Isak squirmed in his seat a little, feeling the warmth begin to creep up into the center of his stomach.  A sign that those menacing pains were making their way back to him. 
> 
>  
> 
> **_Jason: 11:48 am_ **  
> 
> _It's so easy for you, isn't it?_  
> 
> _You walk around with a Jezebel spirit because you know that's who you are._  
> 
> _It's one thing if you want to live your life as someone who is only ever worth fucking. But, you're causing the rest of us to stumble._  
> 
> _You are an obstacle in our path._  
> 
> _The darkness we have to fight to shine our light in_ _._  
> 
>  
> 
> Isak closed his computer shut and excused himself quietly, rushing to the bathroom – which is currently where he finds himself.  He closes his eyes and forces himself to take long deep breaths.  Hoping that the exercise will relax his muscles and keep the pain at bay for a little while longer. 
> 
>  
> 
> He gathers his things and makes his way to his office, ready to head home and finish working from his bedroom for the rest of the day. Anything to get out of this building and away from his demons.   
> 
>  
> 
> He's out of breath when he pushes the door open to his office and his heart quickens with dread when he sees Jason waiting for him in his chair.  The heat in his stomach begins to spread, small stabbing pains causing his muscles to clench as the spasms begin. 
> 
>  
> 
> He puts his head down and begins to stuff his bag with anything he will need to finish his work day at home.   
> 
>  
> 
> "I'm not feeling well, so I'm gonna take it easy at home for the rest of the day."  He doesn't look up at Jason but can hear him as he gets up from the chair.  Can feel him as he approaches Isak from behind. 
> 
>  
> 
> Steeling himself and working on keeping a relaxed face, Isak stands up straight as he throws the strap to his bag over his shoulder.  He feels Jason's breath on the back of his neck, and now he can't move.  Paralysis taking over as it inches from his shoulders downward and crawls through his body, reaching the rest of his extremities.  It's painful in the way that it is just another sensation his body has to take on. 
> 
>  
> 
> He is stuck in this place.  Feet cemented to the ground, hands shaking involuntarily just like everything else in his life, and his brain screaming at him to run.  But he doesn't.  He remains planted where he is while Jason snakes his arm around his waist, hand trailing down as he presses his palm in between his legs, squeezing as he pushes the rest of his body against Isak's back – forcing Isak to feel everything.   
> 
>  
> 
> He feels Jason's erection as he moves against him – hard and twitching with every shift.  He feels the heat of his body as it radiates off of skin, damp with sweat from his exertion.  He feels the vibrations from his quiet moans as they run over his neck, causing his skin to rise in small goose bumps, small hairs doing the same. 
> 
>  
> 
> Jason's breathing becomes more ragged and heavy as he palms at Isak, rubbing himself on his backside and breathing warm wet air into Isak's ear. 
> 
>  
> 
> Isak can feel his body react to Jason's movements - his jeans tightening as he grows harder beneath the stiff fabric, and he begins to shake with the effort it takes not to cry.  Not to scream out in self-hatred and shame.   
> 
>  
> 
> Jason lets out an unsteady groan as his body trembles from his release, Isak feeling the dampness seep through on his backside.  He bites down on his lip, drawing blood – but unable to do anything else except wish he could inflict more pain on himself at the moment – knowing his body will do it for him eventually. 
> 
>  
> 
> Jason moves back slowly, making his way towards the door as he rearranges himself crudely in front of Isak. 
> 
>  
> 
> "Shit Isak!  Look what you did!" He's glaring at Isak with eyes that seem wild and gone.   
> 
>  
> 
> Isak squeezes his eyes shut, bites down on his lip harder and tries to count his breaths.  He hears the creak from the hinges on the doors as Jason exits the room.   
> 
>  
> 
> His eyes open, his body relaxes enough for him to move and he runs to his car. 
> 
>  
> 
> A few minutes later, he will pull over on the side of the road when the stomach pains become too overwhelming for him to drive, and he spends the next hour and a half curled up in the front seat of his car letting it take over himself. 
> 
>  
> 
> _This is your fault.  You did this to yourself._  
> 
>  
> 
> He doesn't cry. 

 

_**NOW** _

 

"Did you know that sagebrush used to be called  _Cowboy Cologne_?"  They were sitting on a fallen log at the end of the trail while Breanna held a camera to her eye as she spoke to him, snapping pictures of a herd of elk about 50 yards away. 

 

Isak looked over at one of the muted green bushes in front of him – smelling the woodsy spice from where he sat and thinking about how much Ollie would love a candle with that scent. 

 

"Really?"  He took in a deep breath, letting his lungs fill with the crisp air and enjoying the immediate feeling of relaxation as he did. 

 

They had started their hike twenty minutes ago, stopping frequently so both of them could take pictures of the wildlife and landscape – Isak with his phone and Breanna with her much more superior camera.  The trail was a short one, but neither of them were in a rush, taking their time and enjoying the unseasonably warm temperature of 77 degrees.  There wasn't a cloud to be seen and the air was dry and crisp, reminding Isak of his need for water.  He reached over to his hiking pack and grabbed his canteen, pulling several gulps before sealing it back and setting it down.  He wasn't nearly as hung over as he should have been considering his alcohol intake the night before, and he wasn't interested in taking any chances, so he made sure to keep himself hydrated.   

 

He let out a silent chuckle as he remembered Even's proud and smug look this morning as he packed his water, being sure to drink a full bottle before he left to meet Breanna at the lodge.  He really could be insufferable sometimes.  

 

"When ranch hands used to be out on the trails for long periods of time, they would take the leaves and rub them on themselves before going back into town.  It helped mask the smell of sweat and body odor from days of working in the sun and not being able to bathe."  She clicked a few more photos before letting the camera rest against her chest as it hung from its strap.  She gestured to him, "Try it yourself." 

 

Isak balked at that.  "I can't!  We're in the national park.  I'd be fined if they saw me picking at those." 

 

She gave him an exasperated look.  "I don't see any park rangers around, do you?"  He shook his head in defiance, and with an irritable sigh she reached over towards the plant beside her and pulled a few pines from a stem, grabbed his wrist and smeared the plant on his hand and arm before rubbing the left over on hers as well. 

 

"Breanna!  You just broke the law."  His shock was wearing down as he inhaled the perfume from the plant on his skin.   

 

"Oh Isak, for crying out loud, I didn't destroy the ecosystem of the park." She dismissed him with a wave of her hand.  "If anything, I enhanced your wellbeing.  The aroma of sage helps ease stress and anxiety."  She looked him up and down.  "And you look like you can use some of that right now." 

 

Isak tried to seem affronted.  "Are you trying to tell me I look bad?" 

 

Her face softened, but her tone remained insistent.  "I'm telling you that you should relax.  And if you can't, that it's okay to seek assistance in order to be able to." 

 

He looked away, but he could still feel her stare boring into the side of his face.  Instead he focused his attention on the mountains in front of him.  This place had a way of taking every bit of alone time you had and turning it into a deep exploration of self.  It was the magnitude of the mountains and the grandeur of everything around you.  It was hard to ignore and it was breathtaking.  It made you feel small but in the best ways possible.  Knowing that there was more to life than the insignificant worries of your own small world.   

 

"I had a rough night last night.  Ingested a mix of beer and tequila with an added touch of bad decisions.  It wasn't my proudest moment."  Breanna was easy to be honest with.  Despite her role as the wife of a pastor, he never felt judged by her. 

 

"Hmm.  Well I'm impressed you even bothered coming out on a hike with a hangover then.  My company can't be that desirable." 

 

He laughed, relaxing again.  "I actually don't feel that bad.  Even made me drink two bottles of water before going to bed.  And this isn't exactly the worse way to spend my morning."  He looked over at her and nudged her slightly with his shoulder. 

 

She hummed, nudged him right back with a knowing smile.  "Even, huh?" 

 

He decided to ignore the weird tone in her statement.  "Yeah.  He and I are roommates.  Did I tell you that?"  She shook her head no, humor never leaving her eyes.  "Anyway, at some point he made it his mission in life to keep me hydrated.  And I'd like to be annoyed with him for the excessive mothering, but really it's worked out to my benefit." 

 

She looked like she wanted to ask about that further but surprised him instead.  "So, what bad decisions were made last night?" 

 

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and watching three elk graze out in the distance in front of him.   

 

"Did you know I used to work in ministry?"  He ignored her question and she let him.  So he continued.  "Of course you didn't.  I never told you."  He kicked at the dirt, drawing a line in the ground with the toe of his shoe.  "I grew up in the church my whole life.  Was serving in ministry as a kid and teenager until I was offered a job in it as well.  And I took it immediately, because you don't turn down an offer from Calvary Center Church."  His voice was dripping with mockery at the name of his former employer.  Lowering his voice in self-deprecation as he said, "And you certainly don't turn down an offer to  _fulfill your calling_." 

 

She interrupted him. "Calvary Center?  The one in Florida?" 

 

He nodded, unsurprised that she knew what he was talking about.  It really was a massive organization.  Staff members with book deals and albums on Christian radio stations all over the country.  People would travel to the state just to attend a service there.  The more Isak thought back on it now, the more parallels he could make to idolatry.  The whole thing was a production and it sickened him to think about the amount of people who were fooled by its show. 

 

"The very one.  I helped run the youth department.  Did it for 5 years before I moved here." 

 

And that's when Isak felt it.  Like that feeling when someone is staring at you when you're in a crowd of people but can't pinpoint the source.  It was like that.  It was warm like a blush creeping up your skin.  Something in the air shifted and he looked over at her, clear eyes staring back – thoughtful and full of emotion.   

 

 _She knew_. 

 

He looked back out at the mountains.  The family of elk had moved on and the only disturbance of the view was from a hawk flying lowly around in lazy circles. 

 

"How did you know?"  He finally asked.  He could hear her shift next to him.  The sound of a lens cap being replaced on her camera.   

 

"Well I didn't.  At least I didn't know it was you until just now and I put it together." His knee started bouncing in anxious anticipation.  "Gary showed me the press release last night.  He had received it through a newsletter from a ministry he used to be a part of.  A collective of pastors from across the country whose aim is to plant churches in the west."  She paused and he knew the shoe was about to drop.  "Daniel Clark is the founder of the ministry." 

 

And there it was.  Daniel Clark.  Jason's father.  No matter where he went and what he tried to do, this family and his shame were going to follow him.   

 

"Gary showed it to me because it all seemed like a load of crap to be honest."  Isak nearly gave himself whiplash with the speed in which he turned his head to look at the woman next to him.  She ignored his blatant surprise.  "Gary removed himself from the organization a few years ago when Daniel was accused of sexual misconduct by some minors in the church.  Not only would he not allow himself to be associated with the project, but we were both disgusted by the victim blaming and the way the church handled the entire situation.  It was exploitation and a gross misuse of power and leadership." 

 

Isak snorted at that.  Everything that family did seemed to be a misuse of power. 

 

"And when he read that statement made by Jason, it only helped validate his decision to sever ties with Daniel."  She carefully scooted over on the log and took his hand.  The gesture was intimate, and he didn't feel as if he deserved it.  Would she touch him if she really understood everything?   

 

"Isak." She broke through his thoughts with a firm tone.  "There is no way that the words that were said in that statement did anything but scapegoat his own issues onto someone else."  

 

He could feel his entire body tense up.   _That's not true.  I_ _deserved it.  All of it._    

 

She squeezed his hand tighter. "Isak look at me."  He couldn't.  Because there's nothing like a healthy amount of shame and humiliation to remind you that you haven't earned the right to look someone in the eyes.   

 

"Isak." she repeated, her voice unrelenting.   

 

He slowly turned his head to face her, eyes still trained downwards.  She brought a hand to his chin and tilted his head up gently until he was meeting her eyes.  "I know there are people – many of them – who will read his words and agree with everything inside of them.  That is the unfortunate world we live in.  People putting their blind trust in something so deeply, out of fear of what they don't understand, that they are willing to be led to slaughter like the sheep that they are."  Her eyes narrowed, hazel irises darkening as she continued.  "But Isak you need to listen to me and hear me when I say that anyone who truly has any understanding of what it means to be Christ-like will be able to read right through that bullshit." 

 

He wanted to believe her.  She spoke with so much conviction that he wasn't' even phased by the curse word she just uttered.  But the reality was that she didn't know everything.  She didn't know the truth.  She didn't know how he allowed himself to take part in that sin.  She didn't know that he willingly went with everything Jason offered.  That he threw himself at him.  She didn’t know, and if she did – she wouldn't be saying these words to him right now, much less touching him.  

 

"It doesn’t matter." He muttered.  "He was married and I knew that."   

 

"Mmm, that's true."  She looked up at the sky, taking his whole arm in hers and holding it in her lap.  "But is that the first mistake you've made in your life?" 

 

He let out a humorless laugh at her question.  "Of course not."   

 

"It's not going to be your last either Isak.  I promise you.  And you're smart enough to know that on your own.  But life isn't about the choices we make, but what we learn afterwards. It's a cliché, but clichés exist for a reason."  She turned over his hand, lacing her fingers with his and placed her other hand on top of their clasped ones.  

 

"James 3:1 says  _'Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know he who teach will be judged more strictly.'_   And the prophet Timothy says  _'Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife...able to teach._ '" Hearing her recite scripture felt soothing, and not the sharp stab to the chest it felt like last night when he read the anonymous texts.  "You _knew_ he was married Isak, but so did he.  And as a leader in his position in ministry he has no place to lay blame but on himself." 

 

"But I'm gay."  He uttered quietly. A last-ditch effort to make her understand exactly how wrong he had been, dropping his head down onto her shoulder in shame and ready for the change in sentiment.  How many sins could she actually forgive him after all? 

 

"Me too."   _What?_ She must have sensed his question, because he was too stunned to voice it aloud.  "Well I'm bisexual.  Queer?" She waved her hand around the air dismissively.  "Who knows really, I haven't put a label to it.  I'm certainly not straight though.  Just ask my two ex-girlfriends before meeting Gary." 

 

He shook his head.  Everything was spinning.  Nothing was making sense.  He sat up and took his hand from her lap – all of a sudden feeling very fidgety.   

 

"I don’t - but - ?"   

 

"Cup your hands in front of your mouth and take deep breaths."  She pushed his hands in front of his face for him and he inhaled the scent of the sage, willing his mind to relax while she continued. 

 

"I could go on and give you an entire lecture on the theology of it all, but I've a feeling you're a little sick of that sort of thing anyway.  It boils down to faith  _and_  common sense.  And contrary to popular belief, faith doesn't mean blind trust in those in power above you.  I believe in God.  I believe that on Sunday's when Gary gets up in front of our congregation to speak that he is teaching something that he believes the Lord has spoken to him.  But he is human.  And while he is a tool in ministry, he is  _not_  God.  When Gary speaks, I am hearing his interpretation of lessons he's learned and the scriptures he's read.  Just like the men that wrote the Bible – those are interpretations of their own experiences based on the society at that time.  The Bible is not a text book and certainly not something that should be taken literally – it was written by humans Isak.  So I have  _faith_  that God exists and that he uses people and situations to teach us things, but I have  _common sense_  to know that not everything applies to me, and certainly not always literally." 

 

He took a few more deep breaths before he let his hands fall back on his lap.  What was he supposed to say to all of this?  His world felt like it was tipping on its axis every day.  If it wasn't the act of being outed publicly, then it was having the wife of a pastor tell him he wasn't the unclean and shameful mess he believed himself to be.  Overwhelmed seemed to be the adjective of the fucking week for him.  Too much had happened and he still hadn't had the time to process all of it alone.  So he remained silent.  There was nothing he could properly respond with right now anyway. 

 

Breanna stood up, picking up her walking staff with her,  _(because of course she had one)_ , and stretched her arm out to him.  "Come on.  I'm hungry.  Lunch at the restaurant.  My treat."  And just like that, their discussion was over. 

 

He let her help him up, and before he could think too hard about it he enveloped her in a hug.  She was quite a bit shorter than he was but she wrapped her arms around his back and squeezed just as tightly.   

 

"Thank you." He whispered into her hair.   

 

She pulled back and looked up at him, wrinkled skin softening as she reached up and cupped his cheek.  "Thank  _you_ , Isak."   

 

She started walking back onto the trail.  "Now let's talk about Even." 

 

He put on his hiking pack and caught up with her, lifting the canteen to his mouth and taking a swig.  "What about him?" 

 

"How long has he been in love with you?" 

 

Isak started sputtering, water flying out of his mouth and nose as he tried to regain control of his breaths through the sudden fit of choking. 

 

<><><> 

 

The sun was beginning its descent behind the mountains, coloring the sky in warm hues and slowly taking with it the warmth from the day.  After lunch Isak took a walk around Colter Bay, allowing himself to reflect more on his time with Breanna.   The realization that someone halfway across the country was privy to his life from back home without his say-so was terrifying at first.  When he realized that Breanna was aware of what he had been a part of he had the urge to flee – not just his hike with her but the entire state.  His fight or flight response was in full operation and everything in him at that moment had been screaming to get the hell out of there.   

 

But now, after ruminating over it all, he felt some calm.  Little by little the new people in his life were breaking down his walls and resolve and making him believe that maybe one day he would be worth it.  Worth love, worth sacrificing for.  Worth living.  His thoughts had been dark, that was certain, but the terror that had accompanied it was slipping and he was too relieved to do anything but welcome the reprieve. 

 

He turned the corner and made his way to the marina.  Being the end of the day, he knew most of the guests would be coming off the water and heading back to their cabins to prepare for dinner.  He was counting on the quiet and glad when he rounded onto the pebbly shore to see only one body bent over pulling in the last of the kayaks and roping them off for the evening.   

 

He moved towards the person, clearing his throat as he approached to announce his presence.  They straightened up, revealing the familiar blue snapback, before turning around to look in the direction the noise had come from. 

 

The surprise on Wyatt's face was expected, and after contemplating Isak for a moment, he dropped the rope he had been holding and stuffed his hands into his pockets. 

 

"Hey."  His expression quickly changed to worry and the unsure quality in his voice was foreign.   

 

"Hey back."  Isak replied as he finished approaching Wyatt.  Stopping directly in front of him, a scant too much in his personal space, but he didn't care. He wanted to make sure he was heard and understood. 

 

"Listen Isak, I'm so - "  

 

Isak lifted his hand to interrupt him and Wyatt nodded, looking down.  The only sound was the soft slosh of the water as the lake lapped against the shore and the posts of the dock next to them.  He squinted his eyes up at the sky for a moment.  Considering his words before he spoke.  

 

"Last night was weird."  Wyatt straightened himself, walls immediately going up as he seemed to prepare himself for what he deemed the worst possible scenario.  Isak could see how much of his confidence was a necessary projection out of fear and rejection.  And Isak understood that deeply.  Hadn't he been doing the same thing his whole life? 

 

"Let me start over." He takes a breath, exhaling slowly.  "I'm sorry for taking advantage of you last night."  At those words, Wyatt's shoulders tensed up and his eyes told Isak he had a thousand questions.  "Last night when I kissed you, I wasn't in a great head-space.  I had just read a message that scared and hurt me."  He looked out at the lake, remembering the words from the anonymous text. 

 

 _'You are truly an abomination and will spend the rest of your days burning in the lake of fire for eternity.'_  

 

He shook the words out of his head and looked back over at Wyatt who was staring at him wide eyed and worried.   

 

"It made me feel out of control and I wanted to take that back somehow, and you were there.  I shouldn't have done what I did and I'm sorry." 

 

Wyatt shifted his weight from one foot to the other, taking in Isak's words. 

 

"This is weird."  And Isak couldn't agree more.  "I'm still sorry though."  He took in a breath, his shoulders rising and falling with the action.  "I know I've come on strong, but If I ever thought for a minute that it was something that made you uncomfortable I would have never continued." 

 

He shook his head emphatically.  "Wyatt, I know.  Honestly, it's okay.  It wasn't like I haven't been enjoying the attention.  And for me, the part that was weird wasn't the panic attack – although that wasn't exactly a welcome response – but it was that..."  He paused for a moment as he stuffed his own hands in his pocket, mirroring the man in front of him and digging up the courage to continue his train of thought.  "Last night was the first time I kissed a man because I really wanted to and I hate that it's shrouded in this emotional and mental shit I'm trying to deal with.  Because I  _did_  want it, but then my body betrayed me and it's become more confusing than exciting." 

 

He paused before quietly adding, "And I want it to be exciting." 

 

He chanced a glance at Wyatt who was slowly allowing a small smile to play on his face.  And Isak preferred this look on him much more than the insecure and worried expression he was wearing just moments before. 

 

"You know what's weird for me?" 

 

Isak shook his head. 

 

"That I like you."  Wyatt winced, looking like he almost regretted the words. 

 

"Uhh -" 

 

"That came out weird.  I'm just saying that – look, it's no secret that I like casual sex.  I'm not hiding it and I certainly don't stop people from projecting that image of me – no matter how exaggerated it becomes.  And when I first saw you, I just planned on getting you in bed a couple of times.  But god dammit Isak, you're cool as shit and somewhere along the lines I started crushing on you like I was twelve again." 

 

He threw his head back and scrubbed both hands over his face at his admission, letting out a low growl of regret. 

 

Isak smirked, letting himself enjoy the warm feeling of another man's affections for a moment.  This was okay.  There wasn't anything wrong with this, but he knew he needed to be honest with Wyatt as well. 

 

"I think - actually I wish I was in a different place mentally right now.  Because you're cool as shit too."  He looked down and kicked lightly at Wyatt's ankle in an effort to express some affection comfortably. 

 

Wyatt tilted his head upwards, staring at the sky.  "And this is where the 'but" comes in." 

 

He nodded.  " _But_ , having a panic attack when someone touches you when you want to be touched?  That isn't normal.  I can't make sense of much else, but I can make sense of that." He waits for Wyatt to look back towards him.  "And if I have any hope of wanting to one day have a normal romantic life then I should probably figure that out first." 

 

He runs a hand through his hair at his admission.  "Fuck, I just came out this week.  I think I should let that settle a bit first, ya know?" 

 

Wyatt laughed, the sound echoing off of the lake and bringing some much needed lightness to the mood.  "Damn Isak, even being rejected by you is endearing as hell." 

 

Isak grimaced a little, "Well I wouldn't say endearing.  That makes me sound cute and childlike. I think I'm more manly and sexy than anything really." 

 

Wyatt bent over to pick up the rope he had dropped earlier and set off to finish tying up the remaining kayaks he had previously abandoned.   

 

"No, I had it right before.  Endearing.  Adorable.  Cute.  Those are all great words to describe you." 

 

Isak kicked at a pebble as he grumbled to himself.  "You're saying sexy wrong." 

 

Wyatt made his way back to him and threw an arm around his shoulder.  "I was gonna head back to the village and play some pool.  You game?" 

 

Isak conceded and nodded his agreement, taking Wyatt's snapback off and placing it on his own head as they both made their way towards home. 

 

"You know, I'm a little relieved that your rejection was because you feel fucked up." 

 

"That - that feels like a backhanded compliment, but go on?" 

 

Wyatt released Isak's shoulders twisted the snapback slightly to the side on Isak's head.  "No, I don't mean that I'm glad you have any issues to begin with.  I was just sure that if there was ever a reason you would really turn me down it would be because of Even." 

 

"That seems out of left field."   

 

"If it does, then you're the only one who thinks so." 

 

Isak rolled his eyes.  "Whatever.  Get me home, it's getting cold." 

 

"Such a grumpy baby!" 

 

"I'm regretting everything."   

 

<><><> 

 

Isak was exhausted that evening when he got back to his room, ready to collapse on his bed – clothes still on if that's what it took.  He opened the door to find Even sitting up on his bed, back to Isak, as he edited some photos on his laptop.  Dropping his hiking pack by his dresser, he threw his body unceremoniously across his mattress, smothering his face into the duvet with a relaxed groan. 

 

There's a click and rustling sound as Even shuts his laptop and shuffles around.  "How was your hike with Breanna?  I didn't see you at dinner tonight." 

 

Isak turns over onto his back and shuffles up to prop his head on his pillows so he can look at his roommate.   

 

"The hike was good.  I got a few Insta worthy pictures I think.  Although not near your caliber of work."  He throws a wink in Even's direction, aiming for a blush in his reaction. 

 

Even snorts and shakes his head fondly as Isak continues.  And yeah, that works too.   

 

"I didn't eat at the EDR tonight." He continues.  "Wyatt and I picked some wraps up from the General Store before playing pool most of the evening.  That's actually where I just came from.  And if you're wondering – I'm terrible at pool.  Don't let me get drunk and challenge anyone.  Ever." 

 

The room is silent.  Isak had been expecting Even to laugh and roast him on his constant need to prove he is the best at things he is clearly not any good at, but he is met with quiet.  Curiosity gets the best of him, lifting his head up slightly to get a better look at Even whose forehead is wrinkled with a furrowed brow and looking down at his lap while he fidgets with the string on his sweatpants. 

 

"So, you and Wyatt- you're cool then?  Everything's fine?" 

 

Isak plops his head back onto the pillows and sighs.  "Yeah.  We talked earlier.  I apologized.  He told me he had feelings for me, which – did you know that?  I don't know, it was weird but it felt nice to hear."  Isak closes his eyes and thinks about how he wishes he wasn't so fucked up, because pursuing Wyatt seems like something he would really like to do.  So he says as much.   

 

"I was upfront with him too – told him that if things were different and the timing wasn't so shitty, then maybe..." He trails off when he hears Even's mattress squeak from a weight shift.  

 

Isak looks over at his phone and sees it's nearly ten.  "Where are you headed?" 

 

Even was shoving his feet into some shoes and grabbing his bomber jacket from the hook before he absently answered Isak.  "I just remembered I was supposed to check something at the restaurant."  He fumbles with his phone and wallet looking more preoccupied than anything.  "I need to place an order this week, so I should double check the inventory on our wines. So..." 

 

Isak wanted to mention that that was obviously something he could do the next time he was on the clock, but Even didn't really seem to be focused on much at the moment.  In fact, he muttered a quick  _'bye'_ and was out the door before Isak could say anything at all. 

 

The room was eerily quiet and the whole ordeal left Isak feeling a little cold.  He wanted to talk to Even a little more about his time with Breanna.  He wanted to fill him in on the entirety of his conversation with Wyatt.  He wanted to spend time with Even and hear his words of encouragement and pride.  Because Isak knew that Even gave those to Isak freely, and if he was being honest with himself, he looked forward to those moments and basked in the adoration.  Maybe he was being a brat – but he wanted Even's attention right now, and the fact that he was hoping and looking forward to it and absolutely did  _not_  receive it felt like a gross loss. 

 

He thought back to Breanna's words from earlier; ' _How long has he been in love with you?_ _',_  and the implication from Wyatt that Even would play any part in Isak's decisions in his romantic life – well if they could be flies on the wall now.   

 

Did Isak think that Even loved him?  Sure.  Why not?  He had called him his best friend, and you hardly give that title to someone you don't care for.  But  _in love_?  Absolutely not.  That's like saying his relationships with Jonas and Ollie could ever be anything more than platonic.  It just wasn't a possibility. 

 

For the life of him, Isak will never understand people's obsession with needing to romantically pair up good friends.  He's seen firsthand how that sort of meddling can ruin friendships.  And he likes to be able to give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to knowing their own minds.  Live and let live, for Christs sake. 

 

The reality is that Breanna has never seen them interact outside of work, and it would be easy to interpret their easy banter and working relationship as something more than it was if you weren't accustomed to knowing the real dynamics of their relationship.  So, when it came down to it, Breanna was an innocent bystander pouring her motherly meddling energy into Isak.  Nothing more. 

 

Wyatt though?  Isak didn't really know where his understanding came from.  Bias?  A skewed view due to a twinge of jealousy?  He let out an exaggerated sigh.  He was too damn tired for all of this right now. 

 

Isak managed to rid himself of his clothing before burrowing under the covers and dozing off.  And if he fell asleep still missing Even a little bit – well no one really needed to know. 

 

- 

 

Isak woke up to his alarm screaming into his room early the next morning.   

 

Too early.   

 

He reached for his phone to shut the noise off and angrily sank back into the bed.  He never sets his alarm anymore, so how in the world did he manage to turn that on last night? He hears the buzzing of his phone vibrating on the nightstand and groans as he lifts it back up to his face, only to see a text from Even. 

 

 **____________________**  

 **Something Awesome**  

 

Morning!  
Yes, I set your alarm for you last night.  
You are probably rolling your eyes right now.  
Scratch that, you are glaring at your phone right now.  
Your disdain for the morning brings me joy.  
…  
Is that weird?  
…  
Anyway, are you still coming shopping with me?  
I'm at the EDR with Matthew now.  He's coming too.  
…  
Isak?  
…  
Ugh.  Did you go back to sleep?  
…  
Never mind.  I'll come by and wake you up myself. 

 

I'm awake.  Leave me alone.  
But we should discuss why my discomfort makes you happy.  
But first, leave me alone. 

 

He lives!  
And you're right.  There's got to be some sort of childhood  
trauma associated with it. 

 

You're the psychologist, so... 

 

I'll think about it and get back to you. 

 

Wait, how did you unlock my phone?! 

 

Your birthday is an unoriginal passcode Isak.  
You should be embarrassed. 

 

How do you know my birthday...? 

 

What? Matthew's calling me.  Gotta go! 

 

Stop being weird.  
…  
Even?  
…  
I'm on my way.  You better make sure there is  
a fresh cheese Danish waiting for me when I get there. 

 

 **[Attached** **img** **.]**  

Already got it.  
Also, can we discuss my contact name in your phone?  
It also feels unoriginal and I think we can do better. 

 

Bye Even 

 

So grumpy. 

 **____________________**  

 

Isak made his way to their usual table as soon as he entered the dining hall and slumped into the chair next to Matty, making sure to narrow his eyes at Even who was sipping his coffee and smiling too brightly.  Obviously still enjoying Isak's foul mood. 

 

Trying not to forget his manners  _too_ much, he muttered a barely audible  _'Thank you'_  before digging into the pastry sitting in front of him.  Two sliced strawberries on top, just like he likes it. 

 

"So glad you decided to grace us with your presence this morning."  Matty was smirking over at Isak, tone dripping with sarcasm.   

 

Isak shot daggers at him with his eyes. 

 

"Hey Matty, love the self-righteous tone.  Tell me again, where did you go after attending the party for about two seconds?  The one I dragged my ass to after you cried about me not being social enough."  He cocked his head waiting for an answer as he shoved the rest of his breakfast into his mouth.  He didn't actually care that Matty left the party.  But it was early and he was defensive and probably a little hangry.   

 

Matty seemed to bristle at Isak's words.  "Sorry."  he said, and he actually sounded like he meant it.  Something was off and Isak immediately regretted attacking him.  He made a mental note to check in on him later. 

 

"No, don't be."  He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, closing his eyes and resting his head on Matty's shoulder.  Isak was a bit taller than him, so he had to sink down in his chair to make it comfortable.  "I'm being a jerk.  If you want to blame anyone we can blame Even."   

 

He could feel the shake of Matty's shoulders as he laughed. 

 

"That seems unnecessary.  And also, not true."  Even gave him a pointed look, trying to act offended.  It wasn't working. 

 

"You set my alarm knowing full well how irritated I'd be at having to wake up in the morning, just so we could head into town to go shopping.  An activity that could literally be done at any other time in the day. So yeah, I'm laying the blame at your feet." 

 

Matty put a protective arm around his shoulders and Isak ate the attention up.  Not missing the exasperated look Even gave him as he continued to sip his coffee. 

 

"Well your highness, I didn't choose an arbitrary time to go shopping.  We decided last night we would drive to Idaho instead.  It gives us more options and it'd be nice to see some sights.  But it also means a longer drive, therefore it is now a morning event." 

 

He tipped the coffee cup back, pulling the last remaining sip from it before slamming the cardboard cup onto the table with a loud pop.  "You were asleep when I got home, so I didn't really have the option of running it by you.  And as scary as you are in the mornings, you will not catch me trying to wake you up in the middle of actually being asleep.  That's not an Isak I'm ready to meet just yet." 

 

"Wouldn't have had to worry about waking me up if you hadn't run out of the room like it was on fire." Isak mumbled.  And where did that come from? 

 

Even's hands stilled from where he was gathering his trash and he looked up at Isak, expression serious and flashing with a few other indecipherable emotions.  He held his gaze and the whole situation was making Isak uneasy.   

 

It was stupid.  This was stupid. 

 

So what if Even left last night, leaving Isak alone and without someone to vent to and give him praise.  Isak was a grown ass man and needed to suck it up and move on.  Even owed him nothing. 

 

Isak broke eye contact first, picking up his phone to look at the time - needing to focus on something else.  Matty dropped his arm from Isak's shoulders and seemed to see the need for a change in subject.  

 

"Well let's get the hell out of here.  Also, Isak you can have the front seat but that means I control the music.  So pick your poison." 

 

And Isak would rather bury himself alive then have to listen to the soundtrack to  _Mamma Mia_  on repeat for a few hours straight.  "Fine, you can have the front seat.  You suck." 

 

"You said  _'I love you'_  wrong." 

 

- 

 

A longer drive actually ended up being a grand total of six hours in the car before they arrived in Boise.  Isak had taken the opportunity to sleep most of trip, resulting in a stiff neck and sore back when they arrived at a sizable shopping mall.  There was nothing very extraordinary about it, but when you've spent the last few months living secluded from, what feels like, modern civilization – a shopping mall was a big deal.   

 

They walked around for a few minutes, stretching their legs and muscles before Matty left in a hurry, having made an appointment at a salon for a haircut and highlights, leaving Isak alone with Even.   

 

And a stranger would be able to recognize the discomfort that was suddenly between them. 

 

They walked silently, Isak trying to place the source of the tension.  Everything had been fine until he opened his mouth at breakfast, sounding like a spoiled toddler in the process.  This was the first time since meeting Even that anything felt uncomfortable or forced - and he hated it.   

 

He stole a glance at Even as they continued to walk aimlessly and silently, passing by countless stores in the process.  He looked concerned, as if he was going over something in his head; arguing with himself silently.  Isak would know what that looked like, as he took part in it numerous times a day himself. 

 

Desperate to regain some sort of relief again, Isak cleared his throat, earning a glance from Even.   

 

He reached for his wallet and dug up the first coin he could find, offering it to Even.  "Penny for your thoughts?"  Even opened his hand and let Isak drop it in his palm. 

 

He looked at his hand and back up at Isak.  "This is a dime." he deadpanned. 

 

Isak shrugged.  "Well, you owe me ten thoughts then." 

 

Even flipped the coin around, looking at it and smirking to himself. "This was made in 2021." 

 

Isak waited for him to elaborate, and when he didn’t, "Is that significant somehow?" 

 

Even pursed his lips, looking back at Isak as he pocketed the dime, seeming to come to a silent decision.  "Your birthday is 2/21."  And that elicited an exaggerated breath accompanied by an eye roll from Isak. 

 

"Alright Even, how do you know when my birthday is?" 

 

"Are you upset that I left last night?" 

 

Isak looked over at his friend, but his gaze was fixed straight ahead, looking down every so often.  It was weird again, and Isak was right – it was about what he said at breakfast. 

 

Why was this such a big deal?  Why couldn't Isak just let it go?  Even went to work to do some last-minute tasks.  There was nothing unusual about that.  And it wasn't like Isak was in the middle of truly pouring out his heart or anything.  Because if that was the case, he knows without a shadow of a doubt Even would have stayed in that room with him.  Probably combing his fingers through his hair and encouraging him to drink some water.  Even would never actually ignore him if he needed him.  Isak knew this, and he also knew he didn't deserve that loyalty from him.  Not if his tantrum this morning was anything to go by.   

 

And while he was busy complaining over something as trivial as  _'My best friend_ _won't listen to_ _my_ _silly drama_ _'_  Even was standing next to him worried that he offended him.   

 

(It didn't escape Isak that he just referred to Even as his best friend, but that felt like something he could tackle at another time.) 

 

Even was still silent, and Isak knew from experience that when you are worried over something, the longer it takes to get an explanation the worse your anxiety gets. So he needed to set Even's mind at ease, because he owed him that much.  But he also wasn't going to lie to him, because Even was one of the greatest people in his life right now, and he owed him that much too. 

 

"Yeah, I was."  And before Even could interrupt him with a constant stream of apologies he knew would come, he continued.  "But it's not your fault.  Or I don't know, maybe it is."  He chuckled a little at Even's confused expression.  "I was just upset because you've spoiled me by always showering me with compliments and words of praise.  You're like the older brother I never had, and I was just expecting more of it last night.  Honestly, I'm a brat – which is nothing new to you, I know.  But, I'm admitting it and telling you I'm sorry."  Isak shook his head in amusement.  "I mean, what was I expecting?  For you to avoid doing your job just so I can get a pat on the back?" 

 

Even slowed to a stop, contemplating Isak's words for a moment.  "Older brother?" 

 

Isak lowered his chin slightly, narrowing his eyes at Even.  "Did you just hear me?  I just voluntarily admitted to being a spoiled brat.  This will likely never happen again, so take it in while you can." 

 

Even seemed to continue mulling over Isak's words, worry still dressing his face before the lines softened, eyebrows shooting up as he grinned smugly.  

 

"So what I'm hearing is you deflecting your own issues and telling me that I created a monster." 

 

Isak turned on his heel and started making his way towards a sporting goods store across the way.  "That's about as close to me owning up to anything as you're gonna get.  Take it or leave it." 

 

He could feel Even's laughter behind him.  It was booming and warm and everything that felt good. 

 

They were fine. 

 

- 

 

Isak was trying on his fourth pair of hiking boots when he felt something being pressed up to his shoulders from behind.  He turned around to find Even holding up a sweatshirt, seemingly trying to decide if it was a good fit. 

 

"What the hell Even?"  Isak sat up from tying the laces, to fully turn his body to face his friend – who was not holding up just any sweatshirt, but a neon pink Nike hoodie.  Identical to the one that belonged to Even that Isak always took. 

 

"Are you kidding me right now?" 

 

"I think you know me well enough to know when I'm joking and when I am not."  Even pulled out the tag to check the size, setting it down on the bench where Isak sat, only to pull the same sweatshirt out in another size.  "So which do you prefer?  A more tailored fit or a little baggy." 

 

"No." 

 

He looked up at Isak in genuine confusion.  "No, what?" 

 

Isak crossed his arms and shook his head.  "I'm not buying that hoodie." 

 

"Don't be ridiculous Isak.  That's not what's happening here." 

 

"Good." 

 

"I'm buying you the hoodie." 

 

"Even, no.  I don't want it." 

 

Now it was Even's turn to cross his arms?  "Oh really?  Because I have it on good authority if I were to go through your drawers right now, I'd find the sister of this sweater.  Proving that you in fact  _do_  want this piece of clothing." 

 

Isak refused to give in.  "And unsurprisingly, you're wrong again.  I don't want a new version of that sweater.  I want the old worn in one.  It's comfier." 

 

Even balked at him.  "You think I don't know that? It's literally  _my_  sweater.  I love it.  My body misses it.  Get a new one so I can have mine back." 

 

"You can buy a new one all you want, but I will refuse to wear it, and I will keep the original hostage." 

 

Even stared Isak down and Isak stared right back – neither of them budging for a whole minute until Even took the sweater that was in his hand and threw it at Isak, landing it in his face.  "You are a child!"  

 

- 

 

They were sitting at the food court, waiting for Matty to meet them for lunch.  Isak had ordered a large basket of waffle fries which Even continued to eat – even though he insisted he hated them.  Isak knew he was trying to irritate him as payback for Hoodie Gate 2023. 

 

"Who's being the child now?" 

 

"Well I've had an excellent coach.  What did we expect was going to happen?" 

 

Isak pushed the basket in front of Even.  "Just eat the rest." 

 

"I don't want them." He said, as he stuffed another fry into his mouth. 

 

And this was Even.  Sophisticated and wise.  Empathetic and loyal to a fault.  And weirdly and fiercely jealous of the strangest things.  Isak loved it.  He was endeared by him – even when he wanted to throw a pillow at his face for being stubborn. 

 

And yeah, okay.  Maybe this could be solved by Isak just returning the article of clothing to its rightful owner.  But, come on - serious suggestions only! 

 

"Alright, let's try a compromise - " 

 

Even looked up, eyes wide with incredulity.  "Why do  _I_  have to compromise?  It's  _my_  sweater." 

 

"Even, you've got to work with me here.  Throw me a damn bone, cos I'm not giving this sweater up without a fight." 

 

"This cannot be a real conversation right now." 

 

"I am offering a compromise.  We share custody of the sweater.  We can choose days that work best for us during the week and weekends – alternating if need be - and then for special occasions, when one of us needs a good cuddle or sulk – we can request some extra time with it." 

 

"I swear to god Isak, you've lost your god damn mind." 

 

Isak just shrugged nonchalantly, shoving a fry into his mouth.  "That's what I'm offering Even.  Take it or leave it." 

 

"It's my sweater!" 

 

"You sound like a broken record." 

 

Even's mouth dropped open as he stared at Isak.  Isak staring right back just as they did earlier in the store. 

 

And just like earlier, Even gave in first.  Shoving the fries back towards Isak and mumbling, "You're lucky you're fucking cute." 

 

Isak hummed, finishing the rest of his lunch.  "Yeah, you're probably not wrong." 

 

- 

 

The rest of their day went by without any more bickering between Even and Isak.  After they spent some more time shopping and sightseeing, they ended their day with dinner and a movie before beginning the trek back home.   

 

Matty was driving Even's car and refused to allow either of them to sit in the front seat because it was currently being occupied by an enormous plant he bought.  A gift for the mysterious marina man he refused to talk about.   

 

The backseat of Even's car wasn't very wide, and they found themselves squished together, a mash up of shopping bags and long limbs.  It was late and they were both exhausted.  Even had his temple leaning against the window, arm thrown around Isak's shoulders while his fingers played with the curls at the nape of his neck. 

 

Isak leaned further into Even's shoulder, dozing off before being shaken awake by his phone vibrating from its place on his lap.  He glanced down to see an email notification from Vail Resorts.   

 

His body was suddenly awake with curiosity.  The last few weeks had been spent sending out applications to other resorts for the Winter season.  Even was pretty much guaranteed a spot back at Breckenridge due to his previous time there, but Isak had to go through the entire process.  He had a phone interview last week for another lead server position and it was very clinical, giving Isak no indication on whether or not he got the job.  He made sure to apply to other resorts of course, but the plan had always been to remain with Even and Matty.  He didn't feel like making new friends again, and he certainly didn't think he would get lucky a second time around like he did when he met these two. 

 

He sat up and swiped across the notification, opening up the email, getting nervous as he scanned the body of the message, and smiling triumphantly at the words  _Congratulations_  and  _Can't wait to have you a part of the Breckenridge Family_. 

 

He settled back into Even's arms, and he continued playing with the curls on his head. 

 

"What was that about?" Even asked, head still leaning against the window and face lit up by the moon with the occasional shadow from the trees. 

 

Isak yawned.  "I got offered the job at Breckenridge.  So now you're going to have to work your magic and see if you can arrange getting us in the same apartment." 

 

Even hummed noncommittally and Isak turned his head so he was gazing up at Even now, waiting for Even to do the same.   

 

When he did, his expression was serious but his eyes never left Isaks. 

 

And that's how they spent the next few moments – Isak looking at Even, a million questions in his eyes, and Even looking back just as intensely, Adam's apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed thickly. 

 

It occurred to Isak that he should look away.  That the moment was teetering on something outside of what he was comfortable with; outside of what he knew, but he couldn't.  Because as long as Even wanted to look at Isak, he was going to let him.  Something was shifting between them, and as the thought dawned on him he felt his breaths become a little heavier, like his body knew and understood what his mind was having a hard time grasping. 

 

In a small act of bravery, he hooked his chin on Even's shoulder, not breaking eye contact.  The words came out in an unintentional whisper, but he couldn't seem to put any force behind them.  "Do you still want to live with me this winter?"  He sounded more vulnerable than he wanted to, but he seemed to be losing control of his actions. 

 

Even licked his lips and moved his fingers to tug lightly at Isak's earlobe – and that was his second favorite thing. 

 

"I do." Even whispered right back, nodding slowly. 

 

Isak smiled softly, allowing relief to wash over him, but it was short lived. 

 

"But I'm moving back home at the end of the summer." 

 

And it was like a bucket of cold water had been thrown at him as he felt his chest constrict uncomfortably.   

 

Even was moving?  Even was leaving?   

 

Isak sat up, stunned into silence.  There was a strange rushing sound in his ears and he gripped his phone tightly, staving off a tremble in his hands. 

 

"Isak?"  Even was in his face now, eyes shifting back and forth rapidly as he tried to get him to focus.   

 

Isak cleared his throat and gave a small shake of his head, giving himself a few seconds to compose himself.   

 

"No, yeah - I'm fine.  I was just surprised is all."  He sat back in the seat, eyes trained forward, not missing Matty's worried glances in the rearview mirror. 

 

"I was going to tell you eventually.  I just only made the decision a few days ago - " 

 

"It's fine, really."  He forced a smile on his face to reassure Even that he wasn’t bothered.  He knew Even could see through it though.  Because of course he could. 

 

But Isak wasn't offering anything further on the subject, and Even could see that too.  He kept staring at him, but Isak refused to look back.  Not trusting himself to stay put together. 

 

He felt it when Even eventually shifted back against the window, and Isak relaxed into his seat when he did. 

 

For a second night in a row, he was too tired to explore the thoughts racing through his mind. 

 

And for the second night in a row, they revolved around Even. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even and Isak - my poor babies!  
> Hope you guys are enjoying the ride, because ACT ONE is coming to a close soon and we are going full speed ahead into ACT TWO.  
> As always, Kudos and comments really do make the world go 'round. And some of the lovely comments you all have been leaving make my day!  
>  **Tumblr:**  
> [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Even," It came out as little more than a whisper, but that was all he could force out. "Can you please stop looking at me like that?" 
> 
> His gaze grew more intense and Isak's senses heightened as he felt Even look back in something between a challenge and a plea. "Do I have to?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks the end of ACT ONE!  
> I can't believe it!
> 
> The first draft of this chapter started out just over 6k and ended up being an 8.5k monster.
> 
> ACT TWO is going to find our ensemble in entirely different places and situations and it's going to be fucking exciting!
> 
> As always, Jamz24 is too good for words, always making me think about my pacing and continuity. Love her (even when she texts me, "OMG! Something insane just happened!" And then waits hours before she explains herself.
> 
> And the love of my life Skamsnake who is generally just hot and gorgeous and lets me date her. Also, because she is incredibly encouraging and the world doesn't deserve her.

CHAPTER SEVEN

"I did something."  

 

It was a late Saturday morning and Ollie had been calling him on Facetime since 7 a.m., not relenting until he finally answered one of her calls.  He didn't bother sitting up or putting a shirt on, instead choosing to throw his arm behind his head while his laptop rested loosely on his stomach, giving her his undivided attention.  

 

Or, as undivided as it can get when he's forced awake. 

 

"Iss, did you hear me?  I said I  _did_  something."  She was currently sitting on the floor of what seemed like a bathroom, but the camera was too close to her face for him to make out any other details other then the ambiguous white tiled wall behind her. 

 

"I heard you.  But since I can currently see you, I know that you haven't been arrested and aren't just calling me to bail you out, so I'm not too worried." 

 

"Oh my god! That was one time, and I tried to pay you back.  When are we gonna let that go?" 

 

"When the thought of you being arrested for streaking through downtown on a drunk dare stops being funny."  Isak was going to push the subject further, but he wasn't eliciting the reaction from her that he had hoped.  Her face was still serious, scrunched up in worry and apprehension and she was going to town chewing on her bottom lip - a definitive sign that something was wrong. 

 

Isak cracked his neck twice, giving her an opportunity to speak, but she remained quiet, eyes focused off camera in thought. 

 

When she offered no further information, he gave in with a sigh and asked her himself.   

 

"What did you do Ollie?  It can't be that bad." 

 

 "I slept with Jonas."  She barely let him get his sentence out.  

 

Isak was suddenly awake.  He sat up and rested against the headboard, now fully committed to giving his attention to his best friend.   

 

"Alright," he said slowly.  "Is this something we are happy about or something that's going to cause an indefinite pause in conversation within the group chat?" He spoke like he was approaching an easily spooked horse.     

 

When her brows furrowed even more deeply with anxiety, he rushed to reassure her.  "I'm cool with either, just want to be prepared."   

 

Her eyes focused back in front of her, like she was just remembering he was there.   

 

"A little of both maybe?" 

 

A message window from Jonas appeared next to the video chat. 

 

 **____________________**  

 **Jonas**  

Is Ollie Talking to you? 

 

Yep.  
Have a good night last night, did we? 

 

Iss... 

 

Ew, yea.  I just read it back.  I didn't like it either 

 

Can you tell her to come out of the bathroom?  
I made her breakfast. 

 **____________________**  

 

 

"Ollie! You're at his house?!" 

 

Her eyebrows shot up, and she forced out a dramatic stage whisper. 

 

"How do you know?  Oh my god is he texting you?"  She threw her head back and groaned. 

 

"Of course he is texting me!"  he whispered right back even though it was unnecessary.  "He just slept with his best friend, and she is hiding in his bathroom.  It's definitely not a boost to his self-esteem." 

 

Another groan escaped from her mouth. 

 

"Ollie, were you drunk?"  He had to ask.  Not because he thought Jonas would ever even think about taking advantage of her, but because when it came to Ollie, not understanding her state of mind during any given moment was a sure-fire way of getting you absolutely nowhere with her. 

 

She squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed at her temple.  "Iss, I was sober as a fucking stone." 

 

His jaw dropped slightly.  "Whoa." 

 

"Yeah."  She looked back down at the phone, shaking her head in disbelief. 

 

"So what's the problem then?"  But he knew the answer to that question.   

 

Ollie was so certain she wasn't good enough for anyone.  She spent a lifetime being feared by people because of her assertive charisma.  A lifetime of being misunderstood for no other reason than people not wanting to put in the time to get to know her - missing out on the vulnerable soul that was unintentionally hidden behind a confident and demanding exterior.  She had thick skin.  She had to.  She was used to being whispered about by those too insecure to give her a chance.  But he knew more than most, the toll it took on her internally. 

 

If Ollie had been sober, then Jonas had been too.  This didn't sound like a night full of regrets.  And knowing Jonas, who never does anything without thinking everything through, this must have been a long time coming.   

 

He was momentarily concerned over the fact that Jonas hadn't discussed any of these thoughts with him yet, but he was distracted when Ollie answered, her voice small. 

 

"What if he regrets it or just wants it to be a one-time thing?"  Her eyes were glistening with the signs of tears that had yet to fall.  "I just like him so much and have for such a long time."  Her head was resting against the tile wall behind her as she let out a loud groan.  "I was doing just fine keeping it stuffed inside.  I just really don't think I can handle that kind of rejection right now Iss."  At those words a few loose tears made their way down her cheeks.   

 

"Ollie," He waited a beat for her to give him her attention again.  "He made you breakfast.  And if I had to guess, it's probably a swiss and mushroom omelet.  And we both know that the only reason he keeps either of those ingredients in his kitchen is because of you.  He can't stand mushrooms.  And do I have to remind you of his countless tirades explaining why Swiss cheese isn't actually real cheese?" 

 

She laughed wetly, wiping her face with the heel of her palms.   

 

He hadn’t spoken to Jonas yet, so there was always the tiniest chance that Ollie's biggest fear would come to fruition.  But in this case, he didn't feel like he was giving her any false hope by encouraging her to go out there and talk to him. 

 

"Just go talk to him.  Worst case scenario – you get a free breakfast and you can always rearrange his Keurig K-cups out of alphabetical order just to drive him crazy." 

 

She propped the phone against something, freeing up her hands to throw her hair up in a messy bun before picking it back up again. 

 

"Okay.  I'm gonna go out there."  She exhaled slowly.  "I miss you Iss." 

 

"Miss you more."   

 

She gave him a quick smile before ending the call, and Isak made sure to send Jonas a text asking him to call him later on. 

 

He closed his laptop and set it on the floor next to his bed, glancing across the room to see Even's bed empty and unmade.   

 

He must have been running late this morning. 

 

It had been two weeks since their trip to Idaho and everything and nothing had changed.   

 

As it turned out, Even's grandmother was ill and he decided it was best to move back to the city eventually anyway.  But the real catalyst for his decision to move at the end of the summer was because an old friend and colleague of his would be traveling overseas for a few years working on a documentary piece – therefore offering Even his position as Senior In-House Photographer for a publication house in Manhattan.  An opportunity that he couldn't refuse.  An opportunity that Isak didn't want him to refuse. 

 

The days since then were much the same, except Even didn't put up too much of a fight about Isak taking his sweater anymore, and most nights in their room were spent with the both of them sprawled out on Even's bed doing nothing.  Sometimes they would watch a movie on one of their laptops, but usually they were both just busy on their own phones, scrolling through social media or texting.  Neither of them said anything, but they both seemed to draw comfort from the close proximity of each other.  Something that would be over in a month. 

 

Isak had accepted the job at Breckenridge but hadn't purchased a plane ticket since he wouldn't be required to arrive until the end of October.  He thought about doing some traveling around the North Atlantic coast in between gigs but hadn't really made up his mind yet. 

 

Matty was still deciding on whether or not he would be joining him in Colorado.  Every time Isak asked him about it, he deflected and changed the subject.  It was strange behavior coming from a man who openly displayed his sex toys on shelves in the living area of his apartment.  Matty was never secretive about anything, but Isak knew that pushing it would get him nowhere.  Deciding that his friend would share what he wanted, when he wanted – he let the matter drop. 

 

Isak wasn't in love with the idea that he would be leaving two incredibly close friends in the coming weeks, but he also knew it was something he could do.   

 

Isak wasn't the same man he was a few months ago when he arrived to this place.  He opened himself up to experiences he would never have sought out had he not left home.  He met people that had already left marks on his soul and he knew would continue to play a part in shaping who he would evolve into.  And although there was still so much he was unsure of – he was certain in the knowledge that it  _would_  be okay, and that he  _would_  figure it out.  And right now – that was enough. 

 

His phone buzzed, and he knew without looking that it was Matty wondering where he was.  Soaking in the last few moments of comfort from his bed, he let out a sigh before throwing the covers off so he could get ready.  Dressing quickly, he grabbed a few of the clementine's that Even kept in a bowl on their desk and ran out the room to meet his friend. 

 

- 

 

Matty lived in  _Manager's Row_ which essentially consisted of several first-floor studio apartments that were set off just behind the common area.  Isak arrived in front of door  _38-A_ and walked right in, knowing Matty kept the door unlocked anyway.   

 

"Matty?"  He called out as he toed off his shoes and made his way to the un-made bed in the corner of the room.   

 

"I'm just getting out of the shower." Matty yelled out, voice muted through the door across the hall.  

 

Isak took the time to turn on the tv and scan through the channels, settling on a documentary on Blue Whales that he'd already seen three other times and still found fascinating.   

 

He heard the door to the bathroom open up and Matty appeared, crossing in front of the television to access his dresser, opening drawers and pulling out numerous articles of clothing before settling on jeans and a blue t-shirt with  _Daddy's Boy_ stamped in pink on the front. 

 

Isak muted the tv as Matty made his way over to the bed, pushing Isak over as he sat next to him, legs spread out in front of them. 

 

"New shirt?"  Isak gestured to the graphic blazoned across Matty's chest. 

 

Me looked down at the shirt and shrugged, giving a small non-committal nod.  He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something but closed it just as quickly. 

 

Matty had been becoming more and more reticent lately, and although Isak was usually one to let someone talk when they felt like it, something in him was saying that Matty needed some coaxing.  

 

Trying to find a light and easy segue into more personal things, he went with the first thing that came to his mind.  "Are you still seeing Marina Guy?" 

 

Matty's eyes widened slightly, and a slow upturn of his lips began forming right along with a bloom of rose on his cheeks.   

 

Bingo. 

 

"I'm gonna go ahead and assume I just hit the hammer on the head just now.  Spill." 

 

At those words, Matty threw his head dramatically on Isak's shoulders.  "I have been dying to tell you about Jakob for weeks now!" 

 

"He has a name." 

 

"Yes, Jakob Banks." Matty was in full on dreamy mode and it was adorable and irritating – but mostly adorable. 

 

"Alright, well tell me about him.  Where's he from, what does he do, is this the best summer hookup you've ever had?"  Isak gave his friend all of the amo he knew he needed to talk for the next three days. 

 

Matty sat back up excitedly, keeping his shoulder pressed to Isak's.  "He is from Denmark actually but has lived here in the states for ten or so years. And he has a few homes all over."  He waves his hands out in front of him frantically as he speaks.  "He buys and sells commercial properties – or something like that. And -"  He relaxed his arms as leaned back against the wall, head turned towards Isak with a solemn look on his face.  "- And it's not just a summer hookup.  We're dating." 

 

"Matty, that's great.  I'm not sure what your serious expression is for," He waved his hand in front of his face, gesturing at the frown forming.  "But I think it's great that you are with someone."  When his friend didn't respond, he lightly tapped his ankle with his foot.  "Matty, why did you keep him a secret for so long?" 

 

He let out a sigh, licking his lips before answering.  "Because I'm 27 and have never had a boyfriend before.  Because I'm 27 and have never been in a position where I can say that I've been in love."  He exhaled heavily again.  "And because I'm 27 and think I'm in love now - and it fucking terrifies me."  He leaned back into Isak, both men sitting shoulder to shoulder.  Temple to temple. 

 

Isak patted his leg.  "Wanna know what I think?" 

 

"Of course I do Isak!  I don't just vent to hear myself talk." 

 

Isak waited a moment. 

 

"Ok, maybe I sometimes vent to hear myself talk.  But now is not one of those times.  So lay it on me.  Give me all the wisdom hiding in that young, weirdly religious mind of yours." 

 

"Like most things you say to describe me, I'm gonna just blow over that last part" 

 

"I expect nothing less." 

 

Isak rolled his eyes and continued.  "Honestly Matty, this is one of the happiest things I've heard in a long time."  Matty ducked his head a little at the sentiment.  "So you love this guy?  Then let yourself love him.  Give yourself that freedom.  And, at the risk of sounding like a cliched sap – give yourself that gift." 

 

His friend linked their arms together as he rested his head on Isak's shoulder.   

 

"He is honestly so Incredible Isak.  He's older and stronger.  He listens and actually adores me.  He's intelligent and sensitive.  I mean, he's the whole damn package.  And I really think you'd like him too." 

 

Isak's heart felt like it grew two sizes.  "You care about whether or not I like him?" 

 

Matty slapped him with the back of his hand onto his chest.  "Of course I do, you little shit." 

 

"You’re incredibly convincing."  Isak replied drily. 

 

"Shut up.  Like it or not, we're friends.  Family even.  I'm in your life to stay baby." 

 

Isak squeezed his arm tighter to him.  "Yeah alright.  You're here to stay." 

 

"I know.  In fact, you're two seconds away from getting my name tattooed on you." 

 

"And then you ruin the moment."  Isak deadpanned. 

 

They sat on the bed quietly, both with soft smiles on their faces – the mood in the room having lightened tremendously. 

 

"So have you two discussed the logistics of what a long distance relationship will look like?  You're from Atlanta, aren't you?" 

 

"We have..."  Matty was speaking slowly.  Almost carefully.  "And we decided that long distance wasn't for us." 

 

"Oh.  I'm sorry to hear that."  Isak felt like there was something he was missing, but wasn't sure how to maneuver around that at the moment. 

 

"So I'll be moving with him." 

 

There it is.  

 

Isak sat there mildly stunned for a few moments as Matty explained how _it_ _j_ _ust feels like the right thing to do._   And how even though Jakob did quite a bit of traveling, they would primarily be staying at his home in Seattle, since so much of his work is concentrated on the west coast. 

 

"I know it sounds insane Isak.  And I know I'm like a walking contradiction, talking one minute about how terrifying it is to be in love, and then the next jumping all in.  I know how this sounds and looks – trust me.  I've spent too many hours being sick about it.  But honestly, the alternative is that I continue doing seasonal work, jumping from one resort to the next.  From one hookup to another – and that's just not satisfying for me anymore."  Isak watched as a stray tear escaped his friends' eye and rolled down his cheek slowly.  "The thing is, he loves me.  He really does – and I love him.  And I want this with him."  He looked over at Isak now.  "I really do." 

 

Isak adjusted the way he was sitting so he could reach out and messily wipe the wetness from his friends' face.  

 

"Matty, you don't have to explain a damn thing to me.  I left everything I knew to come to the mountains on a whim.  I walked into this place with a guarded heart and trust issues – and while I haven't entirely shaken either of those things, I found myself coming out to a roommate I barely knew but somehow understood would be loyal to me.  Fuck, Matty – I made a move on Wyatt!  I am the last person you need to explain seemingly impulsive decisions to.  So as far as I'm concerned, follow this guy wherever the hell you want to.  I think it's fucking wonderful." 

 

Matty turned away from Isak in an effort to hide a few stray tears, and then cleared his throat before sitting back against the wall. 

 

"So, let's talk about this party!" Matty began.  The conversation was finished and he needed to change the subject.  Isak could give that to him.  "Were you finally able to convince Phil to allow us to place an order of alcohol through the restaurant's supplier?" 

 

Isak let a smug smile pull at his lips.  "No.  I had Clara do it."  He paused for dramatic effect.  "And it came in yesterday."  

 

It was common knowledge to anyone with a pulse that Isak's manager was hung up on Wyatt's twin sister.  And it was equally obvious to everyone that she was as interested in him as most people are in getting a root canal.  Well, everyone but Phil that is, who continued to pursue her after multiple public rejections. 

 

Matty quirked an eyebrow.  "How did you manage that?" 

 

"I didn't - well not really.  I got Wyatt to ask her." 

 

Matty looked scandalized.  "So let me get this straight - you got someone to do the dirty work of asking someone else to do your dirty work?" 

 

Isak let the strange arrangement of words settle in before he nodded. 

 

"Who are you and what have you done with the rosy cheeked little boy who showed up on my door step a few months ago, barely knowing his own name?" 

 

"Literally, none of that happened." 

 

Matty shrugged.  "It did in my mind."  His phone rang and he jumped off the bed as he picked it up.  "It's Alecia.  I swear if she's calling me again to argue the merits of name brand versus local bought beef for this party -" He trailed off as he answered her call, leaving Isak to shake his head in amusement at his friend. 

 

They had spent the better part of a week putting together a last-minute surprise party for Even's birthday.  It wasn't difficult to get everyone involved.  You would be hard pressed to find someone at the park who didn't like Even, but it was also the added nostalgia of the summer coming to an end and many people going their separate ways.  Everyone was sort of looking for a reason to spend a late night out at the lake with each other.  The park didn't officially close until the last Friday of August, but people would be leaving over the next four weeks to get back to their lives.  Needless to say, everyone was looking forward to tonight. 

 

It had been an incredible summer.  One Isak knew he wouldn't soon forget.  The past three months had sped by, leaving him with a great deal of quality experiences he never thought he'd see in a lifetime.  And soon he would be saying goodbye to all of that.   

 

Soon he'd be saying goodbye to Even.   

 

Even, who saw fit to take care of him from the moment he stepped foot in these mountains.  Whether that meant working through panic attacks together, holding his hand while he came out, literally looking after his wellbeing by keeping him hydrated, or providing him with a companionship he didn't know he needed.   

 

Didn't know he wanted.   

 

Even was his best friend. 

 

And yet somehow it wasn't the same as saying goodbye to Jonas and Ollie.  The prospect of it all almost hurt more?   

 

Not that saying goodbye to his friends back home had been easy, but the circumstances surrounding that had been so different.  He was moving away from home, and although he didn't know if he'd ever be back, there was never any question of whether or not they would remain in his life.  Jonas and Ollie weren't going anywhere.  So he wasn't saying goodbye to them as much as he was just saying goodbye to the life he was used to having with them.   

 

With Even though, there were so many more unknowns.  Yes, Even was now a permanent fixture in his life.  And yes, they had cell phones and could text back and forth – but the small amount of life he was used to living with Even - the part that had them seeing each other every day, sitting in companionable silence while they sat in opposite ends of their room, or fighting over articles of clothing.  The part of his life that led to Matty and Isak always outnumbering Even with their film selection for movie night and him sulking in the corner of the room because he was the worst sore loser in the world.  And the part of Isak's life that knew no matter what happened, no matter how intense, shameful, or awful – that Even would be there to work it through with him.  He'd be there to walk him home, give him some water, stroke his hair in the soothing way Isak was addicted to, and remind him that life was more than whatever current trauma was plaguing him. 

 

It was that part of his life that Isak wasn't willing to give up.  But it was also a decision that was out of his hands as well.  So, for now, he was going to focus on the party and enjoy the last bits of summer with his friends that were available. 

 

Matty returned a few moments later with an exasperated look on his face.  "Well looks like I'm headed to the lake early to set up.  Alecia insists we don't need to string the patio lights I bought through the trees because we will have the fire burning."  He was sliding on a pair of shoes mostly talking to himself.  "I mean honestly, it's not my fault people don't share the same aesthetic vision as me.  The lights are for mood and ambiance.  Is that so difficult to understand Isak?" 

 

"Mood and ambiance are important."  Isak just nodded and smiled, knowing it was best to placate his friend. 

 

Matty stood up straight and pointed a narrowed stare at Isak.  "Don't think I don't realize that you're just telling me what I want to hear." 

 

"Then don't pretend to be annoyed about it."  Isak shot back. 

 

Matty held his gaze before shrugging with one shoulder, pocketing his phone, and grabbing several bags filled, presumably, with strings of lights.  "What time are you meeting Even?"  He was at the door, struggling to turn the handle with his hands full. 

 

Isak got up, walking over to help.  "I'm meeting him in an hour.  We decided to go kayaking on Jenny Lake for a few hours.  I'll bring him down to the party tonight." 

 

Matty leaned in, carefully balancing all he was carrying, to press a quick kiss to Isak's cheek before calling out a quick, "Bye baby gay!" over his shoulder and leaving in a flourish. 

 

It took Isak several moments before he let out a confused, "Wait – what?" but Matty was already out of sight and unavailable to explains the new nickname.   

 

Isak was really going to miss him. 

 

- 

 

"Isak, I thought you said you had been kayaking before."  Even was several yards ahead of him, steering his water craft so he could better face Isak, who at the moment was struggling at best, and on his way to capsizing and drowning at worst. 

 

"I  _have_  been kayaking before! he gritted out between his teeth.  "Only it was on a spring with a current that you paddled with, not against.  This feels like a fucking ocean!"  As the words tumbled from his mouth, another small wave made its way towards the two men, causing Isak to lose control once again, while Even skillfully rode the motion out. 

 

Frustrated, Isak let out something between a growl and a screech, anchoring his paddle in front of him while he crossed his arms and sat back.  He could see Even making his way back towards him, working a little harder as he fought the current. 

 

"Isak, what are you doing?" His tone was a mix of exasperation and amused.

 

"Staying here until I die."  He slid his sunglasses from where they were on his head and rested them back on his nose- crossing his arms again defiantly. 

 

Even was at his side now, grabbing his paddle to hold, ensuring their kayaks stayed side by side. 

 

"You're so dramatic.  You're not going to die." 

 

Isak didn't look over.  "Not right away, because I have a good amount of water and granola bars, and I can swim very well.  But eventually, Even, I will die out here on the lake."  He heard the click of a camera and immediately looked over at Even, who held his camera up to his face, still snapping pictures. 

 

"Even, what the hell?"  His indignant mood started melting immediately, as he saw the enormous grin forming on his friends face. 

 

"What?" Even asked, with all the innocence of a charming toddler. 

 

"I'm being serious.  And you're not allowed to photograph me when I'm awaiting my death." 

 

"But the newspapers will need a recent photo of you when they publish their articles about the inexperienced-experienced kayaker who floated on the lake for days, within sight of shore, only to float back to the coast hydrated and stuffed with granola bars." 

 

"Well they can grab some pictures from my Facebook like they do with all other victims." 

 

Even looked insulted.  "Are you kidding me?  I've seen the pictures on your Facebook.  I would never allow that.  They can choose from the plethora of photos I have of you." 

 

Isak blinked a few times at Even as he let the camera rest on his chest, leaning his elbows on the sides of his kayak, and lifting his face towards the sky to soak up the sun. 

 

"Plethora of photos?" 

 

Even didn't move his from sunbathing position while he answered.  "Yeah.  I have an entire folder on my laptop dedicated to this summer, and you're a file within that." 

 

And in typical Even fashion, he dropped a bomb of information so nonchalantly, as if it were the simplest of facts, leaving Isak to force a façade of being unphased when internally he was struggling to identify the wave of warmth filling him. 

 

In truth, Isak didn't mind being photographed.  While he knew to some extent he was objectively attractive, he didn't particularly think he was very photogenic. Still, he liked documenting and making memories.  And having someone like Ollie around pretty much guaranteed him an album's worth of photographs for any occasion. 

 

And yet, the idea that Even had been taking enough pictures of him to warrant a separate folder for it in his files left Isak feeling flustered in a giddy and comfortable way that - ironically - made him uncomfortable. 

 

Isak looked back over to Even who was still relaxing into the sun, and he let his eyes wander over him, feeling protected by the privacy his sunglasses gave him. 

 

Even was beautiful.  Could he say that?  It didn't matter, because that's what he was.  Handsome, hot, cute – those were all great adjectives to describe him at different moments, but beautiful – that was what he embodied.   

 

It wasn’t just his slender neck and defined Adam's apple, or the permanent pout of his mouth thanks to large full lips resting below an unobstructed slope of a nose.  It wasn't just the big round eyes colored a unique blend of light blue and steel that sat above a small pouch of flesh, giving him a look of youth and softness that made you trust him immediately.  Nor was it the full head of hair that looked even better mussed from sleep than it did done up with expensive product, or the galaxy of freckles that peppered his skin from his face, to shoulders, to his back and legs.  And it wasn't just the chiseled cheekbones and sharp jaw line that seemed to scream  _ masculine, _ while in direct contrast with the rest of his soft features, making him one of the most interesting things you could spend your time looking at. 

 

No, it wasn't just that, though all of those things certainly weren't a burden to bear.  But it was so much deeper than that.  It was the way he touched everyone when he was talking to them; his way of letting you know he was really listening.  Or how he always seemed to zero in on the lonely person in a group of people and made sure to give them his attention.  It was how nothing seemed to surprise him, allowing him, to coexist with a diverse group of people peacefully while never dishing out judgment.  And it was how those same steel blue eyes looked at you as if you were the only person around.  Looked at you like you were the only person that mattered.   

 

The way he looked at Isak. 

 

He was looking at Isak. 

 

His gut reaction was to look away, feign indifference or act like he had zoned out, which wasn't completely incorrect, but instead he stared back.  Both of them wearing sunglasses but doing nothing to lessen the intensity of the moment.  Both men facing each other, unmoving except for the steady rise and fall of their chests as the air thickened around them.  Isak noticed the minor pick-up of pace in Even's breathing and the slight flare of his nostrils, and in the end, it was Isak that looked away first, needing the moment to gather his wits and will the blush on his cheeks to disappear. 

 

He pulled out his canteen from its place within the small storage space in the kayak and took several large gulps before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and turning to face Even once again. 

 

"I'll tell you what," he began.  "For your birthday present, I'll give you the gift of making sure I make it to dry land safely." 

 

"My birthday is tomorrow." 

 

"You're welcome for giving you your gift early then." 

 

Even looked unimpressed.  "How is that a gift?" 

 

"I said what I said Even! Now get me home before I die."  He was full on whining now and couldn't find it in him to care.  Though admittedly, he wasn't looking very hard either. 

 

Eventually Even tied his kayak to his with a bungee, all the while making sure Isak knew that  _'You are honestly worse than having a child._ _'_  and _'_ _I can't believe I am living with the most over dramatic human being Florida has ever produced."_  

 

But whatever.  Isak made it to shore. 

 

- 

 

Their walk to the other side of the lake where the surprise party was being held was mostly spent in silence, with Even mindlessly going through his camera to view his photos from the day, and every now and then leaning in towards Isak to show him a specific shot. 

 

After a particularly long pause in the photographic commentary, he heard a pleased hum come from next to him as Even said, "This one is my favorite."  He looked over as Even offered him a view of the small monitor on the back of the camera and saw a picture of him from behind, bent over and dragging his kayak over to the shore right before they started their expedition earlier that day. 

 

He shoved Even's shoulder in embarrassed outrage.  "Even! You took a picture of my ass!"  

 

Even was laughing so hard, his eyes disappeared into the crinkles of skin around them and his walking became erratic as he tried to catch his breath from his hysterics. 

 

Isak stopped walking and cocked an eyebrow at the man in front of him, trying his best to remain stern, knowing that if Even kept smiling like that it would become increasingly impossible to maintain. 

 

Even's laughter eased up a bit as he made his way back over to Isak.  "What?  it's your best feature." 

 

Isak could feel his cheeks heat up, thanking a god he wasn't sure existed for the small tint of a sunburn he developed today, disguising his nerves at the mention of Even admiring his butt. 

 

Sobering up, Even put an arm around Isak's shoulders and gave a small squeeze before continuing their walk.  "I'm kidding Isak.  Relax." 

 

At that, he felt himself uncoil and melt a little into the embrace as they continued the journey to their destination.   

 

After a moment of what seemed like steady contemplation, Even spoke again. 

 

"Your lips are your best feature."   

 

- 

 

The surprise was more than successful if the beaming smile and glassy eyes on Even's face were anything to go by.   

 

After they arrived and were bombarded by a chorus of  _Happy Birthday's_ , Isak left Even to the sea of people wanting to steal him away for hugs and drinks and spent a majority of his time with Alecia and Ramone who were in charge of the food.  He promptly gave Alecia his biggest grin when she handed him a separate container of chicken curry and she didn't even try and push him away when he enveloped her in his tightest hug, throwing a million  _thank_ _you's_  at her in the process. 

 

The party had been going on for several hours when Isak made his way over to the bench where Wyatt was sitting, grabbing the blue snapback from his head and placing it on his own before sitting down next to him. 

 

"I was wondering when I'd see you."  Wyatt greeted him with a sly grin, not commenting on the stolen article of clothing and handing Isak his beer for a sip. 

 

Isak took the bottle to his lips, taking a quick swig before handing it back.  "I was making my rounds.  Some of the younger servers on my team are leaving tomorrow to head back and prepare for college.  Wanted to spend some time with them before they left." 

 

"That’s the bittersweet end of the season.  Staff starts thinning out as you say your goodbyes and the lodge becomes a ghost town as the reservations become fewer and fewer."   

 

He was right, the park had grown quieter with the end of the season approaching.  The dinner rush at the restaurant wasn't as crowded, and he didn't have to wait in a long line at the general store when he needed to replenish anything in his and Even's shared room.  Even traffic along some of the viewpoints wasn't as littered with tourists trying to get the perfect picture of a nearby bison.   

 

Summer was ending. 

 

"Hey."  Wyatt nudged him with his shoulder.  "You alright?  You got quiet real quick." 

 

Isak nudged him right back and sent him a reassuring smile.  "Yeah.  Was just thinking about how much I'm gonna miss this place.  I didn't think I'd end up loving it as much as I did."  Wyatt just nodded in agreement, and it occurred to Isak that he didn't know anything about the man sitting next to him.  "Where are you headed after this?" 

 

Wyatt made an underhanded toss, landing his empty bottle into a nearby trash can with ease.  "I'm headed back home to Boston.  Gotta get my classroom ready for my incoming fourth graders this year."  He looked over at Isak when he didn't respond.  "What?" 

 

"Are you telling me that you mold the young minds of our future?" 

 

Wyatt chuckled softly.  "Is that so unbelievable?" 

 

And as Isak thought about it, the more he realized that it wasn't.  In fact, looking back now at how often Wyatt was always surrounded by kids over at the marina, and how he never shied away from entertaining them in any way he could – the idea of him as a teacher made sense and was endearing. 

 

Isak shook his head slightly.  "Well shit." 

 

Wyatt just sent him a perplexed look, asking for him to elaborate. 

 

"I just realized I'm gonna miss you."   

 

Wyatt rolled his eyes, but instead of walking away or pushing him over in jest, he took his hand in his and clasped it slightly.  "I'm gonna miss you too kid." 

 

And for the first time that summer, Isak shed a tear mourning the loss of a new life - a new friend - he was leaving behind.   

 

He didn’t know how long they sat there on that bench holding hands, and he didn't care.  It was intimate without being romantic.  It was a new kind of love that Isak was discovering.  A love that came quickly and without preamble.  It came unexpectedly and didn't wait for you to catch up and understand.  It knew no bounds and attached itself to whatever soul it deemed fit, bringing with it a heady devotion and loyalty that could shatter stone with its grip. 

 

Wyatt hadn't walked with him through a traumatic life like Jonas and Ollie.  He hadn't spent years with him learning all of his peculiarities and memorizing his favorite foods or getting to know his loved ones on a personal level, blurring the line between family and best friend.  But still, he loved him. 

 

And Wyatt wasn't like Even, who also held the title as best friend, but came into his life divergently.  Who showered him with a tenderness you couldn’t help but reciprocate even on your worst days, and provided a reliability so strong and sure, you refused to question its source no matter how undeserved it seemed.  But still, he loved him. 

 

He loved Wyatt, and the reasons why didn't matter, because as Isak was learning – love doesn't always come with an explanation.  It just happens, and you either deny it exists and refuse what it's offering, or you can succumb to it and live within its limitless existence.  And Isak was choosing love.  He was choosing this unexpected friendship.  And so, they sat a little while longer and held hands.  And for those minutes on that bench, Isak forgot that summer was ending. 

 

- 

 

The fire was dimming as the last of the party crowd were leaving, many of which had decided to continue the party over at the common room where it was much warmer.   

 

Grabbing his backpack, Isak made his way over to the small clearing of pebbled beach before the line of trees turned into a dense thicket of forest where he found Even sitting, wrapped up in his hoodie and hand running back and forth along the smooth stones beneath him. 

 

He sat down next to him silently and fixed his gaze up above him, where a full moon was blazing and the sky was covered in a glittered galaxy, more vibrant than anything Isak had ever seen in real life. 

 

"Have you ever heard of the  _Proust Phenomenon_?"  He broke the quiet with his question and took Even's silence as an invitation to continue.  "It's named after a French writer who romanticized the trigger of vivid memories evoked by an odor or scent.  Apparently, he dipped some cookie in a cup of tea and the smell of it suddenly jolted him back to his childhood."  He looked over and saw the upturn of a small grin forming on Evens mouth.  "Anyways, the science behind it is actually really interesting - " 

 

"God, you are such a nerd."  Even interrupted him but his face was fond, so fond. 

 

Isak ignored him.  "As I was saying, the science behind it all is really interesting.  Scents actually pass through your olfactory glands for your brain to process, which happens to be right next to the region of your brain that processes emotions and memories.  None of our other senses do this."  He trailed off as Even leaned in and rested his head on Isak's shoulder, causing him to forget his train of thought. 

 

Deciding to just go with it, Isak gave in and wrapped his arm around Even's shoulders to make their position more comfortable, enjoying the heat of Even's body against his as a cool breeze made its way off of the lake and rushed over all of his exposed skin, resulting in a small shiver. 

 

Even hummed softly.  "The amygdala and hippocampus." 

 

"What?" 

 

"That's where you left off.  The amygdala and hippocampus are the parts of the brain that process emotions and memories." 

 

Isak took the opportunity to pull a loose strand of Even's hair hard enough to be irritating, satisfied when Even shifted slightly and groaned at the small pain.  

 

"How did you know?  And why did you let me continue?" 

 

"I have my masters in Psychology Isak.  It's like you forget that part of me all the time." 

 

"I really do.  It's weird thinking you're two seconds away from being a doctor when I'm the one doing your laundry." 

 

"I'm not two seconds away from being a doctor."  He nuzzled his head further into Isak's shoulder.  "Also, you're cuter than me when you talk nerd." 

 

Isak placed his cheek on the crown of Even's head and closed his eyes.  "I'm just cuter than you in general." 

 

"Hmm, that's true." 

 

Isak's phone started beeping as the alarm he set earlier went off. 

 

Even sat up as Isak reached into his pocket to shut the offending noise off. 

 

"What was that for?"  Even asked, looking adorably disgruntled at losing his cuddle position. 

 

"It's midnight."  Even just stared at Isak, waiting for further explanation.  "It's your birthday."   

 

Even's face relaxed in the softest of ways, and no matter how much it made Isak squirm, he couldn't look away.  "You set an alarm for my birthday?" 

 

Isak Shrugged.  "Yeah, well I didn't know how the evening was going to go and I wanted to make sure I remembered to give you this."  He reached into his backpack and pulled out the small gift box that he had Matty wrap for him.   

 

He handed it over to Even whose head was tilted and eyes were still fixed so heavily on Isak he swore he could feel it in his chest.   

 

He took the gift from his hand, gaze never shifting from Isak's.  The look on his face wasn't as soft anymore, but it wasn't harsh either.  It had shifted to something more weighted.  And through all of the emotions pouring out of him, Isak could see a question.  He could see a small amount of trepidation.  He knew it was there, because if he were to look in a mirror right now he'd see the same thing on his face. 

 

Something had changed and it was too overwhelming of a situation to control and manage.  And if there was anything Isak was still trying to work into his evolution, it was relinquishing the things he had no control over. 

 

But tonight was not that night.   

 

It wasn't a simple fix either.  It wasn't as simple as looking away from Even, because he knew he would still be sitting there looking back at Isak and waiting.  Waiting for what?  That was the question whose answer would open a Pandora's box of complications he wasn't ready to address. 

 

"Even," It came out as little more than a whisper, but that was all he could force out.  "Can you please stop looking at me like that?" 

 

His gaze grew more intense and Isak's senses heightened as he felt Even look back in something between a challenge and a plea.  "Do I have to?"   

 

Isak swallowed, the movement slow and deliberate.  The rhythm in his heart was picking up and he didn't have the time, energy, or wherewithal to sort out what was happening – what had  _been_  happening all day.  "Yes." 

 

Even's eyes followed his, moving back and forth for a moment.  "Ok."   

 

Isak took in a deep soothing breath, feeling his pulse slow down as Even looked away, ripped at the wrapping, and opened his gift, revealing a grey Herschel beanie. 

 

"It's not new or anything.  It's mine."  Even just stared at the gift.  "I found it in your wardrobe a couple weeks ago and have been wearing it to sleep every night so it would smell like me."     

 

"Proust Phenomenon." Even whispered happily.  Isak let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding – Even  _got_  it. 

 

"Yeah.  The Proust Phenomenon."   

 

Even picked up the beanie, clutching it in his fist and looking out over the lake – eyebrows knit together in concentration.  "You're making this all very difficult." 

 

Isak didn't ask what he meant.  He just knew it was a conversation he wasn't ready for.  Instead they sat there together, both taking in their moonlit surroundings while they got lost in their own thoughts.   

 

After a while, Isak felt Even rustling beside him before he took his hand and placed something in his palm.  "Penny for your thoughts?"  Isak looked down and saw a dime resting in his hand. 

 

He pursed his lips before closing his fingers around the coin.  "Is this the Idaho dime?" 

 

Even laughed, and an enormous amount of levity appeared.  "It is, and it has 9 more cents worth of thoughts, so I'm cashing one in now." 

 

Something warm filled him up at the thought of this small gesture becoming something that belonged to them.  Just them.  It was the same warmth he felt earlier today on the lake.  The same warmth he'd been feeling for a while wherever Even was concerned.   

 

Even.  His best friend. 

 

"Remember the night I came out to you?" 

 

Something dark washed over Even's features.  "Yeah – that was one of the scariest nights of my life."   

 

"Why?"   

 

"I walked in to find you hyperventilating on our floor.  I had no idea how long you had been there, and you were all alone."  His voice cracked, and something inside Isak did as well.  "It was a lot to walk into." 

 

Isak let this information digest for a moment.  He never really gave too much thought to what he must have looked like during that panic attack or what Even must have been feeling himself having to deal with all of that.   

 

"Isak, stop thinking so loud.  You're not a burden and that night wasn't about me.  I'm allowed to be scared when someone I love is hurting." 

 

 _Someone I love._  

 

He knew Even loved him.  Of course he did.  He loved him back.  But this was the first time he was hearing the words, and well – there was that unmistakable warmth again. 

 

"I know.  I just never asked you about it." 

 

"I didn't expect you to." 

 

Isak nodded absently at that until he remembered he had been saying something.  "What I was getting at was, that night you called me your best friend, and it scared me.  I guess for a while I believed that love and friendships had a clock to them – not because they expired but because I didn't believe deep affection could grow without putting in extensive lengths of time.  So it was strange and scary to me that you were able to give me that place in your life so quickly."  He took a moment to gather his thoughts.  He wanted to get this out.

 

"The thing that made it scarier was that I knew you weren't lying.  So I couldn't even be mad at you for cheapening something that is so sacred to me.  But I hate not understanding myself – so I spent a while turning the whole ordeal over in my head - and then I remembered a line from a TV show Nicole used to watch." 

 

Even wasn't looking at him, but he could see his lopsided smile from the side. 

 

"The lead actress was asked how she could have so many best friends, because there could only be one  _'best_ '.  And her response was,  _'Best friend isn't a person, it's a tier.'_ " 

 

Even still wasn't looking at him. 

 

"Even, look at me." 

 

"You asked me not to."   

 

"Well I changed my mind."  He was desperate and he needed to see Even.  Needed Even to see him. 

 

He turned and faced Isak.  Eyes penetrating and his whole body emitting everything from affection and kindness, to tenderness and passion.  It was a lot and it made him realize why he asked him to look away before.  Isak took a moment, and when he spoke, the words weren't as loud.  He continued anyway. 

 

"You're my best friend Even and I love you too.  That's my one cent worth of thoughts." 

 

They sat there looking at each other, and the moment was reminiscent of the night in the car coming back from Idaho.  Just the two of them and the moonlight.  But this time Isak didn't want it interrupted by bleak news.  So he took Even's hand and placed the dime in his palm.  "Penny for your thoughts?" 

 

"Move to New York with me." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, thank you so much for all of you who have been following this story. Being my first fan fic ever - this holds a very dear place in my heart and all of you have made this so much fun and I cannot wait to continue this story.
> 
> Please leave some kudos and drop a line about what you think so far - it warms my stone cold heart.
> 
>  
> 
> **Tumblr:**   
>  [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been a week since Even’s birthday. A week since the night out by the lake, just the two of them. A week since Even looked at him with too many unspoken words and Isak found breathing to be a difficult task under Even’s gaze.  
> A week since Isak started to notice Even.  
> A week since he had asked Isak to move in with him.  
> A week since Isak said no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are back! This is the longest I have ever gone without posting - and the truth is that this was a chapter I didn't want to cheapen by just putting something together for the sake of having something out quickly.
> 
> This is also the first time I have ever cried while writing something. So lot's of firsts all over the place.
> 
> "Hey Tabitha, are you going to mention how much you love Skamsnake like you do every other chapter?"
> 
> Oh my god, thank you for asking! Yes, yes I am.
> 
> Honestly, this chapter connected with me deeply and it also had a lot of questions with it. While I knew where it started and how it ended, there were some uncertainties on how to get there - and Skamsnake was so patient and thoughtful and over all just lovely. Honestly, there should be a day set aside for recognizing Beta's and what they provide to fic writers.
> 
> Ok, enough rambling. Without further ado, I present to you ACT TWO.
> 
> (Hey, that rhymed. )

**ACT TWO**

CHAPTER EIGHT

 

 

 

 

 

 

> **_Then_ **
> 
>  
> 
> _“Move to New York with me.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak’s whole world seemed to stop with one sentence._
> 
>  
> 
> _“What?”  He had heard him, but he needed more time to process._
> 
>  
> 
> _Even cleared his throat - a move that seemed to try and break some of the tension surrounding them, but did nothing to alleviate the intensity of the moment._
> 
>  
> 
> _“My grandmother is transferring the deed of her property to me.  The apartment is huge - my dad grew up there with his brothers. It’s been renovated, and outside of utilities, there isn’t a mortgage.  It’s almost idyllic. Just -”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He paused, licking his lips to take a deep breath before looking out past Isak for a moment._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Is it ridiculous to not want to leave you yet?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _And there was something in his voice, something so fierce and determined, yet broken and desperate.  Because of course it wasn’t ridiculous - didn’t Isak feel the same way as well? This strange and instantaneous connection that seemed indelible in a way that was adverse to the simplistic manner in which it was created._
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak wanted to shake his head and tell him no, but he just sat there staring at his friend._
> 
>  
> 
> _Of the few things he knew to be true in this moment - he was certain he didn’t want to leave Even either - but the moment they’d had before this wouldn’t leave his mind.  Couldn’t leave his mind. It had been heavy. It had been filled with so many things - things that Isak knew he wasn’t ready to tackle yet. Things he didn’t have the emotional stability to handle or the mental clarity to understand.  Things that he wasn’t sure he was ready to accept. But things he understood needed to be acknowledged in some way, sooner rather than later._
> 
>  
> 
> _Just not yet._
> 
>  
> 
> _But Even - Even seemed so eager.  And Isak knew he needed to be careful how he approached his answer.  He didn’t want to give any indication that he was looking to head into an exchange about the silent words and discussion they had been having today.  Yes, he loved Even. Yes, Even was a permanent fixture in his life. Yes, he trusted him in a way that was once only reserved for the few people who had proven their loyalties over time. And yes, he wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye to him either, but how was it so easy for Even to say something like,_ ‘Is it ridiculous to not want to leave you yet’ _even if it was the truest thing to ask?_
> 
>  

**_Now_ **

 

Isak groaned in his bed as the abrupt sound of his alarm stirred him awake.  Blindly fumbling around on his nightstand, he managed to grab a hold of his phone and brought it eye-level as he shut the offending noise off, tossing the phone carelessly somewhere on his bed.  

 

He gazed up at the slight cracks in the ceiling, eyes too tired to focus on anything really.  

 

Today was exit day for him.  

 

The last week had been a bit more emotional than he anticipated, despite everyone else’s warnings.  Especially last night, when he said goodbye to Matty.

 

He didn’t cry, or at least not in front of anyone.  And really, could a few stray tears actually count as crying?  

 

Matty had made him a care package that was full of flavored lubes, condoms, and questionable looking sex toys in neon pink packaging.  

 

 _“You’re my baby gay.  I can’t leave you all alone without the proper tools to arm you with.”_ He had said it with such genuine sincerity that Isak couldn’t even laugh at the absurdity of the gesture.  He had invited Isak to a quick lunch in town with him and Jakob, but he turned it down - having promised his manager he would help ready the restaurant for the closed winter season.  With three long hugs, as many kisses on the cheeks, and promises to text and Facetime often - he said goodbye to the closest thing he’d ever had to an older sibling.

 

It hurt like hell.

 

Sighing from the prior days’ memories, Isak sat up in his bed and rubbed at his eyes and face in an effort to wake himself up.  He looked across the room at the stripped bed and empty wardrobe and dresser that had once been full of Even.

 

Gone.  It was all gone.  And soon he would be too.

 

His phone started buzzing with notifications and he reached over to read the text messages coming through.

 

**____________________**

**Los Losers**

 

 **Jonas:**  Morning Issy!

 

 **Ollie:**  Morning Issy!!!!

 

No.

 

 **Ollie:**  I told you he would be cranky.

 

 **Jonas:**  Yes yes, you were right and I was wrong.

 

 **Ollie:** But I mean, who here is surprised?

 

 **Jonas:**  Not me.  
Definitely never me.

 

I am

 

 **Jonas:** He didn’t mean that.

 

Yes I did,

 

 **Jonas:** No he didn’t. He’s cranky cos it’s early  
and he’s leaving all of his new friends.

 

I meant what I said.  You’re just jumping to  
her side cos she’s sleeping with you now.

And yes - it’s too damn early and i’m gonna miss my friends!  
Fuck you!

 

**Ollie has left the conversation**

 

 **Jonas:**  Ollie says that she feels bad that you  
are having to say goodbye to your friends,  
but not enough to rejoin the chat.

 

Ok…?

 

 **Jonas:** She is also requesting (demanding)  
that you never refer to the two of us being  
sexually active again.

 

And i’m demanding that no one is this group  
chat use the phrase ‘sexually active’ ever again.

 

 **Jonas:** Ollie says she can agree to those terms.

 

If you keep talking for her, i’m going to throw  
up and then leave this conversation.

 

**Ollie has been added to the group Los Losers**

 

 **Ollie:** You’re so fucking dramatic!!

 

Me?!  
I’m dramatic?!  
Who the fuck are you?!  
Leaving the chat and having Jonas do your speaking for you while you give  
me the silent treatment!

Actually, you know what - that sounds about right.

 

 **Ollie:** Oh my god, we get it.  You’re super sad  
and cranky to be leaving all of these important people.

You hate mornings and are perpetually insufferable.

Jesus, wasn’t coming out supposed to make you a happier person?

 

I swear to god Jonas, control your woman.

 

 **Ollie:** Come over here and make him Valtersen!

 

 **Jonas:** Fucking hell! Both of you chill!  
What the hell?!

 

…

 

 **Ollie:** Sorry.

 

Me too.

I am cranky and I am tired.  
But I’m still sorry.

 

 **Ollie:** I got carried away.  
Sorry.

 

 **Jonas:** And…?

 

 **Ollie:** Ugh! Dammit Vasquez!

…

I miss you and i’m mad you’re not coming home.

 

What?  I was never coming home.

 

 **Ollie:** Well it was never set in stone.  
I figured you’d come back and we’d be back together again.  
Didn’t plan on you being a vagabond and moving all over the damn country.

And plus - can you even handle a real winter??  
The only fun things to do are skiing and shit.  
It’s sounds awful.

It’s best if you just come home before you die from hypothermia.

 

 **Jonas:** Actually, if you were going to choose a way to go - I’ve  
heard freezing is actually quite peaceful.

 

WTF?!

 

 **Ollie:** Go home Vasquez! Nobody asked you.

 

Yeah, nobody asked you!

 

 **Jonas:**  You’re at my house Ollie. You leave.  
(please don’t)  
And also, you two were literally just fighting, how am I the bad guy?

…

Hello?

…

Why is no one responding?

 

Ollie?

 

 **Ollie:** Iss?

 

Can I be a little sappy for a minute without you  
holding it over my head for the rest of my life?

 

 **Ollie:** A snowball’s chance in hell.

 

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

 

 **Ollie:** I am nothing, if not consistent.

 

Yes.  It was all very on-brand for you.  
Anyways, I’ll take my chances.  
I miss you everyday Ollie.  
My chest literally aches withhow much I miss you.  
But I can’t come back there.  
At least not right now.  

 

 **Ollie:** I know.  I know.

 

But we’ll figure something out, once i’m in a  
settled place i’ll have you come visit me, yeah?

 

 **Ollie:** Yeah.

Does Vasquez have to be there?

 

I’d prefer it if he weren’t

 

 **Jonas:** This is taking a turn…

 

 **Ollie:** Will you braid my hair without complaining?

 

Ugh!  
You get one day of no bickering from me.  
But that’s it.  After that I won’t be able to take it much more.

 

 **Ollie:** Deal.

 

 **Jonas:**  Hey.  
It’s me, Jonas.  
One third of this trio.  
Best friend to both of you.  
Boyfriend to one of you.  
Glue that keeps this whole operation together.

 

He’s so needy.

 

 **Ollie:** So god damn needy.

 

**Jonas has left this conversation**

 

He’ll be fine, right?

 

 **Ollie:** Yeah.  He likes to pretend he’s the chill  
one in the group, but he likes being the center  
of attention as much as the two of us.  
If he starts crying about it, i’ll take care of him.

 

Eww, Ollie!  
Come on!

 

 **Ollie:** Hahaha!   Oh hush, you’re fine.

 

…

 

So, how are things with Even…?

 

Nope.

 

Nope?

 

Not now.  
I’ve got a ton of shit to get through today, and  
i’m not ready to revisit the whole Even conversation.

 

 **Ollie:** Ok.

 

Ok.

…

 

I gotta get going.  Tell Jonas I love him.

 

 **Ollie:** I will.  

Keep us updated once you leave!

 Love you Iss. <3

 

Love you too Ollie. <3

 

**____________________**

 

Isak went through the two remaining unopened messages in his inbox before resigning himself to getting up and starting his day.

 

**____________________**

**Matty**

Woke up in Seattle this morning!

 

Did you know the Space Needle isn’t actually a UFO?!

 

Men In Black lied to us all.

**____________________**

 

**____________________**

**Even Is Super Hot**

 

Matthew just text me.

He found out the truth about the Space Needle.

How long until he realizes you can’t wipe out  
someone's memory with a flash of light?

 

I give it a month before he tries.

 

Wow, you’re not as gracious as me.

I figure he’ll chat someone up on the street  
and they’ll break the news to him.

One week, tops.

 

I’m much more realistic than you.

 

Whatever.

…

So...what’s my contact name on your phone?

 

I’m rolling my eyes at you right now.

 

So, you haven’t changed it then?

 

No Even, because going into my contact list and  
re-assigning names to my friends and family  
isn’t high on my list of priorities.

 

I’m just saying, it’s been over a week Isak.  
If you really hated it you could have changed it back by now.

 

Even Is Super Hot seemed like an appropriate description of your vanity.

 

I’m trying something new.

How does it make you feel?

To me, this name really resonates deeply with me.

 

It makes me feel like I want to know how  
you always know my passwords.

 

If you’re not gonna use your own birthday, why  
would you bother using Jonas’s birthday?

 

How the hell do you know Jonas’s birthday??

 

The same way I knew yours.

 

???????

 

Jonas text me.

 

How do you have Jonas’s number…?

 

Gotta go.  Connection is bad.

 

Seriously!

Even!

...

You’re so irritating.

 

<3

**____________________**

 

Isak let the tightness in his chest that came with seeing Even’s name on his phone, be replaced with the small fond smile that was finding its way onto his face as he got out of bed and dressed into the set of clothes he had set out for himself, stuffing the shirt he slept in into a suitcase, before grabbing his keys and one duffle bag.  

 

It was time to move out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

> **_Then_ **
> 
>  
> 
> _“This better be important Isak.  I have work super early tomorrow and this event won’t run itself.”  Ollie was on the other end of the line, voice rough from sleep and tone as sharp as usual._
> 
>  
> 
> _It had been a week since Even’s birthday.  A week since the night out by the lake, just the two of them.  A week since Even looked at him with too many unspoken words and Isak found breathing to be a difficult task under Even’s gaze._
> 
>  
> 
> _A week since Isak started to notice Even._
> 
>  
> 
> _A week since he had asked Isak to move in with him._
> 
>  
> 
> _A week since Isak said no._
> 
>  
> 
> _An entire week had passed and he still couldn’t sleep._
> 
>  
> 
> _Things between the two of them had been, fine.  At least from the outside looking in, nothing had changed.  They still ate most meals together, still hung out on each others’ bed watching films and talking about nothing and everything, and they still worked like a well oiled machine together.  Everything was fine._
> 
>  
> 
> _But that was the problem - it was all fine._
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak hated_ fine. _They had never been_ fine _before. Before all of this, they had been perfect. They had been impenetrable and strong, but now they seemed delicate and fragile. Like at any moment a soft breeze could blow and knock the entire thing down and break it into a mess that was unable to be put back together._
> 
>  
> 
> _And even that line of thinking was stupid and Isak knew it. Even wouldn’t leave him, at least not emotionally. But that’s what all of this felt like, it felt like it could go either way and nothing was certain anymore._
> 
>  
> 
> Fine _was bullshit. Isak wanted perfect back._
> 
>  
> 
> _He focused back to the present, remembering Ollie on the phone._
> 
>  
> 
> _“I’m sorry. I know it’s late, I just need a minute.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He heard rustling on the other end before she spoke again. “Do you need some help getting it out or do you want some quiet?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _And this is why he called Ollie. They shared this bond that was almost telepathic sometimes. She could sense when things were serious enough to tread carefully but she always asked questions in order keep him communicating. Isak had a nasty habit of clamming up and suppressing important and sometimes traumatic events._
> 
>  
> 
> _He decided to just get on with it._
> 
>  
> 
> _“What changed for you when it came to Jonas?  What I mean is - “ He shook his head to try and dispel his thoughts.  Reroute them and try again._
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak was pacing in front of a bench outside of his building, no light except for that of the moon and the glow from a window on the second floor where someone was still awake in their room. He stopped his frantic movements and dropped himself onto the bench in defeat, taking a moment to allow himself a few calming breaths before he continued._
> 
>  
> 
> _“What I mean is, how did you know you had serious feelings for him and they weren’t just misplaced emotions because of how close we all are?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _She yawned deeply. “Glad to see you’re throwing the easy questions out at 3:00 in the morning.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He threw his head back and groaned. He felt bad - but not bad enough to hang up, and she knew it._
> 
>  
> 
> _“I don’t know Iss. It was probably a culmination of a few things maybe?” She said it like it was a question. Like it was something she had never considered and was only just putting any real thought into it now - which was fair._
> 
>  
> 
> _“I think for starters, I never felt that way toward you.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“But I’m gay.” He interrupted her, feeling annoyed at having to state the obvious._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Yes, but you never told me that until a few months ago.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak rolled his eyes, not even caring that she couldn’t see. He trusted his emotions to get through to her across state lines from a phone call.  “You knew, Ollie. I know you did. You knew before I did.” He spit out the words, hating to be reminded of_ that _night._
> 
>  
> 
> _She sighed, and for the first time in a long time she didn’t lose her patience with him and his bitchy attitude.  Honestly, she deserved a medal._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Sure, but you never told me.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _She emphasized each word, letting her intention seep through as she allowed the silence to hang for a moment afterwards before continuing._
> 
>  
> 
> _“I can speculate theories about people until I’m blue in the face, but I know nothing about you until you tell me it’s true.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak lifted his head from where it rested on the back of the bench and leaned forward, elbows on his knees as he stared into the thicket of trees in front of him._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Still” he began, “seems like a long and round about way to figure out your feelings for Jonas.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Not really. I mean, arguably I’m closer to you than him.” She paused, silently pleading with Isak not to repeat that to Jonas. Isak knew better than to do that, and with a soft chuckle from him, she continued. “If I was going to have any misplaced feelings toward anyone, it was going to be you Iss. And that just never happened.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Hmm.”  It wasn’t a thought out response.  He was too preoccupied with the hundreds of other thoughts zipping their way through his brain, too fast for him to properly focus._
> 
>  
> 
> _He was so tired._
> 
>  
> 
> _She broke the silence with the next obvious question.  “Did you ever have feelings for me or Jonas?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“No.”  He didn’t even have to think about it. The answer was glaringly obvious. He loved both of them dearly. He’d do anything for the two of them - but romantic thoughts were never something that came up when it came to his best friends. Maybe it was because he truly never felt anything for them, or maybe it was because there would have been so much shame attached to the idea of being in love with Jonas that his mind and heart wouldn’t even allow those thoughts and feelings to make an appearance._
> 
>  
> 
> _Either way, it had never been an issue._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Umm, alright. I mean you could have at least pretended to think about that before answering so quickly, but whatever.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He hummed in amusement at her indignation and sat still for a few moments, listening to her breaths and the sounds of leaves rustling around him from the cool evening breeze._
> 
>  
> 
> _God, he just wanted to sleep so bad._
> 
>  
> 
> _“You wanna talk about Even now, or what?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He had two options here.  He could pretend he didn’t know what she was referring to and use his expertise in denial, or he could just give in, admit what he didn’t even know, and hope for some liberation._
> 
>  
> 
> _He chose the latter._
> 
>  
> 
> _“He asked me to move to New York with him.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak heard the static noise through the receiver as Ollie blew out a loud breath._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Well fuck me.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak nodded even though she couldn’t see him.  “Yeah. I know.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“What else?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak pinched the bridge of his nose and stifled a yawn.  “What do you mean what else?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“I mean, what’s the issue here?  He asked you to move to New York with him, and that’s a big deal because it’s more of a permanent decision than you thought you’d be making at this point, sure.  But why did he ask you? Is this just a formality before he proposes to you, or was he just offering you to be his roommate because you two are best friends.” She only paused for a moment before quickly adding, “And don’t think I don’t know he’s your best friend.  That’s an issue for another day though.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He glossed over her last comment for the time being.  “Fuck, when you present it like that I feel like i’m overthinking everything and now I’m just mad at myself for losing sleep over this.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Maybe you are overthinking it.”  She hummed quietly in thought on the other end of the line.  “Or, I don’t know. Maybe you’re not. Sorry if I trivialized this in anyway.  That’s not what I meant.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak stood up, wincing at the sound of his knees cracking as he stretched his legs._
> 
>  
> 
> _“It’s fine.  It’s late. Go back to bed.”  He started to make his way towards the stairs of his building.  He felt dumb for calling her so late on a weeknight. Dumb and a little weak.  It’s not like he hadn’t dealt with episodes of insomnia in the past. This wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle on his own._
> 
>  
> 
> _“No it’s fine.  I’m awake now. I had to pee anyways.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Ollie, are you peeing with me on the phone?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _She let out an exasperated sound.  “Iss, if I say no, we both know I will be lying.  So get over your fake modesty for a moment and focus please.”  He heard the muted sound of a toilet flushing before approaching the railing of the stairwell and resting his head on it._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Why am I friends with you?”  It came out as a mumble, but he knew she heard him._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Please, tell me more about how it’s okay for you and Jonas to whip it out in front of a bush while we’re all out, but how scandalous it is for me to relieve myself while i’m on the phone with you.  I love the taste of double standards in the wee hours of the morning.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He faintly heard the white noise of water running out of the tap followed by other noises he couldn’t distinguish before she started speaking again._
> 
>  
> 
> _“I didn’t articulate myself well enough earlier.  I was just trying to understand if there was more to this call.  So Even asked you to be his roommate - what’s the problem? Is it because you already accepted the job in Colorado?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He could faintly make out the sounds of Ollie opening and closing her cabinets, picturing her taking out her favorite mug to make some tea._
> 
>  
> 
> _“No, Colorado has nothing to do with it, although that isn’t necessarily an opportunity I want to give up either.”  How did he express a set of thoughts and emotions out loud that he still hadn’t processed internally?_
> 
>  
> 
> _And as if she was reading his mind, “Just say whatever comes out of your mouth first Iss.  Don’t overthink it.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _So he just spilled whatever was sitting in his thoughts.  “Some days I think he is flirting with me, and other days I’m not so sure.  And on the days when it feels like he is, I enjoy it. I mean, of course I do - right?  It’s flattering. Who doesn’t enjoy being flirted with? And that’s the problem - because if i’m eating up his attention so much, then what does it say about me? What does that make me? And yeah, he’s my best friend and it’s a nice offer and it’d be nice to start over somewhere actually knowing someone this time around, but is it okay for me to accept that invitation when I can’t even allow myself to be in his presence some days without feeling like I need to be the center of his attention?  Isn’t that fucked up? Wouldn’t it be terrible and uncomfortable for me to put either of us in that sort of living situation? And why do I need his attention to begin with? Do I need to just start dating people? Not just people - but men. Men Ollie. Dating men! Do I need to get laid?! Am I even fucking ready for that?! Shit, I mean I’m a virgin Ollie! A former, deeply closeted virgin who couldn’t even jack off without it being drenched in shame - how the hell am I supposed to get into the dating game?!  And in New york! That has got to be the most terrifying place to just jump into a life of Tinder and Grindr -”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Holy fuck! Shut up for a second!”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He stopped, realizing he was now gripping the railing in front of him, knuckles white from the tension.  He relaxed his hand and let it fall to his side, walking around to sit on the bottom step._
> 
>  
> 
> _“No wonder you can’t fucking sleep.  You’re gonna give me insomnia by association with all that shit.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak stayed silent.  He didn’t have anything else to add that wouldn’t end up sounding redundant anyway._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Iss, you’ve dealt with a lot over the course of a short time - you need to let yourself catch up a little.  Tackle one thing at a time. Take care of what you can now, and the things that you can’t - worry about them when it’s necessary.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak let out a small whine as tears he didn’t know he was holding in began rushing down his cheeks.  “I don’t know what happened Olls. I’m fine, I swear. Happy, even.” He took in a stuttering breath and wiped at his face with his free hand.  Things aren’t bad, but I’m just so fucking tired.” It came out in a desperate whisper._
> 
>  
> 
> _“You’re not giving yourself enough credit.  You’re putting too many expectations on yourself right now.  Isak, you came out at the beginning of this Summer. I have some authority in knowing exactly how difficult that was for you.  So don’t bother questioning me.” She paused, waiting to see if he’d argue, but he knew better, and didn’t have the energy to anyway._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Not only did you come out,” Her tone turned gentle and earnest. “but you did it without your normal support system and in a strange place.  That is a lot Iss. That is enough to warrant some stress induced sleepless nights. And we haven’t even touched on all of the Calvary and Jason shit that has been haunting you, how much you miss us and your sisters, your relationship with your mother that I know is still weighing on your shoulders even though you don’t talk about it, and all the stimulation of moving, meeting new people and navigating those relationships.  It’s a lot and it’s overwhelming as hell Isak. It was bound to catch up with you. Of course you’re tired. Of course you’re stressed, even though things seem to be going well. And really, it sounds like this stuff with Even is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.” She sighed. “Again Iss, of course you’re tired.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He could hear the bleakness in that last statement and knew she was hurting for him._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Yeah.” He conceded. “You’re right.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Don’t stress too much about Even.  He’s hot, I’m a little upset he doesn’t flirt with me more often.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“More often?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Yeah, why do you think I time our Facetime dates when I do?  I need some Even attention too. It’s like a drug, I swear.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He let out a loud burst of wet sounding laughter before covering his mouth, remembering the late hour._
> 
>  
> 
> _“As for the New York move - you’ll figure it out.  It sounds cool and I’d probably give a limb to be his roommate.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Ollie keep it in your pants for two seconds.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“I’m just saying.  I’m only human.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Barely.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“I’m ignoring you in order to be the bigger person.  And as the bigger and better person I’m also going to say that Colorado sounds really great too.  It’s a shorter commitment while still being able to learn new skills while you figure out the rest.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _The breeze picked up and sent a shiver down Isak’s body and he suddenly craved the warmth of his bed, thinking he could even get a few hours of sleep tonight._
> 
>  
> 
> _“One more thing Iss.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Hmm?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“I think it’s okay to want to start dating - no matter what that looks like for you.  You deserve to have some fun without worrying about or overthinking the implications.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Ugh.  That feels like another conversation for another time.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He stood up to make his way upstairs when he heard muffled voices on the other line._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Who’re you talking to?”  He lowered his voice as he opened the door to his hall, fumbling around his pockets for his keys._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Jonas.  He woke up and was just checking on me.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak smiled to himself as he listened to the domesticity of that statement._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Seems like we all have come a long way from our Calvary days in a short period of time.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _She scoffed.  “To be fair, I ignored the idea of no sex before marriage long before you decided to come out and Jonas decided I was even worth his time.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Ollie, of course you are.”  He listened to her breath get heavier the faint noise of her squirming around wherever she was.  “Take the compliment Ollie. It’s true. You deserve good things too.  And Jonas - he really loves you.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He could feel her smile over the phone._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Yeah,” she said.  “I think you’re right.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _After giving each other quiet goodbye’s, Isak hung up and quietly snuck in through his door, guiding himself with the light of his phone._
> 
>  
> 
> _He sat on the edge of his bed and was sliding off his shoes while his eyes adjusted to the dark, broken only by the ambient glow of his screensaver, while he took a minute to glance over at Even._
> 
>  
> 
> _He was sprawled out on his back, one arm resting on his chest while the other was stretched out to the side.  The covers were one kick away from falling off his body completely. Isak had never known any adult to move around in their sleep as much as Even did.  Isak had the urge to walk over and bring the blankets back over his body. Even never slept with pants on and he knew he’d get cold eventually. Instead he turned around and started emptying his pockets onto his dresser._
> 
>  
> 
> _He startled slightly when he heard the squeak of Even’s mattress right before his vision was slightly disoriented by the soft light of Even’s bedside lamp filling the room._
> 
>  
> 
> _“You alright?”  Even’s voice was gravelly and broken from sleep.  He reached over to his phone and looked at it, presumably to check the time, before looking back at Isak._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Yeah.  I couldn’t sleep.  Didn’t mean to wake you.”  Isak stood up to remove his clothes before throwing on a thin pair of joggers to sleep in, never one to be bothered with shirts at in bed  He turned back around and found Even sitting up against his pillows, sleepy eyes still fixed on Isak.  Without saying a word, he lifted the corner of his duvet, silently inviting Isak to sleep with him._
> 
>  
> 
> Don’t overthink it.
> 
>  
> 
> _He walked the few steps to Even’s bed, and slid under the covers, lying on his stomach and relaxing into the pillow and mattress as Even shut the light off and placed his arm around Isak’s waist, tucking him into his chest._
> 
>  
> 
> _He reached up and twirled a few curls on his fingers while he spoke.  “I’m sorry you can’t sleep.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _"It’s not your fault.”  Isak yawned deeply, feeling fatigue begin to win this battle._
> 
>  
> 
> _Even pressed his mouth to the top of Isak’s head right as he was drifting off, before whispering, “Isn’t it?_
> 
>  

**_Now_ **

 

He put down the last piece of luggage he had and set it out by the picnic bench, heading over to the metal dropbox intended for key return.  Placing the envelope with his room and work keys into the slot, he turned around to find Wyatt across the courtyard heading his way.

 

The weather had been cooling down, the warmer summer breezes leaving and making way for crisp cool autumn air.  Soon the leaves would be turning, covering the mountains in rich warm hues of gold, red, and orange while the wildlife prepared for winter and everything calmed down and became quiet.  

 

Isak tugged the sleeves of his thin sweater over his hands and watched as Wyatt got closer.  He felt the all too familiar sting in his chest as his final goodbye approached. The last two weeks had been full of this feeling.  

 

He expected the heartbreak from those he’d grown closest too.  Like with Alecia. He borrowed Even’s car over a week ago to drive her and her husband to the airport, refusing to allow them to take the shuttle into town.  They found a small diner to have breakfast at before they had to get through security, and though most of the meal was spent in silence, she never took her hand from his knee the entire time.  

 

She squeezed him in front of the TSA agent and made him promise to take a trip to Jamaica one day.  She in turn promised him a room to stay in and home cooked meals.

 

_“Jamaica is definitely high on my list of places to visit.  I promise you’ll see me again.”_

 

_He reached over to give her husband a hug before pulling away and stuffing his hands in his pockets awkwardly.  She raised an eyebrow at him in that alarmingly all-knowing way of hers._

 

_“I have a stipulation to the free room and meals now.”  Her husband looked between the two of them, shaking his head slightly and walking away._

 

_“Oh?  What’s that?”_

 

_“You can’t come without Even.”_

 

_“Alecia, that’s absurd.”_

 

_“I said what I said.  Now off with you.” Her thick accent was clouded with the premature signs of tears.  He nodded and gave her one last smile, understanding her need to be alone, and made his way out of the airport._

 

He didn’t go back home until after dinner time that day.

 

That had been a painful evening, and as much as it had hurt - he had expected it.  It was the smaller goodbyes that he didn’t expect to have as much of an impact on him.  Not realizing how much of a community he’d been a part of until it was time to leave. When the recognition dawned on him that he would never work another shift with Ramone or play late night card games with Dakota or fight with Dina on how to properly pronounce something in _any_ language - he felt the pieces of his heart break little by little.

 

This place was single handedly the scariest and best time of his life thus far.  Had he placed any real expectations on what his time here would have looked like, it would have exceeded it.  

 

He took a seat and waited for Wyatt to join him, both men choosing to stay silent for a while as they took in the scenery around them.  

 

In the end it was Wyatt that spoke first.

 

“You didn’t delete my number from your phone did you?”

 

Isak laughed, a little too loudly from nerves.  “What? Why would I have deleted your number?”

 

“I don’t know.”  He didn’t look at Isak.  “Just checking I guess.”

 

He sat up a little straighter, elbowing Wyatt lightly to get his full attention.  “You wanna make this short?”

 

His friend looked at him with wide thankful eyes.  “Yeah.” he breathed out.

 

They both stood up, hearing the vehicle over the gravel in the distance before they saw it.

 

Isak reached over and brought his friend into a tight embrace.  Both of them burying their faces into the others necks. He kept his arms tight around Wyatt’s shoulders, giving one last squeeze before he released him.

 

“You promised you would come visit in December.”

 

Wyatt stepped back, looking away for a moment and quickly wiping at his cheeks.  

 

“Yeah I will.  You’re gonna love it their in December too.”

 

“Yes, so you keep telling me.  It’s going to be really awkward if I end up hating it.”

 

“I think you’ll manage.”

 

Isak heard the car pull up behind him but kept his focus on Wyatt, who had finally managed to make eye contact with him.

 

“This is goodbye?”

 

Isak shrugged as nonchalantly as  the mood would allow. “Just until Christmas.”

 

“Just until Christmas.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

> **_Then_ **
> 
>  
> 
> _His skin was sticky from the moisture caught in the air as they approached the waterfall.  He and Breanna had switched up their weekly hike and came to Jenny Lake to hike Inspiration Point.  The trail itself was a fairly easy one, just littered with more switchbacks than he had been expecting, and he winced at the realization he would be waking up with sore joints tomorrow._
> 
>  
> 
> _When they finally reached the crest of the waterfall, Breanna found a cluster of several boulders with flat enough surfaces to sit on.  He sat down as she unloaded the lunch she had packed for the two them._
> 
>  
> 
> _He rested back oh his palms taking in the entire view and letting everything fill his senses.  The smell of the wet air mixed with the soft scent of the greenery and sharpness of pine. The rushing sound of the water as it fell and poured over the mountains edge endlessly - loud and roaring in the most soothing of ways._
> 
>  
> 
> _It was magnificent and grand, and in little more than a week he would be leaving it all behind to wander the North West until it was time to make his way to his new home in Colorado._
> 
>  
> 
> _He came out of his thoughts as Breanna pushed a container of potato salad into his hand, settling down across from him, and digging into her own meal._
> 
>  
> 
> _“How’s the packing coming along?  You leave in a week right?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Six days, yeah.  It’s pretty much done.  I ended up with more stuff than I came with though so I had to buy another suitcase to accommodate it all.”  He grabbed his canteen and swallowed several huge gulps before reaching over for the cranberry rolls she had brought with her.  She had made these for him a few weeks before and he had insisted he needed them on their final hike together. And Breanna being who she was, brought two containers worth._
> 
>  
> 
> _She smiled fondly at him as he ripped apart his second roll and began inhaling the sweet bread._
> 
>  
> 
> _“And what about Even? He leaves before you doesn’t he?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He tore a piece off of the roll and let it fall on the napkin in front of him, appetite leaving at the mention of Even’s departure._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Yep.”  He didn’t look up at her as he continued to pull apart piece after piece.  “He leaves the day after tomorrow actually.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _She hummed, and he tossed what was left of the pastry on to the napkin and met her gaze.  She reached around her, rummaging through her hiking pack. “I have something for you.” When she turned around she had a box wrapped in a thick green fabric with thin swirls of white and blue marbled through it.  It was a subtle pattern, but intricate._
> 
>  
> 
> _“The wrapping is part of the gift.” she said as he unraveled what ended up being a soft and plush knit scarf with a thick braided cable that wound through it in a curve from one end to the other.  Long and wide and with knotted tassels finishing off each side. “I started making that the first day I met you. I had gone shopping later that day for yarn and saw this color with the white and blue and immediately thought of you.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak brushed his hands over the fabric as he listened._
> 
>  
> 
> _“At first I thought of your eyes - they are the most striking green.  Did you know that? Not even very hazel, but more mossy. Anyway, the blue and white through it was just an added bonus, but it was really the green that drew me to it.  I hadn’t knit anything in a few years and was intending to make a few scarves in order to get my bearings about me. Only the yarn ended up in my basket forgotten about completely until the afternoon after our first hike together.  I picked it up again and was able to finish it a couple weeks ago. It wasn’t until you told me you were going to Colorado for the winter season that I knew I wanted you to have it.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He looked and felt at the article in his hands.  The detail and intricacies of it were incredible.  So much so, the thought of wearing it for any reason seemed out of the question.  It was almost too beautiful to be worn._
> 
>  
> 
> _He carefully folded the scarf up and set it on his lap, picking up the square object it had been wrapped around.  He tore at the thin tissue paper around it and revealed a thick picture frame made of heavy wood, sanded and smoothed down.  On the bottom, in cursive lettering the words “And he laughed” were burned in._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Did you know that that is the meaning of your name?”  He shook his head, lifting his eyes to give her his attention._
> 
>  
> 
> _“In the Bible, God had promised Abraham and Sarah a son.  He told Abraham that he would be the father of many nations, and from him he would have many descendants.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak relaxed, listening to the story he’d heard and had taught many times._
> 
>  
> 
> _“The problem was that both Abraham and Sarah were in their nineties, and the idea of either of them bearing children was a little outrageous.  So, Abraham laughed.  He literally laughed in the face of God.  Joke was on him though, because along came Isaac, born to Sarah long past her child bearing years.  And When he was born, Abraham was so filled with joy and relief, that, again, he laughed.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak felt his throat tighten as his body began to flood with a million emotions.  He blinked rapidly just in case his body felt like betraying him with any tears._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Isak, I believe that names aren’t a coincidence - even if the name giver has no real intent behind them.  I just don’t think the universe works that way. And who knows, we may die tomorrow and learn there is no such thing as God anyway - but names come from somewhere regardless.”  She reached over to him, tugging at his arm until he was sitting next to her, hand in hers while she looked at him, her own eyes sparkling and swimming with tears yet to fall._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Isak, you have brought me so much joy.   I know that sometimes you look in the mirror and you see someone who isn’t worthy of much.  You see someone with too many scars and no room left for healing. You see years of hurt and lies and abuse that have buried a vibrant young boy that was once filled with so much life and promise, but too weak to make his way back through the weight that has been piled on him.  But do you know what I see Isak?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _The tears in her eyes began to make their escape as they trailed silently down her face, staining wet trails in their wake and highlighting every line and wrinkle.  His own eyes stung, and he was afraid to move and set his own tears free._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Isak, I see a young man with more strength than he knows what to do with.  I see someone who loves deeply no matter how much pain it could bring him because it would hurt more not to.  I see a man who draws people in and together through his magnetism and charm.  A man who brings comfort and joy to so many.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _She let go of his hand and reached up to cup his face in her own hands.  His chin trembled from the soft cries escaping him in the form of small breathy and shaky gasps._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Isak, if you forget everything I’ve ever said, I want you to remember that you are a gift.  You are a gift, Isak. Everywhere you go, souls are laughing with sheer joy because of you and who you are.  And that part of you, that deep desire and craving in your heart, that need that seems unquenchable, the one that just wants to be loved.  The one that is begging for someone to love you as deeply as you love others - let it know that it can retire it’s constant call, because you are so loved my boy.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak shut his eyes tight, too overwhelmed to be able to take in the visual stimulations around him.  He cried as she continued to speak, his tears falling into her palms and over her fingers._
> 
>  
> 
> _“There isn’t any person you’ve breathed life into that doesn’t love you Isak.  Not your sisters, or your mother. Not your friends at home or here. Not an old pastors wife living in the mountains.  And not even Even.” She stopped for a moment, cries having ceased but voice still clouded with the sound.  He opened his eyes, and she wiped the remaining tears from his face.  “Everyone Isak. All of us are laughing with joy.  We laughed.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _-_
> 
>  
> 
> _They had cleaned up their lunch mess and were making their way back up to the trailhead in thoughtful quiet._
> 
>  
> 
> _“I don’t know if I still believe in God.”  They were walking side by side, Breanna with her walking stick and Isak with his hands gripping the straps of his backpack._
> 
>  
> 
> _“You know what I hate about the church?”  He didn’t answer her, knowing she’d continue._
> 
>  
> 
> _“There is always this emphasis on hearing from the Lord before making any decisions. I see it a lot in teenagers when they are graduating high school and trying to decide what college to go to.  They stress themselves out because they haven’t heard an answer from God on which school to attend. It’s silly really. Because, does God care that much about a school choice? Maybe. Or I don’t know, maybe he’s sitting up in Heaven rolling his eyes at us and shouting ‘Make a choice already! I’ll be there either way.’”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak pulled the straps tighter, letting the pack climb higher on his back._
> 
>  
> 
> _“I believe that there is something bigger than us out there, and if calling it God is helpful, than that’s what i’ll do.  And I believe that we have been conditioned within the church to be scared to question its existence, which is why so many people spend so much time consulting a higher being for every small choice in their life, and in turn they forget to live.  Safe is fine sometimes. It’s comfortable and predictable, and if things go wrong within Safe it’s easy to know how to fix it and make it comfortable again. I get it. I get why people choose Safe. But, Scary and Unknown are good too. They’re Safe’s misunderstood cousins.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak snorted shamelessly at her illustration, but she didn’t stop._
> 
>  
> 
> _“The rhetoric of having to believe in something we have never seen with blind trust and then consult it for everything - that itself breeds fear.  It paralyzes us from trying new things. So we choose the safe college, or the safe job. Or sometimes we don’t choose at all. We stay still and don’t move, too afraid of deciding incorrectly and upsetting a higher power we aren’t allowed to question.  So what if you aren’t sure you believe in God Isak. I think that’s wonderful. Question everything. Find what is true for you. Choose Scary and Unknown and see where it takes you.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _-_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak was ascending the stairs to his building when his phone buzzed with a message.  He stopped in front of his door when he saw that is was from Breanna - whom he had just said his farewells to._
> 
>  
> 
> _He took a quick moment to open the message up before entering his room._
> 
>  
> 
> _She had text him three words._
> 
>  
> 
> **______________________ **
> 
> **_Breanna_ **
> 
>  
> 
> _Green symbolizes rebirth._
> 
>  
> 
> **______________________ **
> 
>  
> 
> _He pocketed his phone and walked into his room, knowing today was the day he started to live._

 

**_Now_ **

 

He heard the slam of the car door and feet hitting pavement behind him and turned around with Wyatt when the voice it belonged to spoke.

 

“You ready?”  

 

Isak grabbed his duffel bag and made his way to the car, shoving it on the floor of the backseat.  Even was lifting two of his suitcases and adjusting them to fit in the already crowded trunk of his car.  

 

“What took so long?”  He went back to the bench where he had a bag filled with snacks for their road trip and placed that in the front seat.

 

“Well,” Even began, still fighting with the luggage tetris game in the back of his car, only now Wyatt had joined him in the puzzle.  “As it turns out, you need to make an appointment for an oil change in this town if you want to be seen in a timely manner.”

 

They both made a triumphant noise when they accomplished their task, and Even shut the trunk with a loud slam before looking at him over the roof of his car.  “It was fine though. The lady at the front desk fed me 3 cups of coffee while I waited, so I should be able to shoulder a good portion of the first part of our drive.”  He winked as he said it, like it was the most amusing thing he could have said.

 

Even got into the front seat and started the car.  Isak turned back to Wyatt.

 

“Don’t forget - you promised to visit in December.”

 

“Isak, trust me, I am not passing up the opportunity to hold your hand while ice skating at Rockefeller Center.”

 

A loud beep from the car horn pierced the air around them, causing Isak to jump and Wyatt to burst out in laughter.  With one last hug, both friends went their separate ways.

 

Isak settled into the car, placing his seatbelt on as Even began the drive out of Employee Village.

 

“Ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think??
> 
> No seriously, I really want to hear from you guys! It'd mean so much to me.
> 
> **Tumblr:**   
>  [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> P.s. It's 2:19 am here. I promise to do a final grammar check when I wake up)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did you already give my room away?”
> 
> “What? No. I wasn’t looking for a roommate. I just-” He took in a breath and Isak saw the tension melt from him. “Like I told you before - I don’t want to leave you yet.” 
> 
> He watched Isak and shrugged his shoulders, like those words being spoken a second time felt any lighter. As if they didn’t stir things within Isak when he spoke them. As if Isak wasn’t left desperate to ask him if that meant more than what it appeared - knowing he wouldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some sexual tension.
> 
> As always, I owe the production of this chapter to [Skamsnake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skamsnake/pseuds/skamsnake) who sat through all of this sexual and emotional tension and still hasn't left me.
> 
>  
> 
> **Trigger Warnings For This Chapter: Mentions of OC's past abuse/suicide attempts.**  
>  Very brief.

CHAPTER NINE

 

Isak was exhausted. Every joint, muscle, and bone in his body ached and screamed at him to be stretched and moved. And he was certain that when he eventually did get out of this car, there would be an imprint of his butt permanently etched into the front seat.

 

It had been four days since they had left Wyoming. Four days of being stuck in an over packed car that was now full of crumbs from whatever snacks and fast food they could get their hands on. Four days of questionable hotel rooms and sharing beds much too small to accommodate two tall guys in their 20’s. Four days of Even taking all of the blankets in said hotel rooms because he was always cold and couldn’t keep still in his sleep.

 

Four days of cornfields upon cornfields and making extra unplanned stops because Krista and Nicole demanded souvenirs and kept making sure Isak didn’t _cheap out_ on his purchases.

 

It was four days of _‘Jesus Christ Even, slow down! You’re gonna get us killed!’_ and _‘Isak are you trying to give me hypothermia? Raise the air and maybe take off your hoodie if you’re so damn hot.’_

 

Four days of sitting in rush hour traffic in unfamiliar cities and ordering breakfast at hole-in-the-wall diners and hoping for the best. Four days of trusting the GPS to get them where they needed to be, only to get off course three times.

 

Four days of a road trip Isak was eager to never repeat. But now, as Even pulled off of the interstate and slowed the car down on a quiet rural street, Isak could see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

 

They had finally made it to Albany, NY - Even’s hometown and where his parents still resided. They planned to be here for the evening, enjoying some more comfortable accommodations and a home cooked meal before heading into the city tomorrow, where Isak’s new life was waiting for him.

 

Even also needed to go over some paperwork with his father and obtain the keys to their new place as well. Whatever. Isak was just anxious to get out of this car and take a shower that had actual water pressure.

 

As they continued their journey into the neighborhood the spaces between the houses got larger - as did the homes themselves. They turned into a tree lined road, branches hanging over like a protective awning, and pristine lawns passed by as they drove further until they slowed down and pulled into curved stone driveway at the end of a cul-de-sac street.

 

“We’re here.”

 

Isak looked up as Even announced their arrival.

 

In front of him stood an enormous brick home with two white columns framing a wide ornate doorway. Several chimneys poked out of the top of the home, separated by three dormer windows on the third story.

 

The front of the house had a stone path surrounded by manicured hedges and vibrant flower bushes, and set just behind the home to the side was a three car garage that looked bigger than Isaks apartment in Florida.

 

Honestly, it looked like the home from the film ‘Home Alone’.

 

It was beautiful.

 

He elt the slight stutter of the car being put into park and then the quiet of the engine rattle shutting down as Even removed the keys from the ignition.

 

Stepping out, they both immediately reached their arms to the sky in exaggerated stretches, low groans being released as tension seeped out of their bones and muscles.

 

Even opened the door to the backseat and reached in to grab Isaks duffle, tossing it to him over the car and then diving back in to grab his own backpack.

 

“Come on. I can come back later and get anything we forgot. I’m just anxious to get inside.”

 

Isak shouldered his bag, letting Even lead the way as he followed him to a doorway on the side of the house. They stepped into a large mud room where they paused to take their shoes off, and Isak took a moment to take in his surroundings.

 

He noticed a pair of children’s sneakers next to where he placed his. Small and blue with neon yellow laces. Looking around a little further, he saw signs of the younger inhabitants of the house. A school backpack with permanent marker doodles all over it. Dirty baseball caps hanging on the hooks next to the doorway, and a basket of clean laundry in front of the dryer with tiny socks - presumably belonging to the tiny blue sneakers.

 

Isak knew that Lilly and Alex were foster parents, and he also knew it’d been a year in a half since Even had been home. Meaning he only knew the current kids that were here through the FaceTime chats he made with his mom every so often and frequent phone calls. Isak himself didn’t know any of them, having only seen his mom a few times through video chats and his father even less.

 

He was startled out of his thoughts when he heard a commotion from another room, making him aware that he was now alone.

 

Staring at children’s socks.

 

Alone. Like an idiot.

 

He headed out of the mud room and found himself immediately walking into the kitchen where the sweetest of scenes waited for him.

 

Even was hugging a woman, Isak could only assume was his mother, both of them smiling through tears and having a hard time letting go.

 

Behind them, sitting on a stool at the long kitchen island was a young boy, 15 maybe, looking up from his laptop at Even.  Expression alert and shy.

 

Just off to the side on the carpet between the kitchen and a large living space sat a baby bouncer with smiling bundle of brown curly hair, shaking a small stuffed toy - every so often bringing it to his mouth to chew on - completely oblivious to everything else going on around him.

 

As was typical whenever Isak came into close proximity of children, he had the sudden urge to walk up and pick up the baby, but was thwarted quickly when he was turned around by his shoulder and pulled into an embrace so tight he struggled for breath for a moment.

 

“Isak! It is so good to finally meet you in person!”

 

Regaining his airflow, he quickly wrapped his own arms around her waist and reciprocated the warm hug. “It’s good to finally meet you too Lilly.” He was smiling and he meant it.

 

She released his neck, bringing her hands to his shoulders to get a good look at him. “You’re so much taller than I imagined.” Squeezing his shoulders, she gave him a wink that was equally as terrible as the ones Even attempted. “But just as handsome as I remember.”

 

Releasing him and moving over to the kitchen island, she gestured to the boy sitting at the counter who was staring at Isak with a curious stare. “This is Noah.” The young boys’ lips curled up ever so slightly in greeting before returning back to his quizzical look.

 

“And this little guy is baby Leo.” Her voice went up a couple of octaves as she introduced the baby who was now in Evens’ arms being peppered with kisses all over his face.

 

Leo brought his chubby hands to Even’s cheeks, letting out gurgling laughter as Even pretended to chew on his fingers.

 

And that was a sight.

 

He slid Leo to his hip before addressing his mother.

 

“Where is dad and Roman?

 

“The two of them went to the store a little while ago. We plan on doing steaks and burgers on the grill tonight for dinner.” She looked at Noah. “Which reminds me - trash needs to go out.” Her expression went from warm and welcoming to pointed, and offering no room for argument.

 

He closed his laptop with a quiet groan. “Fine.” Slipping off his stool, before disappearing towards the staircase.

 

She called out after him. “And I mean _all_ of the trash cans Noah. Even the ones you don’t think I check.”

 

“Yes mom.” It came out slightly muffled from the distance he put between them as he made his way upstairs, but the annoyed tone of a teenage boy was clear as a bell.

 

Lilly chuckled in amusement before turning back to Even. “Give me Leo. You two look like you can use a shower and a nap.”  She reached for the baby, Even giving him a few last kisses before handing him over. “I set Isak up in the guest room by your old room. Towels are in the linen closet.”

 

He leaned in to squeeze her side. “Thanks Mom.”

 

“Good to have you home baby. And Isak -” She tilted her head affectionately at him. “Welcome home.”

 

He sent her the warmest smile he could muster and followed Even out of the kitchen before his emotions could catch up to him.

 

-

 

“Even, my room has a fireplace in it.” Isak was standing in front of the bed that would be his for evening, staring at the brick fireplace that came up to his chest in height.

 

Even had thrown himself on to the plush mattress and was surfing the tv channels as Isak gaped at the opposite wall where a mantle filled with pictures in glass frames was staring at him.

 

“Yeah, it’s an old colonial. All of the bedrooms have fireplaces actually.” He wasn’t looking at Isak, instead focusing on movie options in the tv’s menu and completely ignoring the dumbfounded look on Isak’s face.

 

Seeing no help for further explanation or discussion, Isak grabbed his bag and made his way to the en suite bathroom. A shower and nap really did sound like the most appealing of things to him at the moment.

 

-

 

The water pressure was forceful and the temperature was bordering on scalding - just the way he liked it.  After days stuck in a cramped car or in hotel rooms providing the bare minimum in amenities, he indulged himself in the various shampoos and creams in the shower. Slathering on the cucumber scented body wash and using the face scrub that sat on the built in ledge of the shower wall. He took his time scrubbing his skin with the loofah, not feeling complete until his skin was red and raw from the action.  And when he was finally done washing and rinsing everything away, he sat down on the bottom of the tub, pulling his knees up to his chest to rest his chin on, and let the steamy water pour over and around him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

> **_Then_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **______________________ **
> 
> **_Breanna_ **
> 
> _Green symbolizes rebirth_
> 
> **_______________________ **
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak looked at the text on his phone, eyes glazing over as he recalled her words just a few hours prior._
> 
>  
> 
> ‘Choose Scary and Unknown and see where it takes you.’
> 
>  
> 
> _Walking into his room, he found Even standing over his bed, folding clothing and placing them in the open suitcases spread out in front of him. He had already removed his pictures and various books from around the room.  The result - a half barren space missing all its warmest parts._
> 
> _“How was your lunch with Breanna?”  Even momentarily looked over his shoulder as he directed the question to Isak before returning to the task of packing._
> 
> _“It was great.  She’s great.” Not quite ready and uncertain of how to articulate his last few hours to his friend, Isak shuffled over to his own bed, ready to throw himself on it and not get up for the rest of the night, but was stopped short at the sight of an envelope resting on his pillow._
> 
> _Picking it up, he noticed his name written out in Even’s perfect uppercase handwriting._
> 
> _He looked across the room where Even was now facing him, a hesitant look painted on his face._
> 
> _“It’s just - I don’t know.” He was running his hand through his hair and over the back of his neck now. “I thought it was funny and nice at the time.  Now that I’m looking at you though-” he turned around and busied himself with packing again, a quiet groan escaping._
> 
> _Isak sank onto his mattress as he tore at the envelope and pulled out a folded piece of cardstock and a torn out piece of paper with a note scrawled on it.._
> 
> _“Even, why are you-”  The rest of the words died on his tongue as he took in what he was looking at._
> 
> _Iss,_
> 
> _I’m sorry I put you on the spot when I asked you to_  
>  _move to NY with me. I wasn’t even thinking about_  
>  how that would affect you or make you feel. I know  
>  you have a life outside of me and this summer.
> 
> _Don’t freak out, but I got you a ticket to come visit  
>  me in the city whenever you get a chance.  
>  (it cost me nothing, I used my airline miles.) _
> 
> _Anyways, I made you this for when you come to visit._
> 
> **_IF_ ** _you come to visit.  You don’t have to._
> 
>  
> 
> _\- Even_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak looked at the other paper in his hand.  On it was an intricately doodled map of New York city.  On the top it said:_
> 
> **A Guide to NYC For Isak** . 
> 
>  
> 
> _He looked at the page where Central Park was staring at him from the center of the paper - shaded in green and labeled in black cartoon lettering.  Around the rest of the map were landmarks that were exaggeratedly and colorfully represented and had notes next to each one._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>   * _**_Times Square:_** _Avoid at all costs__
> 

>   * **_Highline:_** _A little hipster-y, but nice lunch spot._
> 

>   * **_Brooklyn Bridge:_** _Believe the hype_
> 

>   * **_Empire State Building:_** _Do it once just to say you did._
> 

>   * **_Broadway:_** _I’ve heard there is good theater here? Hamilton something or other?_
> 

>   * **_Trump Tower:_** _BOO!!!!_
> 

>   * **_Dominos Pizza:_** _This is not NY specific, but it’s next to my old apartment and I eat there a lot._
> 

> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  _There were several other places marked.  Restaurants and museums. Ice cream parlors and candy stores. All placed with a small note.  And then, on the right side of Central park was a brown square labeled:_ **Even & Isak’s Place.**
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak looked up and Even’s back was still to him._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Even and Isak’s Place?”  He asked the question and watched as Even’s movements stiled before setting whatever was in his hands down, turning around to look at Isak and shoving his hands into his pockets._
> 
>  
> 
> _In a small moment of insecurity, Even looked down before he spoke._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Not literally.  Just, ya know, for when you come to visit.  You always have a place to crash.” He pursed his lips out in front of him and met Isak’s gaze._
> 
>  
> 
> _“You called me Iss.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Even’s forehead scrunched in confusion for a moment, before realization dawned on him, features smoothing out and a pink blush bloomed on his cheeks._
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak held up the handwritten note and repeated himself. “You called me Iss.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Even looked up at the ceiling, cringing softly. “Did I?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak nodded emphatically.  “You did. It’s right here.” He waved the paper again.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“That’s weird.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Mmhmm.  It is. Especially since one of my first memories here is of you and Matty-”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Matthew.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Matty.  You and Matty arguing over the merits of using nicknames,  And you voted strongly against it.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Even winced further, dropping his head back down, and letting a sheepish grin take over._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Yeah, that does sound like me.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Yeah.  It does.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _They both remained where they were, opposite sides of the room, eyes unwavering and clashing with each other.  Isak’s eyes narrowed in thought, searching. Even’s gaze steady and open._
> 
>  
> 
> _And if that wasn’t the perfect representation of the presence Even was in Isak’s life - steady and open._
> 
>  
> 
> Choose Scary and Unknown.
> 
>  
> 
> _Even blinked and pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth, chewing softly and never taking his eyes away from isak._
> 
>  
> 
> Choose Scary and Unknown.
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak followed the movement, Even’s lip turning white where his teeth pressed down, and then pink again as the blood rushed back in when he released them from the pressure of his mouth._
> 
>  
> 
> Choose Scary and Unknown.
> 
>  
> 
> _He let his eyes travel up again, steel blue eyes earnest and full of hope and unanswered questions.  Of anticipation and resignation. Of promise and uncertainty. Of admiration and longing. Full of fear but not of worry.  Even was an open book, always letting you in to see and experience his emotions and thoughts._
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak looked back down at the drawing._
> 
>  
> 
> **Even & Isak’s Place**
> 
>  
> 
> _He folded up the map, placing it back in the envelope and setting that on his nightstand._
> 
>  
> 
> _“You know, living across the country is going to make shared custody of my hoodie pretty difficult.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“My hoodie…?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Should we change the arrangements around a little?  Maybe I get it for one month and then send it to you for a few weeks, etc.  Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants style.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Even threw his head to the side in obvious exasperation._
> 
>  
> 
> _“How is this an actual conversation I’m having?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak ignored him.  “How much do you think postage would be on that?  It’s not particularly heavy, could probably save some money using recycled packaging.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Even sat down on the edge of his bed, facial expression unamused as Isak continued._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Actually, I can’t be bothered to do that.  It would just be easier if you just gave in.  I’m taking it no matter what.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _And to prove his point, he reached under his pillow and pulled out the hoodie in question, quickly taking off his t-shirt and replacing it with the soft downy sweater.  Satisfied grin on his face when he saw Even’s attempt at suppressing a laugh._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Keep the damn sweater Isak. You are exhausting and ridiculous.”  Even’s tone suggested an edge to it, but the soft and fond look he was directing at Isak said differently._
> 
>  
> 
> _He returned the look - it was contagious._
> 
>  
> 
> _“That’s a wise decision Even.  You won’t regret it.” Even just quirked an eyebrow at him in silent response._
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak looked away nervously for a moment.  “Plus, if you really need it - you can always come to my closet and grab it.”  He started tapping his heel into the ground, knee bouncing with his nerves as he waited for Even to catch on._
> 
>  
> 
> _Rolling his eyes, Even spoke up.  “Iss, i’m not making special travel arrangements to come and borrow a sweater that is rightfully mine to begin with.  I’m extra, but not that-” He stopped suddenly, forehead wrinkled. “Wait, what?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak shrugged, feigning a nonchalant attitude that he did not have. He let out a small breath, keeping it as steady as possible; not trying to give away the nervousness he felt._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Can it be Even & Isak’s Place, only I don’t visit from time to time, but instead I just live there?” _
> 
>  
> 
> _He dared a glance at his friend - best friend - who was looking at him like he just gave him a gift.  Like he just handed him the keys to the city. Like he held the cure to fatal illnesses. Mouth and eyes open, lips twitching like he was trying to hold back the smile attempting to crack its way through._
> 
>  
> 
> _“You wanna move to New York with me?”  It was little more than a whisper. A question filled with awe and caution._
> 
>  
> 
> _Isak put his hands on his legs, hoping that the added weight would calm his restlessness._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Did you already give my room away?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“What? No. I wasn’t looking for a roommate.  I just-” He took in a breath and Isak saw the tension melt from him.  “Like I told you before - I don’t want to leave you yet.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He watched Isak and shrugged his shoulders, like those words being spoken a second time felt any lighter.  As if they didn’t stir things within Isak when he spoke them. As if Isak wasn’t left desperate to ask him if that meant  more than what it appeared - knowing he wouldn’t._
> 
>  
> 
> _Even was still watching him, but this time he had that expression that he seemed to carry more and more frequently.  The one that said he could read you. See you. The one that said he understood what you weren’t speaking. That he was patient and could wait._
> 
>  
> 
> _That he would wait._
> 
>  
> 
> _“I’m leaving tomorrow.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“We’re leaving tomorrow.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _And Even finally let the smile break the surface and make its way through. Starting at his mouth, making its way to his eyes and settling there in the crinkles and lines around them, eventually filling up his body slowly._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Right.  We’re moving tomorrow.”_

 

**_Now_ **

 

Isak threw on a pair of briefs and rubbed the towel over his hair as he made his way back into the bedroom, more than ready to dive under the covers and nap until dinner.

 

He turned the corner, hearing the low hum from the television that had been left on, gaze landing to the Even shaped lump on his bed. Passed out, signature pose with his arm thrown out to his side and mouth hanging open ever so - forming a pout that shouldn’t have been attractive but was.

 

It really was.

 

Ignoring the sudden pick-up of speed in his chest and the foreign need to cover up and put more clothes on, he hung his towel over the back of an armchair and made his way to the bed, tucking himself under the soft down comforter.

 

Turning on his side he looked at his friend, and acknowledged at least one emotion that was coursing through him.

 

Happiness.

 

Isak was happy.

 

_-_

 

Eyes still closed from the heaviness of sleep, Isak started stirring awake slowly when his brain registered one thing.

 

Cold.

 

Isak was cold.

 

Forcing his eyes open, he was met with a face full of Even’s head - and only Even’s head.  Because, as a short cursory glance showed, the man next to him had yet again taken all of the covers and was wrapped up in them like a human burrito.

 

He reached out and grabbed a small fistful of the fabric and gave it a gentle tug, hoping to dislodge enough from Even’s grip and cover himself once again.  Instead, Even repositioned himself in a way that only brought more of the blanket under his body.

 

_Are you kidding me?!_

 

Isak hated waking up. If he could sleep forever but still somehow manage to live a fulfilling life, he would do it in a heartbeat.  He loved sleep. Favorite activity of all time. 10/10 would recommend to anyone. And there was nothing worse than being disrupted from one’s favorite pastime, which is why he hated waking up as intensely as he did.  

 

And comfort, that was another thing Isak enjoyed.  Being comfortable was right up there with sleep. So when you combined the two - it was the holy grail of desire in Isak’s life, and there were few things that disrupted a comfortable sleep more than unregulated body temperature.  

 

Yet right now that is exactly what he was experiencing.  Isak was cold, and awake, and annoyed as hell, as the cause of all of his irritation and discomfort laid inches away - enjoying a cozy slumber.

 

He couldn’t see outside of Even’s face, but by the shape of the blanket and position on his side, Isak could tell that his knees were slightly drawn in towards his body, and arms and hands tucked into his chest.  His hair was a mess but, as it always tended to do, made the rest of him seem serene and approachable. The creases in his forehead were gone and the skin there was smooth, due, no doubt, to being rested and not having anything to worry about as he slept.  His lips were dry and chapped but formed an endearing pout that painted him in so much youth. He looked so sweet this way.

 

Isak wasn’t buying it.

 

In a swift movement, Isak shoved his leg forward and kicked at whatever part of Even’s leg his foot could reach.  It wasn’t hard enough to hurt, but definitely forceful enough to wake him up abruptly.

 

Which, to Isak’s satisfaction, it did.

 

“What the fuck Isak?” It was more of a groan than actual decipherable words, and Isak made sure to put his softest and most unaware expression on as soon as Even opened his eyes.

 

And they were wide and confused.

 

_Too bad Bech Næsheim._

 

“Oh, I’m sorry.  Are you uncomfortable?  Were you enjoying your nap only to be woken up by something unpleasant?”  And well, soft and unaware were quickly replaced with passive and aggressive.  

 

How this guy managed to _always_ steal the blankets away while in a deep unconscious state would continue to baffle Isak to his grave.

 

“Look at me Even!  Does this situation look fine to you?”  

 

Even looked down, taking in the scene that was Isak’s uncovered body, making Isak acutely aware that he was in nothing but the briefs he put on after his shower.

 

A flicker of remorse passed through Even’s face before immediately being replaced with mirth. Licking his lips and leaning his face minutely closer, he met Isaks gaze.  And with sleep still lacing his voice, this time sounding more like a growl than a groan, he said, “You look good to me.”

 

And the goosebumps prickling over his arms and torso weren’t because he was cold anymore.  Truthfully he was warming up now. Quite rapidly, even.

 

Blue eyes remained steady on him, one brow cocked up in interest and tease and pursuit.

 

“That’s not what I meant.”  He made sure not to whisper those words. Spoke them with the most even tone he could deliver. Didn’t want to seem like he was losing control (he was) or like he was allowing Even’s obvious double entendre get to him (it was).

 

The left corner of Even’s mouth lifted as he smiled crookedly.  “Well, it’s what I meant.”

 

The atmosphere was too intense, too saturated with unspoken emotions.  

 

“Your breath smells.  And I mean that.” Isak got up then, leaving an amused Even to wait out his sudden fit of laughter at Isak’s, admittedly, childish insult.

 

-

 

Dinner was incredible and familial and made Isak miss home.  Made Isak question what that word even meant anymore. Was it a place? Was it people? Was is it experiences or all of the above? Right now it was a dull ache that never left.  Isak was just learning to ignore it and let the white noise of _now_ drown it out from time to time.

 

Even’s father, Alex, was a tall man with a slightly obtrusive nature, but it was smoothed down by a warm disposition and genuine interest in people.  He was the living stereotype of a dad with _dad jokes_ and there didn’t seem to be a definitive number of eye rolls delivered his way that would make him care or stop.  

 

He questioned Isak about Florida heavily, seemingly in awe of the fact that Isak never had a Christmas with a snow covered yard and even more amused when Isak showed him pictures from two years ago where his family spent the holiday at the beach having a cookout and made a ‘snowman’ from sand.

 

Then there was Roman. A quiet 4 year old satisfied with sitting and observing and inputting words only when necessary.  Noah seemed to be able to easily charm him, making jokes and playful attempts to engage the young boy - resulting in those exaggerated pursed lips that kids often make when they are attempting to keep from smiling but can’t seem to accomplish it.  And for a child whose face was usually at rest but not quite serene, his smile was contagious and oddly restorative.

 

He was comfortable in his shyness, and when he had the opportunity, stuck himself to Alex in anyway he could.  Constantly on the mans lap or standing next to him. Holding his hand or staring at him from across the room when he wasn’t accessible anymore.

 

All in all this family was as eclectic as they come, but it worked.  

 

-

 

That evening Isak found himself in the large living room off of the kitchen playing a card game with Noah while Even and his dad disappeared into his office to go over some things.  Lilly had just taken baby Leo, (no one actually called him just Leo. It was always _baby_ Leo), upstairs for bed and Roman was in the corner beside the loveseat playing with the mess of toys in front of him.

 

“Are you Even’s boyfriend yet?”

 

Isak looked up from the cards in his hand at Noah who was focused on his next move and not even looking at Isak.  Not bothered by the forward and somewhat intrusive nature of his question. He laid a card down in front of him and looked up expectantly.  Waiting for Isak to make his move, answer the question, or both.

 

When Isak didn’t say anything right away, he went on.

 

“I’m gay.”

 

Isak was used to teenagers.  Had spent the last five years of his career working with them, counseling and mentoring them.  Had spent years full of calls in the middle of the night from a 15 year old whose mother had just kicked him out because she was on a binge and didn’t recognize her own son.  Had spent an hour on the phone with a girl who held a gun to her head because she was exhausted and hopeless and couldn’t find a reason to continue. That night had been particularly taxing, as he kept her on the phone while Chris called the cops and they waited for them to arrive; waited for the situation to de-escalate and for her to get into safe custody.

 

There were the weekends where he slept all day so he could stay up all night to be available for the kids who would call him from a party, too drunk to stand up, let alone manage to get home on their own.  There were countless evenings of him showing up to football games, band concerts, debates, and award ceremonies for his students because their parents were absent and not around or simply didn’t care.

 

He had seen kids in and out of foster care, jail, and neglect.  He understood abuse and trauma and was all too familiar with its many forms.  And so he knew he was approachable, to teenagers in particular. It was a combination of a natural fun disposition and genuine concern for people, coupled with skills learned from youth counseling courses and real life experiences.

 

It was a job he missed and hated. The idea was full of competing emotions.  He loved working with teenagers, loved feeling like what he did had a purpose, loved being a safe haven.  But he hated the place that employed him in that position to begin with. Hated what they stood for and the pain they caused him and countless other nameless people. And he was still struggling with how to compartmentalize all of that. How to separate the bad from the good and keep one from tainting the other.

 

So yes, he missed it. And he was good at it, and while Noah’s question and follow-up statement weren’t _shocking_ , they did give to some sudden intrigue.

 

He played his hand and gestured to Noah when it was his turn.

 

“Not boyfriend. Just friends.”  He looked over at the young boy, eyes searching his cards for his next move before adding.  “I’m gay too.”

 

“Yeah, I figured.”  He looked up then. “Sometimes I think everyone is a little gay.”

 

Isak snorted a little. It was like Ollie’s spirit followed him to New York.

 

Noah smiled at Isak’s outburst, but it looked insecure and unsure.  Isak rushed to reassure him.

 

“I’m not laughing at you Noah.  You just sound like one of my best friends.  She would agree with you wholeheartedly.”

 

That seemed to ease him enough and he went back to playing.

 

“I tell everyone I’m gay - even if I don’t know them.  My therapist says it’s because i’ve spent the majority of my life with strangers and I’ve lost my filter and a healthy amount of fear.”  He tossed a few cards to the side and replaced them with three new ones. “But I think it’s because admitting that out loud was one of scariest things I’ve ever done and i’m afraid of being scared again. So I just let people know immediately. Like i’m conditioning myself or something.”

 

_Well._

 

People tend to be annoyed with people like Noah.  Someone who is honest and candid and sometimes shares truths that make you uncomfortable because you’re not sure how to respond.  People tend to want to shut them down or condescendingly respond; tell them what they should and shouldn’t say or do in social situations.  They tend to forget about the human experience and how it causes everyone to develop differently, not realizing that most of the time it’s the person they think is inappropriate that is actually more evolved.

 

But for isak, there were few things about a person that he loved more than someone who was self aware.  Especially when they were willing to question and actively learn the things they didn’t know. It was even more satisfying when it came from someone as young as Noah.

 

“Well I think your therapist is probably right.”  He set his last card down, winning the game. “But you’re onto something too.

 

Noah set his cards on the table and dropped his chin onto his hand as he propped his elbow up, watching Isak shuffle the deck.

 

“Even told me a lot about you.”  He wasn’t meeting his eyes yet - still focused on the deck.  “He texts me every night. Sometimes I thought it was weird that I missed someone who I had never met in person - but I missed Even all the time.  He was the first person I told when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay.” A breathy laugh escaped as he seemed to recall the memory.

 

“I had text him actually.  I knew he was at work, and I think that’s why I did it. I think I knew I would want to run after sending that message.  But instead he called me. He took a break from his shift and called me. He made up some lame story about how some of the words from my text weren’t showing up and he didn’t know what I had said.  And I knew he was just trying to get me to say the words out loud. He knew that I _needed_ to say them out loud.”  He scratched at an invisible mark on the table.

 

“I had an older brother once.  We were separated into different homes when I was 11.  Last I heard, he had aged out of the system and was in and out of jail. So Even - he’s the best big brother i’ve ever had. And it was the weirdest and best thing when I got to hug him today.” He finally looked up at Isak, who had long ago abandoned the deck of cards and was already looking back at the boy in front of him.

 

“So like I said, he told me about you.”

 

Isak began to realize that Noah was more astute then he gave him credit for.  His story wasn’t the ramblings and runaway tangent of a teenage boy. He knew what he was saying and every word and phrase had a purpose.

 

“And he said you were his family.” He shrugged his shoulders but never looked away. “So you’re my family too.”

 

“Noah!”

 

Lilly’s voice sounded from upstairs, interrupting their conversation.

 

Noah made an exaggerated cringe before getting off of his chair. “Crap! I didn’t take the trash out in my bathroom!”  He rushed out of the room, heading towards the stairs. “She knows everything!”

 

Isak let himself laugh loudly at Noah’s retreating form, gathering up the last of the game and putting it away.

 

This kid. This family. They were special.  Isak could deduce that confidently with only the few hours he had spent with them.  And they would have to be, someone like Even could not have been produced from anything less spectacular than this family.

 

_‘He said you were his family.’_

 

Stranger. Roommate. Bestfriend. Family.

 

Isak was still figuring out what home was, but family - that was something he understood.  

 

Family was the fierce protectiveness he felt over his sisters. The desire to make himself available to them in every way and the deep regret and sorrow that came when he couldn’t.  It was over nights with Ollie and Jonas, eating mostly intolerable healthy snacks while Ollie cried over something a coworker had said - because she never let anyone else see her cry.  It was Jonas teaching Krista to drive, not because he felt obligated, but because it was the natural progression for them.

 

Family was Even threatening to physically harm someone who hurt Isak, only to take it back and apologize because _I’m_ _not a fighter, but I promise to verbally assault them._ It’s his mother going to the school to lie about all of his absences senior year because _You graduated Magna Cum Laude Isak. It’s not your fault you’re smart enough to skip school and still maintain an almost perfect GPA._  

 

Family was not speaking to your mother for months, feeling like she hates who you’ve become but knowing somewhere too deep to dredge up, that it isn't true. It’s wanting to call her desperately - missing everything about her even though you fear her reaction to the parts of you that you’ve decided to love. It’s loving her and learning that she is a product of her environment, just like you were.

 

Understanding family was easy.  But home - that was still something to be figured out. And while Isak was more than mildly aware that the two didn’t have to be mutually exclusive, like many other situations taking place in his life lately, he wasn’t ready to tackle that just yet.

 

A gentle high pitched tone made its way to his ears, something soft and recognizable.  He turned halfway in his chair to see Roman still sitting on the floor surrounded by the same mess of toys.  

 

He momentarily worried about how he had ignored the little boys presence for the last 20 minutes or so, but after seeing a shadow pass from the den next to them and hearing Lilly’s muted voice on the phone, he felt reassured that there had been some more supervision.

 

He tuned back into Roman, who had a baby doll sitting on his lap, legs outstretched in front of him, while he sang a lullaby.  When he lifted his small hand above the baby, rocking it from side to side, Isak realized why the melody sounded so familiar. He listened intently as the little boy sang.

 

_Que linda manita_

_Que tiene el bebé_

_Que linda, que bella_

_Que bonita es_

 

Isak whispered the last line of the song out of habit.  It was a song his mother had sung to him and to each of his sisters.  His mother, who had the clearest and sweetest voice he’d ever heard, who was always singing to them growing up - sometimes even making up her own songs about a moose and a giraffe riding a train together.  They were never short on a song for any occasion, and he could recall many that brought him joy at the memories they were attached to.

 

But this song was different.

 

Isak grew up experiencing nightmares throughout his childhood. He’d wake up screaming and in a panic, sweat dripping down his body and through his clothes. His mom would always come rushing in, lying down next to him and hugging him into her chest.  She would always ask him what he had dreamt about and he was always too scared to repeat it.

 

And then she would sing this song.

 

The song itself was silly, talking about the hand of a baby and how cute it is; meant to really teach children then to soothe. But that’s what it did for a young Isak. His mother would sing, slowing it down and smoothing out the melody, rocking him back and forth while he listened to the vibrations from her voice in her chest. She would sing and repeat the same verse - his favorite one - while his breaths evened out and the tears stopped falling.

 

She would sing and hum and rock and soothe and pour all of her warmth into him until he felt safe again.  Until he could close his eyes without immediately opening them. Until he drifted off into a dreamless sleep, heavy from the exhaustion that always came with crying.

 

His mother would sing and he would sleep.

 

The melody had stopped and Roman was looking up at him, eyes round with curiosity and surprise. It dawned on Isak that this boy must have had someone sing this to him as well.  Someone who knew to rock their hand from side to side as they recited the song. That this lullabye meant something to this child - maybe something even more - and now he was in a home away from what he had once been used to, surrounded by incredible people but probably not anyone who knew this song.  People who possibly didn’t realize the power and ties that something as simple as a lullaby in your native language could had. And Isak could hardly fault the Bech Naesheim’s. If he himself hadn’t known the song it would have been hard to decipher the words as they came out of the mouth of a soft spoken toddler who hadn’t yet mastered the art of annunciation.

 

Isak lifted his hand, mimicking the motions of a rocking boat. Roman stood up, grabbing the doll and bringing it with him to sit on the floor directly in front of Isak.  He lifted his hand and they sang together.

 

-

 

The drive into the city was just over a couple hours, not really long enough to sleep comfortably in the car, but it didn’t matter because Isak was wired high with the nerves and anticipation that had woken him up before his alarm that morning.

 

The early wake up had its benefits - Even was sleeping in his own room, therefore Isak had remained covered comfortably all night.

 

It also came with it’s irritations - Even had slept in his own room

 

It’s not Isak’s fault that he was created with the innate desire and need to be touching another warm body almost 24/7.  

 

Their goodbye’s this morning were a true family affair, with everyone crowding around them at the door doling out hugs and kisses freely.  Noah begging Even to let him come and spend a weekend with them and Lilly promising to visit once they’d settled in and help them with any of the furniture and decorations they didn’t want, already making a list of charities to donate to if they decided they needed to be free of some things.

 

Eventually they made it out the door, but not before Noah made them exchange phone numbers, and Even had smothered baby Leo in at least 78 more kisses on his face, making sure not to leave a spot unkissed.

 

He was pulled out of his Bech Naesheim filled reverie as Even lowered the music coming through the speakers.

 

“So the apartment, it’s not small.”  He spoke with the same hesitation that came whenever he had to reference his family’s status in anyway. “I’m inheriting it almost as my grandmother’s final _fuck you_ to my great grandparents. And if I wasn’t the direct recipient of that gesture, i’d probably join my parents in celebrating my grandmother’s badass behavior.  But I have done absolutely _nothing_ to earn this and I’m extremely privileged and-”

 

“Even,” he placed a hand on the back of his neck. “Relax. It’s fine. I’m under no impression that you’re just another _Chuck Bass._ ”  He watched as Even’s grip on the steering wheel loosened and the blood rushed back to his white knuckles.  Resting his head against the headrest of his seat as he started gently tugging on the longer hairs that fell on the top of Even’s neck, mimicking the motions he made when he played with Isak’s hair - tugging and curling at the ends.

 

They drove for another minute in silence before Even spoke up again, a teasing tone in his voice.

 

“Isak…?”

 

“Even, please forget it.”

 

“Did you just reference _Gossip Girl_?”

 

“I have sisters!”

 

“And you remembered the full name of one of the characters?”

 

“Also, I have an Ollie?

 

Another minute of silence.

 

“Isak, did you watch _Gossip Girl_ by yourself?”

 

“I hate you Even.”

 

-

 

Isak was standing on the stoop of a four story brownstone as Even searched for the keys to unlock the door.

 

Isak was standing on the stoop of a four story brownstone on 91st St.

 

Isak was standing on the stoop of a four story brownstone on the Upper Eastside of Manhattan.

 

And that absolutely was the last _Gossip Girl_ reference he would ever make again.

 

_Xoxo_

 

Ok, _that_ was the last _Gossip Girl_ reference he would ever make again.

 

-

 

“Isak, I think my shower bag is in one of your suitcases!”

 

He grabbed the green canvas bag that was in question and left his room to follow Even’s voice. He was still in a small state of shock as he walked down the hall of the place he would now be calling home.

 

When he stepped into the foyer of the brownstone he was met with an enormous staircase leading up to an open landing.  Hardwood floors and shiny furniture led to a living area with ceilings up to the second floor.

 

Even himself hadn’t been here since the remodel had taken place so they both wandered around in awe - Even because there were some new furnishings and hardware, and Isak because it was the largest and most extravagant place he’d ever call home.

 

They chose rooms on the second floor next to each other and with their own bathrooms.  Isak had a small terrace that sat just outside a set of white french doors and overlooked a small yard complete with lavish patio furniture and a commercial sized stainless steel grill. And a fireplace.

 

His room had a fireplace.

 

The look of the house was a mix of modern and cozy, with oversized sofas and chairs in minimalistic neutrals, bookshelves filled with novels and journals, and frames displaying generations of Even’s family.  They had three more bedrooms - that Isak couldn’t imagine they would need to use, and a basement that had been converted into a small gym and recreational area.

 

Even was standing in front of the large vanity in his bathroom, unpacking and rearranging items into drawers and cabinets, looking up in the mirror at Isak as he walked in. He tossed the bag in his direction and walked to the enormous garden jacuzzi tub to sit down on its side.

 

“Even, how am I supposed to keep this place clean? How do I manage not to get lost on my way to the kitchen? Where are the servants quarters?”

 

Even opened up a drawer started filling it with some of the numerous hair products sitting neatly categorized on the counter.

 

“Keeping the house clean shouldn’t be as big of issue as you think, especially since we are utilizing a fraction of it. I’ve already put a tracker in your arm in case I can’t find you, but if you’d like I can’ put a collar with a bell on you as well. And the servants quarters are the apartment attached to us next door.”  He was still focused on his current task of organizing and it took Isak’s growing silence for him to look over his shoulder.

 

“I’m kidding. I don’t even know our neighbors.” He stopped, looking at Isak in thought. “But the bell collar thing - that may be something we should consider.”

 

“You’re not as funny as you seem to think you are.”  Isak’s expression remained blank and unamused.

 

Even turned back around, mumbling to himself as he did. “Maybe, but I’m definitely cute.”

 

Isak leaned forward a little bit, gripping the side of the tub and looked up discreetly through his lashes at Even’s reflection in the mirror.  He had rolled up the sleeves of his too tight henley shirt, revealing the smooth skin of his forearms; watched as it grew taught over muscles as he moved his arms around.  Stared at the wide expanse of his hands as they gripped and lifted, maneuvered and pushed. Fingers wrapping around bottles, grabbing and twisting.

 

Isak tilted his head to take in Even’s shoulders, broad and strong, making their presence known through the thin fabric of his shirt.  Stared at the lines of his neck, disrupted every time he hummed to himself in thought and his Adam’s apple bobbed in response. He ran his eyes over his jaw and his lips, parted to let his thumb in, chewing down and dragging his bottom lip with it when he moved to continue his task.

 

Watched as his chin dropped down towards his chest and his arms came to rest on the counter, locking at his elbows - taking a minute for a break; closing his eyes and wiggling his shoulders loose.  Chest expanding and retracting at the obvious efforts he was making to take deep breaths and relax.

 

Isak, took a moment to try and imitate that for himself, his own breaths coming in more rapidly as he allowed himself to look at Even. Enjoy Even. Wonder about Even.

 

His eyes caught a small movement and landed on the man’s face in the mirror looking back at him. His focus tracing Isak with his own gaze, his own thoughts.

 

And this was where Isak should look away.  Clear his throat and say something mildly funny. Incorporate a distraction and break up the charged energy that was filling up around them.  But as he watched Even turn around, lean back against the counter and continue to run his stare over isak, always bringing it back up to make eye contact.  Watched the intentional movements of his shoulders as he continued to control his breathing, and the unintentional swipe of his lips with his tongue, mouth never closing completely but remaining open, shutting only to swallow thickly and drop again in that pout that Isak loved. As he took all of this in, doing nothing to control his own reaction - he found that he didn’t want to.

 

He let his eyelids fall slightly, dropping his gaze down Even’s body; face to jaw to shoulders, chest to hips, thighs to ankles and back up again.

 

“Isak?”

 

He felt Even say his name more than he heard it.  Felt the sound rush over him, around him, through him.

 

“Hmm?”  He couldn’t find the articulation to form words, throat was dry, his rapid intake of breaths not assisting in any way.

 

Even’s expression turned sad, sorrow laced with worry.  Pushing himself off the counter he finally broke his focus from Isak, face leaning back, hand running forcefully through his hair; back and forth, strands now in complete disarray.

 

“Do you ever feel like-” His eyes were still trained on the ceiling, not wavering as he let the half question hang in the air.

 

“Yes.”

 

A beat. An exhale. A resignation filled with nothing certain.

 

“Yeah. Me too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a [Link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug57EllK_IY) to the lullaby Isak and Roman sing together.
> 
> So, our boys are starting to acknowledge _some_ things. Are you guys still with me through this very literal slow burn?
> 
> Leave me your comments and thoughts loves!!!
> 
>  
> 
> **Tumblr:**   
>  [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _They touched and they drank and they smiled and they breathed each other in, somewhere crossing the line of platonic affection but too fearful to truly give it the name of romantic._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, I'm back!  
> I promise I have not abandoned this story or [Unknown To You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14586537). The summer had just caught up with me and I had also focused my energy on my Reverse Big Bang fic, [Creatures of Habit](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15469044). If you haven't read that yet, i'd love for you too. I'm particularly proud of that piece.
> 
> Anyway, this is 100% not beta'd - so please extend your forgiveness my way if the editing is truly awful - I just really wanted to get this out to you.
> 
> And of course - without Skamsnake and her HCing the hell out of this with me, you'd be reading 9k worth of shit.

CHAPTER TEN

 

The dull thud of his supervisors thick heeled boots walking away down the hall lulled Isak into a familiar working trance as he straightened the mirrored name tag on his black cashmere _Theory_ sweater and began his morning routine of organizing the sleek, yet ornate, counter that held his register.

 

Frank Sinatra’s _‘New York, New York’_ sounded over the speakers, signaling the opening of the store as he hummed along, pulling up an inventory on _Calvin Klein_ blazers he promised to check up on for a client while waiting for the quiet tranquility of the men’s department lower level to become disrupted with the deep hum and chatter of early holiday shoppers and tourists.

 

It had taken Isak exactly one interview and a few minutes to land his job at _Bloomingdales_ \- and it was far beyond anything he’d ever think he’d be doing at 23 - and that’s why he enjoyed it so much.

 

He’d arrived at the interview, having applied for a server position in the luxury department store’s French restaurant only for his interviewer to take one look at him and tell him his face was better suited for Menswear and would he be interested.

 

It was a seasonal position, with possibility for permanency after the holidays if they liked him. It didn’t matter one or the other to him - it was a job. He had more than enough in his savings to get him through the holidays and then some - especially with the added benefit of not having a rent to pay - but he wanted to work. He wanted a life outside of Even’s generosity and the enormous walls of the brownstone he now called home, so he nodded his agreement and filled out the proper paperwork to start the following week.

 

It was a learning curve to be certain - Isak knew next to nothing about high end men’s fashion going into this job, (that had since changed drastically in the last two months of his employment), but the training was adequate and he had a knack for selling.

 

Truth be told, his real skill was being able to tell if a man’s ass looked good in a pair of pants or not - but either way, everything worked out in his favor. There was also the added motivation of the commission he received on top of his salary; something that was more than easy to earn when his clientele were affluent businessmen throwing down a couple hundred dollars for a men’s tie or a few thousand dollars for a jacket.

 

Even enjoyed his new occupation as well, particularly the employee discount that he made sure to take advantage of almost weekly. Isak had never known anyone outside of Ollie to own as many clothes as Even - his closet was a true awestruck collection of designers, and the more time he spent with Even those first weeks in the city, the more he really got to see him fall into his element as a true city boy - something he had seen glimpses of while living in Wyoming, but never fully understood until they’d settled into New York.

 

And Isak - well he was easily succumbing to the enticement of the culture and city lights, and he certainly wasn’t beyond the indulgence as well - if the silver _Michele_ watch on his left wrist was anything to go by.

 

He thumbed mindlessly at the white alligator strap, remembering Even’s reaction when he first wore it.

 

_“Isak, you have never dressed better. New York looks good on you.”_

 

_“Go away Even.”_

 

Even.

 

He sighed a little, too aware at how he sounded like one of his sisters lamenting over an unrequited crush - but here he was.

 

There was something so invigorating and rejuvenating about starting something new in your life; opening up what you knew to be a new chapter that gave you blank page after blank page to write out your own story’s direction. Moving to Manhattan with Even had been exactly that. It brought clarity where there had been confusion and doubt. He breathed easier and was energized by the anonymity of the enormous city as well as the limitless options of new people it brought into his life. He tried new things and challenged himself in new areas. He accepted who he was in ways he didn’t know he’d yet to do, and that was because he was constantly surrounded by people just like him. It was an incredible feeling. And with all of this new energy and self discovery came the acute awareness of his poorly self-hidden feelings for Even.

 

If he sat down and let himself think about it long enough - which he didn’t - he could see that they had been there for a while. Not exactly lying dormant, but unable to move from underneath the heavy weight of trash Isak was shoving on top of it. Whether that had been an intentional decision or something subconscious, he didn’t know and he wasn’t diving deep enough to figure that out. But he knew for certain, that yes, he had feelings for Even.

 

What else could it be?

 

He woke up, and he wanted to see Even. He went to bed, and he hoped Even was alright. He made plans with coworkers and he wondered if he should just go home instead and cook dinner with Even. He even downloaded Grindr one inebriated night while he FaceTimed with Wyatt - his friend peer pressuring and chiding him into it - only to immediately delete it the next morning. Half worried over what Even would think if he saw it, and half freaking out over not knowing what to do once he opened it anyway.

 

He thought about Even and he smiled, letting his brain play over inside jokes and innocent touches. He thought about Even and warmth filled him from inside out, a lightness in his stomach that he couldn’t conjure up in any other way. He thought about Even and was overwhelmed with want - it was new and thrilling and more than sufficiently frustrating.

 

The whole thing was a fucking mess, and Isak was putting plenty of effort into trying to get over him.

 

So far he had a 100% failure rate.

 

The thing was, he knew too keenly how Even had just _been there_ for him through several sensitive moments in his life. He was the first person he came out to, he’d supported him through the ongoing scandal that was Jason back at home, he formed worthwhile relationships with his sisters and friends, he was there to be confided in when Isak felt like no one else was - and he was open and free with his affections. So no matter which way you twisted it, you couldn’t convince him that his crush on Even wasn’t just the inappropriate result of some kind of fucked up imprinting.

 

Eventually he would figure out some way to finally put this crush to rest, in the meantime he was left with his pining and the unsolicited texts from both Ollie and Wyatt - both of whom he’d made the mistake of confiding his feelings for Even in.

 

A decision he made out of desperation after jerking off to thoughts of Even’s lips one night and needing someone to spill his shame too.

 

A decision he absolutely regrets almost anytime one of them texts him.

 

So yeah, _Even._

 

“You were right.” Isak is shaken out of his daydreams, turning around from the backlit shelf he was arranging at the familiar sound of Donovan’s voice.

 

He smiled warmly and winked as he came around to stand beside his favorite customer - working in sales having made him a bit more brazen and flirtatious at times.

 

“Those are my favorite three words. Tell me more.”

 

Donovan smirked back, but began the process of taking off his coat and scarf.

 

“The _Diesel_ jeans you insisted I buy last weekend - the ones I told you I’d be returning; well turns out they were more comfortable than I thought. Practically lived in them after work this week. And the husband thinks I look hot too, so—” He gestured to Isak as he sat down on the oversized satin arm chair in front of the dressing room. “You win. I’m back for more.”

 

Isak went to the register to pull up Donovan’s client file, double checking the size they had decided on for the jeans before he headed to the correct display.

 

He turned back to Donovan, armed with the specifics he needed to continue.

 

“So, I’m assuming, since you’ve already admitted to my superior taste in denim, that you want one in every wash we have available, like I had suggested the first time you were here.” He raised his eyebrows a little flirtatiously. It was all innocent, at this point Donovan was a friend and they both bantered back and forth freely.

 

He leaned forward in his seat, elbows resting on his knees - dressed immaculately from head to toe, and nodding his acquiescence to Isak.

 

“I do. I also want another of the pair I bought already.”

 

“Alright, give me a minute and I’ll go and grab everything.”

 

Isak set out gathering the pants from the shelves across the way, making a last minute decision on his way back as he passed the newest _Ralph Lauren_ display.

 

“What’s this?” Donovan held up the charcoal grey sweater that Isak had placed on the top of his folded pile of denim.

 

“You mentioned the excessive traveling you were going to be doing for work soon, and since you’ve been shopping with me, there has yet to be a day where I haven’t heard you complain about the lack of comfort in business casual menswear, so—”

 

“I don’t complain that much.”

 

“You do. That’s why you’re my client, no one else was willing to listen.”

 

Donovan, held up the sweater to inspect it further.

 

“No, you’re just the only person here who isn’t trying to sell me anything I don’t need just to make a buck.” He lowered the sweater slowly, and squinted at Isak. “Unless, are you trying to upsell me right now Isak?”

 

Isak stared right back, attempting a feigned innocence before abruptly giving in.

 

“Fine. There’s a small challenge going on in our department.”

 

Donovan stood up, standing in front of the lit mirror and removing his outer shirt as Isak continued.

 

“There’s a new Ralph Lauren rep here, and whoever sells the most by weeks end gets a set of _Bose_ speakers.” He started folding up the jeans and wrapping them in tissue paper at the counter, a little petulant at having been called out. “I want the speakers Donovan.” He placed the wrapped clothing in the iconic brown bag for the store, and started punching buttons on the screen as he rang up the purchase. “But in my defense, I was gifted that sweater by the rep, and it is in fact _very_ comfortable.”

 

He looked over, and Donovan was twisting this way and that as he looked in the mirror - new sweater pulled on. He looked great. Really great.

 

Taller than Isak, Donovan was a black man in his late 30’s with a body and hairline that had everyone envious, drooling, or both. Broad shoulders, with salt and pepper sprinkled about otherwise ebony hair. He had a baby face that belied his age, and a jaw line as sharp as a razor’s edge. He was a happily married man, but Isak had no problem appreciating the way he currently looked in that knit sweater with the open three buttons at the collar - and some days, his ass well.

 

It’s unbelievable that he denied his sexuality for so long. He was so devastatingly gay.

 

He watched him remove the article of clothing from above his head, and fold it gently, placing it on the chair as he redressed back into his own shirt before making his way to the counter and pulling out his wallet to finish off his purchase of pants.

 

“What colors does it come in?”

 

“Grey, Black, Navy, and Forest Green.” Isak rattled of the list of colors as he pressed a few more buttons on the screen, holding his hand out for Donovan’s credit card to swipe.

 

He looked up curiously when he remained empty handed.

 

“I’ll take one of each.” He was smiling knowingly.

 

Isak remained silent, brows dipping slightly in genuine confusion and doubt.

 

“Don’t look at me like that.” Donovan leaned forward on the counter, looking serious for a moment. “Is it the Bose Soundbar 500?”

 

“No. It’s the 700.”

 

He pulled his credit card out and indicated to the grey sweater. “Well in that case, I’ll take one of each, but two in green.

 

-

 

Isak sank down on the back bench of the bus, heading uptown after  a long day of 8 hours on his feet, and relishing in the heat that his commute provided. It was only early November and he had no idea how he was going to brave the rest of winter. His body wasn’t made for this kind of weather, and he could do without the constant runny nose, pink cheeks, watery eyes, dry skin, and chattering teeth.

 

Honestly, he couldn’t understand how anyone survived up north. There’s an entire world of warm weather and tropical islands, and somehow people voluntarily spent all of their lives in this dank season called winter. It was all bullshit and somehow made him grumpier than usual, if that was possible.

 

He took out his phone, swiping through Instagram mindlessly, jealously avoiding any posts of his friends and sisters at the beach, when a text notification dropped down from the top of his screen.

 

**__________**

**Wyatt**

 

Today I had a student grab my  
brand new leather bag and throw  
up into it.

 

How was your day?

 

I made about $3,000 in commission  
this week.

 

I’m shaping young minds and I love my job  
I’m shaping young minds and I love my job  
I’m shaping young minds and I love my job  
I’m shaping young minds and I love my job

 

Uhh…?

 

I’m reminding myself what’s important.

 

Sure dude.

 

If you change your mind, let me know.  
I’ve got plenty of extra room for  
you at my place.

 

Well now I feel better.

 

All I needed was a reminder that my life  
could be a roommate in an apartment filled  
with the worst case of sexual tension i’ve  
ever witnessed, and suddenly i’m cured of  
my jealous thoughts.

 

Thanks for the reminder that things  
could be worse.

 

I’m not sure why i’ve maintained  
this friendship.

 

Cause I’m hot, and hot people  
stick together.

 

Wouldn’t that work better if we  
lived in the same vicinity?

 

Stop ruining everything with logic.  
It makes you look ugly.

 

Speaking of Even!

 

We weren’t.

 

How is the super gross crush you have on  
your super hot roomate going?

 

It’s not a crush.

 

Try again.

 

Ugh.

 

It’s not a super gross one at least.

 

Sure Jan.

 

You realize this is such a  
waste, right?

 

I could have had Even if you  
hadn’t strutted into Wyoming  
with your sweet looking face  
and tight looking ass.

 

You’re throwing away  
opportunity after opportunity here.

 

Let’s make one thing very  
clear - in no world would you  
have ever “Had” Even.

 

Just cause you turned me  
down doesn’t mean that’s how  
it normally goes.

 

You’re underestimating my  
charm and sexiness.

 

I assure you that I am not.  
I will gladly admit you’re hot and charming.

 

Also, I didn’t exactly turn you down either...

 

Yeah, let’s not rehash that.  
It’s not great for my ego or  
empathetic heart.

 

That was a weird sentence.

 

Back to Even. You’re right,  
it’s not a gross crush.

 

But it’d be a lot better if you  
made a move already

 

He’s in love with you.

 

First, thank you for saying I’m right.  
It’s all I ever want to hear.

 

Second, I’m not making a move.  
It’s inappropriate and I will get over  
this crush, or whatever, soon.

 

And he is not in love with me.

 

I’m not listening to you reduce  
your feelings for a man to something  
sick and inappropriate just because  
you’re uncomfortable confronting  
them for what they are.

 

And by the way, even if you harbor  
affections towards someone because  
they were kind to you when you  
needed and deserved it - that’s okay too.

 

You sound mad, and it’s hard to tell  
over text if I should be apologizing  
or not…?

 

I’m not mad, I’m frustrated.

 

Don’t apologize to me, just  
fucking talk to Even.

 

Yeah, that’s probably not gonna happen.

 

Can I interest you in a  
self deprecating comment or  
cute emoji?

 

How about nudes?

 

For fucks sake.

 

I’m kidding!

 

(Unless you’re considering it…?)

 

I need new friends.

 

Good luck finding someone hot,  
who cares about you even after  
you rejected his advances, who  
also counsels you on your love life  
while calling you out for your bullshit  
but is also selfless enough to give  
you his favorite blue snapback because  
you look better in it than he does.

 

I’m the best you’ll find for a while.

 

Wow. Is that your Tinder profile?

 

I’m ignoring your latent sarcastic tone.

 

Whatever helps you sleep.

 

And you’re wrong, I don’t look better  
in that hat then you.

 

Even has made a couple comments,  
and honestly his sense of style  
is still better than mine. So..

 

You’re kidding me, right?

 

No?  
Gotta go. I’m at my stop.

 

You’re clueless as fuck Isak.

 

Fine.

 

Talk to Even.

 

**__________**

 

-

 

“Isak.”

 

“No.”

 

“Iss—”

 

“You’re use of a nickname is doing nothing to sway me.”

 

“What do I have to offer to get you to come with me?”

 

“There is nothing you can say. It’s too damn cold for me to voluntarily put my body outside.” Isak pushed himself further into the three layers of blankets he was currently buried beneath while he sat on the sofa watching whatever teen movie he promised Krista he’d see so they could discuss it during their next Facetime call.

 

He’d probably try for a solid five minutes of denying he enjoyed the film before giving in and admitting he was already following half the cast on Instagram.

 

Even threw himself on the cushion next to Isak in exasperation, long limbs spreading out and making no effort to keep from coming into contact with Isak’s thighs, shoulders, arms…

 

It was more than distracting.

 

“Isak, it’s only 40 degrees out.”

 

He turned to look at the blonde man next to him, brow creased with incredulity. “You know we measure temperature in Fahrenheit, right?”

 

Even lifted his arms up, only to drop them on the couch cushion with a groan. “For fucks sake, wear a hat Isak. You’ve got like thirty-four scarves, choose one or seven of those. Layer up, bring one of the blankets with you - I don’t care, just please come with me.”

 

“That sarcastic tone you’re using - I’m not crazy about that either.”

 

“You promised you would come. No take backs!” He watched as Even’s hand creeped to the corner of the layers of blankets, fist curling around it slowly.

 

“I swear to God Bech Naesheim, If you do anything to disrupt my current state of comfort - I will end you.” He gritted his words through his teeth knowing Even could tell that he meant it.

 

“How? How is it possible that you are the softest boy one moment, and the surliest creature the next?”

 

Isak picked up the remote, pausing the movie as he realized this conversation wasn’t ending any time soon. Even took the opportunity to grab the blankets and tuck himself under them, gluing himself to Isak’s side.

 

He hated that he melted just a little.

 

It was overwhelming, disorienting, and blurred too many lines. Because as much as he lived for the small touches and the smiles and the shared jokes and overall domesticity that they shared - Even was still one of the few people in his life who could truly irritate him like only someone with the gift of knowing just how to get right under your skin can.

 

But still, he melted when Even cuddled up close to him like he currently was.

 

He loved it - and hated that he did.

 

“Isak, please don’t make me deal with her on my own.” Even whined. “I’ve got too many people to impress tonight, I don’t want to be distracted.” His head found its way into Isak’s shoulder and he had to push one blanket off of them - it was getting a little too warm.

 

“If she makes you that uncomfortable at work, why don’t you just report her to HR? That’s their job.”

 

Even just shrugged, the top of his head bumping off Isak’s chin with the action.

 

“Because she knows a lot of people I _need_ to know. I’m still trying to establish myself in this community.”

 

Isak thought that through, wanting to argue that those were exact reasons _to_ report her to HR. Feeling like you have to give into any sort of harassment from your superior - or fear the retribution if you didn’t - that’s what Human Resources departments were for.

 

He would know - he wished he had access to that once upon a time.

 

Either way, there was something about the way Even had been describing Natalie that made him feel like he was never getting the whole story.

 

“What exactly has this woman done to you that warrants you dragging me out of the house in the dead of winter—“

 

“It’s only November 3rd—“

 

“—the dead of winter,” he repeats “when I clearly don’t want to move from my nest? See?” He burrows himself further. “Look how comfy.”

 

Even tilts his head back, smiling affectionately before inhaling deeply and looking up towards the loft.

 

“Well for starters, last week she brought me Starbucks.” He pushed himself back up, facing Isak squarely as he spoke. “But I already had a coffee.” His eyebrows were raised in expectation, like he was waiting to be validated - but the only urge Isak could drum up was to punch him.

 

So she brought him coffee, so what? Sounded like flirting, maybe. Sexual harassment, though? That seemed like a reach. And certainly not enough to get Isak out into the bitter cold streets of the city to socialize with the artistic elite of New York. He got enough of that snobby mess at work.

 

“Are you kidding me right now Even? That is—“ but before he could finish the sentence, he felt an abrupt pressure forced onto his hip and then found himself wrapped up in the blankets on the floor in front of the couch.

 

There was a dull ache on his bottom and his eyes stayed trained on the ceiling, yellow and white dots of light coming in and out of his vision above where he lay a tangled mess.

 

He took a deep breath, fists clenched at his sides, and forced his words out as evenly and calm as possible.

 

“Even, did you just push me because you weren’t getting your way?”

 

There was silence.

 

“Even?” He pushed a little more force behind his words.

 

A small strained sound came from his right, where Even was undoubtedly still sitting comfortably on the couch. He looked over and Evens hands were covering his face.

 

“Shh!”

 

“Shh? What the fuck, Even?!”

 

“Stop talking! If I look at you I’ll start to feel bad about pushing you.”

 

“You are the _absolute_ worst.” Isak pushed himself up, shaking his head slightly and leaned back on his hands to glare at his best friend. “And you _should_ feel bad. You should feel like shit. My ass is bruised, and—“

 

“Just go get dressed. We have two hours before we have to be there.” He removed his hands now, all prior guilt seemingly evaporated into thin air.

 

“Explain to me why everything always turns into a physical altercation between the two of us? You’re twenty-seven, Even. Twenty-seven!”

 

Even stood up. “Two hours, Isak!”

 

He sighed and stood up reluctantly, resigning himself to a night of awkward socialization and low body temperatures.

 

“Two hours is plenty of time. Let me finish the movie first.” He sat back on the couch, pulling the mess of blankets with him and reaching for the remote.

 

Even grabbed the blankets and swiped them off of Isak before he had time to react and take them back. The sudden loss of warmth and comfort doing nothing to assuage his irritations and resulting in a heated glare sent to the man in front of him.

 

“Well actually,” Even’s voice dropped, uncertainty replaced the previous playful tone. “you need to dress up. It’s cocktail attire.”

 

He was avoiding eye contact. But Isak stared at him anyway - pointed, unmoving, and fully unimpressed. Voice dry as he spoke.

 

“So when you you told me that I could wear one of these blankets, you—“

 

“Yea. I was lying.” He turned around and headed up the stairs, clapping his hands twice. “Chop, chop!”

 

Isak threw the blanket over his face and groaned.

 

-

 

There had been times when Isak allowed himself some self indulgences. Times when, he wasn’t trying to massively control every outcome and feeling in his life and gave into a few whims. Small things, like ordering the second order of fish tacos from _Ocean Shack_ , and big things like upgrading to the two bedroom apartment when he got his raise because he liked having the extra space for Krista when she spent the night.

 

And sometimes, not always, but sometimes he let himself think that maybe Even could possibly care for him the way that he does for him. Sometimes he let himself believe that Even’s discomfort and complaints about  Natalie were really small excuses to allow himself an unadulterated closeness to Isak. Tonight was one of those nights.

 

So he indulged.

 

Isak looked hot - he knew he did. A tailored navy _Hugo_ blazer paired with slim grey _Michael Kors_ trousers and his new black leather oxfords - he felt like a million bucks and it was all validated by the appreciative stares and once overs Even sent him while they sat in the car on the way to the party.

 

It was thirty something degrees outside, but Isak was feeling warm.

 

The party itself was enjoyable enough. Some new art house at a high rise in _Chelsea,_  surrounded by floor-to-ceiling windowed walls with an unbelievable view of the Manhattan skyline. An open bar that kept Isak’s glass filled with gin and tonic all night, some popular Scandinavian dj playing quasi familiar hits in the center of the main room lit from behind with violet lights, and friendly enough conversations with people he didn’t know and didn't care about enough to remember their names. But the best accessory of the night: Even’s hands.

 

Even’s hands on the small of his back, leading him through the space throughout the night. Even’s hand squeezing above his elbow as he leaned in, asking if he wanted another drink. Even’s hands wrapped around his waist when he introduced him to a new crowd of people.

 

 _‘This is Isak.’_ He would say it with confidence and warm charisma.

 

Not ‘ _Isak my roommate’_ and not ‘ _Isak, my friend’._ It was just _Isak._ As if that was it and nothing else needed to be explained. Just ‘ _Isak’_ like he belonged to him and no other extension was needed.

 

Maybe on another night, when he was feeling more guarded and mindful of his own heart, he would have rejected the touches tactfully, forcing a safe distance between them in order to preserve himself and their friendship better. Perhaps in another universe he was more self assured and chilled; could compartmentalize his life in ways that prevented them from bleeding into each other. Or maybe, if Even wasn’t so breathtakingly beautiful and didn’t devastate him with one look, one breath, one word aimed in his direction - he’d be able to laugh at the physicality Even was displaying and see it for what it probably was: an act being put on in order to gain what he needed from the crowd he was surrounded by. And maybe Isak would play along and walk out of this unscathed and unaffected. Maybe.

 

But tonight, Isak was indulging.

 

A decision he’d made the moment he’d walked down the stairs to a low whistle from Even who insisted on helping him into his coat, fingers lingering on his neck a moment too long as he unnecessarily helped him adjust the collar.

 

A decision he fully threw himself into twenty five minutes after arriving and found out from another colleague of Even’s that Natalie had been on vacation for a week and wasn’t expected back for another few days.

 

A decision he didn’t regret when he looked back at Even, knowing he’d been caught in a substantial lie yet his only response was to shrug with a smug smile and tip back the rest of his champagne - adding a wink at the very last swallow.

 

So Isak indulged.

 

He leaned into the touches and let their eye contact last for several moments longer than was strictly necessary. He swallowed more gin and let his loosening limbs find Even, sometimes paired with the excuse of being in a crowd and needing an anchor - and sometimes for no other reason than just to touch. He let Even whisper things in his ear, pretending it was too loud to speak to each other in any other way even though they both knew it wasn’t. He watched Even, enraptured as he spoke to industry professionals and wore a fond smile when Even pulled him into his side while he networked - none of it feigned. They touched and they drank and they smiled and they breathed each other in, somewhere crossing the line of platonic affection but too fearful to truly give it the name of _romantic_.

 

Because Isak was indulging, and the thing about indulgences was that they could never be long term, otherwise it was no longer an extravagance or a privilege, it would turn into a tempered and sober experience. The mundane existence of your everyday life - all allure lost.

 

But for now, Isak wanted the luster that Even’s hands - touches - brought. And he maintained that heady feeling as he whispered to Even that he’d be right back, needing to run to the restroom for a moment. And he basked in the warmth that bubbled in his chest when Even interrupted the conversation he was having just to give Isak’s fingers a squeeze before he walked away. And he floated in the intoxication of it all as he stood drying his hands at a sink manned by a concierge offering him a heated hand towel, a poor mimic to the embers glowing inside him right now, eager to walk back into the room and glue himself to Even’s side.

 

An enthusiasm that began to cool when he heard Even’s name from behind the partition separating the toilets from the waiting area, stopping him fully as he reached for the door handle.

 

“—heard Sonja announced her engagement last month. She landed that Wall Street playboy who’s on _Page Six_ every week.”

 

“I know. Her left hand has been conveniently photographed in every tabloid picture gone to print. But I get it - the ring is big enough to sink her to the bottom of the _Hudson_.”

 

“I’ve been trying to get a read on Even for weeks, but he’s not budging.

 

“Well have you seen the arm candy he’s been parading around tonight? Don’t know the guy from Adam - definitely haven’t seen him before. But he seems to be doing just fine.”

 

And like a cold splash of water to a flame, all the fervor that had been building up over the last several hours was abruptly tempered out. And with a sobering sense of clarity, he walked back into the venue, any illusions of what tonight had meant, gone and replaced with a growing sense of fatigue, becoming heavier with every step he made closer to Even. Remembering his place in this world and in Even’s life - a distraction - and trying to push down the pang and twist of his heart, followed by the shame of thinking this could be something he could have - even for one night.

 

Even, who saw him and sensed the change immediately, setting his half filled glass of golden liquor down, facing Isak squarely - blocking out the rest of the room - and roaming concerned, and somewhat unfocused, eyes over Isak.

 

“Everything okay?” He took his hand in his, gentle squeeze accompanying the question.

 

“Yeah. Just tired. Think I've managed all I can for tonight.” It wasn’t a lie. It was just past midnight and the alcohol's effects were no longer pleasant, instead turning his stomach in knots and weighing his limbs down, causing every movement he made to be a bit of an arduous effort. He’s sure that the new found news he’d just heard had something to do with the way his tongue felt too big and mouth dried up as well - but a long night and alcohol were an easier scapegoat for the time being.

 

Even had them at coat check within minutes - extending a few pleasant goodbyes to the people important enough to warrant the farewells, and then exiting the building quietly with Isak in tow.

 

The car ride home is long - too long. Even still tipsy enough to feel like he needed to play the game, arm around Isak’s shoulders and humming along to whatever song is on the radio station their driver has chosen. His other hand tapa a rhythm on Isak’s knee, and Isak - well he’s too tired to stop it. It’s easy to rationalize it away, the night hasn’t ended officially yet. But as soon as they walk through their door, he told himself, it will be done. The touches and the glances and the intimate smiles will end. So he gives in one last time, and rests his head on Evens shoulder - one last indulgence. One last game to play. He could be Even’s distraction for the night. He’d have it for just a moment longer.

 

-

 

They walk up the steps to their brownstone slowly, a pace brought on by the drag of their bodies succumbing to the tail-end of pleasantly tipsy and drunk, and making its way to the beginnings of exhausted and hungover. Isak takes his time with the keys, hands a little clumsy from the lack of circulation from the below freezing temperatures and also due to the man leaning against him from behind, arm around his middle, hand settled on his stomach, and chin resting on the back of his head.

 

A heavy weight. A comforting weight.

 

But as as soon as his foot crosses over the threshold - the night is done. Isak stands up straight, hastily removing his coat and scarf, throwing them clumsily on the rack behind the door and heading to the kitchen. Leaving Even behind to remove his own outerwear and put them away more diligently then Isak had

 

He fills two glasses with water, pulling his buzzing phone out of his pocket to distract himself from the nervous energy and unwavering anticipation of Even’s presence that would soon follow.

 

There’s a text from Wyatt, a screenshot of a tagged photo from Even’s Instagram tonight. It’s a shot from the photographer hired for the evening, guests enjoying themselves, the dj the center focus, the skyline peeking from the windows behind the crowd - and on the right corner of the photograph is Even and Isak, arms wrapped around each other and eyes focused on nothing but the two of them - no one else around to entertain.

 

It’s a good shot.

 

**__________**

**Wyatt**

 

**[IMG. Attached]**

 

What the fuck man?!

 

Did you guys talk?

 

And you didn’t tell me!?

 

Do I get a speech at your wedding  
about how without me you two would  
never have found love?

 

How do you feel about threesomes?

 

Isak! You better fucking answer me.

 

**__________**

 

He tosses the phone on the counter, gulping down his water and trying not to think about the intimacy pouring out of that picture. Tries not to think about how many more photos there are going to be that will make tonight impossible to forget. He’s grateful for his own anonymity, knowing almost no one knows who he is in order to tag him - but Even, that was a different story. The new _It Guy_ at the moment. Fresh talent as the Senior In-House Photographer for his publication house. His name is on the tip of everyone’s tongues - established because of his family name, while also making a name for himself in his own right.

 

_Even._

 

And as if his mind had conjured him up, he walks into the kitchen, blazer removed and shirt untucked. Messily put together somehow and still as beautiful as ever.

 

He doesn’t bother turning the light on, the only source of illumination coming from the full moon shining through the large patio doors adjacent to where they stood and reflecting off of the marble countertop in front of them. His gaze finds Isak’s as soon as he stepps in, intense but happy - giddy - and he makes his way around the kitchen island, stepping into Isak’s space.

 

He takes a step back, but Even fills the gap with one of his own.

 

“Why are you moving away from me?” There’s a hint of humor in his voice, like he thinks Isak was playing with him.

 

Isak reaches out beside him, sliding the glass over.

 

“I poured you some water.” It was weak. It sounded weak even to his ears. But it’s all he manages to force out underneath Even’s scrutiny. Everything in him screaming to look away, but nothing in him able to do so. Meeting Even’s eyes with his own - impassioned and fervent and all consuming. It’s too much, but still his gaze remains.

 

“I don’t want water.” There’s a growl somewhere deep in his tone. It reverberates in his chest and reaches into Isak’s core. Distantly he hears alarm bells going off, telling him to move. Screaming at him to abort. Reminding him that his job as Even’s distraction is over and it’s time to put the fortress back up around his heart.

 

And then he feels Even reach for his hand, fingers weaving in between his own, eyes never leaving his as he slowly lifts their hands up to his lips, mouth pushing feather light kisses to his knuckles, his wrist, his palm.

 

Tender, so tender.

 

_The night is over. You’re only a distraction._

 

“Even stop.” He tugs his hand away weakly, hearing the break in his own voice and hating how small he sounds. But Even continues, reaching for his other hand, and bringing it up to his chest.

 

_He’s not in love with you. He’s drunk. You’re a distraction._

 

“Even—“ He pulls his hands away, the sudden movement rocking him a little, forcing him to lean into Even’s chest for a moment. And he feels the arm wrap around him and the dip of his head to his cheek. One kiss pressed below his eye. Two kisses, before he can’t take the warring thoughts and feelings colliding in his head and heart, and finally pushing his hands to his chest and shoving him away.

 

“Even, I said stop!”

 

And Even stops. Stunned, he blinks slowly, like someone who’s just been woken up from an unexpected alarm.

 

“Ok. I’m— fuck im sorry. I just thought—“

 

“You’re drunk.” He cringes as soon as he says the words. His tone cold and biting - cruel - and Even’s face reflective of the sting he just delivered.

 

He drags his hand through his hair, effectively ruining the effortless style Isak loves, and runs his hand over his face,

 

“I’m not _that_ drunk.” His tone is tight, but he can hear a slight tremble - he’s hurt. Isak has hurt him. And it is true, he isn’t  _that_ drunk. Isak knows this. They are both tipsy at best, and definitely no more intoxicated then they’d been the rest of the evening. He knows the condescension in which he spoke to him was uncalled for, but he had been grasping at straws and it was all he had.

 

“Christ Isak, if you didn’t want to—“

 

The incessant buzzing of his phone vibrating on the counter interrupts them, both men looking over as his screen lit up with Wyatt’s caller I.D. - a selfie they’d taken at the marina this summer. Both of them sitting off one of the docks, Wyatt’s snapback placed backwards on Isak’s head, while Wyatt held him in a headlock and pressed an obnoxious kiss to his temple.

 

He grabs at his phone, silencing it with an inward groan at the timing, and pockets it immediately.

 

“Why the fuck is Wyatt calling you in the middle of the night on a Friday?” There’s  an edge to his voice that Isak is unfamiliar with.

 

“He’d been texting me earlier and I didn’t respond. Probably checking in.” He shrugs it off, not comfortable with the heat in Even’s question.

 

“I didn’t realize— so you two still talk?”

 

He feels indignant, he doesn’t know all of the specifics as to why - but right now, in this moment he lets his voice raise in an angry defense, not fully understanding why he is defending himself to begin with.

 

“Jesus! What’s the fucking problem, Even?”

 

His phone buzzes again in his pocket and he tamps down the very real urge to rip it from his pants and throw it against the wall - Even’s face reflecting something similar. The atmosphere in the room changing - the darkness feeling burdensome and no longer comforting. The air thin and suffocating.

 

He watches Even’s chest heave a few more times, an effort to control himself, turning to grab the cup and swallowing deeply before depositing it loudly into the sink.

 

“There’s no problem Isak. Don’t fucking worry about it.” The words are gritted out of his mouth and Isak watches Evens back retreating out of the kitchen - feeling the loss deeply inside of him - the room cooling with his departure.

 

He keeps looking as Even pauses, shoulders relaxing and head turning to his side, like he’s speaking to his shoulder. He sighs.

 

“That’s not true.” He speaks quietly, more controlled, but doesn’t move. Doesn’t turn around to look at Isak as he continues. “The problem—” He can see the defeat wash over him. “The problem is that I’m jealous.”

 

He leaves the kitchen, not waiting for a response, Isak not sure he’d have one ready anyway. He hears him make his way up the stairs, his steps a cold sound echoing off of the foyer. There’s a rustling in the loft, muted footsteps shuffling across the floor before the undeniable sound of his door slamming shut.

 

-

 

_‘I’m jealous.’_

 

The words playe over and over in his head as he lockes the front door and makes the effort of dragging his body up to his own room.

 

_‘I’m jealous.’_

 

He remembers tonight - the touches and the soft words. The joy he felt being the center of Even’s affections for the evening. The bravery he felt in returning them back. The giddiness of flirting and having it reciprocated. The pride of being desired.

 

He remembers the uneasiness that crept in when he overheard the gossip about Sonja and how that had allegedly affected Even. The doubt that slid in when he realized Even must have known about the engagement this whole time and needed something between a rebound and an outlet for his own insecurities. At least, that is was what Isak had assumed. What he had assumed because of _his_ _own_ insecurities.

 

He thinks about the softness in the kitchen earlier, how there was no one to impress or make a show for, yet Even still reached for him like he wanted him. Like it wasn’t really a game, it wasn’t really a show. Like maybe he wanted Isak the way he’d been wanting him this whole time.

 

And then everything exploded and went to shit. And Isak held a lot of blame for that, maybe he was being insecure or obtuse or both. But that was then and this is now - and he was no longer slow on the uptake.

 

Because Even doesn’t lie to him. Maybe he doesn’t always share every thought and emotion running through him at any given time - but he absolutely doesn’t lie to him. He has always been open and as clear as he feels is necessary and appropriate. So when Even stopped to correct himself, and tell him that he was jealous - Isak doesn’t really have to guess too hard as to what he meant.

 

Even was jealous.

 

He was jealous of Wyatt. He was jealous of a relationship he didn’t understand. He was jealous because he thought someone else had something that he wanted.

 

_He wants me?_

 

As soon as he thinks it, his heart thuds in his chest, the pounding so intense he swears he can hear it.

 

_He wants me?_

 

A million thoughts raced through his mind as he reaches the top of the loft. He wants to rethink every word and action they’d shared. Wants to revisit every moment and dissect his motivation. Wants to go back to a few hours ago when he was ignorant enough to let himself enjoy the intimacy. He wants to do a lot of things, but the sound of Even’s door slamming a few minutes ago is still fresh, a reminder that his mood was foul enough to stay away from him for a bit.

 

He’s never been on the other end of Even’s anger. Irritation, sure - but not anger. Never anger.

 

It doesn’t feel great.

 

He opens the door to his room, resigning himself to a sleepless night filled with worry and anxiety, but reels in his thoughts when he notices the warm orange glow in his room - his fireplace turned on to its low setting. The setting he’d been keeping it at as the nights had progressively gotten cooler and Even refused to turn the heat up any further regardless of Isak’s protests.

 

He turned on his fireplace.

 

_He’s not mad at me._

 

-

 

He takes his time getting ready for bed, decides showering tonight was better than putting it off until morning, and enjoys the goosebumps covering his skin as the hot water glides over his body. He runs the hair dryer over his head, endlessly afraid to go to bed with wet hair in the winter no matter how much Even tells him he won’t get sick. He brushes his teeth, actually setting a timer on his phone for two minutes, feeling proud at the meaningless accomplishment. And then he throws on Even’s pink _Nike_ hoodie, keeping on his briefs but forgoing sweatpants in an effort to not overheat himself. And without thinking too hard about it, he walks out of his room and approaches Even’s door.

 

He doesn’t knock, just quietly pushes it open and steps inside. Even is lying on his bed, curled around himself with the blanket up to his chin facing the door. He looks at Isak but doesn’t say anything, instead, he shuffles over and lifts the blanket up, wordlessly inviting Isak in next to him.

 

He climbs in beside him, sliding in close enough to share his pillow, mirroring Even, one hand under his head, the other somewhere in the small amount of space in between them, and they just breathe - eyes trained on the other.

 

After several long moments of them taking each other in, Isak speaks.

 

“Don’t apologize.”

 

“I wasn’t going to.”

 

“Yes you were.”

 

“Yeah - I was.”

 

They both share a breathy laugh, but let it trail off a little awkwardly.

 

Even licks his lips, pondering something over in his head, looking out past Isak before meeting his eyes again - something more certain in them now.

 

“I’m not jealous anymore.”

 

“No?”

 

He shakes his head. “No. Well, at least I’ve realized I don’t have anything to be jealous of.”

 

He’s not sure which direction the conversation is taking anymore, so he remains silent, letting Even go on.

 

“I mean, I may still harbor some jealousy, but I thought about it and—” He reaches up under the covers and grabs Isak’s hand, fingers twining tightly. “I realized that you don’t share a bed with him.” He shuffles closer, impossibly closer, both men breathing the same air. “And he doesn’t play with your hair when you need to be comforted.” Isak hums his agreement and Even moves to hook a leg over his hip, pulling Isak into him - voice just above a whisper now. “And with the exception of that god damned hat - you don’t wear his clothes.” He tugs softly at the hoodie for emphasis. “And just to be clear—” He whispers, brushing his nose against Isak’s. “I’m not drunk.”

 

And that’s it. He closes the distance, soft full lips gliding against his own. The feel of it new but familiar. He sighs into it, gripping at the hand holding his as Even pulls them to his chest and places them over his heart, tongue peeking out for a small lick on his bottom lip before he pulls away gently - just enough to focus his eyes back on Isak - ending the kiss too quickly.

 

He swallows thickly, taking an extra moment with his eyes closed to live in the moment - pulse racing and heart ready to jump out of his rib cage at hearing the small but very significant confession from Even, still tasting him on his lips and feeling intoxicated all over again.

 

He lets his lids open slowly, Even’s eye’s, midnight in color as the blue irises blended with the black dilated pupils - mesmerizing.

 

He wants to say something, but his body is buzzing and nothing of coherence is settling in his mind - which Even seems to sense.

 

“Should we talk about this?” He looks worried, like he’s made a mistake.

 

Isak shakes his head, changes his mind, then finds his voice.

 

“I mean probably, yes. But maybe just—” Deep breath in. “I came in here because I just wanted to hold you.” And Even melts. Isak sees it in front of him - he melts. “We can talk tomorrow. Just let me hold you.”

 

Without another word, Isak adjusts himself, lifts his arm from under him and wraps it around Even so he can rest his head on his chest. He pulls him in close, and Even keeps his leg hooked over Isak - and everything is warm and Isak feels rested.

 

They lie there for a few minutes, Isak drifting into a slumber when Even’s voice drags him back.

 

“Iss.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“There’s a 96% chance that I’m going to steal all of the blankets tonight, but I’d appreciate you not kicking me in the shin over it.”

 

He lets out a throaty grunt.

 

“Yeah Ev, I know. Now please shut up.”

 

There’s a kiss to his chin, and then he does - shut up, that is.

 

-

 

The first indicator that he isn’t in his room is all of the light. It’s too bright, and Isak’s blackout curtains would never allow this in the morning.

 

He reaches for a pillow to throw over his head and feels the cold empty space of the bed next to him. His eyes shoot open and he takes in the familiar scenery of Even’s room.

 

Even’s room.

 

Last night comes pouring back into his memory like a rushing tide to the shore, every nanosecond clear and vivid in his mind. He licks his bottom lip, still chasing the taste and feel of Even.

 

There’s a clang from downstairs and the muted sound of the radio playing. He stretches out languidly, trying to decide whether or not to stay in bed or go downstairs, but the smell of bacon coming through the door makes the decision for him, and he sits up, reaches for whatever sweats are lying on the floor - pulls them on and makes his way to the kitchen, nervous and excited.

 

He’s just outside the kitchen, mentally preparing himself for the conversations he is going to have with Ollie and Wyatt explaining the events that transpired last night when he realizes the radio hadn’t been on at all. He walks closer, the unmistakable sound of sizzling in a pan and the tinkling of mugs being pulled out of the cabinet are accompanied by an unfamiliar voice.

 

He thinks about going back upstairs, but chooses to walk in anyway. He sees Even, hair a mess and wrinkled baseball tee riding up his back, pouring coffee into two mugs, pushing one across the island to a petite blond woman, tight but distressed expression painted on her face.

 

He clears his throat, announcing his presence when neither of them seem to notice him and watches Even’s already concerned face fall even further.

 

_Maybe he should have stayed in bed._

 

The woman stops speaking, looks between the two men - no one talking and Isak waits for Even to reassure him and make him feel like he didn’t just intrude on something he wasn’t supposed to.

 

But Even is a stone, a statue - and for the first time, Isak can’t read him. Even’s usually open demeanor now completely closed off and something about the entire situation is off. He feels a chill run up his spine and wishes he’d just stayed in bed.

 

“Babe? You’re being rude.”

 

_Babe? Why is she calling him babe? Why is she touching his arm? Why won’t he fucking look at me?_

 

The blonde rolls her eyes, and reaches her hand out to Isak, a thick layer of entitlement exuding off of her. A special kind of entitlement, the kind you’re born into and not the kind that is earned.

 

“I’m Sonja.”

 

He should have stayed in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****** Page Six is the celebrity gossip portion of The New York Post - notorious for keeping tabs on the gossip-worthy comings and goings of the New York elite.******
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> ******The Hudson is the river that runs on the west side of Manhattan, separating New York City from New Jersey******
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> Things are happening, finally! (And yeah, it's not all great.)
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> Leave me comments and tell me all of your thoughts - I love your words.
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> **Tumblr:**  
> [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)


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